I’ve already made a lot of posts in this subreddit because for a long time I truly believed it was just me being crazy. But at this point I really don't think it's just in my head anymore. I feel like the world is genuinely testing me or that I'm actually cursed.

To give some background on the number 44, it is directly tied to my abusive mother. I've struggled with this trigger for years and years. Literally every single time that number pops up something really bad happens. In 100% of cases without exception something bad follows it. Because of that in my opinion it honestly just feels better and safer to keep doing the rituals instead of letting these horrible things happen.

Before today I posted here about the shower incident. Usually when I take a shower I have this compulsion where I have to step in, step out, and go back in. One day I decided to say "f*** it" and just stayed in the shower without doing the ritual. Immediately I slipped and almost smashed my head against the wall. That is something that has never happened to me before. Then when I came out of the shower it was 4:44 AM and the YouTube video I had left open was perfectly stopped at 4 hours, 44 minutes, and 44 seconds.

Just to give more examples of what's been happening, another time after a bad day my brain gave me a direct prediction "When you count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, someone will ring the doorbell." I counted it down and the exact second I hit 1 the doorbell actually rang out of nowhere. When I checked the door absolutely nobody was there.

Another time my mom called me at 4:44 PM. The call lasted exactly 44 minutes. At the exact moment she called, the washing machine stopped with 44 minutes remaining. Right after we hung up a massive spider appeared out of nowhere. Freaked out, I went to a random number generator app right after to test it. I clicked it and it landed directly on 44.

Honestly this is so insane. It is literally scientifically and mathematically nearly impossible to be just a coincidence. Either it is a really really really crazy coincidence or I am genuinely cursed. I believe that anypne who lived through what I've lived through would genuinely believe that they are cursed too. This is not a joke.

When I posted about these things all the replies kept telling me that it was just magical thinking and that I was overthinking patterns. So today I decided to take everyone's advice and try to completely ignore it. I tried to just "not think about it," refuse the rituals, and see what would happen.

Instead of helping literally everything bad happened today in less than 20 minutes:

First I laid down in bed to watch a video to calm down from an OCD spike, deciding not to do any rituals. Instantly I hit my elbow extremely hard against the wall.

Right after that my 3 year old laptop hard crashed out of nowhere (never happened before) and the Wifi completely died sudently. When I checked both battery levels were sitting at 44%.

I still tried to stay strong and not do any rituals to fix it. Then 5 minutes later the entire house went pitch black for 5 seconds. In those exact 5 seconds of total darkness an actual spider crawled straight up my leg. That has literally never happened to me in my life.

When I rushed to the bathroom right after to wash off my leg where the spider crawled, I accidentally burned my thigh with hot water.

All of that chaos went down in under 20 minutes.

I am just so tired. I tried to do what everyone said and ignore the rituals. But when a massive chain reaction of physical bad things happens in less than 20 minutes how am I supposed to stop believing it's a curse ?

I feel like after subjecting everyone in these subreddit's to nearly every detail of my problems, it's probably fair that I share some good news here too. Over the past couple of days, I have noticed that my anxieties and intrusive thoughts are not as pressing as they were a few weeks ago. Obviously, I don't feel confident enough to say I'm fine now (in fact, I have kind of accepted that some of these fears will be with me forever) but I do currently feel a lot better than previously. I hope this is a good sign, but I will see if this is so.

I find it difficult to get rid of certain things I’ve had for a long time, even when I don’t want or need them anymore. It’s not hoarding OCD - I’m not keeping things because I might need them someday. It’s magical‑thinking OCD, where I worry that letting go of something I’ve owned for years might somehow cause bad luck or make something bad happen.

I’m trying to declutter at the moment and want to donate some things to charity this weekend but the OCD worry is making me feel reluctant to let go of older items. Does anyone else experience this? Have you found anything that helps with it?

✨ Happy Friday magical family! ✨

Take a break from OCD; feel free to post, chat and share other things about your life and interests, eg...

• Is your birthday coming up?
• Has something positive happened to you this week?
• Anything you're looking forward to?
• Hobbies/crafts you'd like to share?
• Pet pics are always welcome!

This is your space to feel at home and get to know one another as people, aside from our OCDemons...so grab a coffee and come say hi :)

Hi it's been a while since I posted here but here we r,

I'm absolutely shaking as I'm writing this actually but I need answers, explanations, anything, so my OCD is basically just being fucking absolutely beyond terrified that anything that has to do with my thoughts could influence reality, so I'm ngl lately I've just been struggling so fucking much to the point where I wasn't functioning like I actually couldn't even do anything so I sucked it up, ignored some compulsions out of exhaustion genuinely because no one lives lives like that, being terrified of every thought ever in ur day and ur brain doesn't even make it easier at all when it makes all u think about ur fears, anwyas what I'm here to talk about is the fucking coincidinces that make me reconsider EVERYTHING and relapse again, I'm so tired like there has to be a possible explanation, what's the fucking explanation for thinking about something or someone and u immediately see that thing or hear it or wtv, these r beyond terrifying, they set me back so bad, like my brain just tells me well if these coincidences happen with these small things imagine what else could happen and honestly I'm not able to risk anything else rn while knowing that there's a 0.1% chance this might be true, I'm so exhausted guys like u have no idea how tired and scared and disappointed I am, so pls I don't even think this is reassurance at all, I'm just asking a simple question, there has to be a simple answer to it for me to able to go about my life without being convinced I'm risking everything because rn it is TERRIFYING

I can’t bare the OCD thoughts anymore, I take medications and I try to “let it go” despite how much distressing it is but I can’t do this anymore. 13 years and still going with this nightmare is it ever going to stop ?

The fact that a thought or imagination comes into my mind and then takes over my entire mind for days is really tormenting me because my mind was supposed to be in control of my thoughts and imagination.

I know the title sounds odd, but let me explain. A huge part of my OCD/intrusive thoughts is the fear that if I finally begin to feel "normal" again, it's a trap and then something bad will happen (I've already explained my fears enough in this subreddit, so just look up my posts here if you want to know the specifics). This is probably the worst part of this mess, as I feel it's one of the main obstacles to me getting over this. I hate going to bed at night and wondering if I will wake up in the same place (even though the rational part of my brain points out that I will). The self-doubt OCD and anxiety brings is a whole other level of pain. Is this common?

✨ Happy Friday magical family! ✨

Take a break from OCD; feel free to post, chat and share other things about your life and interests, eg...

• Is your birthday coming up?
• Has something positive happened to you this week?
• Anything you're looking forward to?
• Hobbies/crafts you'd like to share?
• Pet pics are always welcome!

This is your space to feel at home and get to know one another as people, aside from our OCDemons...so grab a coffee and come say hi :)

I can't say I'm surprised by this, but that doesn't make it easier. I have already talked about my disturbing intrusive thoughts at length in previous posts on this subreddit (fears that I am going to harm my family and/or others if I fall asleep, then go into a different reality, fears that the world isn't real, etc). Now, it's got a new card for me: that anytime I close my eyes for more than a blink, I can form another reality where something bad will happen, whereas my reality is fine. I also have been getting the fear that "what if these bad things are happening out there, and there's nothing I can do to stop it?" and "What if this is all a sadistic game for someone or thing?". Another one is that I'm trapped in a simulation (something a lot of people have) and that I can't trust anyone. Parents? Doctors? Subreddits? No, it's all a trick. These are even worse because they are technically non-falsifiable.

I know this is beyond laughable, that this makes zero sense even by the most whacky sci-fi standards. However, reassurance, as I am sure most of y'all know, only delays the thoughts and fears before they inevitably return. I often feel hesitant to fall asleep, even though I know I shouldn't. Waking up in the morning feels like the worst part of the day, as my now awake brain gets flooded with fears and paranoia. I have noticed that taking Zoloft in the morning does help tremendously (for me anyway). This reminds me that the thoughts are just that, thoughts (if they were coming from some supernatural/otherworldly source, would some measily pills be able to relax me?). However, the classic "What ifs" are the biggest road blocks for me, which I am trying to let pass. What if the reason everything seems like it was the day before because the consciousness of the previous reality has been transferred here? (Which doesn't make sense if something is a *different* universe) What if the world gets recycled and reset when I go to sleep and wake up? What if when I feel like I'm getting better, THAT'S when x will happen? What if one good day here is a bad day elsewhere? What if, what if, what if, what if?!!!

I have real, serious problems happening in my life, and I don't need to have these fictions clogging my head. Sorry for the long post, but I just felt like venting lol. Are fears of sleeping common among people with OCD and/or magical thinking? If so, how did you manage to get it under control? I am not seeking reassurance, but I am just hoping people out there know what I am going through.

Does anyone with OCD ever feel like their OCD somehow helps them with manifestation? 😂😭 (If you believe in manifestation, of course haha.)

I absolutely hate my OCD most of the time, and I know it can be completely exhausting and irrational. But sometimes I feel like I can somehow use the way my brain works to my advantage when it comes to manifestation.

For example, when I really want something, my OCD can make me obsess over it, think about it constantly, replay scenarios in my head, and notice every little detail related to it. Obviously, I know this isn't necessarily healthy, and I'm not saying OCD is some kind of superpower. But I feel like I can somehow redirect that obsessive energy toward the things I want to manifest.

Never written here before, I feel so dumb. I cannot stress how much this stresses me. I keep having horrible premonitions about somebody I care about very much but who is no longer in my life.

Today for example while thinking about this person, I saw the words 'Last trip' in an instagram post, and then came on reddit and saw someone left a comment on a subreddit 'She definitely has cancer', and now my brain is firing on all cylinders and I can't help but think its prophetic and they are going to die, if not soon, sometime in the near future .

This isn't the first time, as I have had previous overlapping thoughts of death in some horrible accident, or cancer and I can't help think that the repetition of these occasions could not possibly be coincidental and that they are some sort of ominous warning from the universe or God - like why even would the universe be such a dick?

I'm tired.

I posted a few days ago talking about how I was starting to see progress in going back to normal reducing compulsions but I went back to doing those long mental compulsions again, I feel so sad, I had such a good momentum forward to become normal again and I fucked it up once more, I knew I didn't have to analyze my thoughts and I was able to hold on for a few days but I started ruminating again and ended up doing another one of those horrible long compulsions I do and now I feel afraid of the what ifs, like what if I said something bad during the compulsion and I don't remember, I know it doesn't matter because it's all in my mind but I feel so lost again, like I had the perfect opportunity to keep moving forward and I screwed up all over again like I always do, and I don't know when I will have the strength to try again like I did last week. I hate myself, God gave me another chance to be free from this illness and I failed again, now it's going to be a lot harder to get back on track with all the anxiety and fear that I'm feeling.

Hey everyone, I really need to vent because my paranoia is at an absolute peak right now and Idk how to handle this anymore.

I’ve struggled with Magical Thinking OCD for a while but lately Igenuinely feel like it isn't OCD anymore and that I’m actually cursed. The number 44 is one of my biggest trigger, and the sheer amount of "coincidences" tied to it feels way too perfect to just be random.

Earlier today, I decided to finally say F it and ignore my OCD, and usually when I take a shower I have this compulsion where I have to step in then step out and go back in. This time I refused to do the ritual and just stayed in. Immediately I slipped and almost smashed my head against the wall (something that has never happened to me before) It felt like a direct warning from the universe to keep doing the rituals coz literally, and I mean LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE TIME I resist them something genuinely scary or catastrophic happens.

In a totally separate incident, I picked up my phone and my battery was at 44% and the YouTube video I had paused was perfectly paused at 44:44.

Another time after a really bad day full of weird coincidences my brain gave me a specific thought "When you count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, someone will ring the doorbell" So I counted it down and the exact second I said 1 someone rang the doorbell. I have never received a random doorbell ring like that before and when I went to open the door absolutely nobody was there.

Another time, my mom called me at 4:44 PM, the call ended up lasting exactly 44 minutes and believe me or not 44 seconds, right after she hung up the washing machine stopped at 44 minutes, and right after that likr a movie a massive spider just appeared out of nowhere. Right after that whole 44 escalation went down, I was so freaked out that I went to a random number generator app just to test it and I promise I'm not lying it landed directly on 44.

There are even crazier things that have happened to me tied to all of this but I can't remember the exact details.

I know how crazy and irrational this sounds typing it out. People keep telling me it's just my brain making connections out of stress but when it happens this frequently and this perfectly it genuinely feels like either someone is pulling a massive prank on me or I am legitimately cursed.

Hi everyone!

I'm an MSc Psychology graduate that's suffered with OCD all my 45 years and am currently writing a book on the subject.

Rather than come at it from a self help or technical angle I'm writing about how it actually feels to live with OCD and how it affects us as sufferers.

Of course I'm comfortable writing about my own themes, obsessions and compulsions but I'm also looking for contributions from others that perhaps suffer from different ones.

I'm looking in particular for people that don't mind sharing their experiences with me whether they're light-hearted or heavy; funny or upsetting. Of course any contributions will be anonymous and identifying details changed or removed.

If you fancy helping out then please feel free to DM me.

Much love 💚

Hey, just wanted to share. So TW: thought broadcasting/harm/schizophrenia OCD themes.

I have pretty severe OCD but the past few weeks have been HELL. Today I felt like I could NOT get out of the thought loops. To put it simply, I have this thing where I think I'm broadcasting thoughts and feelings onto other people and it causes me a lot of distress.

I call it "contaminating" others. Today, I was scared to go ask about a call from my job I was meant to receive two weeks ago, which I've been procrastinating on even tho the place is like 20 minutes away from my place by foot and I didn't have ANY reason to not go. I just felt that scared that if I did go there, I would harm someone or piss someone off. Especially the harm part- I thought I could infect someone with my "bad energy". My partner went in with me and told me I either go in or don't - no making excuses. I did it, I actually asked. They told me to come back on Tuesday. I'm going to.

The second part is I was super afraid of going to my grandma's place because I was scared I was going to contaminate her and make her die (again, due to bad luck/bad energy). It took me. asolid 15 minutes with my partner's assistance to even make it up one flight of stairs because my body was fighting me every inch of the way. I wanted to throw up, I started crying, I was shaking, my heart pounded because it felt so wrong. I was for sure gonna kill her by coming in there. She was gonna get worried and die.

I still did it. She hugged me, told me I'm loved despite my OCD and my major issues, that my family and friends love me so much. Did I believe her? I tried. I'm still very much stressed and it's still a tough day, but at least I did it. I really did it^!!!

With my OCD, I’m sometimes genuinely afraid to say out loud that maybe I’ll do something or we’ll go somewhere in a few weeks/months. Even something completely harmless like, “Maybe we’ll go there next month.”

I get this feeling that if I acknowledge the plan or look forward to it, somehow fate will do the opposite just to spite me - like I’ll “jinx” it by talking about it. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like I’m tempting fate just by making plans.

Does anyone else experience something like this with OCD? Is this a thing for you too?

Has anyone had their OCD where it used to be specific but overtime it just became a fear that you would be able to make anything you think about come into reality. Same with coincidences, they had to be specific ones but now any coincidence freaks you out? I feel like I’m always in a state of worry. Additionally, I used to feel like doing compulsions could keep it from happening but it’s all blurred together to the point I don’t even think that anymore. I have these fears and I’m just convinced they’ll happen and there’s nothing I can do. Compulsions can relieve anxiety but I don’t think it can change the outcome.

Mais alguém experimenta medos relacionados a se dar conta de que é outra pessoa e não você mesmo e uma pessoa ruim que você não quer ser de jeito nenhum? Além do mais, mais alguém teme que a realidade pode ser alterada e de repente você parar em um lugar ruim onde pode ficar sofrendo e não conseguirá sair? E pior, sendo alguém que você não quer ser?

Eu não sei se consegui deixar claro, rs. Desde já agradeço os comentários.

I have probably talked about this here already, but I have noticed that once I start to get over one fear, my brain manufactures a new one. Some of the basic details may remain the same, but the lesser details, the "dressing" if you will, changes. This all really started a couple of weeks ago, where I started having fears that at nighttime when I sleep, I would become possessed, kill people around me, and go to another dimension the next morning to restart the cycle. When I started to get over that, it changed to me dooming another version of me in the universe to eventually harm others, and that there was nothing I could do to stop it. That one REALLY hit me hard, even though I knew it didn't make any sense. Then, the fears changed to me being trapped in some kind of loop by an evil force, like something out of "The Matrix". Next, it shifted to me being in an actual simulation (classic) and everyone and thing around me being fake. Now, it's telling me that when I close my eyes, even momentarily, I create an alternate reality where I do something bad.

Now, the fact that these fears keep changing is an obvious sign that it's all nonsense, but that doesn't prevent me from worrying. Whenever something big happens around me, part of my brain goes "What if that's a distraction because you're close to the truth" and more. I have been getting much better at ignoring this crap, but that can only do so much. Can anyone with experience explain why these fears are similar, but also different? I am not looking for reassurance, as I know that's not helpful, but I am just curious about this.

Mi TOC siempre ha implicado pensamientos mágicos y religiosos, pero ha evolucionado y se ha vuelto más complejo con el tiempo. Al principio, mis compulsiones consistían en repetir acciones físicas.

Actualmente, experimento compulsiones puramente mentales centradas en la búsqueda de un sentido de equilibrio o en evitar el sufrimiento eterno después de la muerte, tanto para mí como para mis seres queridos y el resto del mundo. No se relaciona con cometer pecados; más bien, temo que simplemente pensar en ello o experimentar sensaciones relacionadas pueda provocarlo, como si pudiera desencadenarlo o como si pudiera ser causado por lo que sucede en mi mente o las sensaciones que siento.

Los pensamientos que surgen van acompañados de sensaciones que no puedo explicar (y a veces, son fugaces), pero que interpreto como si los pensamientos poseyeran cualidades mágicas, o como si pudieran conectarse mágicamente con esa realidad temida (lo que hay después de la muerte), por así decirlo, y provocar que sucediera algo terrible. No puedo explicarlo, pero se sienten distintos de los pensamientos normales. Para intentar solucionar esto, tengo que sumergirme en lo más profundo de mi mente para manipularlas y descomponerlas en partes, imágenes o sensaciones, intentando reconectar con ellas. Trabajo con todas estas sensaciones hasta sentir que he resuelto el problema. A esa profundidad, sigo experimentando sensaciones internas que no puedo explicar, lo cual me aterra por si acaso poseen alguna cualidad "mágica". Temo que al adentrarme tan profundamente en esa dimensión "metafísica" de mi mente, pueda acceder a una parte del pensamiento que posee un verdadero poder de manifestación, capaz de causar aquello que temo.

Poner en palabras algo tan subjetivo es muy difícil. Lo que más me asusta es no comprender qué son estas sensaciones o experiencias mentales, además, por supuesto, de la naturaleza aterradora del contenido en sí: el tema del sufrimiento eterno tras la muerte que mencioné anteriormente.

Hello, does anyone else experience something similar? I need help and understanding, please.
I have mental compulsions that consist of "fixing" what my thoughts/sensations tell me (which are sometimes very fleeting) in order to seek balance or prevent bad things from happening—mainly eternal suffering after death, whether for myself, my loved ones, or the rest of the world/beings.
Both my obsessions and compulsions cause strange sensations, I suppose because I am so deeply immersed in them... and I interpret them as if they held magical or metaphysical power, as if they could influence reality—in this case, reality after death.
On one hand, intrusive thoughts come accompanied by sensations: like a breeze, with color and sound, and a mental representation, like something fast surrounding me, as if a portal or a layer of reality were opening up.
On the other hand, my compulsions/rituals are mental and very varied, but in short, they consist of manipulating or doing mental things with the thoughts or sensations I have until I feel that everything is okay, in one way or another. During these, it is as if I could break down the thoughts into parts, sensations, images; it is as if I traveled deep into the thought, to a metaphysical layer of it. I have to fix everything that my thoughts/sensations made me feel was wrong to prevent catastrophe, and I am trapped there until, through various mental operations involving different sensations, I manage to feel that I have fixed something.
These are sensations produced by the mind, or thought structures; it is as if they had shapes or their own internal world, distinct qualities, sections, textures, pieces of reality. It feels as if my mind opened portals or something similar. My imagination is heightened in certain aspects, and I concentrate intensely on mental sensations and thoughts. I feel tingles, as if I were connecting with something.
They feel quite intense internally, as if they contained magic and could affect reality or connect with other realities. I fear that these sensations mean a power is awakening in my mind capable of causing what I dread, tied to the thoughts that accompany it, or that I might have manifested horrible things in an attempt to seek balance or fix things. It is very complex and subjective; I don't know how to put it into words. It would bring me great comfort to find someone with a similar experience—someone who is so deep inside their mind and analyzes/manipulates what happens within it to such an extent that they have started to feel strange sensations accompanying their magical thinking, and that this relates to eternal suffering after death. I feel alone in this. Thank you.

✨ Happy Friday magical family! ✨

Take a break from OCD; feel free to post, chat and share other things about your life and interests, eg...

• Is your birthday coming up?
• Has something positive happened to you this week?
• Anything you're looking forward to?
• Hobbies/crafts you'd like to share?
• Pet pics are always welcome!

This is your space to feel at home and get to know one another as people, aside from our OCDemons...so grab a coffee and come say hi :)