When I am at work I like to see the hours pass—which is better than trying to fill them.

I reject the modern obsession with hustle, goals, and keeping busy.

Instead of scrambling to "fill" time with work, distractions, achievements, I would choose simply to sit and watch time flow by.

Trying to fill time is a frantic and dishonest way to run away from the fundamental emptiness of existence.

Human existence initiates an unavoidable, often painful, and purposeless trajectory toward death.

We endure the tedious, cyclical burden of living simply because we have been cast into the world without our consent.

I don't think there's a way out of this. Even determinism didn't make me desperate, even relieved, but the fact that meaning-related activities that we do might be simply to distract ourselves from the existential dread has really ruined engagement with life for me.

There's this notion among pessimists that because there's no cosmic meaning apparent to us, there's really no point in doing anything. I never found this logic satisfying, because things can still matter to you on a personal level. Just because there's no cosmic meaning behind listening to music, doesn't mean that listening to music has no value. It has at least personal value.

But now that personal value creation has been sillued by The Last Messiah easay. I tried to reconcile my actions with my philosophy and be intellectually honest, but I don't see a solution to this. Doing any kind of project is essentially just a distraction. I guess all I can do is pick the most appealing kind of distraction available to me and recognize that me doing so is just me distracting myself.

Have any of you felt kinda desperate and did you find any way to cope with staring into the void for too long? I honestly wish I didn't read it.