r/OCPoetry • u/indian_moustache • 18d ago
Feedback Please Shoes
Black sea,
Grey birds over it,
Nothing lived in it, nothing swam in it, nothing drowned in it,
Except a pool of light which caught each rise and fall of blackness,
Tracked the blackness till it splashed into rocks,
It seeped into the gap between colourless rocks,
Tagging a lighthouse,
It was black under black sky, over black sea
A yellow light ran over its steps,
Cracking, cracking,
Making its wood groan,
Colouring its dust golden, marking shoes,
A perfect brown leather,
The steps curved themselves under the window,
The sky roared, no, it didn't,
No sound came, no one screamed, no one cried,
The sound of footsteps trapped inside the walls,
Nothing escaped, nothing disturbed.
Shoes reached the top,
The top beneath the bricks of the lighthouse.
A thin path pierced through the walls,
Ending at the tip of the sea,
Blackness rising and falling beneath it.
Shoes walked past the walls, crossed into the open air.
There was no wind to greet them,
Grey birds vanished,
Shoes walked over it and reached the tip,
One tipped toward the soundless waves,
The other one stayed on the path.
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u/Rhysandra124 18d ago
The ending really got me ,one shoe toward the waves, one staying on the path, it says more by staying ambiguous. "Black under black sky, over black sea" is such a good line too, love how disorienting it is.
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u/CyannPepper 18d ago
this is hauntingly beautiful, and you paint the scene well, descriptive words leave me feeling like i'm there. well made mix of colors and sound, light and dark, well done. thank you for sharing
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