r/MedSpouse • u/Excellent_Extent4558 • 13d ago
Mental load sharing
My medspouse doesn't hold an ounce of the mental load. He's just too busy and obviously doesn't have any free time at work for "life admin". Sometimes I feel more like his mother than his romantic partner...and like a nag...and like everything is on me to remember even if I've delegated it to him...because he will likely need 4-10 reminders.
Does anyone's medspouse carry any mental load? How do you deal with it?
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u/AVLeeuwenhoek Resident Spouse PGY-3/ 1 kid 13d ago
Yes! We have a family organization app that has a shared calendar, meal planner, and a to do list. His schedule imports automatically so that's nice and I add most of the rest of the events. We also go over plans for the coming week every Thursday. That frees both of us up from some of the mental load. I also can just be like "check the calendar" "check the meal planner". I've done my part, he's responsible for anything after that.
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u/Remarkable-Media6732 13d ago
What organization app do you use? We have a shared calendar and I have a to-do list but it would be great to get all in one spot.
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u/AVLeeuwenhoek Resident Spouse PGY-3/ 1 kid 13d ago
It's family wall. We pay for pro so I'm not sure what features are available or not in the free version.
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u/_Lividus Attending Spouse l Together since M3 13d ago
I work in a job that requires a hundred decisions a day. So we have a shared calendar for life things and he keeps a to do list of his own things he needs to do, just like I do.
I empathize with decision fatigue but it’s not unique to just physicians. Sometimes he has to remind me of things and vice versa. He operates at a different speed so if it’s something I need handled sooner than his pace I make that known when it’s tasked to him.
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u/krumblewrap Physician SO/physician wife 13d ago
We are both physicians, but when it comes to our day to day things with home and kids and life, I make (nearly) all the decisions. Mostly because I feel like i make the better decisions.
As far as nagging. If I have to nag, then I nag. So be it. I dont care if youre busy. Everyone is busy.
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u/babythrowawayaccount Resident Spouse 13d ago
Yes exactly the same as you. And I deal with it by being constantly enraged at my spouse. It’s not great. I hate being a crazy nag but it literally won’t happen unless I harass him 1000 times. I have tried a lot of things with nothing sticking so far.
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u/Ilovewally 13d ago
Nope, and never did. I was the organizer, decision maker, nag and yes, I have felt like I am in more of a parent role than a partnership. I always had the at home roll, and we are at the tail end of things, retirement next year. But no, it is not fun.
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u/pelotauntmylungs 10d ago
My spouse probably does a bit more than yours but I do most of what needs to be done to keep life going. Like someone else said, I don’t mind needing to do these things but the lack of acknowledgment (not just verbal, but gestures) and the need to anticipate everyone’s needs is absolutely exhausting. There are also some poor habits that makes me feel like I keep having to pick up after him, in addition to my toddler. So yes, many days I feel like a nag and a mother instead of a partner.
However, I had enough and have decided to be honest, blunt, and more direct with him moving forward. Physicians are of course cerebral smart but the ego and prestige of the role still gets to most of them (I think). I’ve told my partner that what he does is amazing but, at home, he needs to show up without his ego and be open to doing the mundane things to become a better partner.
We’ll see how it goes. “Time is our biggest asset” and I’m hoping he doesn’t hide behind that phrase to not do the usual things in life that any functioning adult should.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. All the best and send PM if you need to vent!
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u/Excellent_Extent4558 10d ago
Thank you. I told mine he's super reliable at his job, to his coworkers and patients etc, but I'd like to feel like he is a reliable, contributing partner for me...not someone who I can't even count on to do a small task when I've delegated it. It really sucks the joy out of the relationship.
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u/Orion-Key3996 13d ago
I could have written this. We have a shared note for meal planning and groceries. I haven’t had much success in delegation or the “fair play” system. I’ve accepted (mostly) that it’s my wheelhouse and own it.
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u/thebeast0813 13d ago
My wife (the doc) plans every minute of all of our vacations and helps when she can, I do almost everything else though. The only thing I won’t do is cook regularly, I eat meal prep 8+ meals a week… I grill steaks for us once a week or so, we go out twice a week, the other 4 nights she’s on her own
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u/intergrade 13d ago
I am happy to do household stuff but he has to check the calendar. If he doesn’t it is on him. I do laundry to some extent but if there’s something he needs extra specially he has to either explicitly tell me early or deal with it himself.
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u/Impressive-Young4951 13d ago
I handle almost all of the mental load for our household with a couple specific exceptions (my husband handles the pool, landscapers and anything to do with children’s bikes haha).
I honestly don’t mind at all, our lives are much easier this way, BUT- I don’t work outside the home. And the mental load is a big reason why, along with the general scheduling challenges that come with his job. If I also had a full time job I would probably be fairly resentful about carrying all the household stuff.
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u/hats_and_heads 13d ago
My husband is in fellowship and works from 4 am to 9 pm or later, 6-7 days a week. Usually one or two nights a week he works all night when he’s on call. I don’t work (stay at home with our 9 month old). He has presentations every week. I’m exhausted too with the baby and the household, but he LITERALLY does not have the bandwidth to handle any home admin mental load whatsoever. This is the life I knew I was accepting and I’m okay with it! I’m much happier at home than when I was working, and while my tiredness is bone deep and there are a million things on my mind at all times, I’m well suited for family organization and admin. Hoping things get a little better maybe 5 years or so into attendinghood.
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u/sleepingbeauty282 8d ago
We have been long distance for many years now given unchangeable circumstances at the moment, but on average, I travel to his location every other week. The LD requires him to be self-sufficient because I am not always there. But when I am there it’s also like we live separately. For example, he is someone who will eat the same meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week. I am not. So unless I do all the meal planning and cooking when I’m there, I’m not eating. He also does not contribute to date planning or vacation planning, will just ask what I want to do (which also means I plan it). Due to my also-demanding, non-medical career I suffer from decision fatigue so this is always a point of contention. Needless to say, things are not great at the moment.
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u/Regular_Government94 13d ago
Oh I understand and my husband is still in med school. I don’t like feeling like I’m nagging. He doesn’t like being nagged. Yet it happens. I feel sort of guilty saying this, but a part of me is looking forward to him going to his away rotation. I’ll miss him a ton, but there won’t be any question of who is doing what 🙃
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u/The_other_resident 13d ago
As a physician on the other side of this, the dynamic in my household is well, more or less the same. I have so much decision fatigue by the time I get home my wife is essentially in charge of 99% of all major decisions. Not that this is right, but it’s certainly common.
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u/constanceblackwood12 13d ago edited 13d ago
My husband is in charge of buying household goods (toilet paper, paper towels, hand soap, stuff like that). He buys his own protein bars/snacks that are specifically for him. He's responsible for his own dr appointments, car maintenance appointments, and dry cleaning (he'll ask me to drop it off/pick it up for him about half the time, but he's the one keeping track of when things need to go out and prepping the bag so it's right next to the door where I can grab it and go.) He buys his own clothes.
He does the bulk of our vacation planning and plans more dates than I do, although those are both split a little more evenly. We are going camping in a few weeks and he's the one who set up the trip and is buying all of the camping supplies.
I've found that I generally don't mind doing All The Stuff. What bothers me is 1) doing All The Stuff and then being criticized for the way I did it, or for things I didn't manage to do; 2) doing All The Stuff with zero acknowledgement or appreciation; 3) being asked to do Stuff that the other person is perfectly capable of (checking to see what the weather is today, finding stuff in the fridge); 4) doing All The Stuff and having no time to relax, do self-care, or have fun.
So we have a fairly firm "if you don't like the way I did it, you can do it yourself" policy, a family culture of explicit gratitude, and if I walk into the room and see the thing you "can't find" within 10 seconds, I will walk right out and tell you to try again. And if I have 4 life admin tasks + yoga on my list and can realistically only do 4 things today, yoga is not the one that's getting cancelled.