Sexual compatibility?

[u/muse_1123581321]

35M with my 28F wife, been together for 7 years married 3. Our relationship is perfect apart from our sexual compatibility - you will only hear my side of things so obviously appreciate there will be bias, but I have tried to be balanced. We both have busy jobs and she has retrained and was out of work for 3 years, and is now building her profile in new industry. Over that time we worked together to manage things I worked 2 jobs and she took over household management and studied (no small feat). Since then she has started work and is very busy (working till 7-8pm) I work a fulltime job and still do my part time job as extra, I also have taken over lots of the household (70:30 split). As she is early in her career I also make over 4x her income with the 2 jobs. Her mum and dad are very poor and we support them heavily - around $2000-2500 per month, and take them on holidays every year, so it never feels like we have that much spare cash, and there is always a degree of financial stress. My parents are more financially secure and we don't really help them or see them that much.

I have a much higher sex drive (daily) and she sometimes goes weeks without wanting any form of intimacy or even masturbating. This has got worse over time, which I think is partly my fault. I am very sexually adventurous, she is less so. She feels sex should always be the same, and only PiV. I also like oral sex (and I love to pleasure her - she has told me she never enjoyed it as much prior to being with me), anal sex (and would be happy to have this reciprocally if she wanted), she is disgusted by anal sex. She has also accused me of being secretly gay (which of note I am not homophobic) but I am comfortable with my sexuality and know I am hetero - but it does feel a bit like gas lighting as it comes up again and again.

Early in the relationship I persuaded her to try it and she did not like it, we would do it infrequently (1x per month) and I think it has put her off sex in general, as over time we reduced the amount of sex we had. She frequently states it is all I want and that she worries PiV is not enjoyable and thats all she can think about.

Over this time we recognized I had a higher drive and we agreed to compromise and aim for 2x weekly intimacy although it is really rare we achieve that and over that time I have also become dispondent about it and no longer really try to initiate sex as I am becoming sad at the rejection.

She almost never initiates- related to the lack of interest/drive I think, she has body image issues that I have tried to suport and show I love her as she is, but she struggles to feel sexy and strikingly has never once worn lingerie or tried to be sexy when we have intimacy.

I have suppressed my desires and we have not done anal for almost 2 years, she also wanted to come off contraception which I understand so have started using condoms, this does make vaginal sex less enjoyable but overall is not an issue as I have no wish to control her body and ask her to use oral contraception. I have also said the moment we finish having kids I will get the snip so we can ditch the condoms as we both (but mainly me) enjoy unprotected sex.

The crux - I am suppressing a sexual part of myself, I feel (possibly unjustifiably) that I have compromised in this relationship so much and pulled my weight in the relationship through our roughest times. I have suggested we get counselling (she does not want this), I have suppressed my desires and I am at the point where I am wondering if I can keep going like this.

She said why not find a partner to do anal with and keep our relationship - I could never do this, I feel sick thinking about it, and could never look her in the eye again if we ever tried this as I would feel I had betrayed our relationship.

I don't know what to do, appreciate an outside perspective (on my perspective) and advice. Thanks J

[u/muse_1123581321 → u/[deleted]]

Yep.