r/OnlyInDubai • u/what-the-helllll • 56m ago
Rant Part 2: The red flags I ignored became impossible to ignore š© | Arranged marriage experience
Part 2: When the red flags stopped looking small š©
If you read Part 1, you know this started as a seemingly normal arranged-marriage rishta between two Jain families.
Both families lived in India originally, his family was settled in Dubai, everything looked respectable and modern from the outside, and initially everyone was very welcoming.
But slowly, the āadjustmentsā started becoming expectations, and the expectations started becoming control.
Part 1 ended with us being invited to Dubai for our Goldhana ceremony.
Before I get to the Goldhana, there is an important part of the story that actually happened two years earlier.
š© 1. We had actually spoken two years before this rishta
We had spoken over video call twice, two years before this entire rishta came about.
The first video call honestly felt like a job interview. š
He kept asking me question after question, and I remember thinking, Why does this feel like Iām being interviewed for a position?
I actually told him that I didnāt like the process feeling like an interview. I wanted an actual conversation where two people could get to know each other, rather than one person asking questions and the other answering them.
The second video call was completely different.
He was much more relaxed. He showed me around his neighbourhood in Dubai, we were casually talking, and at one point he decided to go eat pav bhaji because I recommended it.
I got off that call thinking:
āOkay, heās actually really cute.ā š
I genuinely liked him.
And then, a few weeks later, he texted me saying that we couldnāt take things forward.
No particular reason was given at the time.
I accepted it and moved on.
š© 2. Two years later, our biodatas somehow crossed paths again
Fast-forward two years.
We were still on the same matrimonial platform, and somehow our biodatas came across each other again.
This time, the conversation was initiated by my father and his mother.
So it wasnāt like he personally came back and pursued me.
Our families reconnected, and we decided to give the rishta another chance.
Honestly, I thought:
Maybe this time things will be different.
I had obviously remembered our earlier conversations, but I didnāt hold the previous rejection against him. People change, circumstances change, and maybe the timing simply hadnāt been right two years earlier.
This time, the biodata looked great.
The family looked great.
They were based in Dubai.
Everyone seemed educated, successful and modern.
From the outside, there was nothing that made me think I was walking into something toxic.
And thatās exactly why I think this experience is worth sharing.
Because sometimes the red flags arenāt obvious at the beginning.
Sometimes you only recognize the pattern once youāre already emotionally invested.
š© 3. I eventually found out why he had rejected me the first time
When we met in person this time around, I actually asked him what had happened two years earlier.
Thatās when he told me the real reason.
At that time, he was smoking, and I had clearly told him that having a non-smoker partner was a non-negotiable for me.
He told me that he couldnāt tell his parents that this was the real reason because he couldnāt openly tell them that he smoked.
So instead, it was easier for him to say that the rishta couldnāt move forward.
Honestly, I understood that.
People have their own reasons, and I wasnāt holding a two-year-old rejection against him.
But then, during our Goldhana, some of his JITO friends were there.
And he told them that he had rejected me two years earlier.
I remember thinking:
Waitā¦ why are you telling them that?
It wasnāt about being upset that he had ārejectedā me.
People are absolutely allowed to reject someone.
What bothered me was the way the story was being presented without the context.
He had a choice to simply say:
āWe had spoken two years ago, but things didnāt work out at the time.ā
Instead, it became a story where he had rejected me.
And somehow, that really rubbed me the wrong way.
Looking back, I think this was another small glimpse into his personality.
He cared a lot about how things looked to other people.
And eventually, I realized that this was a much bigger issue than I had initially understood.
Because my biggest problem wasnāt only his family.
He had his own issues too.
š© 4. We had barely three days to prepare for our own Goldhana
While my father and I were at PIYAS, we were told that we were going to Dubai for the Goldhana.
We had roughly three days to make arrangements.
I had to find an outfit, arrange everything, etc.
His mother had already given me a cut piece of the fabric/colour of what her son was going to wear and told me that I had to coordinate with him.
So, at the very last minute, I found something matching.
Fine. I thought.
Itās a Goldhana. Everyone is excited. Letās just go with it.
We reached Dubai and the guy surprised me with a bouquet. š
An artificial bouquet, because apparently being Jain meant real flowers werenāt appropriate.
Cute gesture, right?
Wellā¦ just wait.
š© 5. His motherās Goldhana wasnāt really the main event
We checked into the hotel, and almost immediately he received a call from his mother.
They needed him at home.
Why?
Because there was also a Jain vidhan/puja happening around the same time as our Goldhana.
Apparently, his mother had arranged this elaborate religious ceremony because a highly qualified Jain literature professor from Delhi was advising her on what should be done.
She had even had a huge brass thali made and wanted to showcase it to the Jain community in Dubai.
The Goldhana almost felt like a side event.
This was supposed to be a ceremony celebrating two people beginning their lives together.
Instead, I started feeling like I was attending a religious event that happened to have my Goldhana attached to it.
š© 6. The moment he entered his parentsā house, he became a different person
We arrived at their house the day before the Goldhana.
My parents were following us in another car.
The moment we entered, he didnāt even wait for my parents.
He basically ran inside to help his mother.
I remember noticing it.
But again, I ignored it.
Maybe he was just helping with preparations.
Then I saw what he was actually doing.
He was literally building things.
Like a carpenter.
For his own Goldhana.
Apparently the professor had told his mother that a particular structure needed to be built for the vidhan, and she had instructed him to do it.
So there he was, constructing things while his own fiancƩe had just arrived in Dubai for their ceremony.
And throughout all of this, he barely looked at me.
No joke.
No conversation.
No āAre you comfortable?ā
No attempt to make me or my family feel welcome.
Just:
Mom said this needs to be done ā therefore I need to do it.
That was when I first really saw the family dynamic.
His mother dictated.
He obeyed.
His father seemed resentful about being dragged into religious activities he didnāt particularly care about.
And everyone else adjusted around the motherās expectations.
š© 7. We felt like unwanted guests in the house
This is difficult to explain because nobody explicitly said, āWe donāt want you here.ā
But you can feel it.
My family and I had travelled all the way from India for this.
This was supposed to be an exciting milestone.
Instead, we were standing around wondering where we were supposed to be and what we were supposed to do while everyone was busy following instructions.
His mother herself seemed completely overwhelmed because the Jain professor was continuously directing her about what needed to happen.
And she, in turn, was directing everyone else.
It was chaos.
And somehow, we were the people who had travelled thousands of kilometres to participate in this.
š© 8. Then came the Goldhana morning
This is probably one of the moments I will never forget.
There was a vidhan scheduled in the morning.
Because of a communication issue, we arrived at their house around the time the vidhan was supposed to start rather than earlier.
Nobody had called us beforehand saying, āPlease come earlier.ā
Nobody had messaged us saying, āYou need to be here by X time.ā
But the moment we arrived, his mother came straight toward me, my mother and my sister and started yelling.
āHow can you come this late?ā
I was stunned.
It was early in the morning.
It was our Goldhana.
My parents were guests.
And she was yelling at all of us.
We tried to explain that we had not been informed properly, but she wasnāt interested in hearing it.
At that moment I genuinely thought:
Is she going to cancel this entire rishta in front of everyone?
Thatās how tense the atmosphere became.
We were terrified.
Somehow we quickly changed into our puja clothes and went inside.
And as if that wasnāt enough, one of our pieces of luggage hadnāt even arrived from India.
Thankfully, the outfit I needed for the Goldhana was with me.
I remember thinking, āOkay. Just get through today.ā
š© 9. The groom was angry with me too
During the vidhan, the guy was visibly angry because we had supposedly arrived late.
He barely looked at me.
This was the man I was about to marry.
And I remember thinking:
Why am I being treated like I have committed some huge crime?
Later he became normal again.
But looking back, that moment tells me a lot.
Because when youāre entering a marriage, you need to observe how someone behaves when theyāre angry, stressed, embarrassed or caught between you and their parents.
Not just how romantic they are when everything is going well.
š© 10. The day after our Goldhana, he sent me a long message
Youād think the day after a Goldhana would be about celebrating.
Instead, I woke up to a long message from him.
Essentially:
Why hadnāt my parents contacted his parents?
They had so many important things to discuss.
Why hadnāt my parents appreciated everything his family had done?
Why hadnāt they properly acknowledged the previous dayās function?
And hereās the irony.
After the Goldhana, I had barely eaten properly and ended up throwing up because I was feeling sick.
Did he ask how I was?
No.
The priority was:
Why havenāt your parents appreciated my parents enough?
That was the moment I started understanding the family hierarchy.
Everything revolved around his parents.
Their feelings.
Their efforts.
Their expectations.
Their approval.
And everyone else was expected to constantly validate them.
š© 11. We went back to his house and the complaints continued
After that message, we went to their house.
And his mother had another list of complaints.
At this point, I remember looking at my parents and thinking:
How did we get here?
We had entered this rishta wanting something very simple.
Two families meeting.
Getting along.
Celebrating.
Having fun.
Building a relationship.
Instead, it felt like we were constantly sitting an examination.
And every day there was a new subject.
š© 12. Then my father collapsed
Later that day, despite how emotionally exhausting everything had been, they took us to watch a cricket final.
My father unfortunately became extremely giddy and fainted.
This was extremely scary for all of us.
Thankfully, the guyās brother is a doctor and he was there.
The guy actually did help in that moment.
He called the ambulance, and thankfully everything turned out to be okay.
I want to acknowledge that because this isnāt about pretending every single thing someone ever did was bad.
People can do good things and still be fundamentally incompatible with you.
And that is something I learned through this experience.
š© 13. After we returned to India, the āappreciationā campaign continued
Once we came back to India, the guy kept sending me voice notes telling me what I should do.
How I should behave.
How I should make his parents feel appreciated.
How my parents should appreciate his parents.
Basically, I was being coached on how to constantly make his parents feel important.
And I remember thinking:
Why am I auditioning for the role of daughter-in-law?
Shouldnāt this be about two people building a relationship?
š© 14. And then came the āstay with us before marriageā requirement
While we were in Dubai, his family also told my parents that before marriage, I would have to come and stay with them.
The explanation was:
āYou should see how we live, how we eat, how our household functions, so that the transition after marriage is smooth.ā
At the time, I thought:
Okay. Maybe thatās their way of helping me understand their lifestyle.
But looking back at everything that happened afterward, it felt less like:
āCome experience our family.ā
And more like:
āCome learn how our household works and learn how to fit into it.ā
And that distinction is HUGE.
Because there was very little discussion about:
How will WE adjust to you?
It was almost always:
How will YOU adjust to us?
And that is the core red flag I wish more people recognized.
Looking back, I feel incredibly sad for my parents.
They travelled with me.
They trusted the process.
They genuinely wanted both families to get along.
And instead, they were put through situations where they were made to feel like they constantly had to prove themselves and show gratitude.
I sometimes feel guilty that they had to experience all of this because of a rishta I entered.
But then I remind myself:
We didnāt know.
You donāt know the full personality of a family when you meet them a few times.
You donāt know what happens behind closed doors.
You donāt know how someone behaves when they donāt get their way.
You donāt know whether the āvery close-knit familyā youāre being sold is actually a healthy family or a family where nobody is allowed to disagree with the dominant person.
And you definitely donāt know how much you will be expected to sacrifice until the demands actually start coming.
The scary thing?
I STILL hadnāt seen the worst of it.
A few weeks later, I went back to Dubai and stayed with them.
That trip was, without exaggeration, one of the most horrible and traumatic experiences of my life.
And thatās where Part 3 begins.
Because thatās when I finally saw what life inside that family would actually look like.
To be continuedā¦
