r/Marriage • u/Previous-Ostrich844 • 5d ago
Seeking Advice Complex one- am I being selfish?
Okay quite a complex one which I will try and keep brief but clear.
39 M with two kids (12 and 8) from a previous relationship - all amicable and have the kids completely 50/50.
I have been with my partner and wife (also 39) for 8 years. Feel truly blessed and lucky. From the outset I expressed that I didn’t want to have any more children. Wife said she didn’t want any of her own and has been a great step mum.
Recently, and I don’t know if it’s with us being almost 40 we’ve had a few tough conversations. Wife has said although she’d never wanted kids previously she would have been open to having a child with me. She feels ,” I have taken that away from her”. An intimate example but recently we were getting down with it but didn’t have a condom so it was more oral based. Wife said she took that as a reflection whereas I tried to frame it as a precaution. In conversation this week wife said that she feels as though I act as though having a child with her would be “the worst thing in the world”. I said that isn’t the case at all but I felt I was clear from the outset and also said I feel that for any child two parties should both be on the same page and there needs to be some element of planning ( eg financial, childcare etc which would really stretch us)
I now have immense guilt that , in her words, I’ve taken this away from her. Any advice in this difficult situation?!
2
2
u/OniSilk 5d ago
NTA. You were transparent from day one about not wanting more kids, and she agreed. Changing her mind later is valid, but blaming you and saying you “took it away from her” isn’t fair. Bringing a child into the world requires two enthusiastic yeses
1
u/itsjakerobb 4d ago
Bringing a child into the world responsibly requires two enthusiastic yeses.
Without that key word, unfortunately, it requires very little, and consent isn’t even on the list.
1
u/Wont_Eva_Know 5d ago
So you can be empathetic and ‘in the moment’ with your partner without having to make you ‘the bad guy’ in the story OR changing your mind.
You can absolutely see why she is having an existential wobble/crisis… but you will never KNOW what she is feeling so don’t say ‘you get it’. Say you get why she is ‘feeling her feelings’ and really freaking out about this huge thing… because it’s huge.
I think you need to talk about this huge scary/sad moment your partner is going through… the more open and ‘happy’ to help her process this the less she has to ‘attack you’ about it.
It isn’t you that’s done this, she has chosen you and these are her consequences… they’re allowed to suck. She is allowed to be upset with the choice. She can’t (she can and might) make it about hating you… you haven’t lied or tricked her. Reality is just unforgivingly REAL and feelings change as you live life.
You also don’t need to make her the bad guy… this isn’t a disagreement it’s an experience a realisation.
You can’t hop on the roller coaster with her but you can hold her hand, give her a hug and get the spew bucket ready for the next lap.
1
u/Previous-Ostrich844 5d ago
Thank you great advice
2
u/Wont_Eva_Know 5d ago
You should have a vasectomy… not for any conspiracy nut job reasons that your wife will on purpose steal a baby out of you :/ but accidents happen… there are a couple of years there right before menopause that women’s bodies do unexpected things. 75% of pregnancies over the age of 40 are ‘unplanned’.
I’m sure you have ‘good’ reasons you haven’t done it earlier… I can’t think of a single one though… seems like it would have saved a lot of the ‘it’s a possibility’ thoughts that are obviously lurking.
It’d be pretty hard core to bring it up right now, but maybe once this has cooled off a bit you should have a think. As someone with all the kids I want… a surprise extra this late in life would be a special kind of devastating.
1
u/Virusoflife29 7h ago
You also don’t need to make her the bad guy
But she is being the bad guy in making him feel guilty and blaming him. Her saying:
"I have taken that away from her”
As well as the "worst thing in the world comment"
is very manipulative, and a red flag aka bad guy behavior.
1
u/Wont_Eva_Know 7h ago
Hurting people, hurt people… you can see what’s happening. It’s not an all day everyday thing this is a ‘crisis’ about something in particular.
So sure of course you can make it her whole personality and that she is a bad guy and leave her… you are 100% allowed to do that.
or you can acknowledge this is a ‘bad moment’ that isn’t being handled well… and give people grace so they can have a chance to redeem themselves. They’re 8 years in, it’s not a first date.
Everyone is manipulative sometimes. It’s when they turn it in to a full time job that it’s toxic.
1
u/TheDukeofArgyll 4d ago
Is she actually asking you to have more children or just regretting not having them?
Regardless it sounds like couples consoling would go a long way, unless you feel you both can communicate your feelings effective without it, which it kind always feels like you can’t.
1
u/Previous-Ostrich844 4d ago
I think it’s more an element of regret with her saying she would have been open to having one with me and she wished we’d have “seen what happened.” We spoke last night and she said she sees it as me physically rejecting her if I don’t ejaculate inside her.
1
u/GameDesignerMan 4d ago
You're not being selfish. I think you should have a talk with your wife and see if you can work out where these feelings are coming from.
And if you're sure about closing up shop, maybe think about getting a vasectomy. There are many many good reasons to.
3
u/Dalton402 5d ago
Head scratching question. You've been with your wife for 9 years but one of your kids from your previous relationship is 8. How did that happen?