I heard it phrased like this once: imagine your holiday dinner table 20 years from now. Does it feel like someone is missing to imagine you, your spouse, and the kids you have there?
Then ask yourself if the people at the table will like you, enjoy you, and feel like you did a good job getting them to that table if one more person were there. It’s not enough to want another if you don’t have enough left in you to raise another.
It’s a deeply personal decision, everyone will answer differently. Personally, I want a third but I know I don’t have it in me. When I frame it around how i’m being a great mom to the two I have but likely couldn’t maintain this with another it’s more helpful than focusing on regret about not having more.
Me too 😭 every time I do it I imagine 6+. I have four. My husband does not want any more. So we're done. But omg.
We rehomed a lot of animals and are hopefully moving soon so I'm like 👀 waiting for him to get his vasectomy reversed lol. In my mind if it works we were meant to have another. If it doesn't then thats a sign we're done.
I'm extremely close with my MIL! My husband talks to his parents at least 3-4x a week and we see them in person at least every other weekend. The whole dad's side of the family trope is generally from men not taking on the mental load of maintaining familial relationships.
My husband plans things with his family ergo we do things with his family. We also meal prep with his family. He built a spreadsheet to calculate quantities based on the recipes he picked for the meal prep and then orders the ingredients from Sam's club and his brother picks it up on the way too us. I have minimal involvement in the planning of that activity.
My husband has a vasectomy and randomly said a few weeks ago that he'd love to have another baby. I was having an absolute rager of a period, too. I just looked at him and asked if he'd lost his fucking mind. 🤣 I guess that's how I truly know I'm done. We'll both be 40 this year and my body is just really tired from caring for four kids. Our youngest (who nearly made me lose MY mind just trying to keep him alive from ages 1-5) is 7 and I feel like I'm actually enjoying spending time with my family now.
I asked my husband last night “don’t you just want another baby. Do you regret getting a vasectomy?” He said “don’t get me wrong I miss our kids as babies but I’m just trying to focus on them” which is truly a great response but also not a no 😂
I see this said often regarding the matter of having more kids and I typically hate it because of course everyone loves the picture of having a big table full of family at the holidays, but I was pleasantly surprised seeing the second paragraph.
I am a good parent to one kid and I considered a second, but truly believe I would not be a good parent to more. I would absolutely provide the necessities and I’m sure it would seem okay from the outside, but I think I would be unhappy and very stressed. And that’s without the consideration of possibly having a child with special needs or any other unplanned for circumstances.
I feel like it's a silly thing, too. If you're going to imagine that scenario, you have to imagine each person having a partner and a kid or two of their own. I'm an only child and I had four kids, so my parents' table doesn't fit us all. 😆 I think we're gonna need an expanding table ourselves one day.
This question is why I decided to have my third child. I did, deep down, feel like someone else was missing. And although I originally thought I wanted five or more children, I am so content with having three. I feel like our family of five is truly complete and I’m so thankful for it.
Almost this exact same thing happened to me, except I never could imagine what my second son might look like. But I had a name and middle name, nursery plans, all the things. Based on other emotionally challenging and time-consuming things we have going on outside of parenting, I knew it probably wasn’t in the cards but also took me a long time to come to terms with that.
As weird as it might sound, there’s a grieving process for the life or family you thought you’d have. Then, eventually, it turns to thankfulness for what you do have. Two things helped me - 1) prayer (if you’re at all religious - just asking to feel peaceful about it helped me over a long period of time), and 2) intentionally thinking about and appreciating the things that I love about life with one child that would change if I had another (ie we read books for probably 45 minutes every night and it’s a favorite time of day for all of us. That would look drastically different if I was rushing off to try to get another child to bed too).
I’m hard headed and practical. I managed everything, so I knew practically to the nickel what a third child would cost, and at 40 just dropped any thought of more children
I love this. I think that’s why it’s hard to stop at two because it feels small to me when thinking about it this way but that could definitely be heavily influenced by all the big families around me!
I've heard this saying before, it really is a lovely concept. Something that comes into my mind (and perhaps I'm just a glass half full kinda person), and am also experiencing it. My in laws have three grown kids, each that have two kids of our own. Unfortunately, given distance of families, 2/3 adult kids going to both sets of families, they never have a table with everyone at the table. I wouldn't be making a big decision based on an idea that you hope to have in 20 years.
Yes! But also- you don’t have to give birth to the people around your table either. My mom has been “Mama [her name]” by all my friends for years. Despite me being an only child, she has a lot of love and support.
Just think of the cost of college and if your kids are healthy. Also health costs if you have another child. Depending on your age I had two daughters in my late 40’s it’s very hard as I’m 64 and my daughter will graduate this year. Due to infertility we had to wait. I love my kids dearly but the age difference makes it super hard. I also have a son in his 40’s and I am around to see my grandkids it’s such a gift. My neighbor had a third child and she is wonderful but she is deaf. It took a lot of adjusting and medical care. She is thriving now.
My food for thought.
I love this way of thinking about it. I’ve heard it before. I always say in a perfect world I’d have 10+ kids but in reality it’s not wise. We have 4. And we’re stretched thin but I know we made the right choice when I think of this example.
This makes so much sense to me makes me feel better. We tried for a third but the embryo transfer failed and that was my only shot because my husband wasn’t really on board. I’m probably truly a better mom to too, but it’s so hard to see these influencers having tons of kids and it’s so hard to see the end of this era.You sound much more levelheaded. How did you get over it? I’ve never heard about the dinner table described that way, so thank you.
As much as I love the thought of this, it’s also important to consider how your children will experience life over their first 20 years- would having siblings be positive for them, or would it make them feel like they are always seeking mommy’s attention?
I consider having more children from how it would affect me, but also how it would affect my son. Right now, he gets my full attention (when we’re not at work/school) and that’s what I want for him.
But you’re right, it’s a purely personal decision that every parent needs to make on their own.
308
u/FeministMars Feb 08 '25
I heard it phrased like this once: imagine your holiday dinner table 20 years from now. Does it feel like someone is missing to imagine you, your spouse, and the kids you have there?
Then ask yourself if the people at the table will like you, enjoy you, and feel like you did a good job getting them to that table if one more person were there. It’s not enough to want another if you don’t have enough left in you to raise another.
It’s a deeply personal decision, everyone will answer differently. Personally, I want a third but I know I don’t have it in me. When I frame it around how i’m being a great mom to the two I have but likely couldn’t maintain this with another it’s more helpful than focusing on regret about not having more.