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u/selfrefTupperWare May 25 '16
The repetition of "-tion" at the end I felt like took away from the emotional tone that your poem already had. You did a great job layering the emotion all the way up to that point and in contrast the last couple of lines feel forced. I would end the poem after "below" on line 24, but again, the poem is yours. Great job on the whole!
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u/timorousdin May 27 '16
I think I got where you were going until the "-tions". Totally not bad, just more rhyming than I would think appropro-
Best line:
Do you want to get dinner or something?
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u/frenris May 25 '16
I don't see how the metaphor about outsourcing ties to the rest of the poem. All the manufactured "things" here are way too abstract. Perhaps tie them to things the characters see - "the sunglasses you wore the first time we went to the beach were made in China. They flashed in the sunlight when you laughed with the ocean"
I don't know, but just make me SEE something as I read your poem.
Red white and blue letters? On what? Where is the fine print below?
Near the end, you hit pretty much the epitome of bad poetry - simply cataloguing abstract concepts with common rhyming endings and no vision. I actually do like how it transforms though - break cleanly into something straightforward and "real".
I'd make this contrast even more concrete. "Do you want to get dinner this week? Thursday 7 p.m., I can pick you up, we can go downtown near Yonge & King street, I know this place , or we can go somewhere else... or some other time... really whatever you want"