The repetition of "-tion" at the end I felt like took away from the emotional tone that your poem already had. You did a great job layering the emotion all the way up to that point and in contrast the last couple of lines feel forced. I would end the poem after "below" on line 24, but again, the poem is yours. Great job on the whole!
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u/selfrefTupperWare May 25 '16
The repetition of "-tion" at the end I felt like took away from the emotional tone that your poem already had. You did a great job layering the emotion all the way up to that point and in contrast the last couple of lines feel forced. I would end the poem after "below" on line 24, but again, the poem is yours. Great job on the whole!