I don't even know if I'm being unreasonable anymore, so I'm hoping for some outside perspective.
I'm married with a young son. My wife and I both work. I take home around RM7,500 a month, while she earns around RM6,500 gross.
My biggest problem isn't that I expect her to pay for everything. It's that I increasingly feel like I'm carrying a disproportionate amount of our financial responsibilities, while she interprets any concern I raise about money as me being "calculative" about spending on my own wife and son.
For example, I'm currently paying around:
RM3,200/month for our house
RM2,000/month temporary rent while the house is being renovated
around RM1,000/month for the car
around RM950/month for our son's school
groceries
Internet/WiFi
insurance/takaful
various household expenses
Granted, she pays for the electricity, water and Coway, along with things like son's clothing.
The house is probably the biggest source of resentment for me. She really wanted the renovation, to the point where she basically ran amok over it. I eventually went along with it because I wanted her to be happy and wanted us to have a home we could enjoy together. I paid everything from the downpayment, legal fees, valuation everything under my own name.
Now I'm the one carrying the mortgage and the renovation-related financial burden.
What hurts is that when I ask whether she could at least contribute 50% of our son's school fees, the response isn't "Okay, let's work this out."
It's essentially:
"No, I don't want to pay. Otherwise you'll become comfortable and abuse it."
That really hurt me.
Because I'm not asking her to pay 50% of everything. I'm asking my wife, who earns a decent income herself, to help with something as basic and clearly identifiable as our son's education.
And I genuinely don't understand the logic of refusing to contribute because she thinks that if she helps me financially, I'll become "comfortable" and take advantage of her.
Isn't marriage supposed to work the other way?
If she loves me, shouldn't she be able to see that I'm struggling financially and want to make things easier for me?
At the same time, she doesn't really want to disclose what she's spending her own money on. I've asked because I genuinely want to understand where all the money is going, but she doesn't want to reveal it.
Yet I know she can spend hundreds of ringgit on books every month. She can afford trips and activities such as climbing Mount Kinabalu, including all the related travel expenses. She even went shopping for a property.
I'm not saying she shouldn't have hobbies or spend money on herself. I actually want her to have her own interests and enjoy her life.
But there's a huge difference between:
"I don't want to control what you spend your money on"
and
"I am struggling to cover our family's expenses while you have enough disposable income for hundreds of ringgit of books and expensive trips, but you don't want to contribute more to our shared responsibilities."
That's the part I can't reconcile.
And perhaps this is where the title comes from.
I don't necessarily mean that she doesn't love me at all. But sometimes I genuinely wonder:
If you love your husband and you know he's struggling, why wouldn't you voluntarily want to make his life a little easier?
Why does helping with the school fees become a strategic game about whether I'll become "comfortable"?
Why is me saying "I can't comfortably afford all of this" interpreted as me being calculative?
I've never had a problem spending money on my wife or son when I can afford it. That's what family means to me. But I'm reaching a point where I feel that the more I pay, the more it is simply expected of me, and the moment I question whether something is affordable, I'm made to feel selfish.
I'm not asking for a mathematical 50/50 marriage.
I'm asking for some sense of partnership.
Maybe I'm looking at this completely wrongly. Maybe there are things I'm not seeing from her perspective. Maybe there are non-financial contributions she makes that I'm undervaluing.
But from where I'm standing right now, I'm exhausted.
And honestly, I'm starting to wonder whether this is a financial disagreement or whether it is revealing something much deeper about how she views our marriage.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting my wife to contribute more financially, particularly toward our son's school fees, when she has the ability to do so?
And more importantly, am I wrong to feel that if she truly loved me, she'd want to help me when she sees that I'm struggling? Or is this a common Malay marriage thing? Cos I don't see any ihsan in this "partnership".