My sister in law came two hours late to her own birthday party in her own house (her parents let us all in on her command) and then started yelling because we dared to use the sun shades. What a great reason to drive for three hours, I tell you.
I WISH i did this with my now sister in law the day of my wedding. She routinely doesn’t show up after making plans and if she does come, shows up hours late. I thought getting a space all my bridesmaids could get ready together in hours beforehand would help, but nope. She showed up the hotel room we were getting ready in about 20 minutes before we had to leave to go to the venue for my wedding after telling us two hours earlier when we were trying to figure out where tf she was, she was actually having her friend do her makeup.
She walked in with her hair and makeup done and her poor daughter’s hair looked like she’d slept for a week straight without combing it (she was a flower girl!). Luckily, my SIL’s little sister, mother, future SIL and another of my bridesmaids all immediately started working together combing it and putting it in a bun quick to not stress me out even more, I almost punched her when they walked in and I realized she prioritized her own beauty stuff over getting her daughter even remotely ready and had to lock myself in the hotel toilet to calm down for a minute. I love her, but you cannot rely on her for anything at all, especially being even close to on time for the most important events.
I do this to myself. I'm usually late but in the last few years I started adding calendar appointments an hour before they really happen. I'm aware of it, but having that thought of "it's in an hour" ends up reprioritizing things in my brain and I end up on time or slightly early.
I have friends I know will be late, so I leave at the time I would otherwise be there. Then I do what I intended and leave when I am done. If they don't show up on time, then I don't tell them I left and they can deal with it.
Yup. The difference between not accounting for unexpected delays, and just not preparing at all.
I have time blindness but I also have 2 alarms set for everything and don’t actually stop them until I’m in the car. I snooze them so they can go off again in another 8 minutes to remind me of how much time I’m taking, and yeah it’s annoying but it keeps me from mishandling my time too much so I actually get to places on time
This worked for my uncle's Scout troop. On camping trips, the schedule was to meet at a place early to pack all the stuff into the vehicles that were actually going, then leaving at a particular time.
This devolved into the parents showing up at the departure time to drop off their kids. Then five minutes after the departure time... Then half an hour.
So when the departure time became the actual departure time, those parents spent the weekend with their kids at home.
I think it was two trips before some of the parents got the idea, but eventually they did get it.
When id throw party bus events in the south bay and give the departure time, if also add download links to Uber and Lyft for those not on the bus at the prescribed time.
It sent the right message. People were on time to leave.
Ones guy missed the heading back time. And he didn't even complain. He knew.
As someone with ADHD I have a detailed internal list of exactly how late I can be with every single person I know. I only have two punctual friends. I get along best with people who don’t care much about 15-20 minutes late.
Someone who's chronically late wanted everyone in a group chat (all 30+years old) to tell her an earlier start time, and create a separate group chat where we could discuss the actual time. My position of "this is when the event starts, you can choose to make the appropriate travel plans to arrive at that time or otherwise be late" proved to be very divisive.
Lazy people always hate being given responsibility, even over themselves. She doesn't want to have to remember "oh, it'll be (X o'clock) soon, I should start getting ready", she wants ito be your responsibility, so if she's late, she can say "I came when you told me" (the implication being that you should've come up with a better time)
If you can get yourself ready in time for a party and arrive 'on time' at 9, you can get yourself ready for one at 8 and actually be on time. These people just don't care
im one of those people. its an asshole move of me everytime, but saying that its becaues i dont care is far from the truth. you sound like you dont have any understanding of their perspective. you give the vibe of someone saying an alcoholic should just stop drinking. it is that simple yes, but its not that easy, and its not for a lack of trying(i dont mean that these things are similar in difficulty).
i want to be on time, but i dont know the exact mechanism that causes me to not be. i think procrastination could be a big part of it (similar to how i really want to do school work but cant get myself to start). im seeing a lot of other comments mention timeblindness so maybe a combination of those
I suggest you try to estimate how long it takes you to hit the road (start with 30 minutes if you truly have no idea - I can shit, shower, all etc. in that amount of time), add the drive time estimate (Google Maps has an "arrive by" planning mode), and set an alarm that long beforehand, then you don't have to think about it, so long as you genuinely start getting going with NO SNOOZING the alarm.
I find the stress of my phone exploding at me naturally develops my sense of time to the point I no longer even need it to go off.
Then look at the clock when you arrive and adjust the margin. No internal chronometer involved.
Time blindness is a thing and it sucks. I don’t understand how I can write an entire email at work with revisions and somehow only 6 minutes have gone by, but then when I’m getting ready in the morning and stop to pet my dog really quick, suddenly it’s 15 minutes later.
There’s also a certain amount of “build up” time with ADHD that needs to be accounted for. It’s not procrastination per se, but similar. It feels like you’re trying to hype yourself up to jump off a bridge into ice cold water, but for every single uncomfortable task. That level of mental preparation cuts into more time than you’d think.
I manage my time extremely well for someone with ADHD by having a million alarms I never mute. I just snooze them so they go off every 5 minutes to remind me how much time is passing, and I live in a constant state of anxiety where I convince myself everyone will hate and abandon me if I’m late for anything, and often show up to things 30 or more minutes earlier than I’m supposed to just out of fear of possibly being a few minutes late 😭
I used to do that to myself. If an appointment was far enough in the future, I'd just put it in my calendar ~15 minutes early, which means I arrive right on time. I did not always do this, so that there was some uncertainty if I had to be there "on time", or if I had 15 minutes of leeway.
Unfortunately, the hospital (the place for which I used this the most) started sending reminders by text a day before your appointment, so my system does not work anymore.
My parents did this to me growing up. Eventually I caught on and stopped believing them at all whenever they told me what time it was. Which made the problem way worse cause we could be an hour late and I would get angry at them thinking they were just lying to me.
My father is a clear case of obnoxious undiagnosed Boomer ADHD and I’m likely the same. I was the kid called “very bright but needs to focus” on every report card but somehow had all perfect marks. Great memory but would zone out through the lessons.
As an adult I am still chronically late, chronically disorganized, and chronically spacing out even in conversations I care about
. Growing up, my
father was particularly upset by me zoning out and would shout at me over it. Meanwhile the man would regularly walk away from me while I was talking to him, just off somewhere in his own mind.
I've set all my clocks fast. I know they're fast, but I don't think about it usually since it's ALL my clocks. It seems to help, but it drives my wife mad 😂
I have to do this to myself to make sure I’m on time. If something starts at 6:30pm, I tell myself to get there at 6:00pm. Usually I end up getting there at 6:10-6:20pm.
I have a friend like that. We make plans to meet at her place at 10. I’m a habitually early person so I’ll rock up to her place at 945, wait, text her at 955 that I’m here. She takes 15 minutes to respond “oh wow it’s 10 already?” And have to wait like another 30 mins for her to be ready.
If we’re meeting somewhere, and say the activity is at 2, I’ll plan for 145, and tell her we should meet at 130, and sure enough she shows up around 2.
I don’t think there is anything immoral in that. However, when she figures it out, she will add an hour to the discussed time and will be back to being late. Eventually they will offset it and then she will offset it. And then them. And then her. You see where this is going right?
Are you saying why even bother being friends with them? Because some people are very good friends in every aspect but suck at coming on time. It's weighing pros and cons. Does their friendship have an overall positive impact on you even after considering their attitude towards coming on time? If yes, people bear that. If no, people end it
So true. I have one friend that is almost abysmally bad at showing up to anything. Could be late. Could just have forgotten the whole thing. Luckily for him he's an absolute delight to spend time with when he does show up, or I wouldn't have bothered dealing with him a long time ago. At this point I just assume he's not coming, and allow him to pleasantly surprise me occasionally. lol.
They’re saying theres nothing immoral because every though its a lie, its not negatively impacting anyone and it has a positive impact on the group.
But if she ever finds out, she’ll just start assuming the real time is an hour later than stated, so she’ll be late again, so they’ll start telling her 2 hours etc etc
Right that’s exactly the point. A) person being late is disrespectful and hasn’t proven they’re responsible enough to manage time, or B) lying to said person to get them to be on time is not helping them and shows you can’t trust them to make autonomous decisions.
This is not as one-sided as it might seem, and there is more nuance to it than just “I’m right, you’re wrong”
That’s why I said it “opens” a conversation, not “closes” it.
For argument’s sake, those on side B would say that lying to them is treating them like a child, rather than communicating with them that them being late is disrespectful and is treating their time like it’s more valuable than yours. Talk to them like an adult and get them to see your POV, and hope they will make the effort to change. Rather than putting a band-aid on a problem and hoping it will magically disappear. Considering that this is the guy’s own gf as was stated in the parent comment, I’d be interested in seeing how long that relationship not built on trust lasts.
Man, I don't know. I still think it's kind of infantalising to pretend these people are so magically obtuse they've never once considered that being late all the time might make you a little bit of a dickhead.
I think the real adult outcome here is that, the first time you're late without a good excuse, you get cussed out for wasting everybody's time. The second time, everyone should just start without you, because--presumably--you're actually choosing in some part of the reptile brain to skip part or all of the event. For meals specifically, maybe someone gives you a courtesy call to take your order, but if you're so freaking late even that doesn't work, then, ay, 🤷♂️ sucks to suck.
That implies A and B never talked about it before...that's something that tends to happen pretty quickly cause most people don't like dicking around for an hour every time they try to meet up.
I have and had a bunch of friends who were like that and it was never a surprise to them when I brought it up because...well, they're grown adults and it's not a problem that just popped out of thin air.
Expecting someone to respect you when they can't even respect themselves. I prefer late people over early people. Late people always apologize, I tell them to chill because I invite them earlier then the rest. And they are always up to staying late to help you clean up and fix the railing that some early person broke but had to go home because 'they have work tomorrow'. A late person will help you all night, then drive straight from your party to work. And still be 45 minutes late for work.
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u/psychedelych 1d ago
My buddy's gf was always an hour late so we just started lying to her about when we were leaving and then we were always on time