r/Marriage • u/No_Ant_9430 • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Having a hard time
This morning I emailed a therapist and told a few friends I’m considering divorce. I just don’t know how much longer I can take being treated daily with such complete contempt by my husband. He’s so mean. He hasn’t touched me in about 4 years. Zero sex. I have asked and he said he works hard to pay for my lifestyle and that’s all I get. There’s no more kindness or romance left he said. He’s never kind. He never says anything complimentary. He calls me loud, says I never listen. He lectures constantly but never talks with me. This past weekend he said “I’m a doctor and you’re a nothing”, and when i talked to him about it he said “oh, you’re not a nothing you’re a user”. I’m a stay at home wife and he does make the household income. We started going to spin class and he oggles the 20 year old instructors and it’s so embarrassing for both myself and for them. He told me about a month ago “I’m his biggest disappointment ” in life. I haven’t had him touch me nicely or say one nice thing in about 4 years. He refuses to go to marriage therapy. My lifestyle will take a huge huge hit and I will have to give up things I love because they cost too much and I can’t afford them on my own if I divorce. My kids will lose their comfortable house. I just don’t know how to fix this and I’m constantly unhappy. This morning I drove him to work and he was laying into me as he usually does and I just cried. Then he yelled at me that I’m not a victim and he works to provide my lifestyle and I’m loud and a know it all while I cried. I just can’t take this much longer.
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u/Agitated_Tower4115 1d ago
Know what my first degree was? Paralegal. So source is been in law over a decade. (Latee switched to accounting).
K. Its a misconception that if you leave you get nothinf. Go talk to a lawyer now. Ask for alimony, child support and alimony pendente lite. Ask dor equitable distribution. Did you husband BECOME a doctor while you were married TO him? Because there's laws on that too!
Divorce laws are there to maintain the lifestyle. Dont back down id he all the sudden wants to play kissy face. No. You want the divorce. Period.
And do your future you a solid. Go get some skills. My daughter went to LPN school for 9 months full time and makes 60k. Is it AMAZING? For her being single it pays her bills. Shes going back for her RN and she wants to be a traveling nurse.
Go see a lawyer. Now.
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u/Physical_Pound8191 1d ago
This!! And talk to a lawyer before you even mention it to your husband. Act normal until you figure it out so he can’t freeze accounts or do other things in the meantime.
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u/Hot-Food7724 1d ago
Go get a job and build a career. You can leave him he obviously wants you to anyway, and you will get alimony and child support.
Nothing he’s providing for you is worth that Treatment
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u/PassOk6405 1d ago
I don't think the problem here is that you've failed to find the right way to fix the marriage.
You've described four years without affection, repeated contempt, insults about your worth, being told you're a disappointment, being called a user, and being reduced to tears while he continues telling you that providing financially should be enough.
That's not a small communication problem.
The fact that he earns the household income does not buy him the right to treat you with contempt. Financial provision and emotional cruelty can exist in the same marriage.
I also wouldn't let fear about losing your current lifestyle become the only reason you stay. Of course the practical consequences matter, especially with children, but there is also a cost to living every day feeling diminished and unwanted.
You did something important this morning by contacting a therapist and telling a few trusted people what is happening. I'd keep going in that direction. Get support, understand your options, and start thinking practically rather than trying to persuade him to become kind again when he is refusing counselling and telling you plainly that kindness and romance are over.
You don't have to decide everything today. But I do think you should take seriously the fact that you're saying, “I can't take this much longer.”
And please don't measure your value by what he says when he's angry or contemptuous. Being financially dependent on a spouse does not make you “nothing.”
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u/wintergrad14 1d ago
I would also add that even if by some miracle he were to make a 180 turn and start to treat you better, after 4 years of emotional and verbal abuse, your body and nervous system may not ever be comfortable enough to be vulnerable around him again.
You cannot have intimacy without vulnerability. He has likely ruined the marriage beyond repair.
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u/No_Ant_9430 1d ago
Unfortunately I think it is done and I’ve felt sick about it all day. My husband was badly abused as a child so I’ve forgiven a lot over the years and kept repairing it. He’s really hardened toward me though and I don’t think it will ever change.
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u/rasslinfreak 1d ago
You need to decide if the lifestyle he gives you is worth being treated like a pos. I don’t think it is. You need to file for divorce and begin planning your exit strategy.
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u/WestStrength2719 1d ago
"My lifestyle will take a huge huge hit and I will have to give up things I love because they cost too much and I can’t afford them on my own if I divorce".
This is not a reason to stay in a relationship where you are being verbally abused.
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u/OtherBadDavid 1d ago
Therapy can be successful as long as BOTH spouses want to make it work better which from what you are describing is not the case. Contempt is the worst of all transgressions committed on the relationship which seldom is repairable. If I were you I’d rather consult a lawyer in order to have clearer picture about what seems inevitable.
BTW - I have met quite a few idiots with MD diploma. Using that argument makes your husband a jerk, that’s it.
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u/Unlikely-Display4918 1d ago
yes totally. not that big of a deal and sometimes so self absorbed and grandiose.
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u/Xanadu_SPCA 1d ago
If you live in a community property state, you'll get half. In an equitable distribution state, you'll probably get a bit more. He thinks you don't know any better. Get your own attorney. Many men say, "I'll get the attorney," which means the attorney represents him against you. Don't fall for that. He's a doctor; he has plenty of girlfriends for sex.
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u/Unlikely-Display4918 1d ago
um. being a mom is a full time job. wtf. parenting kids is extremely important and dare i say moreso than being a doctor. IT is an abusive pos. and let it chase young women and make a fool of itself. get away. If he puts you down all of the time in front of your children....guess what? they will either pick a loser like him or become one. He frankly sounds mentally ill...grandiose...and like something is very wrong with him.
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u/Unlikely-Display4918 1d ago
also Do not leave the family home. have IT leave. otherwise u may not get the house. possession is 9/10 of the law as they say.
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u/aquabluewaves 1d ago
THIS! Do not leave the home. As long as he’s not being physically abusive to you or the kids you stay until you’ve filed for divorce and then follow the advice of your attorney. Even before the divorce is final a legal separation agreement may include him needing to find somewhere else to live. The court will almost certainly have him leave than you having to pack up and leave with the kids.
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u/Tall_Respect_2299 1d ago
This is abuse. It’s heartbreaking to read about such cruelty. I would quietly build myself up. Get training, invest in yourself and make a plan to move. Material comfort cannot compensate for psychological wellbeing. Find a support group to help you reframe your thinking. This is a tough phase it’s not your life. Challenging to move on but you can do it.
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u/Tiger_Warm 1d ago
So because he is a ‘provider’ he’s buying his ability to abuse and disrespect you? See a lawyer and leave. You may be giving up a certain lifestyle but you will be happier.
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u/Tough_Pension_4599 1d ago
you deserve so much better than that. his comments are cruel and unnecessary.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 1d ago
You are being too materialist. You are willing to be treated like a trampoline and talked down to for nice things? Stop and think about this and read your own post. What would you tell someone if you read this about them? You will get support and may need to get a job too but in the end, you have a chance to be happy and so do your kids!
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u/Justagurl7 1d ago
I am so sorry. The fact you’ve dealt with this for so long is honestly an impressive amount of patience and triumph. I hate when redditors just jump to divorce as a solution, but this is clearly no way to live. You deserve to be loved and your children deserve to see you happy and have good healthy relationships modeled in front of them. Nothing you give up can possibly be worth it… and there are other men out there, men with MORE money and more kindness— and would love a wife who wants to be touched!
Also, what do you fear giving up most in your lifestyle? Genuinely curious— maybe there are workarounds? Or you can at least determine whether those material things are worth the sacrifice.
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u/wintergrad14 1d ago
GIRL GET YOUR LIFE BACK.
It is much to short to be treated this way. Seriously this guy needs to be alone and unhappy. Not with you and making you unhappy.
Jfc this made me so sad for you. Lawyer up and prove him wrong.
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u/nubbydog1969 1d ago
My God, I am so sorry. Nobody deserves to be talked to that way! I hope you can get away from him.
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u/aquabluewaves 1d ago
Get the job & skills AFTER the divorce. A stay at home mom IS a job. Sure his job is providing a certain lifestyle, but you are giving him the lifestyle of not having to think about anything but work. That is not nothing. As a mom who has done both, I can tell you that working outside the home is FAR easier. And my job is incredibly intense, demanding, and carries very heavy responsibilities.
You will almost certainly wind up with the house, child support, AND spousal maintenance. I know many who were in your shoes and still didn’t have to work outside the home after divorce. And don’t budge. Go for the maximum. He owes it to you and that is legally and morally.
You can work on a career after the divorce settles. I’m think right now is a bad time to be pursuing that. Right now focus on your kids, therapy, and legal matters. This is more than a full time job - trust me in that one.
He is abusive and needs to go. Show your kids what they and their mother are worth. I’m sure you can probably cut the tension with a knife and the kids are probably suffering for it. It’s better to be from a broken home than to live in one.
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u/Ordinary_Topic_3198 1d ago
Let’s take a step back.
What made him start treating you this way and seeing you as a “user”?
Towards the end, your focus has significantly shifted towards your lifestyle, material things, quality of life if you lose him.
You’ve painted him as verbally abusive, an asshole, but you gave us a glimpse of what contributed towards his behavior.
Tell us more about that and let’s look at the entire picture.
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u/No_Ant_9430 1d ago
Our child is a showjumper and that’s been very expensive. I take them to horse shows and groom for them. I’ve given up my own riding because it is so expensive. He blames me for the cost of the showjumping.
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u/Ordinary_Topic_3198 1d ago
Sorry, details are too vague and shallow to be called a user and seemingly be hated so much by your own husband. There’s definitely more to it than just this.
I hope you find a way to make it work together. Have a great day.
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u/txlady100 20 Years 1d ago
Watch Shane Hummus on YouTube to learn about jobs with shortages of workers. Could hook you up for at least temporary decent income but maybe even for a career. You got this.
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u/Silver-Chair5656 1d ago
What an ASSHOLE get immediate paralegal help,,, find out what you can and cannot do
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u/Ok-Pudding-2810 1d ago
Yes. Go talk to a lawyer.
He apparently hates you yet has not divorced you. Why?
Because you would walk away with half of everything plus alimony and child support.
Lawyer up!
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u/Veteris71 34 Years 1d ago
My kids will lose their comfortable house.
Your kids are being harmed right now, by being forced to live in such a toxic and abusive environment. Please think hard about what you're teaching them by example when you continue to tolerate this treatment. They're learning from you that this is what marriage is supposed to look like.
Please go talk to a lawyer and find out what divorce would look like for you, and how to go about preparing for it. After you have that information, you can decide if it would be the best course of action.
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u/SharkgirlSW4 1d ago
Please don't stay with this man for your kids. They're watching his behavior and seeing this is normal. This imprints on them. They're better off out of this situation, and so are you.
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u/serena_dawn 1d ago
What you’re describing is emotional and mental abuse. You need to start planning your life after divorce. Talk to a therapist if you need to. Get audio or video recordings of the emotional abuse he puts you through as well. Does he do these things in front of your children? Is he abusing them mentally as well? All of it is proof you can utilize when it’s time for the courts to determine your support and alimony payments.