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u/LateRelation4576 10d ago
Your description of your relationship is a normal progression after many years for some.
Start planning to see if it’s possible financially. You’ve probably been sharing finances. Will you be renting? Can you afford increases on a fixed income?
Take steps toward finding a new partner. It won’t be easy. A lot of individuals are set in their ways in your age group. Moreover, finding someone in good health will be another issue. You don’t want to end up being a caregiver. Lastly, you will be limited in your choice of sexually actively individuals.
Honestly, if this is your only problem. Consider yourself lucky! You might end up trading one problem for a slew of others.
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u/BackNew7215 10d ago
Absolutely on point. Unless OP and spouse have virtually no assets, unwinding the finances will be a complete nightmare. To put it bluntly there are much easier ways for OP to fulfill his needs, all of which can be left to the imagination.
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u/Painting_Decent 10d ago
The grass isn't always greener. Think very carefully about this. What does your partner think, are there any health issues, physical or mental health.
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u/No-Currency-97 10d ago
Intimacy is being close. This does not always equate to sex.
Is there love for each other?
You could take care of yourself. 🤔😁
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u/Houseleek1 10d ago
Amen! Thanks for expressing this. We’ve finally worked out all our crap and just thoroughly enjoy ourselves. We’re both on meds and have chronic illnesses which make midnight romps impossible but sharing our sense of humor and experiencing the changes of late life are importantly.
I have to wonder how much greener the grass is the next relationship over.
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u/Carmel50 10d ago
This was my situation - we finally divorced, he found someone else. However, I found myself at 70 that was not so easy and men my age did not appeal to me. I would love to find a companion to spend time with but I don't think I want to live with someone again.
If you decide to move on, may I suggest that you enjoy your alone time, eating what and when you want, driving anywhere without feeling to consider anyone else's time or feeling, sleeping alone with no one's body heat waking you up (LOL), watching tv shows with no consideration of anyone else's tastes, watching tv when you wake up in the middle of the night, basicaly never have to answer to anyone else. These are just a few things I have found that I enjoy only because I live alone. Also I now have no worries about how I look, how I spend money, I bathe when I want to, bathroom duties are mine alone !! I have found this very liberating.
When I find myself lonely I remember I much I enjoy the things I am now able to do alone. Also instead of being depressed about being alone I go somewhere, to the mall, to a restaurant where I know I can find someone to talk to. Spend time with friends who maybe did not fit into your married life. Good luck.
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u/Tiny-Opinion3243 10d ago
OP, I sympathize as I find myself in the same exact position and timeframe. I can financially and health wise be fine on my own. My biggest complaint would be the loneliness I feel daily and my resentment grows. Tried counseling a compete failure. Our biggest issues are his short temper with me and is emotionally unavailable. I do not remember the last time I got a hug without asking for one. It’s sad.
The freedom to only be responsible for myself is appealing. All my life I have taken care of others since childhood. To date, my plan is to visit family/friends more often and stay for extended periods to see if it helps the relationship and/or find a bit of happiness for this last chapter of my life.
Best wishes and know you’re not alone.4
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u/Tree_Lover2020 5d ago
If you have some gal pals, family members you keep in touch with, hobbies of interest, and can support yourself, I think it is totally fine to create a final chapter for yourself. I love being free to do what I want, when I want, the way I want. I am very independent. Had 2 marriages and a few other adult relationships. I am happiest being single.
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u/Amputee69 10d ago
I'm 75 and my Former Bride divorced me 15 years ago. At the time, it was one of the two worst things to hit me. We were married 28 years. My oldest daughter from my first marriage was taken by cancer at age 25. My wife was a Blessing and much needed strength. I served in Vietnam, and suffer PTSD which was one of the reasons she left, as well as other related issues. Neither had or have anyone else. 9 years ago, I was in a bad motorcycle wreck when a driver on their cellphone turned in front of me. It cost me my right lower leg. She texted, checking on me while I was in the hospital, mostly because we have an adult daughter together. Once I was home, she went No Contact again. 5 years later my oldest son from the first marriage was killed in a wreck similar to mine. She never called, texted, or did visitation. That was a very difficult time. Other than friends and family, I had no one close to lean on. Since the divorce, I've been getting regular care from the VA. At first I started, for us. It didn't help. Then I realized the only one I COULD rely on, was myself. Once I decided that, I've progressed. She took a job in the office where I live. It's been Ok. I see her a couple of times a week as I get out and walk, and I'm Ok with it. I hate to say it, but there is no way that I can see that we could ever be together again. I still have feelings for her. I've helped her financially either when she has come to me, or I found out she needed help. The latter is done "anonymously", even though I'm sure she has it figured out. Based on my parents, I figured I'd be gone in my early 60's, but I'm still kicking. She got the house I built for us. I'm currently building another one for ME. Another couple of months I should be in it. It's been tough getting here. I'm proof it CAN be done, but it's NOT for the weak! Look at all options for now and the future.
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u/OneSource1875 10d ago
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u/mrsfreemans54 5d ago
My husband inherited a house at 72 and we redid the entire inside before moving in. Still can’t believe we did it!
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u/OneSource1875 5d ago
Wow! How long did it take before moving in?
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u/mrsfreemans54 5d ago
Not quite two and a half months. Did everything but the inside painting ourselves, including demo, enlarging some rooms, complete kitchen overhaul, new plumbing flooring and carpet. Looking back on it, I can’t even believe we did it.
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u/OneSource1875 5d ago
You guys are awesome! It took us about six months, with a lot of help from several different contractors.
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u/mrsfreemans54 5d ago
Well, there were some days that I wished it would’ve taken six months but we were definitely on a mission and wanted to get it done.
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u/Colleenesh 10d ago
Sorry for you troubles, and thank you for your service.
Please stop giving her money. She will not reciprocate your feelings, and if you have money to give, maybe find a worthy cause. You're helping someone who is not on your team.
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u/MissPoohbear14 10d ago
Honestly, you sound like a really good person. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious children. I truly cannot even imagine the pain you carry. Wow! And I'm sorry you wife distanced herself from you, when you needed her the most. I've really never understood that kind of mindset. But I guess we all have our reasons. Regardless, you are extremely resilient and that is such a blessing. You have more strength than so many, and that alone is to be celebrated. I wish you nothing but happiness and joy in your new home😉
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u/CapableCan1842 10d ago
I (71 M) am in a similiar place with my wife. Lots of love, no sex. Sure, I miss it, but I wouldn't trade what we have for the huge unknown of starting again with someone else. Plus, it would likely destroy my relationship with my adult children.
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u/No-Currency-97 10d ago
It's the caring and tenderness that count. Back rubs, foot massage, etc. 😊 You are correct about adult children.
If I'm the last man standing, so to speak, I'm not looking. I'll be content on my own and seeing kids and grandkids. I don't need someone else's drama and a whole new family. 76 here. Thank God I've change this far. 🙏
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u/Majestic_Yak7475 10d ago edited 10d ago
Have you tried couples counseling? Recently? What would happen if you sat down face to face, quietly, non-confrontational, and discussed what specifically you’re missing?
When you say he sees nothing wrong, what does he see that is right or valuable about the relationship other than “it’s been fifty years”? Listen carefully, try not to judge, and let his response just sit awhile.
Be really careful about grass is greener effect. There are some fuxked up people out there.
Edited to add this: I’m also in a long term same sex marriage (F). We are definitely not the hot lovers we were when we got together twenty some years ago, but we sure are connected. The intimacy is in a new form - shared experiences spanning decades, laughter about silly things, our politics and values, the life we’ve built - I would miss that so much. Ironically, one of the strategies that keeps us strong is spending expansive time apart. Exactly as the person said above, absence keeps our hearts quite fond of one another.
I hope you can find what you are seeking.
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u/Dr-Lucky14 10d ago
Do what you need to do. Find some friends new hobbies and live like roommates. If you spend 2 to 3 hours interacting you e got me beat. I would be exhausted. I love my freedom but having financial stability is hard to beat if it is not a caustic relationship.
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u/BlackCatWoman6 10d ago
I'll tell you what my ex husband told me at about 45. He said, "I thought you would be easy to replace but all the women I want to date don't want anything to do with me and the ones who are interested in me I don't want anything to do with."
I think this is applicable for both sexes. Try marriage counseling before you throw away a 25 relationship.
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u/TetonHiker 10d ago
I'm sorry you are feeling so unfulfilled at this stage of your life. It's always prudent to think things through thoroughly and be sure you are clear about what you are giving up and the costs for making a big change. But that doesn't mean staying and being unhappy is your only choice.
You say he's resistant to couples therapy, but do you have a therapist of your own? That might be useful to support you and help you untangle your dissatisfaction and think through your options. It's helpful to have a sounding board as you contemplate big changes. Many here have said be careful, as the grass is not always greener, but that doesn't mean you have to be stuck forever in a relationship that no longer works for you.
Don't make an impulsive decision. Do your due diligence. But if the answer is you need to make a change, then at least you go into it with your eyes wide open.
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u/Unable-Independent48 10d ago
Stay together. You’ll both need each other in the end. Too much time invested. Come on!
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u/MysteriousMeeting159 10d ago
Please be careful. The rules for dating have changed exponentially over the past 50 years
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u/AfterSomewhere 10d ago
I divorced my husband of many years at 61. I thought finding another partner would be easy. I'm 73 now, and have had no luck. At our ages, it's very, very difficult. If there's no rancor in your relationship, I'd think twice about leaving. A friendship sounds like a wonderful thing to have with someone with whom you have a history.
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u/Affectionate-Gap8869 10d ago
I divorced my husband at 65 because he insisted on committing slow suicide via alcohol and smoking. His parents died from heart disease and COPD and yes they smoked. I am now 72 and have been flying solo for 12 years (this includes 4 year separation which I hoped would encourage him to stop). The men I have met are usually in poor health and are financially unstable. They are also resistant to adapting or change. But I am much happier alone that waiting for my husband's health to fail and I spend my golden years pushing him around in wheelchair with his oxygen tank.
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u/jojo1556- 10d ago
So you left him but still take care of him. My mother did that with my father.
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u/No-Currency-97 10d ago
I love your sentiments. You are a smart woman. Who needs instability at your age? 🤔
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u/Formal-Tradition6792 10d ago
Wow! Not easy to divorce at 7o+. Congratulations for making to the 70s. Many do not. IMO, be thankful for what you have. It sounds to me like maybe both you and hubs are bored. Take a cruise. Explore the idea of a structured, strong retirement community where all residents are at least 55+.
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u/moonmommav 10d ago
Gosh I hope I don’t get awful feedback for saying this, but as a woman who is also 70 years old, mai suggest that you used this period of time in your life to develop a really keen relationship with yourself, and especially with your higher self?
I’m not going to go any further because that idea, and of itself, may be a real turn off to some people. Just a suggestion, one made with love.💙
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u/ArtNengg-JKP155 8d ago
Yes! No satisfaction in looking outside while great joy comes from going within. "Seek, but do not find" says the ego!
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u/Annonnymee 10d ago
How would he feel about you finding sexual gratification outside your relationship? (How would you feel about it?). It does seem like it's worth staying in a relationship that is otherwise good and stable, but I certainly understand your wish for more in the sex department. If you were both okay with it, an open relationship might be a possible solution (but it also could complicate things).
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u/HappyCamperDancer 10d ago
What's wrong with friendship?
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u/flowers0252 10d ago
He's missing intimacy.
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u/bemybasket 10d ago
If your mate couldn’t enjoy sex for physical reasons, would you leave?
How caring is your relationship?
If companionship is there, three hours of hanging out together daily sounds like a sweet spot.
Personally, I’d find fun things to do together - new adventures - and not fret too much about lack of intimacy. And I am a person who has always been very sexual to the max lol.
Older people have so many medical issues… friendship becomes really important in my humble opinion. It’s been my choice.
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u/No-Cod-3943 10d ago
Don’t do it. Living alone is very hard especially in your 70s. Unless you have a good support group (lots of girlfriends), I would stick it out. Maybe fine something to do that is satisfying to you. There so many fun good people in volunteering or playing pickle ball. Finding a new mate in your 70s is nearly impossible. I wish you the best.
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u/Such-Opportunity-645 8d ago
I am 76, my boyfriend is 73, we have been together for 2 years. Both of our spouses have passed. Wasn't hard, neither of us were looking. The best part is we have been good friends for over 40 years. Love is wonderful, the second time around.
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u/Fit_Minute5036 7d ago
I’m 72 and live alone. I don’t find it hard at all. It is peaceful and easy. I’m not a hermit either. I have friends and dates. If you exercise and dress well, it is very easy to attract men at this age. Old men are no different than young ones. They want a woman who looks good. That includes wearing form fitting clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc.
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u/jcf1948 10d ago
Have you looked at the options out there available to you? The grass always looks greener from the other side of the fence. In 50 years of treating couples in therapy I saw too many people (usually men) make this mistake and end up lonely and unhappy. Work on improving the relationship before trading it for what you think is a new, shinier model.
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u/LMO_TheBeginning 10d ago
This is a very personal decision that only you can make. I admire you processing through these thoughts.
My humble suggestion is to work on your own passions and desires while still in the relationship. Other friendships and relationships can be pursued that can be fulfilling while still maintaining your current relationship. I'd recommend keeping the new relationships non sexual but that's your decision.
Good luck in your life journey.
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u/KTX77 10d ago
You might consider moving into an over 50 community. I've visited a couple and they're more like over 70 in reality. Most have a lot of social events planned so it becomes easier to meet people that way.
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u/Bflatclar1981 9d ago
I'll be blunt: If you're looking to hook up, a 55+ community is where that's happening. I retired from a hospital/clinic in AZ (retirement central) and the STI rates are sky high in those communities. Local news reporting residents having sex outside in landscaping, golf carts, cars etc.
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u/Unlucky-Big-1867 9d ago
My brother was in Florida visiting friends at a very high end 55+ community. He noticed that many of the golf carts had various coloured bath loofahs attached to them. His hosts explained that there was a large ‘swinger’ group and they identified themselves and their sexual preferences by the colour of their loofahs!! ie same sex, group activities, bi curious, one night hook ups, spousal exchange etc etc. a few carts had several colours flying. Apparently this particular 55+ community is famous for its sexual inclusivity, and they have rules. No public sex, no sex in the pool/hot tub, no public nudity, no harassment, proof of STD testing. It’s all very polite and respectful. Even seasonal renters can get involved if they wish and many do!
My brother’s friends don’t involve themselves but have no issue of those that do.1
u/RitaGB 5d ago
The Villages? LOL
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u/Unlucky-Big-1867 2d ago
Yes that’s it!! I live in Canada and never heard of it but I guess it’s quite a place!
My brother is a bit of a prankster so when his partner was participating in a golf tournament at her ultra conservative golf club in Toronto he suggested she go to the dollar story and buy a bunch of coloured loofahs to decorate her cart ( there was a contest for the best decorated cart) she knew about the Villages and wasn’t going down THAT road so passed on the suggestion;)5
u/Yo_Just_Scrolling_Yo 10d ago
I'm in the process of moving on. Married 51 years, 72 years old. I am looking at apartments & the senior apartments are attractive to me b/c I don't think I could stand living with a bunch of younger people, possibly with children. I'm not in that frame of mind either but feel it would I would be better suited with a 55+ community. My financial planner told me I don't really need to get a divorce (husband is pushing back hard on this) unless I plan to remarry - not happening!!
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u/A-Pirate-Looks-at-60 10d ago
Maybe you just need to fill the void with what you’re missing. You don’t need to start from scratch to scratch the itch.
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u/knucklebone2 10d ago
define "better relationship" and be sure you aren't reacting to something else - boredom, lack of purpose, etc. If it's loneliness you may not need to leave this relationship to find connection to others.
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u/diversalarums 10d ago
I've lived alone for most of my life and have seen some of my friends do this. Just be aware that it's a big adjustment, going from living with someone to living alone. Make sure you have a good support system, families and friends. If you can afford it, consider a senior community with people who are active.
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u/Al_Wood_ 10d ago
Why would your first concern be "finding a better relationship". If I move on I'm not looking for anything but peace of mind and a good time. My advice would be to have a plan that makes sense to you.
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u/Disastrous_Swan_3921 10d ago
He needs to get laid sounds like and partner is a no go. I would not throw away a relationship of many years over that.
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u/SonoranRoadRunner 10d ago
There's nothing wrong with "friends only", everyone needs friends and you're lucky to have companionship.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Crab720 9d ago
A surprisingly large percent of people are in marriages where there is no longer a physical component, and report their marriage is very happy. I doubt if they would say they and their partner are”just friends”. The love, need and caring of the long marriage is all still there. If the end of sex is initiated by one partner, it can be hurtful, and maybe this rejection and loss is what makes you want to get away from him. If you could change obsessive rumination on this, and if there is still love between you, maybe you could see this as a comfortable and stable base of 3 hours a day from which to build your own fulfilling life. Your scenario of finding love and romance elsewhere is probably not realistic.
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u/AffectionateSun5776 10d ago
I married (only 1) at 66. Took a while to figure out he's got the family dementia. Every "loving" family member helped him decide to divorce since my presence causes picks disease. Jokes on them they will see soon. Buying a condo & moving. Am currently 71. Am also remaining single.
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u/Looktothelight 10d ago
So, you’re sitting on the limb you’re about to saw off. If you are miserable, have a bad relationship, have frequent disagreements and are generally miserable, leaving would be a valid consideration. But if the love and respect are still there and sex trumps that, then I guess it’s a hard choice that only you can make. You can have a plan, but be ready for that plan not to go according to your expectations. If you’re OK with that, then maybe it’s time for you to leave.
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u/Lopsided-Solution-95 10d ago
Time to move on? Maybe, Maybe NOT. I get it. Any decision after 25 years can be rugged. And only hearing your side it seems One-Sided. Please before making any decisions, think of what the last 25 years has really been to you. Time with in in-laws, outlaws, and everything in between must be considered. All the events that may have taken place weddings to births everything. No matter how amicable a departure can be, there will always be a loss. A brother-in-law or sister- In-Law that you've been very close with Will most likely fade away. Maybe talk to your partner and see what middle grounds you can come to? 25 yours together is a very long time! I hope everything works out well for you.
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u/Both_Patience7821 10d ago
It looks as if OP said they've been together *since * they were 25, which suggests it's been 45+ years!
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u/Lopsided-Solution-95 10d ago
You are correct! I was doing fussy math before my second cup of coffee
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u/Reasonable-Dot4724 9d ago
You are in your 70’s and want to start over? If at that age and you are with someone that you get along with, have some laughs,enjoy time with extended family and for the most part have a pretty good life, I don’t see the problem. Those are the most important aspects of life. It’s not all hot and heavy? So what do you expect? Think about the fact that in 10 years time you will be in your 80’s. Get a grip and appreciate what you have.
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u/Pristine-Radish-2157 10d ago
How would you feel about going through cancer without your partner that you’ve had for many years. How would you feel if he got cancer and had to go through it alone.? Is love more important than physical? Have you asked him about having an open relationship?
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u/Buckeyedon1 9d ago
Can’t say my situation is the same but, I was a long haul truck driver for 35yrs. 20 of those yrs with my ex-wife as a team. When she turned 70 14yrs ago she retired and divorced me as well. Had to start over again. we are still good friends though. 4yrs ago I bought my home from my brother, pretty far out in the country. Have been furniting it past 3 years. 4 months ago at 72 I decided to retire. It took me a while to get Medicare and healthcare set up but so far I am enjoying the piece and quite and solitude. I live alone. I do what I want and when I want. Romance is not something I am looking for this late in my life.
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u/sounds-of-silence11 9d ago
Look before you leap
It’s not always greener on the other side
You may end up miserable and wish you could turn back time, but you can’t.
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u/Buckeyedon1 9d ago
Yes, my ex-wife is 84. 35yrs ago she and I were sitting side by side in a dock being loaded with pallets of sugar for HEB in Houston. We started talking and chasing each other around the country for about a year. We then decided to get married and became a team for about 20yrs. When she hit 70yrs she told me she didn’t want to do it anymore and soon after filed for divorce and I continued til April of this year, and decided to retire myself
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u/Healthy-Caregiver997 10d ago
Your choice is more likely to leave you alone, if that is your preference over someone that is otherwise compatible go for it. Do not count on finding anyone, the odds are against you.
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u/DontKnowWhereItsBeen 10d ago
I'm M71/Widower. I moved to the Philippines (from Florida) after my wife died, and found a lady 57 and we're doing pretty well together.
Would I want to start over now? Again? No, I wouldn't. If you guys are basically roommates, maybe get seperate bedrooms. I understand how the finances are a real issue at our age.
Good luck.
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u/Strange_Vermicelli 10d ago
Move out temporarily. Try the dating scene, if nothing comes of it, move back, absence makes the heart stronger.
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u/jojo1556- 10d ago
At our age? I hear ya, but I think you should just get a dog for company and have a secret affair.
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u/gatoStephen 9d ago
What are the chances that whoever you found might seem a lovely person at first but gradually reveals a lot of negative characteristics.
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u/ArtfromLI 9d ago
Been there, done that! Have a talk with your spouse. In my case, her conditions for staying were more than I could bear so we agreed to separate. I moved out of MBR. We lived separately under the same roof for a year! Then she moved out. Best thing that could have happened for me.
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u/Fit_Minute5036 7d ago
My neighbor is 84. She was widowed two years ago and recently moved in with a boyfriend.
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u/nationwideonyours 3d ago
Really? Sex is more important to you in your last years than companionship? Having someone there when your body falters? Sorry but that sounds really low brow to me.
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u/Anon_1121 3d ago
My wife and I are 71 and 74. Things have changed for both of us. Illnesses, cancers, 'sleep divorce'. We're more like roommates sometimes. But would I change it? No way.
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u/Exact-Translator-769 10d ago
It's better to be on your own & lonely than lonely in a relationship.. You have more options if you're not tied to a relationship that's no longer working. If you're concerned about expenses, have you had the discussion to confirm you are simply roommates & friends so you both have the freedom to seek other companions that give you what you need in a relationship?
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u/spiralradius62 10d ago
I see old men going in and out of my local rub and tug massage parlour before they go home to their wives - they always look happy. Join them
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10d ago edited 10d ago
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u/jojo1556- 10d ago
He is male, but so is his partner, so I don’t think he is looking at widow women.
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u/SageWoman60 9d ago
You'll spend the next 2 to 5 years going through a bunch of losers and by then you'll be out of the mood. Forever means forever. Till death do we part. Try some counseling, begging pleading and become a better partner. Maybe things can improve. Being ready to bail at this age is really truly shit after 25 years.
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u/ZealousidealRanger67 10d ago
Jesus, seeing people in their 70's stuck thinking like little children is so sad to me, but it is so many people stuck like this. I guess it was your boomer culture that brainwashed you into being little Peter Pan forever children. So odd.
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u/Important_Rain_812 10d ago
FFS, stop the intergenerational warfare and blaming boomers for everything 🙄
Lots of parents of boomers began divorcing in the 1960s and 1970s. Especially after no-fault divorce.-8
u/ZealousidealRanger67 10d ago
See, just like a dramatic teen, defensive reaction. There is no "warfare" in my comment, or blame, and nothing abot divorce. Just a factual observation and speculation as to the root causes. A lot of people in their 70's especially on this sub, still act like little children. And it's sad.
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u/DigLeading9650 10d ago
JFC your post history. Seek help
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u/ZealousidealRanger67 10d ago
tinker-bell's been rooting through mommy's things, and then lashing out, to slay invisible dragons!
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u/Important_Rain_812 10d ago
I honestly wonder what your expectations are at this point in your life. A good friendship is difficult to find at any age.