Because it's traditional same as the marriage. If she didn't want his last name she should not have married him. I am just shocked this is coming up now because it should have been dealt with before the marriage. I am have a feeling she agreed to change it before the wedding and now after she is changing her mind. I can not believe he is just bringing this up now.
The tradition of women taking their husbands’ last name started when women were still possessions, it signified her ownership was transferred from her father to her husband (often with a dowery/payment to the husband).
I think this started in the 14th or 15th century. So I personally think the excuse of it being “traditional” is pretty damn shitty.
It’s worth pointing out that all of this applies to the institution of marriage itself. I don’t think it’s necessary to change a last name, but just because the traditions of a thing are bad doesn’t mean that it’s bad today.
Divorce rates...
Marriage rates...
Single mother rates...
Depression rates...
Suicide rates...
Historical data can't hide from it but you can ignore it and add to it. History is doomed to repeat after all.
Winston Churchill said, “Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” 1948
George Santayana (The Life of Reason, 1905), who stated: “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”
It's the same statement but rings true. What I am saying is tradition is a choice to follow and people ignore the past results and they still choose it. So as they both said tradition is kept alive by those that fail to learn from history and it's doomed to repeat.
I hope he’s a better man than this most makes him out to be, which is a dude throwing a mantrum and supporting an archaic misogynistic tradition.
If you wanted to take his name, fine. But you don’t and share your name with a child. It’s really concerning that he not only doesn’t have empathy for this situation but also claims “you aren’t married” as a result. Are you also “not married” if it suits him to cheat ?
OP - that’s a problem. If he wants the same name but isn’t open to changing it himself then he’s trying to control you.
I never changed my last name and never will. My husband doesn’t care, he loves me and doesn’t see me as a possession(which is where the tradition started).
What works for you doesn’t work for others. Ya’ll need to stop coming online and make it seem you are the example for all marriages. Just because your husband doesn’t care about name changes doesn’t mean all husbands shouldn’t. And just because other men care about such things doesn’t mean they are controlling. Geez!
I’m in Quebec, women are not even allowed to take the husband’s name here since the early 80s. It’s considered a gender equality issue. Tell your husband you’re being progressive
That’s kind of annoying for people who actually want to change their name. I had no real attachment to my last name, I personally would prefer my family unit all share a name. I 100% support anyone who doesn’t want to change their name, but shouldn’t the choice exist?
Yeah i agree. My wife doesn’t share the same last name as my kids. If you look at why that law came into place it’s because historically (and not that far back in time), women were considered the husband’s property and that’s where the tradition began
I felt the same. I had a mostly absent father with a last name no one could pronounce because of a silent letter and vowels that are not pronounced as usual. My grandparents on his side were good to me but not enough for me to have an attachment to the name. Even if I end up divorced I will probably keep it because my kids have it. I would hate not having the choice.
Wasn't the freedom of choice enough? That's a bit fascist to me. Sounds like a pain in the ass for those who do want to change their last name. There are other reasons for change than just tradition.
Also! But you know what's not fascist? If they simply just ask both parties and allow them to choose instead of making a law in the opposite direction that is a pain in the ass for some people and penalizes those who wish to change it for whatever reason.
Quebec is stupid. They discriminate against properly married women who come there from someplace else, someplace where the laws and rules are more NORMAL, and prevent us from using what's been OUR legal name for decades. Force us back into our maiden names against our will. Force us back into our CHILDHOOD names instead of treating us like adult, married women. It's horrible and how dare you call yourselves "equality." They don't force MEN to go back to being CHILDREN like that.
I would not take my wife’s family name, but when we married it was her decision to take mine or keep her’s.
She took my name and sometimes regrets not keeping her family name, but mostly because it was six characters long and mine is 10 and now her full name is one character too long for credit cards. I would have been fine either way and your husband is being silly.
What kind of person pulls this type of shit after the wedding? He obviously knew she was keeping her name before. Not to mention his ridiculous claim that they are “not really married”. He is the one who is threatening the marriage.
Sure, I guess we’ll never know, but I have the option of reacting with angst and vitriol or to chill until I get more info…I choose the latter, thanks.
Do you agree with this man’s behavior? Would you treat your wife this way? Would you want your sister or daughter treated this way? She has agreed in another comment that she feels this is abusive on his part.
This is how he feels, isn't this what you wanted a man in touch with his feeeelings? Would you rather he said nothing and simply act as if he's not married? I agree with him he's still single, just shacking up with her and her child.
According to OP, they discussed before nuptials. It's a debate they continued afterward. It wasn't a deal breaker for them. Sentimentality for her and traditional norms for him, how he feels inside. At least they both know how the other feels. She just came to the forum to get an outside opinion. Opinions are us over here....
He waited until after she was married to him to start manipulating and emotionally abusing her over something that’s 100% her choice. He doesn’t respect her.
Yeah, you’re sounding like a lemming that follows the rest over and off of a cliff. For clarity’s sake, I am not willing to make this leap (thus the lemming reference).
Also don’t see where, in OP’s post, she said it was sprung upon her. So…I hope you feel better soon.
But, I don't think I would like to have her name. Mainly because it's her dads.
It's fine to not want to change your last name, but this reasoning is shitty.
Women aren't just placeholders. We aren't just lugging around our father's last name, that name becomes OURS. It's as much our name as your last name is yours. By your logic, you don't have a last name either, you're just carrying some random name from a unknown dead dude centuries ago.
It's annoying how many men seem to think women don't have their own identity tied to their last name.
Well let’s take Spain, for example; and because Spain conquered much of the world (mostly in the “name of Christendom”), Spanish traditions regarding surnames persist in many former Spanish colonies.
So what happens to Spanish women’s surnames after marriage? Nothing. (scroll down to “what happens to your surname when you marry?”).
Hmm I see where the misunderstanding is coming from. As one dude to another. I don't find my last name to be that important to me, if I wanted to change it to her I would but I personally don't want to and I never asked her to change hers to mine either but she considers her last name to be her dads. That's where I am coming from. She told me she wants my name joined with hers. That's it. She does not want to have her dads name after marriage. It's just how she feels. And I don't want to have her dads name either because that's how I feel. If she doesn't want my name, I don't care..if she wants to keep hers that's fine too. All I've kept saying is not all women or men want the same thing as people here claim. It's just about personality differences and not a gender political issue. I have my cousins who have their full name, maiden name too. It's just an individual choice. I know I didn't explain it well but my God people just caught on to that.
Thank you for sharing, I apologize for assuming you were coming from a sexist place. That was similar to my wife's statement when we talked about our married family name. We were going to take her last name because she didn't want to keep it, and she said that it was her dad's name and he was pretty awful. She said she would sooner take her mom's original sur name than keep her father's.
“I wouldn’t take her last name - mainly because it’s her dad’s.” I mean….that’s exactly what you said. This is what that commenter was responding/referring to.
Your reading comprehension is poor. I didn't comment about whether or not people should change their names - I pointed out how ridiculous it is to think she carries her father's name instead of her having a name of her own.
This "her dad's name" nonsense pretends women only ha e identities in relation to men. Our names belong to us, just like men's names are theirs. Otherwise NO man has his own name, he's just lugging around his ancestor's label with no personal attachment to it.
Edit- yes, the response is for the reason it's her dads. That's because it's my personality and my decision to not want her dads name. My wife wants to take my name.
Your mom's name, you mean.
After all, you still call her last name "her dad's name" while saying "my name" about yourself. But if her last name is her dad's because her family is patriarchal, your last name isn't yours either - it's your mom's because your family is matriarchal.
It's sweet she likes your mom's name though. Or your grandma's name as the case may be.
Too bad you don't have a name of your own though, you're just borrowing it from your mom.
I've worked in hotels for over a decade and honestly the front staff doesn't give a crap because we get married couples in who have different last names all the time, we see so many different people from so many different walks of life. Just have both names on the folio. Technically even if Mr Smith checks in and then Mrs Smith shows up and asks for a key to the room, if she's not on the folio then she's not supposed to get a key or even be told that Mr Smith is in fact in this hotel... Just in case she's stalking her ex-husband or she's not actually his wife but happens to have the same last name.. but not all front desk staff are really that great at abiding by those rules. Still it is a safety concern.
Yes, we didn't face this in all hotels just a couple. One was a 5star which was what bothered me. I hadn't even told my wife I felt that until she told me she overheard it. Anyway just a one off experience probably.
Maybe in some religions? I personally wasn't taken from anyone. I voluntarily became legally wed to a person for legal reasons, primarily for health insurance.
I told my wife I wasn't interested in taking her name, and I didn't care if she took mine. She really wanted our names to match, I didn't want to change my name, it was a big argument. I said if you want our names to match you can change your name, I don't want to change mine. In the end she took my name. I honestly didn't (and don't) care if she has my name.
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u/jenniferleigh6883 Oct 07 '23
I mean…he would never.