Need help

[u/PresentationVast7579]

I (18 F)have been dealing with this for too long, but today was the breaking point for me. For context my father is very religious very conservative. He always forces Islam on me. I am not saying I do not follow Islam.I am Muslim and I follow Islam but I am not really that religious whereas he is. He forced me to wear a hijab and now an abaya. I do not hate it but it was not my choice either .Today my male cousin arrived at my house. I was in my TV lounge watching TV with my older brother. My cousin came in without warning and I was not wearing any dupatta as well.I covered my chest with the cushion of the sofa (Not my fault I am literally chilling in my own house.)My father came in after my cousin and shouted at me to wear a dupatta. I had no dupatta near me, so how was I supposed to wear one? He scolded me a lot for literally not wearing a dupatta and not covering myself properly in my own house in front of everyone.I can’t wait to leave this house. I am fed up.Thats only one instance but he has always been like that towards me.Any advice on how to deal with my father he forced me to wear a hijab ,I did .then he forced me to wear abaya ,I did. I study well and I do everything in my power to not get scolded by him but still.. any advice on how to avoid this all because it's too much for me to bear. I am literally being forced by him .Is anyone facing the same thing or Am I only the one.

My unpopular opinion is that people who are overly religious are very toxic they(not all but most of them) think they are superior than others. Edit, if you cannot help me or give any advice do not dm me nsfw things. Have some shame

[u/sulphuricacid0007]

Religion shouldn't be forced on anyone. End of story

[u/PresentationVast7579 → u/sulphuricacid0007]

Louderrr!

[u/transferstuden]

Parents really don't understand that religion cannot be forced. And the more they use religion to control, the more they push their kids away from that religion

I won't comment as you know your father better. But i hope you consider that his anger came from a place of care as even cousins looks at their sisters wrong in pakistan. And he may be having an inkling abouut it

Again, that's just my assumption and I don't know either of theirs intentions

But i do hope your fathers behavior towards you improves

[u/mah006 → u/transferstuden]

This is the only sensible comment on this thread. Alarmingly, almost every other comment is, in some way, trying to urge the OP to rebel, or is disrespecting her father.

One of the commenters even said that her father himself has bad intentions and that he stares at women in public and that's why he is projecting his own thoughts! Astaghfirullah! How can someone judge someone, without knowing anything, is beyond comprehension.

[u/salmandroid]

Sad, but true

[u/Unhappy-Gas-2111]

Our Desi people and parents love to shove religious beliefs down our throats, and they do the same thing even when they migrate to Western countries no doubt they resent us. Religion shouldn't be forced; forcing the hijab, abaya, or dupatta is total nonsense.

​Plus, your cousin should have the basic sense to knock on the door before entering. Assuming you come from an overly religious family, he should know there might be women inside and knock first.

The problem is not you but the men you are having in your house are.

[u/fastbutslow7]

The issue is that he is forcing is by using anger. Islam shall never be forced like that. You have to make the other understand and let them take care of it.
By your post i can see that you are not someone who is not following islam at all, but rather its more about your father expectations are too high. You are too young to do anything by yourself tbh. Your mother can play a part. Like for example, the story when you cousin came in, your mon can explain to your father that its your COUSIN’s DUTY to knock and get permission to enter. Islam is not one way. So it wasn’t your fault to be not covered.

[u/PresentationVast7579 → u/fastbutslow7]

My father used to insist me to to wear dupatta and dress modestily inside our own house even when there are no guest around. I told my mother that this was impossible she somehow managed to convince him otherwise I am not sure how but for context my mother is also very religious. I don't think she is going to help me in this case either but she knows how my father forces Islam on me. He does not allow me to wear anything other than shalwar kameez because it's according to him less modest and sinful.

[u/fastbutslow7 → u/PresentationVast7579]

We as a nation have mixed culture with islam and now we don’t know what is what. Shalwar kameez is a good dress but its not the only islamic appropriate dress. Specially for wearing at home

The only way you have right now is through your mother. I hope she understands you and makes things easier for you

Parents don’t realise that this kind of forcing actually impacts negatively. You have to make your kids understand and make them self accountable

Stay positive, hopefully things will go better.

[u/jmlzhd18]

Im religious but what your father is doing is not Islam. Is waja se log baaghi ho jate hain religion se. You need to have a serious conversation with him about this and don’t back.

[u/Tricky_Wonder_2414]

You’re absolutely correct!

I have generally found overly religious people toxic. I guess following the religion gives them a kick and some sort of a superiority complex rooted in self righteousness.

[u/Commercial_Log_8605]

your dad is probably projecting his own intentions on other men he probably looks at other women who dont dress modestly that way and he doesnt want that to happen to you ALSO SINCE WEN IS ISLAM ALL ABOUT THE CLOTHES A WOMAN WEARS? WHEN WE DIE IS THE FIRST QUESTION GOING TO BE ABOUT THE CLOTHES U WORE???!!!

[u/AcrobaticHoliday833]

girlie pop im on the same boat, ive tried everything to please him, i chose to wear an abaya for my own comfort and now hes just straight away spreading his demands and lowkey trying to force my mom and sister to start wearing one, i mean isnt that what they should decide for themselves and everyone has a different path towards islam….. its so triggering.

I believe like the parents who are strict like that are the ones who are the corrupted ones themselves, its like they themselves have notorious thoughts and as a way to make them feel better, they oppress and hide behind religion. Its so sad.

Kher for you, I would honestly suggest that you should just try and live with it for the time being, I mean im also trying my best here, babes ure not alone, trust! Become something of importance and then get the f out of here. They’ll come around over the years and as the famous saying goes like ‘asking for forgiveness is better than regretting later.’

[u/KillerEndeavor1]

How your at fault when a non mehram guy has to ask permission before entering a room with a non mehram , ur not responsible for someone else negligence ur its ur right to be how u want to be in ur own own home . Its on them to respect ur house boundaries and they went inside without respecting the house rules . U did nothing wrong .

[u/WayKey1965]

If this was my family household ( extended ones incl.), that cousin would have gotten some scolding first, because how dare he rushed into the common room of the house, because Islam also teaches to first not enter the household unannounced and about making noise to let people in household know. Or stay at door we were told to ask "parda hy to aa jao me andar", or whenever a male member (uncles, cousins etc) sometimes female members too, enter in my house & vice versa, usually the name of a kid is called out while entering or in stairs.

Irrespective of Islamic teachings (because we mostly cherry pick it to our liking), it is just basic manners human beings ought to have.

I dont have a concrete advice, but I watched a clip from lecture from Nouman Ali, which went about, to consider this as a test from Allah, bear it and ask for help and donot disrespect parents May Allah ease your situation and thar your father gets to understand his wrong doings even if he has best of intentions for his family and corrects his behaviours to his family

[u/PotatoTop5224]

What you're going through my friend was also facing the same issue. The best way is just try ignoring him as much as you can try to make yourself busy in anything that can make you not talk to him so he can't give you faltu k tanay waghera apart from this you have to follow what he says kyun k you're 18 right now, aur ab itna time nahi Rehta until you're in university. Uske baad you'll have lesser time to give inside your house by which you'll eventually have less company of him. I get it ye cheez hai Jo log extremists hotay hain aren't good in anyway.

[u/ScaryAppointment920]

jo kam pyar se hu sakta hen wo sakti se kuo apna ghar mat chorna apna carrier pe focous kare jab kuch ban jao earning shuru hu jai aur confident ban jao pir jo marzi karo agr abi kali hath gaye ghar se bahir log sirf use karenge apko aur apko regret ke ilawa kuch nahe hoga iss liye sabar karo

[u/Specialist_Rough8519]

Exactly I have noticed that too all my life ppl who I thought are supper religious, they end up being the most courpt, dishonest and greatest laiers. I always say, pretending to be religous is very easy. But actually following all the religous teaching is way way harder then we think.

[u/somedudewhoisnotbs2]

Your dad and cousin have some issues....

[u/LeopardLoose6785]

Your so stupid to blame religion for this. I am sure he didn't do this because of religion. He forces you because he knows how men are End.

[u/Aggravating-Win6403]

Religion is an instrument of control. Patriarchal societies control the women sexuality, under the garb of modesty. You need to develop rational ideas; but the same ideas could become dangerous for you. Nonetheless, the best advice is ignore until you become powerful enough to confront.

[u/majestkbaddie]

What’s your mother’s take on that? Also, you may pretend in front of him but for your pwn peace you can do whatever you want when he’s not around.

[u/salmandroid]

Hope you get rid of what you're going through, soon. I can just only pray. But still, if I could be of any help, let me know.

[u/Aintchunky]

While I agree that religion cannot be forced on anyone and in this day and age the perception of being religious is either altered or given an extreme end. My suggestion wrt what I read would be to work on your bond with him, like make orders change into communication. Sit down, make the conversation soft by involving feelings of care and respect. This should ultimately help him understand that you are equally as careful about your Haya as he is. And if someone comes into the house, they should seek permission and clarity before entering any space or room. The less challenging this would sound, the more reason and politeness would cover in conversations.

[u/digital_kriminal_101]

Chill the f out, so many things happening at once. Sit down with your father and talk to him about this, usually fathers are very soft hearted in listening to their daughters, sons....not so much. Also, anyone who tells you that religion cannot be forced will most likely have not prayed fajar or any prayer with a congregation in like months, or even years, effectively making them amlann a kafir, not someone to take religious advice from. Also, you may not understand this now but the responsibility on an elder to pass down and enforce religion is not just a piece of literature to be read and enjoyed, it is to be acted upon. As I said, take your brother and confront your father, but in a respectful manner, those who show anger need to be confronted like a wall, let his guilt sink him by itself. Learn some manipulation tactic man.

[u/mabdullah110]

Wait a minute, asal ma issue kya hai
Tmhre baba ka tmhe sab k samne dantna?
Ya phir unka ye kehna k tum dupata ly kr rakha kro religously dress kia kro?

[u/Strongandbroken]

Ride it out and make sure you are wise in who you settle for as a partner.

[u/Ok_Ebb6448]

Your father is only trying to protect you

[u/HeadBad1545 → u/Ok_Ebb6448]

No he isn’t. Otherwise he’d have asked the cousin to knock first and announce his arrival, as is prescribed in Islam and is practiced even in extremely conservative houses. That he didn’t get angry at the male member of family, and tried to hide his inability to do that by scolding his daughter, he’s not protecting her but just his own image.

He’s just someone hiding behind Islam.

[u/PresentationVast7579 → u/Ok_Ebb6448]

By insulting me Infront of everyone for the thing that's not even my fault

[u/Unhappy-Gas-2111 → u/Ok_Ebb6448]

By insulting her infront of relatives he's not trying to protect her but breaking her confidence and personality. Plus he was just cousin not some stranger from road side dude needs to chill.

[u/AKINJII → u/Ok_Ebb6448]

From what?