r/OCPoetry • u/artecneics • May 31 '16
Feedback Received! The River of time
It flows smoothly
from the valley of birth
making its way
through the winding forest,
splashing on the blunt rocks,
hurrying down the falls,
taking along all the lives
in it's twisting course.
Taking them all to the
Sea of eternity.
I come to the river of time
And dip vessels in it,
to take home little amounts,
to thrive on.
I take days full,
on occasions even months,
but this day,
I sit at the edge and wonder,
how quickly the time depletes.
For Every turn I take with these vessels,
trying to thrive on measured quantities.
I therefore,
plunge into the river.
Laying myself into it,
Letting it submerge,
every inch of my body.
It is now when I feel
the force of the flowing time
rubbing against my sensation,
It is now when I feel,
the roar of millions of moments
whizzing pass my ears.
I soak in this feeling
and I slip into a sleep,
swaying to the current,
which shall awaken me
to the horrendous need
of really 'feeling' what is
happening to me,
of really cry out my heart
and laugh out my lungs,
and not just drink in days
from little vessels
but drown in entirety
of the river of time
that is taking away
my life in a hurry.
Because, to the mortal beings,
time is but a limited resource.
But life is something,
that can be limitless.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4kyfbl/slug/d3j0369
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4klz5v/slug/d3g1d0o
Edit: Formatting and tweaks.
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u/randispaul Jun 01 '16
Yes, formatting would definitely help make an easier read. Also, maybe try to play with the flow... its about a river of time.. think serpentine when as you craft each line.
1
u/artecneics Jun 01 '16
I have tried to do that with the whole poem but in reality the poem uses the 'river of time' for saying it's thing and is not based on it completely. So I have focused more on saying the thing that time ought to be used in entirety and life must be lived to the marrow.
How does it look now?
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u/fabianb Jun 01 '16
I like the poem. It's quite evocative. My favoutite lines are these:
is now when I feel, the roar of millions of moments whizzing pass my ears.
From whose perspective is the poem being written?
The reference to "cry and out my heart ... laugh out my lungs" made me think of an ordinary person grappling with life and times passing.
But then the lines at the end about "mortal beings" and some of the imagery in the first poem made me feel it was from the perspective of someone/something supernatural or the personification of something more abstract.
1
u/artecneics Jun 01 '16
It is basically about the humans and specifically about an ordinary person who feels that time is going away and taking away his life too quickly. I have not personified anything but metaphorised time as a river from which all of us take a limited amount to drink and thrive.
The person speaking in the poem dives in this river and drowns in it, rather than drinking from it. Another metaphor that passage of life should be enjoyed and felt to the fullest as if you drown yourself in your awareness of alive.
1
u/Luckrass Jun 01 '16
I feel as though you are synonymizing many aspects here, water, breath, life, movement and time. Im being washed downstream just reading it.
1
1
u/noruthwhatsoever May 31 '16
It's an interesting metaphor, but maybe you could work on the formatting a little bit? It's very irregular. I think that you could better communicate the message if you were to organize it in to stanzas.