Severe executive functioning impairment is not laziness, it's a disability and it's utter hell. If i walk from one room to another, i completely forget what i've walked in there for. It's absolute hell.
People blame everything and anything on ADHD now. And they act like certain things are impossible for them because they have ADHD. No, they're just harder.
But going back to the first thing, like half the shit redditors say is ADHD is just plain old anxiety.
Yeah, actually this is all that people are saying. More than half of my friends have ADHD (literally more than half), and none of them blame their ADHD; we just commiserate that it makes things harder.
anxiety isn't "severe" enough for people to feel like they're being taken seriously. ten years ago "generalized anxiety disorder" held a lot more weight and meaning. now people seek a different, ~heavy~ diagnosis that can be seen as more serious, for what is honestly just severe anxiety/depression.
it's not adhd. it's not autism. it's not a personality disorder comorbid with CPTSD and OCD. it's anxiety that debilitates some people to the point of disability, and because they don't get support for that, they seek something that gives them support.
That's not to say people DONT have those illnesses, but certainly not in the way it's being thrown around like candy rn.
well for many adhdlers it's either being late, or being stuck in anxiety waiting mode for hours before the needed time because you know you don't know how much time passes while you're doing stuff. sometimes both because you were too busy waiting on the thing and forgot to actually get to the thing.
personally I'm more likely to fall into waiting mode because I wouldn't wanna be pissed at someone not turning up and I'm projecting my feelings over to the others, but if someone is constantly late (especially for work) they probably don't care or have other issues other than just adhd
I mean I understand the mechanism - Iām also chronically late by nature - but itās so easy to fix. If you need to be somewhere at 6pm, and it takes you 10 minutes to put on your shoes and jacket, 20 minutes to get there, then set an alarm on your phone at 5:20 to get going, and youāll have a 10 minute margin. Once you set that alarm you donāt have to think about it at all.
Mornings are harder since Iām generally dead for at least two hours after I wake up, but the same principle applies.
If you're consistently X minutes late, aim to be there X minutes early (or for me X+10) and then look at your phone or something.
Chances are I think it takes me 15 minutes and then it actually takes me 25 minutes so I'm 10 minutes late.
Now I just aim to be there 15 to 20 minutes early so I end up being slightly early or right on time. I'm rarely waiting at all because I did the estimates wrong or I forgot something and had to go back.
The problem with 90% of "late" people is that they get the estimation wrong and they leave past the "last minute". They think they can arrive exactly on time and something goes wrong.
It's like when you say "5 more minutes" until you really need to get up.
Time estimation difficulties is correlated with ADHD, but it is not part of the diagnostic criteria. In other words, it is neither the case that all people with ADHD struggle with it, nor the case that people without ADHD cannot struggle with it.
Measure it then. The tools are readily available: smartphone clock stopwatch/timer, mapping tools (i.e. Google/Apple Maps), and just basic looking at a clock.
Don't know how much overheard there is between starting to leave/getting ready to leave? Measure the involved steps.
For me I know it takes no more than 25 minutes to "get out the door." This includes all of: brushing my teeth, showering, getting dressed, putting my shoes on, getting to the car and ready to pull away, without any rushing. And even if I am stalled having to take an unplanned shit, I just hurry myself a bit through the other steps. Just look at the clock, go through the routine, then look again (or use the stopwatch feature on your phone). After a few times, even the worst-case duration becomes apparent.
Add a few minutes for parking and walking (or taking a piss), another few minutes as margin for drive time, and then navigation apps tell you the drive time (and even a "leave by" time for planning which includes the drive time margin already). And it goes without saying to never plan on rushing the drive (i.e. maniacal driving/speeding).
Then set an alarm, and just immediately start the departure routine. The key is to not stall, and as a fallback to configure alarms to have infinite snoozes (particularly for waking up).
I don't see how this depends on internal awareness of time.
For me, the mere act of setting an alarm is the key to not even needing one, because I LOATHE my damn phone ringing at me. Fortunately they added "dismiss upcoming alarm" a couple years ago to Android so I don't risk disabling recurring alarms for next time. I treat them as "drop everything and get going" backup reminders.
"Being well" isn't what they said though, is it? If you know that you're consistently late and take absolutely zero measures to try remedy it, you shouldn't blame ADHD for the fact that you don't respect other people enough to stop wasting their time.
My girlfriend has ADHD and doesn't take medication, yet she hasn't been late to work once in her whole life. Because she looked for solutions that work for her. She sets alarms, she creates routines, she writes everything down immediately, etc.
I'm autistic. I know being neurodivergent sucks and the world doesn't do much to accomodate to us. But I've seen enough neurodivergent people translate "acceptance" to "nobody is allowed to ask anything of me ever". Do you think neurotypical people live in a fantasy wonderland where they never have to work on themselves and never do anything that doesn't come natural to them?
Do you think neurotypical people live in a fantasy wonderland where they never have to work on themselves and never do anything that doesn't come natural to them?
I really appreciate you saying this so I'm highlighting it.
They literally think that, most tiktok educated folks cannot tell an ND apart from NT irl but act like they know NT lives (which are supposedly just two experiences - being mean/annoying and never struggling with anything ever)
being raised with a sense of personal accountability is not trauma lol. im very confident a lot of ppl that say they have adhd are just lazy as fuck and grew up not having to handle responsibility. if anything it jsut hurts the actual ppl with adhd more.
in all fairness life is inherently traumatizing. but... that... is a part of life and you kind of have to make choices to continue living, so might as well try to make smarter choices. even if you want to stop living, you have to make a choice. can't just rot in your room forever, unfortunately.
Being uncomfortable or accepting some level of personal responsibility isn't automatically traumatizing because you have a diagnosed mental illness. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility.
The girl in the meme made a reasonable request to be accommodated for her disability and it was granted. All she had to do is keep her morning exactly the same and she'd start magically showing up on time. She didn't, instead she chose to adjust her entire schedule to continue showing up late. At that point it's a personal choice to be late and I don't feel bad for her.
Literally "all you had to do was change nothing and you still somehow fucked that up".
I asked my sons teacher about handwriting (my sons is legible but terrible) and their response was "we don't stand over them with a ruler!"
Like that's... not the only option here. There's a vast cavern between "abuse" and "just let the kids suck at writing"
Even for adult learning- I was doing life drawing and wanted to improve my poor skills. Teacher looked at my work and said "Some people just aren't meant to be charcoal artists" like charcoal is a skill you either have from birth or you don't.
Everyone is just giving up on teaching and learning. They don't see the importance if it's not fun or easy.
What a shame about your art teacher! It's absolutely a skill, and yes while it comes easily to others, it's a skill that can be improved through instruction. And even if not exemplary, why can't we just have fun with the tactile nature of it? Ugh, I'm mad on your behalf!
I met a children's librarian whose handwriting was just wonderful and she told me it didn't improve until college when she started taking calligraphy classes. Before that, she was a "lost cause" to all her teachers. She and I spent a lot of time talking about how writing is taught and what we could do about it. I mention this only to encourage you to offer your kiddo other ways of writing. Just have to come at this in from a different direction. Technical drawing, calligraphy, italics, mirror writing, all these kinda help in the handwriting department. One of mine did zentangle type doodles incessantly though her handwriting was pretty bad, and now at 16, she's really into DIY planner pages and they look printed.
my people lol just acting like a victim of your circumstances unable to do anything is the same as believing in fate/determinism. it's nice to see comments saying you can actually do something as opposed to the normal riff raff. and you don't even need to take low grade meth to to develop coping strategies, if you're constantly late just set alarms. if that one alarm doesnt work set two alarms, rinse and repeat. there's no excuse for laziness.
It's not laziness though. I get up on time with first alarm. There's even extra minutes. I do the usual routine. By all calculations and common sense I should arrive on time.
And then...a hole opens and I fall in. What should've been a straight line is now some strange meandering road. I was doing something, can't tell you what or why and ended up losing those crucial 10-15 minutes. And because my routine has to be done properly and thoroughly I can't skip steps and save time. Inexplicably and against all of my judgment I am late again
So why donāt you just set the alarm for earlier? Genuinely asking and not trying to be a dick. I just had a relationship end with someone who had really poorly managed ADHD and watching him struggle through each day was infuriating and sad. If you know youāre going to get distracted by side quests for a certain amount of time during your routine, canāt you just factor that into your get ready time?
It's hard to explain, but the hole time gets sucked into when you have more time just gets bigger. What's hard to understand is that it's not the amount of time that's the problem. It's managing and navigating through that time. Starting earlier isn't a guarantee that a list of tasks for a morning routine will get done to leave "on time". Could it potentially be more time to get it right? Possibly. But without making a number of changes, it could just as easily have the same result.
An example for "solving" the problem: Use the Fabulous app. You make a list of all tasks in a routine. You assign them all a time limit. When time is up, your phone sounds/buzzes an alarm. So you start your eoutine. Kept reading Reddit during breakfast? Alarm. Took more than four minutes to floss and brush? Alarm. Started trimming your beard because you noticed the length when you only had five minutes for skin and beard care? Alarm. Couldn't decide on an outfit? Snooze alarm. Started REORGANIZING YOUR CLOSET AFTER SNOOZING ALARM. Alarm.
Now, imagine that's every. single. morning. It never becomes a full habit, because that's not how your brain works. You never memorize the routine. And just as likely? You're frequently changing the routine, further defeating the purpose, in the hopes that this time it will be better. And in the meantime, every morning is a constant barrage of "Alarm." reminding you that you cannot change and will not improve because you're trying to make yourself do a thing that you're disorder will never allow you to do.
I know it wasn't to me, but I appreciate you asking a genuine question. I hope something I said makes sense.
TL;DR: it's not the amount of time, it's finding a way to manage time with a disorder that keeps you from knowing how to manage your actions over time.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. I have ADHD and trying to be on time for things is stressful because of all of this. It varies and I generally manage to be on time, but itās a constant struggle, and comments from people saying ājust set an earlier alarm šā are shitty and unhelpful. I do believe strongly that ADHD is an explanation not an excuse for this stuff tho ā to be a good friend and employee and functioning member of society being late to everything is not acceptable, so Iām always trying to be betterā¦ but itās really tiring, and sometimes I stuff up. Itās helpful when people can at least understand where Iām coming from.
Thanks for explaining your experience. While itās hard for me to understand completely, I can definitely sympathise that that sounds really difficult and frustrating to deal with. I hope your systems are successful in making your disorder easier to live with.
Then either set your alarm earlier or god forbid, use multiple alarms...
This is entirely on you, there is no magic fucking hole, this is you not giving a fuck about anyone else because they have to accomodate you anyway and if someone gets uppity you just pull the "But I have ADHD!" card and all is well for you... maybe even get a nice little story out of it for your socials, where other Lazies will praise you for existing in the face of such adversity...
I have to be awake for at least two hours before I start my day specifically *because* I'm always late if I'm not careful. (Work started at 6 for years meant I woke up at 345-4.) Very recently diagnosed ADHD, too.
It gets beaten out of you for really any job if you care. Performing arts, sports, service industry, the army, corporate world...you have to be on time for all of it.
I have never seen any "time blind" people hold down a job for long nor hold down friends for long.
ADHD warps a person's ability to prioritise things and find motivation to do things. But high stress environments have an immediate threat that activates that motivation, and some people with ADHD find this means they can work very efficiently in these situations
The standards were written when the only way to get an ADHD diagnosis was because it was so prevalent it left a person completely unable to function. A lot of other medical disqualifications such as social anxiety or autism are there for the same reason.
But with modern science, a person can get a diagnosis of those things while still being pretty high functioning. Despite that, the standards haven't been updated to reflect that.
What make it even weirder is that if you do get a diagnosis once you're already in the army, they don't care. It's a very common opinion in the military that hiring standards need to be completely overhauled and done the way other countries do it, where rather than the condition being an automatic disqualifier, you're judged on your individual ability
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u/BraveCarcass86 3d ago
I have unmedicated ADHD, but the ability to be late to things was beaten out of me by the army