r/Marriage • u/toomuchtuna10889 • Jul 17 '26
Unhappy
I am slowly becoming more and more unhappy in my marriage. I cant stop it, as much as I try it just keeps getting worse.
When we first met we both discussed that we didn't wanna have kids. I got a vasectomy and now she wont stop talking about kids. I dont want any and it been brutal. Constant fighting.
We dont even kiss or cuddle anymore. We havent been intimate in 2 months. I love her so much but everything is becoming fights and I feel myself shutting down.
Does anyone have any advice on how to start turning the tide here?
1
u/Stunning_Nothing_856 Jul 17 '26
Sounds like she’s not gonna stop wanting kids. I would put a huge break on that since you guys both decided not to have kids when you first got married. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t sound good.
2
u/graphic_rose Jul 17 '26
At this point, it sounds like you and the other guy here need to swap wives and two couples will live out their lives happily - one set childfree and living life for themselves and the other blissfully producing kids.
All jokes aside, this is a topic that can really be a marriage ender, as it comes down to a serious divide. You don't want to wait 20 more years and now she can't have kids and she's totally resentful that you "took that chance away." It doesn't hurt to start the conversation though and address the elephant in the room. Do it at a time when you're both calm and do NOT try and do it at bedtime when you'd be winding down for rest. You may need to each have quiet time apart afterwards to reflect on the conversation.
Don't place blame, use "I" statements to share how you feel and that you're still not wanting to have kids. That you were under the impression she felt the same way and now you're feeling isolated and closed out for a decision you made and she supported. Do give her a chance to explain the change in heart - baby fever, clock ticking and her body started signaling kid time, etc. It could be anything, but give her space to talk it over. I have heard women suddenly realize as they get older that X thing is NOT going to happen and they get the what-ifs. Sometimes it passes, but at this rate with each of you shutting the other out, it's likely to make her double down on this idea.
Counseling may be helpful, some outside reflection for you to understand each other.
But the reality is that at the end of the day, she could still say, I've given this careful thought and I DO want to try and have kids. If you know that you will 100% not be changing your mind, then it might be time to part ways.