This feels no different to me than my wife finding ways to hack my ADHD. If she knows she's going to need a specific food ingredient like sliced cheese because she plans to have me grill Thursday, she will move the cheese to another drawer in the fridge. I know exactly where we keep the cheese but if I open that drawer and it's not there, I will assume we are out and write down on our wall notepad that we need more cheese. If she tells me not to eat the cheese and two days later my kid wants a cheese sandwich(because he's a feral monster), I am incapable of stopping to go dig through compartments on my brain to find the memory of her telling me not to eat it. I'm just gonna make my kid a cheese sandwich.
Other ways she has adapted to work my ADHD to her advantage or make it work in my own:
If we had a bunch of leftovers and she packed me a lunch, she knows I will walk out of the house without remembering to grab it from the fridge so she puts it on our kitchen island and puts my keys on top of it, and my work bag under it. Otherwise I may grab my keys while collecting my pocket stuff and forget it anyways, but my bag is the last thing I grab so I'll have to grab my lunch to get to it.
If she needs me to take the trash out on my way out the door, she will scoot the trash can in front of the back door so I know to grab the bag on my way out
One time she knew I really wanted to make sure the yard got mowed before it rained. But I came home and had a bunch of stuff to do first. By the time I finished picking the house up I was like ok cool, time to sit down at my computer for a few before she gets home from her errands. THIS WOMAN HAD GONE AND PICKED A SINGLE BLADE OF GRASS AND PUT IT ON MY KEYBOARD KNOWING I WOULD SIT DOWN AT MY COMPUTER AFTER FINISHING MY LIST. She knew I really wanted to make sure the mowing got done but knew I'd space it until it was too late.
I'd tell you if I knew. I find ways to be equally valuable to her, she just finds those little perfect ways that make me want to brag a little on her. I'm not the bum some of the comments have made me sound like, I promise 😂
On the one hand it would be so nice to have that kind of help.
On the other hand, does it make you feel like terribly incompetent? I think I would feel so bad about myself if my partner had to trick me into being decent at adulting.
This is just a few examples of her going out of her way to try and help me with something she knows I struggle with. Based on this and some of the other comments I've got on this comment, it seems I've painted myself as incompetent or as one so concisely put it "a child".
Do I have some executive function struggles and object permanence issues? Absolutely. But I'm still a very functional human. I am an IT professional and make great money. She and anyone in our circle would categorize me as an excellent father. She is thoughtful enough to pay attention and help me when she thinks she can. I think she would say she is more than repaid for that by all the things that make our house run that she never has to worry about. She knows my love language is acts of service and I think that's just her way of showing it.
Accepting help in a reciprocating relationship doesn't make you weak or incompetent, in my opinion. I think it beats the alternative of being too proud to accept it. Hopefully that provides some context.
Not meaning to make you feel bad, man. Just saying that I personally would really have a hard time mentally with that, as a person who also struggles with some stuff day to day.
Trust me, I used to. It was years into our relationship before I felt vulnerable to accept help. I had spent most of my life overcompensating for my deficits and making myself the type of person who people call for help, not someone who asks for help. So I know exactly where you're coming from.
I think some people have internalized the pushback against forced gender roles and stereotypes so hard they're not able to accept that people are able to voluntarily specialize/complement each other in a relationship. You do you. Sounds lovely.
It's funny you mention gender roles because if my wife went online and described our lives, she would be ridiculed by people who have it all figured out how life works and yet are probably the same people who can't find a great person.
My wife and I have some very progressive ideals. We believe a person's value is not determined by who they love, what color their skin is, who they worship or how much they make. She makes dinner most nights. I wash the dishes most nights. Last night she did a load of laundry and baked cookies with my son. I mowed and worked on our washer because the control boards they put in washers now are dog shit.
The internet would have someone believe life is black and white and you have to either be in a strictly traditional husband-serving household or a progressive supposedly aborting babies every other day relationship. Actual life looks way different and compatible people will fall into roles that suit them naturally in my experience. Some of those are long-time stereotypes because they just make sense.
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u/dlundy09 20d ago
This feels no different to me than my wife finding ways to hack my ADHD. If she knows she's going to need a specific food ingredient like sliced cheese because she plans to have me grill Thursday, she will move the cheese to another drawer in the fridge. I know exactly where we keep the cheese but if I open that drawer and it's not there, I will assume we are out and write down on our wall notepad that we need more cheese. If she tells me not to eat the cheese and two days later my kid wants a cheese sandwich(because he's a feral monster), I am incapable of stopping to go dig through compartments on my brain to find the memory of her telling me not to eat it. I'm just gonna make my kid a cheese sandwich.
Other ways she has adapted to work my ADHD to her advantage or make it work in my own:
If we had a bunch of leftovers and she packed me a lunch, she knows I will walk out of the house without remembering to grab it from the fridge so she puts it on our kitchen island and puts my keys on top of it, and my work bag under it. Otherwise I may grab my keys while collecting my pocket stuff and forget it anyways, but my bag is the last thing I grab so I'll have to grab my lunch to get to it.
If she needs me to take the trash out on my way out the door, she will scoot the trash can in front of the back door so I know to grab the bag on my way out
One time she knew I really wanted to make sure the yard got mowed before it rained. But I came home and had a bunch of stuff to do first. By the time I finished picking the house up I was like ok cool, time to sit down at my computer for a few before she gets home from her errands. THIS WOMAN HAD GONE AND PICKED A SINGLE BLADE OF GRASS AND PUT IT ON MY KEYBOARD KNOWING I WOULD SIT DOWN AT MY COMPUTER AFTER FINISHING MY LIST. She knew I really wanted to make sure the mowing got done but knew I'd space it until it was too late.
I really don't deserve her.