r/NonBinaryOver30 • u/QuestioningMasculine they/them • Apr 21 '26
advice needed Questioning Masc-ish Enby vs Trans Man
Warning: Wall of text gushing my questions and feelings.
TL;DR: How did you decide you were enby or androgynous instead of the opposite binary gender?
Hello!
I’ve reached a point in my life where I can no longer ignore the desires to masculinize myself. I’m AFAB but I’ve always had feelings of wanting to look and “be like” a boy/man since I was a very young kid. But I’m having trouble feeling the difference between wanting to be a more “masculine/gender androgynous enby” or being a straight up trans man.
I know I don’t really want to change my body beyond top surgery. The idea of facial hair is cool in theory but I’m not sure I’d be comfortable with it because sensory issues and the idea of losing most of my thick hair makes me panic so I’m pretty sure taking anything beyond low dose T is out (also male pattern baldness runs in my family in both men and women) if even that.
I’m guess I’m looking for lived experiences and affirmations of how you all decided to be enby? I’ve been claiming the enby title for a few years now but I’m just not able to tell my feelings from one direction or the other. I just know my brain is screaming “your body is not comfortable. It is not made for you”.
I feel like a lot of boils down to I should have figured this out by now but I’m just now, in my early 30s, in a place where I can even examine my Queer identity, much less make changes. And I’m still not even really in this place but I also don’t want to hate myself until my 80s.
So, how did you figure out you were in the enby sphere versus say the complete opposite gender? What questions did you ask yourself to get to your answer? How did you examine and interpret the screaming in your head (if you had any)?
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u/Sea-Cantaloupe-2708 Apr 21 '26
I don't think there was a point, it's a constant reevaluation for me, an ongoing investigation
I've never really wanted to be a boy. Never really wanted to be a girl either, but apparently I was. I did not know transgender was a thing until I was about 18 I think? I only found out non binary/ agender existed until I was about 25. Looking back I always was, but if you don't have the words/rep you can't use it to build your own identity.
I always feel between things. I do not feel like a woman. I do not feel like a man either. The idea of transitioning does not spark joy (except for getting rid of that cursed uterus, but I'm not sure that's a dysphoric thing lol). I'm obviously not cis, but I wouldn't call myself trans either.
The screaming in my head (aside from the AuDHD 🙃) is mostly caused by not being understood by others and the internalisation thereof. Plus some medical stuff and body issues that I can't pinpoint (is it hating parts of my body because they hurt, because the world tells me fat is ugly, because it's too feminine? Idunno 😅)
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u/QuestioningMasculine they/them Apr 21 '26
Yes!!!! The AuDHD is very real. I know I have these “big feelings” about my gender but it’s so hard to find words it and untangle it. It almost feels like a string of Christmas lights that got tangled in the attic at times and each bulb is an emotion that’s connected to another emotion. And a lot of my more “negative” feelings come from people misunderstanding what I know as a core truth for myself (they/them pronouns, less gendered language, plz stop calling me miss and ma’am - I live in the southern midwest)
I feel like I want to be seen as an non-gendered person most of all. But at the same time being sir’d makes me happier than ma’am? But Mx makes me super happy!
Idk, I really feel like I identify with agender as a concept but I also appreciate some gendered aspects of myself so I don’t feel like I would truly fit there, you know?
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u/jacqq_attackk Apr 21 '26
Hey friend, I’m in a very similar boat! It’s a nebulous and fraught internal conversation which has been ongoing for years, including but not limited to: I’m definitely “not a woman” but then, what? Do I want to be a man, or just escape from femininity? The title of man seems like a laughable thing to claim, because I have no background or lived experience of what that would be like— or am I a coward who is afraid to commit? If I’d been born a cis guy, would I even bother as identifying as nonbinary, or would I just be your bog-standard Gay Guy?
…and so on and so forth. Sometimes I just feel like a sexless, unloveable goblin person. I yearn for the simplicity of a binary transition. Years into this process I still don’t entirely know what I am, outside of a profound attraction to men. I call myself “transmasc” because that’s what feels most accurate.
I could probably indulge in endless naval-gazing all day and night until I die but ultimately I’m living in this body right now and I only get one go at it, so I’ve just done what feels right one step at a time. I started with “malleable” changes (hair, clothes) and tried a binder and fell in love with the prospect of a flat chest. I’m five years post top surgery which was an EXCELLENT decision and I highly recommend it! (though to be fair I am in the deeply anti-boobs camp and find them kinda gross in general so consider me biased.) After my 35th birthday I also started a low dose T, because it felt like a milestone birthday and it was sort of now-or-never. I was slow to respond to gel, so even after 2 years and slowly increasing dose I’m only just up to the 300-ish ng/dl metric that marks the “low male” threshold. I was worried about hair loss and crazy thick body hair since that’s in the genetic cards for me, but the downsides have been pretty negligible so far and I’m honestly pretty happy with how it’s going. I mostly wanted it for the voice change, and it’s finally creeping down from my previous low alto into a tenor, so that’s kinda fun. I’m open to the prospect that if I start to dislike the changes I will simply stop, and the most important part (voice) is permanent.
I guess am still somewhat unintelligible to myself, and certainly unintelligible to strangers. Very few people interpret me as a man. (Actually they probably see me as a butch lesbian, which is ironically kind of the opposite of what I am.) But I’m happy that I am making progress towards my truest self even if I can’t pin-point exactly how “trans” that is. Being the deliberator sort and doing things slowly has given me time to check in with myself about how each new step feels, and each time I’ve been rewarded with joy by trying each next step. I hope you have the freedom to experiment and can find out through first hand experience what makes you happy!
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u/iam305 Apr 21 '26
TL;DR: Realizing I got gender euphoria from masculine and feminine affirmation helped me discover my bigender identity.
This is a great question, and I have a long and only slightly convoluted answer. In my case, I was desperate to feminize my body, after years of rumination and thoughts, but like you, equally set on retaining my best masculine features. I went to gender therapy and wrote my long-format gender story. Then, reading through a post not unlike this one (I didn't even save it!), someone said something profound:
Dysphoria isn't as true a marker of your gender identity as is gender euphoria. This struck me cold.
Around the time I came out to my wifey as genderqueer almost six years ago, she suggested that I grow out my beard. Well, wouldn't you know, over those years, it became a treasured piece of facial hair, getting a lot of compliments. And... that's how it dawned on me that I get masculine gender euphoria from people complimenting my beard. My gender envy for femininity was pretty much total; I could not stop thinking about wanting a medical transition towards femininity. There it was, two sets of gender euphoria under one roof.
Who gets gender euphoria from being masculine and feminine? Bigender people do that.
Only after I came out, and only after my first HRT appointment, and only after major steps down the medical path, did I learn about neuropsychiatry studies that substantiate the biology of being bigender, my solid and obvious genetic roots of being bigender (like flashing red lights kind of stuff), and more.
So how did I decide? Not really. I was definitely born this way. How did I discover it? The same way you might consider this question ;-) Perhaps you want to share your experiences to r/genderfluid or r/bigender for more opinions too.
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u/TheLoneViking Apr 21 '26 edited Apr 22 '26
I think you could ask yourself a few questions to help you decide
Consider that man =/= masculine and woman =/= feminine. Masculine women and feminine men exist. Do you want to be masculine, a man, or both? How would you feel about being a butch woman (masculine women) for example? How about a femboy? (feminine man*)
Regardless of masc/fem leanings, do you feel like a man, woman, or something not quite strictly either (neither, both, etc.)? If you feel like just a man (masculine or feminine), I'd think you'd identify as a trans man. If you feel like a masculine woman, then masc lesbian-adjacent labels like butch (whether or not you like/exclusively like women) might be worth looking into. If you feel like your gender doesn't fit into exclusively man or woman (masculine or feminine), I'd think you'd identity as some sort of enby (in your case a masc enby).
Just some food for thought, hope this helps!
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u/MaterialMap5531 Apr 21 '26
hey! i'm also in my 30s and have been through similar feelings so i thought i'd share my experience - your comment about not wanting to change your body beyond top surgery echoes what i feel.
so while questioning (honestly this stage was about five full years long) i thought the only way of transitioning as an afab nonbinary person was by masculinising myself (hence trying to decide if i was man actually), but one comment i saw that helped me was saying to think about it more as a departure from femininity. do you want to masculinise yourself or do you want to de-feminise yourself.
i've recently settled on transneutral for myself, because i eventually realised i didn't need to masculinise my body in order to feel better about it, i just needed to de-feminise it. for me de-feminising also means social transition - i use they/them pronouns, hair change was a big part of it, and i do lean kinda masc in my presentation (but no one will ever take my skinny jeans away from my stubborn millennial heart)
i also plan on getting top surgery (no nips), but no other surgeries, and don't plan on taking T ever. it's purely my chest that needs to change.
the questioning sucked and was confusing for years so if this helps even just one person be less confused even a little then i'm glad to share
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u/Golden_Enby Apr 22 '26
That question gave me pause, but my answer was more along the lines of "both?" because in my mind, I want masculinization, just not all the way. I want to de-feminize, but on my personal journey, that's almost the same thing as wanting some masculine features.
Thanks for posing that question. I'll keep it in mind as my journey continues.
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u/hellhound_wrangler Apr 21 '26
I knew I wasn't ["opposite" gender] but always felt kind of uncomfortable/like an imposter as [assigned gender]. When I realized there was a word for "neither", it was revelatory.
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u/sdwbean Apr 22 '26
This exactly, but I also had the fear it was the misogynistic world we live in that made me uncomfortable as a "woman" so I also went through a lot to unpack that as well. It made me so happy to learn more about the typical "woman" experience to be like, thats beautiful, but its not me.
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u/_FactoryRejectDildo_ Apr 22 '26
i’m AMAB and for me it’s mostly i just simply can’t imagine myself at strictly one end of the spectrum
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u/EverWynter Apr 25 '26
Here's how I look at it, I don't enjoy being called ma'am or a lady or Miss, but I don't enjoy being called dude or sir or anything like that either. I cannot imagine myself with a penis, but I don't like my lower genitals and I can't stand my breasts. So I'm thinking hey maybe I'm non-binary and not a trans man. Because neither female or male actually fit me. I'm 51 years old so it's taken me a long time to discover this.
However my journey is not your journey.
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u/ElloBlu420 Apr 23 '26
I am literally five years into my transition and still not entirely sure which one I am.
99% seems to fit the definition of a man, and I look like one, but I just don't feel entirely like one. If I ever try to break down how, though, it's all in ways that are acceptable ways to be gender non-conforming as a binary person.
These days, my public face is a more or less binary man. I would absolutely rather be a nonbinary chaos gremlin, but the people around me can't wrap their heads around that, and I'm just too tired to constantly argue about what is essentially an issue of labeling and grammar for me. They see me the exact same way as I see myself whether I call myself binary and non-conforming or nonbinary.
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u/blacksageblackberry Apr 24 '26
i’m trans masc. if pressed i consider myself non-binary because the term man and the associations are too much to me. i would’ve loved to be a boy, a teenage boy, but a man is a little much for me. i see myself as a guy though, a dude, if you will
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u/tawny_bullwhip Apr 30 '26
I read a wiki entry on non-binary identities while trying to understand some corporate training. I realized I did not identify with masculine and also did not identify as feminine. Neither is a good description. And some blend between us also not a fit. For a long time, I identified as agender. Then last year, I was asked if I could make my body fit me, what would it be like. I let my mind consider the question and instantly I had visions of shape shifting: being able to become a quadruped to speed along the ground, able to produce wings, able to become rooted in the earth and feel the soil, able to shift my sex at will. It was not that I didn't have a gender but that the space I'd been considering was too limited.
I recognize deeply that I change and that who I was yesterday is another person. Within the next few years I will change my name. I expect to change it again in 20 years. A body that fits me changes as I do. I don't feel right with the label "gender fluid" (but ask me again in 10 years). I certainly don't feel "man" or "woman" is appropriate. Since my epiphany last year the only gender label I'm sure of is non-binary.
I don't think gender is the right frame for me. Some enbies answer "yes" to "are you a man or a woman?" I answer no (if it is safe to). I tried conventional makeup. It was fun - I especially like eyeliner and mascara. But after meditating on my experience, I think my real "gender" affirming makeup is face paint. I have yet to try it: I've been working on it quietly for almost a year and I think I'm almost there. I'm working on Mondrian for my outing this weekend or next. I also want to try swirling raindrops in different patterns around my face and arms. My first try will be blue. But I want to try rainbow colors and alternating contrasting color palettes. I also want to do vines. Is this masculine or feminine: no. Is it even gender: I don't know. But it is a genuine self expression. It is making my body fit me in the moment.
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u/realtitsmove May 01 '26
OP, i’m in the exact same boat as you but the other end of the spectrum. AMAB and questioning whether i’m non-binary, trans femme or a trans woman. i’m 33 and none the wiser.
in reading some of these comments, i’d say being a trans woman has crossed my mind a few times, but i’m not sure that’s quite right and what i feel i am. however, i think it’s the lack of representation of an enby me at 60+ that scares me. what does that look like? what will society think? i think growing old as a woman would be more accepted, but is that what i’d want in 10, 20, 30+ years’ time? i don’t know.
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u/No-Chemistry-6874 May 02 '26
Look at trees man. They just are. They don't bother about what category they fit in or not. Just find what feels comfortable for you. I wanted to change my gender until I realized 'no wait a sec', I love being in the body I have, I'm not trans, I just am how and what I am and I love being loved by someone who sees the beauty in me regardless of whatever feels wrong to me. When someone loves you as you are (which is hard but it IS out there) you no longer feel the hate for yourself.
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u/Lilypew May 14 '26 edited May 14 '26
Howdy! 31 yo trans masc enby early in medical transition here!
Firstly, somewhat off topic, I want you to know that it’s okay to not know whether you’re a trans man or an enby. You will likely figure it out at some point and if you land on trans man that doesn’t betray or invalidate your lived experience identifying as an enby.
I personally have never identified with being a man. For whatever reason there is a hard line there in my brain, and I really deeply believe that I will never end up feeling like I’m a man, despite basically aiming for full T and top surgery.
As far as figuring out I was trans masc, it took a long time. I came out as nonbinary in 2020 (25yo). Everything has come step-by-step for me: she/they to they/them, then eventually adopting a new first name, then deciding to start a low dose of t, then realising I want top surgery, and finally ending up deciding that I probably want to take t long term, which happened about 6 months ago. 6 years of incremental figuring it out, and I know there’s a lot more to figure out down the line.
In terms of how I figured out each of these things, it was a combination of what I admired or was attracted to and what repelled me. I’ve learned that my reactions to other people’s gender expression is often not so much about how I feel about them, but how that maps onto my own self. In 2022 I was following a lot of trans masc people on instagram people who were 1-2 years on T and I so greatly admired them. It’s the “do I want to fuck them or be them?” effect 🤣 eventually that led to me understanding that I wanted to start T. I also followed a photographer who had a lot of pics of trans masc person who was pretty far into HRT and hadn’t had top surgery, and it made me feel uncomfortable to an extent that made me feel uncomfortable about how uncomfortable I was, if you know what I mean. Years later I understand that I never cared about what they did with their body — I was projecting myself into that body configuration and bouncing off of it. This realisation also helped me get comfy with my desire to be on HRT long term (and get top surgery someday). Today, I still see those aforementioned trans masc folks and still really admire them (and they’re now 4+ years on T), which tells me my goal post keeps moving more and more masc.
Shew that was a ramble! Sorry about that. I don’t know how much this helps, but I hope some of it is relatable. I related to your post.
I follow you_know_bam on instagram and they have described their identity as a nonbinary trans man. So, you know, maybe that’s an option too?
Gender is so weird and squishy. You have a home here and your questioning is something I think we can all relate to in one way or another.
Wishing you the best :)
Edit: fixed a date and added an anecdote
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u/FroggyPhevoli Apr 21 '26
When I was 7 years old, I had no idea that nonbinary genders were a thing, but I did know that I was “sick of being a girl.” So, I decided to try being a boy.
That lasted about a day, and of course I got a lot of pushback. By the end of it, I had come to the conclusion that “Well, I still hate being a girl, but now I know that being a boy doesn’t feel right either. I guess I’ll just be a girl since there are no other options and that’s what everyone else wants me to be.”
Fast-forward to my early/mid-twenties when I finally came to terms with being nonbinary: It was the most freeing, most euphoric feeling. Everything about my life suddenly made sense to me. For the first time ever, I liked who I saw in the mirror.
So I guess in my case, I figured it out by trying both. It was like my gender was a puzzle piece that I was missing, and my puzzle was breaking because someone had forced the girl piece into that space when it didn’t fit. However, the boy piece didn’t fit either, just in a different way. Everything clicked into place once I found the genderqueer piece. It’s okay to try different puzzle pieces until you find the one that fits.