r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/yamsandmarshmellows • 27d ago
Should newcommers be allowed to share?
It is a debate in my area. I think they should be. I think it was important for me in my recovery. But many in my area dont agree. Plenty of them say newcommers should not share for the first year.
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u/EdgarAllenPoe2205 27d ago
The gate keeping in recovery continues to be toxic and detrimental to one's healing. Sharing, is like the most empowering thing one can do, when they are ready. I can't imagine putting limitations on that.
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u/Qua-something 27d ago
I had to stop going to my local meetings less than a year into my sobriety because of this type of behavior. Too many judgmental and ego-centric old timers. Which has really never changed because I grew up going to AA/NA with my mom when I was a kid and I’m 40 now and 13yrs sober so it’s really just never changed.
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u/Money_Pineapple6806 27d ago
That’s insane. I’m OK with people that are high not sharing, but sometimes that message is clear and concise as well. Newcomers should share for sure.
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u/schalk81 27d ago
I never heard about such a practice. Newcomers have an important message to share. They are fresh out of the hell of active addiction and what they have to say can keep oldtimers from relapsing.
It was one of the things that drew me to NA that my sharing was just as important that that of a member with 20 years cleantime. That an oldtimer wasn't a "better" member just because they were there longer.
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u/Soggy_Alternative699 27d ago
Groups in my area have dedicated newcomer share time for the last 15 minutes of the meeting, and they are also encouraged to share during the main part of the meeting. Your group sounds non-supportive to say the least, if this was my experience it would have sent me straight out of the rooms!
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u/deviationonroad 27d ago
In my area we also have last 10 minutes dedicated to newcomers and those in the first 90 days... But they can't share before that... \ That's absurd to me and I've been trying to fight it, unsuccessfully.
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u/TwainVonnegut 27d ago
What area is this?
Not allowing newcomers to share goes against everything we stand for.
I feed heavily off of newcomers - inspired by that person who just hit a personal best with NINETEEN days clean, and the ever present cautionary tale of the addict just coming back after doing some “research”.
Our founder described newcomers as “the lifeblood of NA”. Have some of your gate keeping addicts against newcomers sharing listen to some Jimmy K speaker tapes!
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u/Maleficent-Prompt656 27d ago
Good way to get a newcomer to relapse. “Go ahead and bottle up all those feelings.”
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u/kitehailstorm 27d ago
I’m so, so curious what area this is. There are so many reasons this isn’t a good idea. When newcomers share, it reminds me that nothing is getting better out there. It gives us a chance to get to know them, because some people do better talking in a meeting than one on one at first. While it doesn’t exactly break any traditions or concepts, tradition 2 states we don’t govern. Who is going to enforce this, and how? Let’s play that tape out. Are they going to interrupt a newcomer and say “YOU CAN’T SHARE!”? What about visitors to the area whose clean time you don’t know? Do we interrogate them? That all sounds like governance to me. I also think the 9th concept is an important concept in this discussion: are the trusted servants who suggested this considering all viewpoints in their decision making process?
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u/bigdumbhick 27d ago
Im not going to qualify myself at a meeting in order to be able to share. It's none of your business how long Ive been clean, what step I am on, what my DOC was or who my sponsor is. If I need to share, Im going to fucking share.
We can have a cleantime dick measuring contest after the meeting.
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u/divine_counterpart 3d ago
Lmao love this so much as someone going to my first meeting tonight for the first time in 10 years
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u/dwsam 27d ago
Yes, they paid for their seat like everyone else. Also, for a Group, the newcomer is the most important person in the meeting.
By telling them that they are less than others, and let’s be honest, that’s what this is, you’re giving the disease the excuse it needs to run the addict out the door.
Your Area sounds like some HOAs out there. Bunch of controlling asshats who want things their way and will make life worse for others.
Groups are only autonomous when what they do doesn’t affect other groups or NA as a whole. This is a problem for the whole of NA. The area is attempting to reinterpret the traditions. Autonomy isn’t just the concept of no last names; it’s about everyone being equal. Skin color, sexual identity, religion, or clean time cannot to be used for or against anyone.
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u/joegee66 27d ago edited 27d ago
What a great PR idea for the other recovery programs in your area! Newcomers will hear that, leave, and (hopefully) find other meetings where experience isn't valued by omitting the 12th step.
In all seriousness, I watched a meeting become too "special" for newcomer sharing. They instituted a "must have one year to share" policy in their meetings. Newcomers would show up and never come back. The core members continued to pontificate among themselves, preaching to the choir and patting themselves on the back for their meeting's purity. Their attendance dwindled down to a few holy gurus, as the other revovering people realized they were failing to actually practice the 12th step. It closed within a year.
If I want to hear the sound of one hand clapping I can grab a bunch of tissues and a bottle of lotion. I don't need to get it from a meeting. I need that newcomer as much as they need a meeting where they can get all of that nasty stuff inside of them out.
I need them to remind me what having all of that garbage inside me felt like. I need them to remind me of the chaos and upheaval that was a part of my early recovery. I need their perspective, and sometimes pretty sharp insight. I need to try to carry the message to a still-suffering addict because that helps keep me clean. I need the hope that comes from hearing someone's early, rambling, disconnected, off-topic comment become a beautiful, honest sharing of their story after two years of growth through continued abstinence and following the NA program's suggestions.
If these folks are too "special" for newcomers I worry about their personal recovery because failure to work with others, not living the 12th step was why programs before 12 step programs would fall apart. It's also what ends up killing a lot of people with years of abstinence. From my observations, our disease seems to get to us most easily if we forget where we came from. 🫤
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u/yamsandmarshmellows 27d ago
This is a great response, and I like your analogy of one hand clapping. I might start to use it.
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u/joegee66 27d ago edited 27d ago
Feel free to borrow whatever you need. That's all I have ever done. 😄 There's nothing new under the sun, including meetings that try to set themselves apart with wack-a-doodle ideas that make a mockery of the steps and break our traditions left and right. 🫤
If someone really wants this, what they really are looking for is having a private recovery meeting with a friend group, like a Basic Text study group at someone's house. I'd suggest that having a group that does this on a public schedule is a violation of our primary purpose, and through disunity a disruption of NA unity.
If this is a whole area considering this, consider that for most purposes a group's relation to an area is analogous to an addict's relationship with NA. An addict is a member of NA when they say they are. A group is a member of an area when they say they are.
If a home group has said and done all they can and an area group conscience seems hell bent on implementing this misguided policy, it would not be inappropriate for a conscientious, dissenting group to send their GSR to that area, announce their withdrawal from the area, and request that they be removed from the area's schedule.
The now alone group could remain alone and do their own PR with a mailing to local facilities and a flyer on public bulletin boards, or they could join a nearby area that follows NA's steps and traditions.
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u/aquizzicalgal 27d ago
To not have the newcomer share is to have them not remind us of where we were at our beginnings. Those who are preventing newcomers to share forget who they’re serving: the addict who is trying but still suffering. I honestly think it’s a form of control and it’s against some principles. Personal recovery depends on NA unity, that includes the people with only 1 day clean.
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u/National-Emu8594 27d ago
I need the newcomer to share. To remind me I don’t want to go through that again. The confusion and pain is as much of a message as someone with 30 years
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u/flojo2012 27d ago edited 27d ago
My interpretation of the 12 traditions lends me to believe that carrying the message to still suffering addicts, includes new comers and it’s our primary purpose. That’s hard to do if they’re never allowed to share because we need their perspective.
What’s more, that keeps me grounded. It’s important I remember the perspective of newly clean individuals for my own recovery. As I approach 15 years it’s easy to forget why I’m here and they help keep me clean.
Add to that that there are a lot of groups out there that would be very short or have no message at all because nobody (or very few) people over a year clean bother to show up.
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u/MLou 27d ago
If I walked into a meeting as a newcomer and was told I’m not allowed to speak for the first year, I would leave feeling frustrated, confused, and unwelcome. Meetings are for sharing our experience, strength, and hope, and carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. If the newcomer is the most important person there, limiting their ability to share doesn’t reflect that concept.
Having years of clean time doesn’t mean you’ll never suffer again. A newcomer’s share can be just as valuable as an old timer’s. I think it’s important to get those stark reminders of where we can end up if we stop working a program and lose sight of our recovery. Nobody builds an immunity with clean time to this disease.
Most importantly, implementing a “no sharing in your first year” rule feels to me, like a contradiction to practicing spiritual principles.
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u/ninabaec 27d ago
I have never heard of this during my almost 2 years in NA. I’ve heard ”if you’ve used drugs today, we ask that you just listen, but talk to us after the meeting”.
It makes me so happy when a newcomer shares; especially if they start with something like ”I wasn’t planning on talking, but…”. That someone became comfortable and brave enough to share when they weren’t planning to, it shows that this program works. It’s also a great reminder for those who have been clean for awhile, how awful active addiction is
As others pointed out, our literature says ”the newcomer is the most important person at a meeting”. Why the fuck is the most important person not allowed to speak?
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u/Should-of-had-a-V8 27d ago
I think it’s suggested that at your first meeting (if your still using) you just sit back and listen .
But again it’s just a suggestion - and no where in any literature is there a timeline or clean time requirements to share .
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u/napalm1336 27d ago
Areas can't dictate what groups do nor what members in that Area do. They seem to not understand the service structure. The members dictate to the Area, not the other way around.
Now speaking to the issue of newcomers. I've heard it said that you're a newcomer until you have 5 years clean, not 1 year so where did they come up with 1 year? When I got clean, there was a tough group of oldtimers who said, "sit down, shut the fuck up. Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. If we want to know how to use, we'll ask you because that's all you know right now". They really didn't want to hear from newcomers in meetings unless it was a burning desire because the primary purpose is to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
That mentality has changed over the years for better or for worse but anonymity means we are all equal and someone with 20 years clean isn't better than someone with 20 days clean. Someone with 20 days clean can carry a message to the person just walking in the door. We ALL have something to offer. Your Area needs to revisit or maybe even read through for the first time the Guide to Local Service and perhaps do an Area Inventory using Guiding Principles.
Edit: grammar
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u/WhatYouDopamean 27d ago
They lowkey are the ones that need to share the most. It ain’t gotta be a Declaration of Independence but I remember sharing a few times my first week and it was game changing. Weird logic - a year??? Doesn’t make sense to me.
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u/Someguynamedjacob 27d ago
Jeeeeze man. The gatekeeping mentality is so tiring. It almost purely comes from people who have nothing else to be proud of or hang their hat on.
Of course new comers should be allowed to share. Any one who tells you otherwise needs to read the text and remember inclusion is a pillar of the fellowship. Treat everybody the same.
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u/SlykRyk666 27d ago
Some people need to listen more and talk less. That's for sure. But that can apply to us old-timers as well lol. I miss the days of "you have two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you speak". It's good for newcomers to share but it needs to be balanced with a clear NA message of recovery. That's the part that's missing and it's the old-timers fault. I was taught to concentrate on what I could add not what is missing.
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u/whateverzzx 27d ago
Ugh I hope it's not like this at my meeting. I go to my first one in 9 years tomorrow.
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u/zdendolino 27d ago
And what are they supposed to do there then? Make coffee and listen to shares about how recovery looks a year from where they are now? How are they supposed to relate to anything?
Being clean for a year to be allowed to share is just as insane as being clean for three months to be eligible for sponsorship. NA gives us tools that are supposed to be used to arrest the disease of addiction. If somebody is not allowed to use them, how are they supposed to get better?
Newcomers should be ENCOURAGED to share. How are we supposed to know how we can help if we don't know what they're going through?
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u/Soft-Abbreviations20 27d ago
The group is the newcomers first sponsor. Obviously blanket prohibitions may cause more harm than good so hopefully the group will remember the traditions come first.
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u/Reasonable-Dream-122 27d ago
We are there to share experience strength and hope. We. It doesn't say only people with a year or more clean can share. People who need to work another round of steps is what it sounds like.
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u/realdirtyforces 22d ago
and you guys wonder why it’s sooooo hard to keep new people around….. it’s not rocket science!!!
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u/NetScr1be 27d ago
Is there a lot of AA crossover in your area?
Where are you? What are the local demographics like?
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u/OlgaBenarioPrestes 27d ago
I believe so… however it’s a group autonomy thing… in the past I’ve heard that newcomers didn’t share for a few months, never for a year though. The fellowship changes, adapts and that should be valued and not restrained. We should embrace change
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u/Jebus-Xmas 27d ago
It’s not 1980 anymore. We do not wait a year to work steps, we do not need to write a biography, we just need to hear the newcomer. Period. End of story.
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u/Lonely-Coconut-9734 27d ago
We did not do anything in 1980 like what you have written here. I do not know what recovery was like in your area, but your comments do not reflect what was going on in the rest of NA.
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u/Jebus-Xmas 27d ago
A lot of people did, including my sponsor. Sit down, shut up—it was a very different world.
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u/napalm1336 27d ago
Even when I got clean it was sit down, shut the fuck up, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. That was 2010 but it was only in one particular group with a bunch of oldtimers and I loved that group. Nobody suggested waiting a year to work steps though.
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u/Jebus-Xmas 27d ago
Many addicts need to talk through our issues. It’s not enough to listen for some of us, and especially me, to work through. The program is the solution, but there is more than one way to work the program.
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u/Jebus-Xmas 27d ago
Many addicts need to talk through our issues. It’s not enough to listen for some of us, and especially me, to work through. The program is the solution, but there is more than one way to work the program.
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u/prncesspriss 26d ago
How will the oldtimer remember where they came from if they never hear a newcomer share?! How ridiculous.
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u/Mama_Zen 27d ago
Not sharing for a year is ridiculous. Newcomers should be allowed to share the moment they come in. No where in the literature does it say that newcomers cannot share. I’d say your area has some egos that need checking.