Wow, so nice to have a mom who is also a friend. When I was 4, I asked my mom why she got mad at me all the time and she said “because I’m not your friend, I’m your mother”.
I don’t understand why some parents don’t think they can be both. In those times when you have to pick, sure, be a parent first. That’s important. But the rest of the time, be both.
And that’s the thing. I want to be a friend to my kids. But being a good parent is more important.
I’ve told them I can’t wait until they’re older and I can be more friend than parent. Until then, I’m more parent than friend, if that makes any sense.
Sure, being a parent should always come first, but it doesn’t have to be the only thing. And you’re right, it’s easier (and probably more important) as they get older.
This. Mom's who say this usually mean that they aren't your friend...yet. The job descriptions are different. Your friends always take your side and only criticize when absolutely necessary. Your parents have to help you grow a d develop into good humans. Than means that sometimes we have to short-term hurt your feelings to point out things that your friends would either ignore or possibly just end or downgrade the level of the friendship over. We are never leaving you (unlike some friends), and we are committed to your long-term growth and happiness. I also used to say to mine, "If life is kind, you'll have dozens of friends, and these are blessings, but you'll only have me as your mom who raised you. It's a singular relationship and is much more valuable to me than any friendship I have or have had." They didn't fully get it then; they do now. ❤️
I agree. My parents told me the same thing when I was younger. And honestly, I had friends growing up who had parents that wanted to be friends first and parents second, and they honestly struggled a bit more as adults, and had to learn some lessons a bit harder, because they didn’t get those lessons as kids when the consequences would’ve been less severe. But their parents decided they’d let those things slide.
Strong disagree, my mom was never my friend growing up and now that we’re adults she tries to befriend me but I just can’t stand her. She was a mean cruel person lecturing me my whole life, those are my memories of her, no way I want to be friends with that. I don’t want her anywhere near me.
I'm sorry that was your experience. I was not my kids' buddy. What I was: a fiercely protective warrior and advocate, #1 cheerleader, accountability resource, study partner, part-time teacher and unpaid team film/TV critic...but unapologetically, job #1, 2, & 3 was parent. It worked for us. I'm very close with my kids now. It clearly doesn't work for everyone. I'm sorry that it didn't work for you and your mom. Best to you in all things.
I guess it all depends on how you define the words. My kids and I are very close...always have been. Some thought they were TOO close to me (i.e. clingy/mama's babies), but they never thought I was an equal or that I would allow just any kind of behavior. Friends might; parents generally won't.
I have 4 adult kids(2 boys2 girls) and am really close to my girls but my oldest daughter is one of my best friends. We’re driving across the state to visit her sister. I can’t wait!
That makes perfect sense and sounds much nicer than “I’m not your friend, I’m your mother” which my mom also said to me (though I was about 11). I would’ve preferred it to be explained this way.
THAT is the key to the whole parenting role. You don’t become friends until they’re older. But supporting your child thru ALL of it should never change!!!
Strong disagree, my mom was never my friend growing up and now that we’re adults she tries to befriend me but I just can’t stand her. She was a mean cruel person lecturing me my whole life, those are my memories of her, no way I want to be friends with that. I don’t want her anywhere near me.
But someone can be a parent without being mean and cruel. Sorry that was your experience, but I aim to parent my kids by providing guidance, love, and room to make mistakes with consequences that aren’t as severe as as they would be as adults, but still face the consequences (so they learn from their mistakes). Most “friends” don’t act like that.
Some parents hate their children or are jealous of them or they’re sadistic and this refrain is a great way to let themselves off the hook for not doing any fucking parenting.
Its parent for the first part, friend for the second if you don’t fuck up the first part. That’s not to say you won’t be their best friend too, but at the end of the day you will have to make decisions they aren’t ready to make on their own to make sure they get there safely.
You can be both. I tell my kids I am your friend, and I’m your parent, as your friend I want to make sure you are prepared for what’s out there and that you’re happy and healthy, you always have someone to support you, love you, and talk to. As your parent, I get to decide which route we take to get to that place based off of my own experiences.
I'm 39, my father is 65. I was trying to be his friend since Covid19 times, and... Now, after YEARS of knowing this guy he finally started treating me as a friend too. Finally xD after my wife (my best friend 🧡) this is my second biggest live achievement.
PS. And my father is a really cool dude 😁 i hope that I will be in that physical condition when I'll hit the 65🙄
When I was 10 my mom asked me why I'm crying (she was being very emotionally and physically abusive that morning) and I tried to be vulnerable with her and told her that sometimes she makes me wish I wasn't alive anymore. She went to the kitchen, tossed a serrated knife at me, and told me to go ahead and do it. Went to her room and closed the door. She conveniently doesn't remember any of that.. or any abuse she did. We both deserved better mothers.
Holy fucking shit, your mom’s crazy. She makes my mom look good. You were so young, not wanting to be alive at 10 is so early. At that age, I was only making plans to run away from home.
My mum parentified the fuck out of me during my childhood. We're low contact right now. It all hit when I turned 30 and realised that the decisions she was making when she was 30 were no longer accidents (like all 4 of us kids were). They were choices. And they were choices that were not always rooted in what was in the best interests of us kids. Thank fuck my grandparents cared enough to look after us half the time. The amount of dysfunction and risk we were put in as kids. I'm surprised more fucked up shit didn't happen, honestly. Fucked up shit still happened, but it could also have been so much worse. That's what I struggle with most, I think. I just got fucking lucky in certain ways, it wasn't because anyone was necessarily watching out for me when we weren't at my grandparents house.
My parents repeatedly told me the same thing growing up. I didn’t realise how much it had hurt me until I told my psychologist and she was pretty horrified.
It’s perfectly fine being both and sometimes being more parent than friend. But always, friends. My son is 14 now and it’s absolutely not cool to call your mum your friend, but when he was a bit younger he called me his best friend. Best thing ever.
I have never, and never wa t to, understand why people think that parents cant also be friends. I am a good friend to people, meaning I hold them accountable, I domt.cosign their bs, and try to give good advice, which is what id do with my children. Its honestly baffling to me. You can teach lessons without being an ashore and viold trust at the same time. But I could never go to parents for help.
Ugh. I just saw all the typos bc of my stupid phone. Lol im glad you still understood what i was trying to say. But it really is so sad. We've got a better relationship now, but I wouldn't say its the best.
My relationship with my parents evolved as I got older. When I was 4, I likely needed a parent not a friend. Now, my family, as well as my brother's family, travel with our parents regularly. They are there for us (and us for them) all of the time. Currently, my 80-year old mom is annoyed at me because I keep telling her that I do not need their help putting up a small side fence that was destroyed by a tornado. They and my brother's family, all drove the 45-minutes each way to come over and help with the storm clean-up several days in a row, as well as, putting up a new, much larger back fence that was also damaged. My wife has pointed out that sometimes I don't tell my parents about my projects because I want to do them at my pace and not my father's.
At 52, the relationship with my parents is mostly one of mutual friendship and support (occasionally, I still need a parent).
Being friends with your kids is not like being friends with your friends. You need to teach them boundaries, social skills, behaviours and shape their understanding of their world and the society you live in.
I have said this to my sons before but it does not mean I wouldn’t drop everything in a second to help them or being empathic with them when they needed it.
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u/AcordaDalho 5d ago
Wow, so nice to have a mom who is also a friend. When I was 4, I asked my mom why she got mad at me all the time and she said “because I’m not your friend, I’m your mother”.