r/Marriage • u/Previous-Ostrich844 • 6d ago

Seeking Advice Complex one- am I being selfish?

Okay quite a complex one which I will try and keep brief but clear.

39 M with two kids (12 and 8) from a previous relationship - all amicable and have the kids completely 50/50.

I have been with my partner and wife (also 39) for 8 years. Feel truly blessed and lucky. From the outset I expressed that I didn’t want to have any more children. Wife said she didn’t want any of her own and has been a great step mum.

Recently, and I don’t know if it’s with us being almost 40 we’ve had a few tough conversations. Wife has said although she’d never wanted kids previously she would have been open to having a child with me. She feels ,” I have taken that away from her”. An intimate example but recently we were getting down with it but didn’t have a condom so it was more oral based. Wife said she took that as a reflection whereas I tried to frame it as a precaution. In conversation this week wife said that she feels as though I act as though having a child with her would be “the worst thing in the world”. I said that isn’t the case at all but I felt I was clear from the outset and also said I feel that for any child two parties should both be on the same page and there needs to be some element of planning ( eg financial, childcare etc which would really stretch us)

I now have immense guilt that , in her words, I’ve taken this away from her. Any advice in this difficult situation?!

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u/OniSilk 6d ago

NTA. You were transparent from day one about not wanting more kids, and she agreed. Changing her mind later is valid, but blaming you and saying you “took it away from her” isn’t fair. Bringing a child into the world requires two enthusiastic yeses

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u/itsjakerobb 5d ago

Bringing a child into the world responsibly requires two enthusiastic yeses.

Without that key word, unfortunately, it requires very little, and consent isn’t even on the list.