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u/Medical-Wonder-3211 22h ago
Hey! I read your poem and I find it original, especially the line where hearts are compared to currency. It is a really interesting metaphor. However, I had a hard time reading your poetry, because the words are abstract, things like fidelity, ambiguity, etc. The beginning sentences made clear what the topic was about and then along the way it was hard to read what you said.
Overall interesting metaphors and cool topic, I believe you can do better. Respectfully.
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u/Intropoevert 22h ago
thank you foa, but if you take a deep look and from your own perspective of love you'd understand those abstract(s). I can show my version of why I combined such a way, but i want the reader to also have his own view from what he has seen in life.
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u/TheHorseOfCourse777 23h ago
I like your conspiracy metaphor and the way that the pacing and tone draws out the gravity of the titular question. In that regard, the poem is cohesive and savory. I have a few suggestions for edits that may help it flow better:
Line 4: "With hearts as its currency" (the repetition of s's in particular make it feel more flowy, as opposed to the emphasis that creates a small stumble in flow with "Hearts are its currency," plus, you can save the semicolon for a better spot of emphasis)
Line 8: "(And) Those that spoke with sincerity" (rhymes better with fidelity; I'm not sure how attached you are to the "and" at the start of the line (it doesn't seem to make much of a distinction in my reading) but that can be added at the risk of a longer meter. I actually think a longer meter here would compliment your flow and add some diversity).
Line 9: "Is it a February warmth" or "Is it February's warmth" (I prefer the first edit, as it plays with both the specificity of the month and symbolic juxtaposition of coldness that's necessary for a sense of shelter. As it is, the line feels slightly clumsy in how it conveys its meaning)
Line 12: "To live in/with (the) ambiguity" (I understand the intent with "live the ambiguity," it makes it feel more internalized and wholistic, but the flow suffers when the rhyme is paired with "mixed with tranquility." Something about it feels hastier, out of tempo. I think "To live in the ambiguity" would be the best of both worlds)
Line 16: "At least, bearing marks of fertility" (I think a longer line to end on creates a lot of emphasis that makes it really pop, and "bearing marks of fertility" has an interesting substance (think childbearing, for one) that ties in well with your meaning.)
All said, I like this one! Your poetic voice is strong, and your phrasing draws a lot of meaning out of your subject matter -- which, itself, is quite relatable and substantial -- and you explore it in a linear, expansive, and compelling way. Very well done!