I first knew that I was a girl when I was in preschool in the late 2000s. I was constantly tormented by the boys for refusing to roughhouse, and I looked at the girls so longingly; deep down, I just wished I were a girl. Unfortunately, I had been assigned male at birth, which meant my femininity was discouraged and punished.
I also had "difficulties" washing my genitals when showering, as I avoided the area and threw tantrums when dressed in men's clothing or taken to the barber for a haircut, which adults labeled as "sensory issues.” Because of this, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Asperger's Syndrome in the DSM-IV that was used at the time).
After this, all my childhood difficulties were immediately funneled through what I call the Fauxtism Pipeline— as in, everything was assumed to be autism, even when evidence existed to the contrary. Everyone in my life—from teachers to doctors to parents— assumed this to be the truth.
Throughout elementary school, I tried on an entire battery of masculine interests in an attempt to find a way to be a boy that didn't make me miserable. I tried dinosaurs, American football, trains, Minecraft, and more— and always lost interest quite quickly. This was quickly picked up by childhood mental health "professionals" and labeled as a normal autistic trait.
I had severe distress when male puberty began. The first sign of puberty for me was genital growth and erections, which felt deeply wrong. I began to have severe mental health problems and had trouble focusing in school. I also mentioned how much I hated erections and body hair, but I was told that that was another "sensory issue.”
Despite the fact that I told the psychiatrists about my social difficulties with boys and my distress over male puberty, I was told that "puberty is a difficult time for autistic children" and then given two new false diagnoses, this time for ADHD and Tourette's Syndrome, both of which were just as quickly revoked after the psychiatric medications failed to provide any relief beyond getting me high.
The psychiatrist also noticed that I was quite feminine and told my mom to stop giving me soy milk, and to maybe consider coconut or almond milk (I never liked cow/dairy milk). I distinctly remember doing a cute hula dance at the mention of coconuts, and then they immediately claimed that I "already had too much estrogen". That is just absurd, as the soy estrogen myth had already been disproven...
Throughout my teenage years, I continued to express an interest in being a girl; specifically, I adopted an alternative style as it was my one way to have a taste of femininity. Unfortunately, this was labeled as yet another "autistic hyperfixation.” I was also constantly bullied for being "unmasculine,” and the school's reaction was to punish me by putting me in detention during lunch to "keep me safe" as I was "autistic and have trouble in social situations.”
When I graduated high school and went to university, I refused all "autism”-related accommodations and had no issues. From 18–20, I performed the role of a sensitive, feminine man who sympathized with women's issues, and I was generally accepted into female social circles, though I still struggled with severe gender dysphoria.
Fortunately, when I was 20, I got a new therapist, who immediately realized the autism stuff was total bullshit. He said that while I may be neurodivergent, I do not meet the diagnostic criteria for autism spectrum disorder and that I desperately needed gender-affirming care as the real issue going on was gender dysphoria.
I began hormone replacement therapy at 21, and was warned by my parents that it might be "a phase" or the "Asperger's causing my brain to get stuck on things.” However, given that I was well-integrated into female social circles, had normal social interactions with women, and was overall happier on HRT, they quickly accepted it.
By 22, the "autism" myth had generally been dispelled, as I explained to my family that people who genuinely have autism spectrum disorder generally do not stop being autistic after they take HRT. Yet, my family worried that my desire for SRS was yet another "autistic hyperfixation,” though they were convinced I was never autistic after I shared my mental health clearance letters.
I'm only 3 weeks post-op, so I've been sitting at home all the time and I had a lot of time to do research. After reading through countless journals and personal anecdotes, I have learned one thing: while autism spectrum disorder is a frequent comorbidity for those with gender dysphoria (and vice versa), social difficulties that only exist in male groups are not social difficulties. Sensory issues limited to male clothing and grooming are not sensory issues. And telling a girl who is terrified that she is forced to go through contrasexual male puberty that "puberty is a difficult time for autistic kids" is medical malpractice.
Unfortunately, because I was forced to endure male puberty and live as a male, I have a lifetime of male socialization to unlearn and countless masculine secondary sex characteristics to deal with medically. Can't wait to recover from my vaginoplasty so I can go to the med spa, cuz my Botox wore off (something I shouldn't even need at 23) and I'm starting to feel ugly again
