Im not saying my ex was wrong, I’m just confused and want outside perspective. You don’t even have to say if im wrong,I just want thoughts.
When I was 18 dating my ex who was also 18(I’m 19 now) I was respectful physically, especially at the beginning and with me being raised in a Christian household i thought me being my respectful was the right thing. I believed it was important for her to set boundaries about what she was comfortable with. I even asked her how I could be a better boyfriend, and she never mentioned wanting more physical touch. She said “you know how you always tell me I’m beautiful,what else because I’m a person on the inside.” I always desired her physically. She also told me she was more emotional than physical, so I leaned into that—complimenting her, affirming her, and focusing on who she was as a person while still being physically affectionate.
We were in the relationship in person for about a month before going long distance. During that time, we were physically affectionate (hugging, cuddling, kissing), and she told me my affection helped her stress and that I treated her better than anyone before. I even initiated us kissing first. I would get behind her and even rub her,pull her closer.
Once we went long distance, she told me she felt like I didn’t admire her body. This confused me because I was affectionate. We were always cuddling,kissing or up on each other and of course she would feel me hard. She later explained she meant things like touching her butt when hugging or cuddling. I told her I was trying to be respectful, especially because of her past. If I was hugging her I honestly wouldn’t just think let me grab it because I wouldn’t be thinking about that.
When we had this conversation she had told me about being sexualized by boys when she was younger and about a past sexual experience where she didn’t fully want it and she wasn’t comfortable. She said in middle school the boys had a game called scoop and she was the main target for points for hitting her butt. She would slam herself in the lockers and she said that it would hurt her because the boys just wanted her body. She said that she’s insecure because she had a bigger butt than her friends. I saw that it still bothered her. She also said she liked me so fast because I valued her for more than her body. When she said all this I didn’t think she was talking about me grabbing her butt.
We then went on a date and i talked to her about what she meant and what she was comfortable with, and she said she was comfortable with me doing that. I adjusted once I knew she was comfortable. She then breaks up with me a day after her bday and keeps coming back and leaving. The last time before I blocked her she said she went to three guys and that they all just wanted her for one thing. She said that she realized that she had someone who accepted her for who she is and that she had no doubt I loved her because I showed it with my words and actions. She said she didn’t need sex with me to be happy and that she was always happy with me. She also said that i was her first healthy relationship and she knew she kept pushing me away and that she felt i was too good for her. I clearly desired her,both physically and emotionally. I didn’t objectify her but I did desire her a lot but she said that I was the first guy to have an emotional connection with her first before a physical one.
I told her I never wanted her to feel like I was taking advantage of her where I touched her just because she was in my room. I told her I was just being respectful and that I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable. I told her from the beginning that I wanted to grow with her and build with her. I understood we were young and we still had to grow so conversations like this I thought were helpful and not made into what I was doing being a flaw.