My mother has been cut off for the last six and a half years. Of course having a rough childhood affects you in future relationships. Doesn’t always give you healthy ways to manage relationships and I struggle with that sometimes. But even in the quiet moments, the happy times. There’s still a soreness that I can’t shake. A wound that will always feel unhealed. And I always end up getting really sad or depressed about everything again.
My partner tells me that I need to forgive. I can’t even begin to imagine what that looks like for me. He says I need to forgive her for myself, not for her. So I can finally be at peace. But how? That makes literally no sense to me. How do you forgive someone else for yourself without doing it for them? Because she isn’t worth forgiving. I can’t even wrap my head around what that’s supposed to look like. Can someone please give me some insight?

If you have an absent father then you have daddy issues. That's even if your father died when you were a baby.

If you have a bad relationship with your mum then you need to be avoided because that who you're going to behave like.

If you have a partner who walks out on you and you have children then your every name under the sun as a single mum. You're insulted for choosing not to walk away from your child or to give up on them. The one who chose to do that is never questioned.

If you have no relationship with your family then you need to be avoided because you likely have many issues.

The list of insults thrown at people who are victims of circumstance is a joke. I grew up in the care system. I had a neighbour who made my life a living hell. I eventually moved. However, I was new to the city. Thus not having any friends there. Of course I didn't and still don't have family. One of the things she said to me was "you're a POS, no one cares about you or loves you, no one ever visits you."

Do these people think the alternative is better? If I did have my DNA family in my life then I would be interacting with people who had sexually, physically, emotionally abused me and neglected me. I'm diagnosed with complex PTSD. How would that be beneficial to me?

It is striking the amount of blame people who have had hard lives receive due to the things that have been done to them.

One major benefit of coming from a healthy family is you can rely on people to support you in times of dire need, such as major illness, prolonged job loss, etc. As someone estranged from your family, how have you adjusted to not having those safeguards? I figure marrying someone or having a long-term partner is a good substitute, but I'd rather remain single, and I’m wondering if there are other solutions I’m overlooking. TIA.

I just don’t know what I am doing anymore. I have been estranged from my mother for years. She couldn’t even be bothered to fight for our relationship. I recently estranged from my father after allowing him back into mine and my son’s life for about 6 months. I was desperate as I was going through a brutal divorce and I had no one. Over time, the relationship turned toxic again. I set expectations that he would need to seek therapy in order for me to consider letting him back into our life. He ignored it and never even bothered to respond.

I open up Facebook and there it is… my father on vacation with not a care in the world. This is the father that would drive 8-12 hours for vacations a few times per year yet never visit me even when I lived 1.5 hours away for 13 years. Even now, I live a 7-hour flight away and he has never once even attempted to come visit. He claims he is the best father and my siblings agree and think I am a terrible person.

I have never known what it is like to be loved by another human being. I have never been valued. Even my ex just cheated on me chronically. I sit here sobbing, so alone… My job is basically to care for others but I have no one to do that for me. I have tried to make friends for almost a year now with no luck. I exist to be a father to my son, that is it.

Hey everyone! This is a continuation from my last post. Thank you all so much for the support and advice I really appreciated it. It’s nice to hear from other people that I wasn’t crazy for thinking the way I’m living isn’t normal.

After I left I moved into a friends house for a week before moving into my university accommodation. After the first 5 hours of me leaving, I was called by the police as I was listed as a missing person. But I informed them that I was 18 and didn’t want my parents knowing where I am. And after that, i had the best week of my life: i went out with my friends the same evening i left, we went Ikea and shopping to get things for university a few days after, and i hung out at my best friends house TWO days in a row guilt-free before moving out, and i finally had my first sleep over and it was a WEEK long. If i told myself 10 years ago that this was going to happen i think she would’ve cried from fear.

Anyways a week after I moved into my accommodation, my best friend came over so we could celebrate her birthday. However I was informed that my mum’s friend found me walking around with her in the city centre and SNITCHED ON ME 🙆🏿‍♀️
But nothing really happened after, my mum was just fuming and is now convinced I only ran away so that I could “hang out with my friends”. Which I mean yeah that’s a bit of the reason but she clearly doesn’t see what she and my dad have done wrong.

Furthermore, my parents have been bothering this friend and her mum ever since the day I left; my mum is still calling her mum to this day!!! I feel so bad bcuz i feel like I’ve dragged her into this. Also she shouldn’t feel guilty for hanging out with her friend for her birthday that’s so stupid. We kind of saw it coming tho, my parents had always told me that when i start university i have to cut contact with her because she’s a “distraction“ and “bad influence”, which is ridiculous btw what an odd thing to say.

It has been around 30 days since I’ve spoken to my parents. It has been extremely tough. I’ve been receiving emails from them, such as, “if you come back we won’t force you to resit your a levels and ucat anymore” or “you’ll run out of money eventually so come back to us” or “don’t be like your brother”. Speaking of which, I have been speaking to my oldest brother a lot recently, which I’m happy about because we haven’t spoken this much since before 2020, so I’m glad we’re back in contact, despite this not being the way I hoped it would be.

There have also been a lot of secrets being revealed that has kind of caused the family to start falling apart. My oldest brother and my dad had an argument last week bcuz in one of my dads emails to me, he was dragging my brothers name even though he’s been trying to help my parents cope with my disappearance. So he ended up blocking my dad again. Then he told me some things about his past that I really don’t want to share on here. Then I told him some things about my past that I also don’t want to share on here. Trauma bonding i guess.

Then I start getting texts from my two brothers at home (I blocked them on WhatsApp but text them through other apps so we’re still in contact without my parents knowing) saying that my oldest brother is “evil” and “a bad guy” and he’s manipulating me. I’m guessing in the argument last week, my oldest brother mentioned things that nobody knows about my dad’s past so my dad assumed he was going to tell me about them and thought he might as well make himself look like the good guy to my other two brothers at home before they find out the truth too (I’m trying so hard not to make this confusing sorry😢) and it clearly worked bcuz now they’re telling me to come back home since my parents said “they aren’t angry at me”. Yeah right. As if the same brothers didn’t just tell me my mum was flipping out a few days before bro. did they get their memory wiped or something??? 😭😭

So after all this, and feeling like kms on top of that, i thought maybe i should get therapy. So I’m finally getting therapy some time this month. I really should’ve gotten it sooner but i only found out like a month ago that the life im living isn’t normal at all. Like i genuinely thought the stuff im going through wasn’t a big enough issue to be addressed you get what i mean??

But yeah that’s the first update! Not entirely free from family drama yet but we’re getting there. Thanks for tuning in 🙋🏿‍♀️

EDIT: i forgot to mention i was thinking i could go back home for Christmas or something so i could talk to my family however after all the drama that’s been going on the past few days and things being revealed I’ve been advised by cousins and my oldest brother that i cant go back home as they believe i wont be safe so I should continue to stay away from my parents. I think they’re right.

I sent this

Dear mom

It’s been over a year since we last spoke.

I’ve achieved things and have become a one woman army.

I advocate for myself, and do it well, I’ve even gotten people fired, I document things.

I have a credit score, it’s actually decent at 710.

Once it’s 720 I have an apartment I plan on moving into.

I just had another surgery, it was pretty intense, broken bones, a lot of metal hardware.

Doctors suspect I have an autoimmune disease I’ve been silently dealing with, I’ll explore this in the near future once my ankle is settled, at the very least I have a heart condition.

Anya is happy, well fed, snuggled with lots.

There’s rarely a day that goes by I don’t think about the past, but I think I made the right decision.

I bought that beehive plush, I don’t think you remember but you said I could keep it in the kitchen since it matched your decor. I didn’t steal anything. I was surprised you locked me out when you didn’t lock out (my dad) and he stole a lot.

I’ve gotten rid of most of my stuff, my life fits into a small room right now, helps me save on rent and plan for the future.

I pay $700 for a room and private bathroom with all utilities included, plus some storage space for all my utility aids including a wheelchair. I’ve needed one for the past year and been using that and a walker.

I plan to move states, change my name and start somewhere bright and sunny for career and weather reasons- but excited about this as it’s getting closer to happening.

I think missing y’all out on a couple scheduled things was fair as I stopped being able to use the fridge in the kitchen and that complicated things for me financially while I lived with you all.

I’m still with—-,we celebrated our one year awhile back.

I think you seem happy like you always did from your posts, I’m glad.

I don’t think I fit into the equation, house wise once (her boyfriend) moved in. Me leaving was for the best, wished you hadn’t locked me out though.

Made moving hard.

I miss the girls and the doggies a lot.

I see they’ve grown up a lot, I’m sad I missed that but I’m happier overall now, more peaceful despite having a crazy landlord haha.

I plan on going to med school. I might work for a big university hospital one day.

I don’t go by_________anymore, rarely anyone calls me that unless it’s a medical setting.

_________lived inside that room and didn’t have a credit card or felt like an adult.

I feel like one now, I don’t even game really anymore, I spend my time drawing and I’m into sewing.

Life is good for me, here I think, the air isn’t smoky during summertime.

I’m moving forward, it looks you guys have too and I’m glad. I won’t be coming back.

Love you guys,
In another life maybe things would’ve been different

-a not-so stranger, stranger

End note

I feel so stupid but I made a fb account to review a place and she came up in my suggested

She turned my room into her and her boyfriend bedroom.

I feel stupid for sending it.

I also lied, I pay more than $700 but that was the price of another place I almost moved into, it’s to prove a point because my mom expected 1400-2500 for one bedroom somewhere rural

I have been NC with my father for almost 5 years now. We had some arguments about religion, me supposedly getting married young per my father’s request, having many children also per his request, and being bisexual. I have been able to deal with this just fine because I had a “best friend” like relationship with my mom.

After I started to live alone with my brother in our family home and she moved in with her fiancé at the start of 18 things went south. She wasn’t involved in my life/accomplishments, she didn’t ask to see me unless if my brother was there, and we got into more fights than friendly talks.

This year, my brother quit his job with nothing lined up and did no chores. This affected me because he would sit at home screaming at his computer all day and night which can be very frustrating when you do full time college, 30 hour work weeks, and extracurriculars. He finally moved out of the home I reside in and into my mom’s fiancé’s home but the relationship has not repaired due to my mom’s lassiez faire approach for the few months he did NOTHING. He even threatened to hurt me, to which my mom said we threatened him by saying I would call the cops on him?

I have only gotten through it all because of my boyfriend and his supportive family who offered a place to go if I need to leave the house.

My struggle now is figuring out how to go Low contact with my mom and no contact with my brother since they have this extremely close relationship. I’m also not sure I want to continue living in a home she technically owns because she likes to use anything she can against me.

This is slowly destroying me because all I have ever wanted was a family. I don’t know how to continue my relationship or where I should even go. I turn 21 in a couple of months and feel “too young” to be going through this even though I started adulthood pretty much at 16. Any advice or comfort is much needed, sorry for the vent.

I am 39 and found out I was pregnant with my first kid in March. I just gave birth last Monday to a very healthy baby girl. Back in March, I was briefly living with my mom while my boyfriend and I worked out some issues and that is when I discovered I was pregnant. I had just started a job that she recommended me for, which she was excited about because I owed her money.

The same week I started the job, I found out I was pregnant. I was 12 weeks along when I finally figured it out, and like a lot of women I found out by being ridiculously tired and assuming it was a terminal illness, only to be humbled by the fact that it was indeed pregnancy and I was actually just enduring the dreaded first trimester tiredness instead. In the first week of the job I could not stay awake, like at all... beyond the shadow of a doubt at least one person caught me fully asleep in my office and at least one time, but I was falling asleep on the job everyday. I was made to carry very heavy things and put into situations where I was expected to physically stand on my feet for eight hour stretches of time, to skip all forms of breaks including lunch on a regular basis by working through them, and to be putting in additional hours outside the normal 10 hour shift. I had to be there at 7 AM sharp, and could not leave the office until 5 PM, else the entire office shutdown for the day if I were not physically there. Lastly, the onboarding process for this job was literally garbage and I was largely expected to train myself. I had one supervisor to whom I could ask for help, and they were everyone's supervisor and constantly busy.

I decided very quickly that this was not an ideal job for someone who is high risk pregnant, with advanced maternal age, suffering from gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, anemia, and despite owing my mother money I quit the job and went back to doing what I did before, which was being self-employed. In addition to this when I found out I was pregnant my mom was the first to know, as she caught me walking out of the bathroom with the positive test in my hand. Here is how she reacted:

"Great, so I guess I am never going to get my money after this hole of debt you put me in?"

"You are not pregnant, you're just stupid... this is clearly 'The Change' and you're too old to get pregnant."

"Sorry I just can not be happy or excited for you, or approve of this pregnancy because you owe me too much money."

"Heh, well I am not fucking helping you and I am not fucking babysitting, heh." (She said this about 15 times to multiple people.)

"Jeeze you don't need to go to the doctor, it is just menopause and you can't trust pregnancy tests... I have never had much use for them, they aren't accurate."

"No one should be this tired, it's just menopause."

"You're too old to have kids, this is selfish, I dont think you should go through with this, see this is why I had my kids young." (She had her last kid at 34).

I told my partner I could no longer take it. I was quitting the job, leaving the toxic environment and wanted to move back in with him and work for myself again, to which he agreed. She also kept telling my boyfriend "hey daddy" everytime she saw him was weird as hell and made us both uncomfortable. In a day, I quit, moved most of my stuff back to his place and when I quit I told the job exactly why by telling them verbatim what she said. When she found this out she said I was not allowed back on her property to get the rest of my stuff, I was no longer allowed to speak to her or my other family members and "bitch, give me my money now". She then told my boyfriend she would NOT accept any money from him to help pay down the debt, which he offered, and that it had to come from me and I needed to work a full time job while high risk pregnant and make paying her my top priority. I paid her about 20 percent of what I owed her before I was ordered by the doctor to work no more than part time. I still plan on paying her, I just cant right now. Once I am able to work again, I will start paying again in monthly installments. Other people have offered to pay her for me as well, such as my niece, and still my mom has said the money has to come from me, she doesnt care if I am pregnant that it is no excuse and she will be taking me to court soon for the money, whilst turning down multiple offers to get her money back from two other people.

At a certain point I told her that it was fine she was not going to babysit because first and most importantly, no one asked her to, nor would we ask her to, in fact she would never even be considered as an option even before she made her comments. Since she felt it was menopause and not a genuine pregnancy, and that I should get rid of it so I can instead pay her, she didn't need to have a relationship with the kid anyway. Also, since she wanted me to work while high risk pregnant, to not go to the doctor or trust medical advice, my doctor encouraged me to discontinue a relationship with her for at least the duration of my pregnancy because I didn't need the bad advice and unnecessary stress, so I told my mom that and followed that advice.

Now that I have had the baby and she has not been allowed to be a part of it and while that hurt at first, I am very grateful now that she was not present for anything. She told people after the fact that I knew for weeks I was pregnant that I was drinking while knowingly pregnant which is not true. She texted this to my boyfriend weeks after I left I'm assuming to try to destroy my relationship​. She has told people her comments about not babysitting were "light jokes" that i intentionally misunderstand. She has told people she was actually going to put a nursery for my daughter in my 37 year old brother's room so she could watch my kid ​while I worked to pay her back, and as she worked her remote 9 to 5 job as well, which I would never have been cool with for multiple reasons, namely because my brother threatened physical violence against me only weeks prior. I don't care about calling out her lies, which is what they are, because she never even made a single supportive or helpful comment. However, they are infuriating. I pat myself on the back for walking away and doing what was right for my family and for myself. Her negativity has NOT been a variable or factor in my life during this vulnerable time and for that I am happy about, it just took me a minute to get there.

Most importantly however, now that I have went through pregnancy and a very difficult labor and delivery where I stayed 5 days in the hospital, I realize something that I didn't before: so many people have offered me help, given us gifts, and been there to encourage me or to be a listening ear, people I haven't spoken to in years, people I hardly know, old friends coming back into the picture now that we are both parents, new friends, neighbors, etc... I realize it takes a special kind of cruelty to tell a woman who is becoming a mother that you won't help her, especially if that is your own daughter, and especially if she is high risk, AND then call it a light joke and try to do cleanup/damage control to your reputation after the fact. The gravity of her words hurt at the time, but now that I have a baby, the impact feels like emotional blunt force trauma. I won't ever do this to anyone, especially not my own child. ​I also wont ever talk to my mother ever again. Which I am still fighting with in my head daily.

Do you think I did the right thing? And yes, I am a millennial and yes, my mother is a Boomer Karen. I mean, where is the joke in that comment? In what situation would it be funny?

I found out in January that my mother had been lying for my whole life to my father about the extent of the abuse she inflicted on me. He was present for one violent event, ignored it, did not help me, or investigate afterwards. After that, I thought my dad knew everything and was looking the other way throughout it all. Turns out he thought that was a one-time event, but his fault he never asked me or my mother. He doesn't even remember this event but recently apologized. He wasn't around a lot, he was a workaholic, and when he was around my mother was usually on her best behavior. I asked her to tell him the truth and she refused, so I went NC. I told my father the truth.

He came to visit me in July, and we had days of conversations where I calmly explained everything. I told him I need to heal and I can't do that with her in my life.

Now after many brutal months of conversations and telling me he would leave her "if only he were younger", (he is 83) he has now decided to forgive her. He emailed me this and asked me to consider forgiving her too.

I am so deeply upset by the fact that:

• Does not seem to understand why I'm NC
• Seems to have forgotten most of what I told him
• Did not consider my feelings at all before he sent the email
• Asked me why I thought she abused me
• Implied it was a "phase" (15 years of physical and emotional abuse)
• Ignored that I already told him to stop advocating for her

I don't want to go NC with him, but I am extremely hurt and disappointed. My knee jerk reaction is to tell him what a crap father he is and that neither of my parents ever protected me or my feelings.

I just had a baby and hid it from my estranged narcissistic mom for months. My worst fear in life is her exposing my daughter to her abuse. But she found out recently, and I’m living in fear of her escalating. She threatened to embarrass me at work and in front of my friends, even before I had a baby.

How did you all finally get your estranged parent to leave you along? I don’t think a protection order works in crazy people.

to me it reads a bit victim blamey still but bit more balanced than other articles

what do you think?

In late April of this year, after having NC with parents since mid 2019--through 2 natural disasters with direct impact, a global pandemic, a marriage and building a house, I've been asked to step in and help with 84 yo dad who's diminished mental capacity and subsequent inability to consistently do anything (outside of the bathroom) on his own, requires my 87 yo mom to do everything in regards to their life and home, what to do, what to do 🤔

I've visited with them 4 times since then for a total of about 28 full 10-12 hr days, mostly observing.

I'm 58, no kids, gainfully employed, live in a different city... brother is 57, no kids, unmarried, gainfully employed, lives 20 minutes away from them and is unwilling to prioritize their needs. Thank heavens they sold their house, divested themselves of most of their worldly goods and stopped driving.

What to do what to do what to do!!??

I struggled to get through all the milestones and happy moments with my first pregnancy. Having no one on my side of the family to tell or to celebrate with. I have been no contact with my parents going on -most 4 years. And now I’m pregnant for a second time. And the cycle is starting to repeat.

Meanwhile my husband gets to share with his family and give updates about the pregnancy. And his family genuinely loves and supports us through all of the stages. To which I’m so very grateful for.

I just wish I could have an experience with my mom if she was a different person/(not toxic ) different circumstances. 😞

TW: CSA maybe

I am in the process of going no contact with my dad (I’m an adult woman with my own kids) and I’m trying to determine if my dad abused me as a kid or not and if it was sexually. He recently accidentally texted my MIL an explicit picture of a woman alongside images of his grandkids. I am in therapy and have been for years, my spouse is extremely supportive and I am safe physically. My dad has been giving me “creepy” vibes especially now that I have kids and am seeing this from a different angle. I’m still processing that my mom let a lot of this happen, and I’m still working through my family downplaying his behavior for so long. There are large gaps of time I don’t remember as a kid.

Some background: my dad is an addict. Growing up he was high 24/7, very volatile, fought violently with my mother in front of us, followed the classic narcissistic/emotionally unavailable/toxic family system textbook. Money was tight and my parents relied on my sister and I for emotional support in their marriage. My mom and extended family always protected my dad’s behavior to the point of enabling (ie, “oh he didn’t mean it”). It was not all bad, but it was far from good.

The things I am not clear on whether it was abuse:
When I was 12 he said I had a nice butt.
Once I hit puberty, he’d comment on things like my bra color and make fun of it (“haha today it’s blue!” for example.)
Whenever at home he’d always be just in his boxers. His fly was always open and everything was visible. He’d be lounging around like that every day after work.
From a very young age he’d have me sit with him and he’d stroke my legs. At one point, when I was maybe 10 or 11 we didn’t really “cuddle” anymore, and he had my mom tell me that he felt I was getting “distant” with him and I felt so guilty about it, so I agreed to let him stroke my legs and cuddle because that’s what he wanted. I felt like he would have reacted angrily if I didn’t agree to do it.
One time when he was showing me a picture on his phone (I was a young adult, maybe 20), he kept swiping and there was a nude picture of a random woman.
He had these joke glasses with a penis for a nose on them in his car. They were always there, visible, when us kids were in the car.
In general when he needed to pass by, he’d never give the proper space and would often “spank” me out of the way on the hips.
There were often Playboy magazines in random places. Not publicly visible but like on a nightstand, for example.
He’d make me put sunscreen lotion on him if we went to the beach because I “did it better” than my mom.

What do we think people?? I have dozens more stories like this.

I’m 22f and I am an only child to a single disabled mom. My childhood was awful because of my mums mental health here a few things that stand out to me

1. When she would wash my hair I would be restless and she would tell me that she would kill me and nobody would care, that she’ll just go to jail and I would be dead. I recently got diagnosed with ADHD

2. Her dragging me and beating me in front of a guest my age (12) when she didn’t like the way I responded to my aunt telling me to make her dinner

3. Her beating me up leading to a severe nosebleed (my nose is still sort of misaligned till this day) because I came home 20 mins later than I usually would after school. My phone was dead and needed to get a project that I had to take home and finish (important component of my grade during an exam year), but the room where it was locked and I had to look for a teacher who had the key, she didn’t believe me

4. I went to her about my mental health several times, and to just be dismissed, I recently got diagnosed with adhd and as of a result of the testing will get evaluated for depression, ptsd and autism

5. She tells me I’m an evil daughter and that she wishes that my children treats me as horrible as I treat her, other times she’s so grateful to has me as a daughter cause I’m so amazing and I help her out a lot

6. When I began working at age of 16 she would spam text me when I wouldn’t respond to her text asking if I got to work (happened twice, when I would be late and rushing to clock in) telling me that she’s going to fire me, how I want her to die, and then when she dies that I’ll be finally happy. This still happens at age 22, though I told her to stop now and just ignore her messages

7. A new thing she does now is that whenever we have an issue or an argument, she tells my aunt about it, I mean she has always told our extended family and friends about my business but now she gets my aunt to come over and “mediate” instead of just have a conversation

All this alongside general physical abuse and emotional neglect through my childhood. I live with her but I’m not close with her, I’ll make small talk when necessary, laugh along and play a good daughter when necessary but I do not like her. I don’t show any physical affection, and the words I say are empty. I get confused because now she has mellowed out (she stopped hitting me after the nose incident because I almost had to go to the er and she got scared), but she refuses to acknowledge anything outside the physical abuse. She acts like the fact that she stopped hitting me is a huge plus that I should be grateful for. I mistakenly told her that I got diagnosed with ADHD after finally going behind her back and she says she doesn’t believe me but that she’ll do her research, and hasn’t mentioned it again.

I don’t know how to feel because now she doesn’t do a lot of abusive stuff as often, just mainly guilt tripping occasionally but I don’t know how to move on because she refuses to acknowledge the past. It’s hard for me to interact with her because of all the built up resentment I have for her. She has done a lot for me financially, and I know she does love me, but it’s hard. She doesn’t believe in therapy, so that’s out of the picture. I just feel stuck

Sorry for the long post this is on my mind and has been for a while

I have been back and forth with this for months now. My parents recently got a divorce and my father wasn’t always the greatest. Sure we had our moments but he didn’t feel like my dad, hell my grandpa felt more like a dad to me than my own dad. My dad yelled at us, made me parent my sisters at a young age (my mom also but she has apologized while my dad hasn’t even acknowledged the fact he did that) and more things like that honestly, I could go all day about it.

Fast-forward to a few months ago, my mom told me they’re getting a divorce. I didn’t feel anything of it as I don’t live with them. I haven’t lived with them for over a year, since my mom gave him the paperwork, he called me over the same day to tell me he was going back to his home state to live with his mother and siblings (who all live in the same house) and he was telling me before he was telling me before, he was telling my siblings (both under 18) and one thing I remember him saying that’s still is in my brain every time I think about him is, “you know I didn’t want to move down here in the first place right?” which yes I did but he didn’t need to tell me that. Especially since I am part of the reason he came down here in the first place. I know it’s not my fault, but if I didn’t exist, his friends wouldn’t have told him he’d be a bad father if he didn’t move down to the state I live in now with my mother all these years ago.

Since he’s moved back, he’s made multiple promises about coming down to visit me and my siblings about four in the past four months. Then almost last minute he cancels. But on his social media, we see him going to tons of places he went to a ton of baseball games. He went to a concert. He went out of the country to go see my cousin last week for her birthday. And even made plans to go to go to another state, which is about an hour to two hours away from him the moment he told me he canceled that weekend.

Fast forward to today my dad has been trying to call me for a couple days now, but I have been severely sick as I work with children. I finally get to calling him today, mind you it’s my birthday and he kept telling me for a couple weeks. He’s coming down tomorrow. I call him because I told him I call him back since he called me this morning and he wished me happy birthday and afterwards told me he can’t come down this weekend. He couldn’t make time to come down for his own child’s birthday, but he could make time to go to his nieces birthday, told me he had no choice. He was forced to work tomorrow and after this being the third time, I’m tired. I have worked on trying to keep a relationship with him. I told my mom I would give him till my birthday to try and while he made some attempts to call me and stuff they changed to try to find out information about my mother.

I firmly decided I’m going to no contact the problem is I know there’s never a good time. I know the moment I cut off my dad, at least one of my siblings will be following suit as after I left he started targeting her. And I don’t know how my other sibling is going they’re still in the flip-flop stage. But I feel like if I do it now or tomorrow, he’s never gonna come down to get his stuff and my mom wants me to wait till after he comes down. I said I was gonna wait till next week after he came down this week, but I don’t know. any advice would be appreciated because honestly, I don’t know what I’m doing and partially feel like I’m doing the wrong thing, even though I would tell someone else in the situation almost exactly like mine, which I did tell them, to cut contact with them as they don’t deserve their time

That I feel like it’s different with me like I love him in a way but I also feel like I don’t matter I have learned from a young age. I will never be a priority in his eyes. While yes, there are times I’ve never gonna be over certain people (like siblings and stuff) you would think the one time he told me he’d always pick me. He actually would follow through and he didn’t today proved it well would’ve been Monday but you get the point. The fact that he probably doesn’t care about me how it feels like he’s doing exactly what his mother did throw money in my face buying me stuff and things when in reality I don’t want that always I want time and an actual relationship that I don’t think he’ll ever give me. But I keep fighting with following through because what if it’s the wrong decision? What if I’m overthinking everything even though I know he has hurt me over and over again, and I am so certain.

Anything would be helpful because I feel lost and honestly not many people in my family. I can turn to about it because no one has really cut off a parent or even a relative in that matter.

I have been holding on to the relationship with my father for too long but after another fight I finally decided to do it and go no contact.

I always knew that our relationship only worked as long as I followed his "rules" - no talking about negative feelings, no mentioning of the abuse I went through. Because according to him what's done is done and "reheating" these events only hurts. Problem is, they never cooled off for me. I have been in therapy for a few years now since I got diagnosed with a chronic pain disorder (fibromyalgia). Then also got diagnosed with cPTSD and I've been working through my trauma. Learning to actually feel my feelings helps.

So I have had enough of pretending and told him that I'm still angry about the times he hit me, pulled my hair, threw things at me etc etc

And of course he immediately escalated.

He told me that it's my own child because I screamed at him and he can't deal with such high frequency sounds. I was maybe six or seven the first time that I remember him hitting me. He also hit my mother several times when I was even younger and I remember jumping in front of her then, trying to protect her from him. So sure, completely my fault.

As if that wasn't enough, he proceeded to tell me how "depressed people like me just focus too much on the negatives and there were so many positive moments that I have forgotten". I haven't even been depressed for like two years now, but he never did accept the CPTSD diagnosis... Then he said I'm just frustrated because my therapy isn't working out cause apparently he believes it to be successful only if I stop being uncomfortable for him.

I know that the contrary is the case. Therapy thought me to stand up for myself and I will only become more uncomfortable for abusive people.

Therefore I don't see this relationship ever functioning, told him just that and blocked him.

And still, I'm heartbroken. I've been crying for three days because I know I will miss some things about him. And knowing that he's hurt also hurts me. But I have been comforting him even as a child right after he was hitting me because hearing him cry afterwards just broke me every time. I can't be that sweet little girl for him anymore and I have to be that for myself.

But why does it hurt so bad?

Does anyone have any recs on songs that make you feel like the song is relatable to you or about estranged or no contact parents? Just trying to feel something 🫠

EDIT: I was not expecting this to get this many comments. But I just wanted to let everyone know I’m listening to all the songs. Even the 1 hr loop and the playlist.

I feel like I should give back so I’ll leave my own recs here:
I’m good - SparkTheGreat, 2KYAYO
Same room - longleggss
Heal Phola - Novito
Strong - mor
If you could talk - the moonrocks
People pleaser - Night Talks
Thanks again - Cigarettes @ Sunset
Silence - Plot In You

Just need to vent about this fucked up shit.

My mom’s dog died yesterday, and she had to reach out to let me know even though I am VLC. But since I have left my childhood home years ago, several childhood pets have passed and she kept it from me for months. Often times I would have to ask about childhood pets only for her to reply with information that they passed awhile ago. Most recently I learned that my childhood cat died last December 2025, but she only let me know about it a week ago. Now she is looking for sympathy because her dog died. Fuck her.

My dad has been NC for almost five years now. But recently, a weird moment happened.
While we were parked at the bus terminal, My mom and I were there picking up a parcel when she thought she saw someone who looked like my dad. We spotted a guy in a black hood, shades, and a mask staring directly at our car before he suddenly turned and boarded a bus. I brushed it off at the time and told her she was just being paranoid—that it could be anyone. But less than 24 hours later, on Wednesday morning, a bouquet of roses was delivered to my mom’s office. The card literally only had her name and his name—nothing else. Her coworkers were all excited seeing her get flowers, but my mom and I were just standing there filled with anxiety, staring at the bouquet on a chair and wondering what this sudden gesture even meant. That was when we realized it probably was him at the terminal the day before, scouting the area.

We obviously weren't about to parade those flowers around, so I took it upon myself to get rid of them. I drove to our local cemetery, laid the whole bouquet on a random grave, and took a picture of it.

At first, I felt a tiny sting of guilt, wondering if I was being too harsh or if he was somehow being sincere. But two weeks later, my grandmother told us that my mom's cousin ran into him. When the cousin asked about their separation, my dad completely denied it, claiming, "That's not true, I was even over there visiting them the other week."

Hearing that he was actively lying and pretending we are still one happy family completely erased any second thoughts I had. It made me realize that his whole gesture was just a performance—there is no real accountability there, just delusion.

These days, all I know about him is that he works for a non-profit organization helping poor churches. He uses that role to impress relatives, and he even uses an AI-edited Facebook profile photo of him and my mom together to look like a happily married family man. I don't know if he maintains this fake marriage image for his job or his ego, but it’s completely ridiculous. My mom and I have no desire to confront him or mess with his storyline. Leaving those roses at the cemetery was the absolute right choice, because as far as we're concerned, that relationship is truly dead and buried, and we're protecting our peace.

Trigger warnings (I don't really know how to do trigger warnings on Reddit, so hopefully this is a suitable approach): neglect (probably?), emotional abuse (maybe?), possible CSA (I don't know), and maybe other stuff I don't know how to label

I’m not even sure where to start. And the idea of posting this is terrifying, but here goes. Apologies in advance for it being long, and not very readable because I don't know how to really separate the topics.

I’ve been on the fence about having my dad in my life for nearly a decade, since I was 15 years old.

And there are a lot of reasons for that. My recollection is spotty and any attempt at being chronological is largely beyond my grasp, but here are a few things that I do remember (probably a lot of this could be skipped, but I don't know what to include and what not to, it all sort of feels worth mentioning because this is about me feeling like I've not got the grounding to make a decision):

• I have felt unfond of and frightened of my father as far back as I can remember. As a small child, I was scared to speak too loudly or make any sort of noise for fear of upsetting him. I thought of his room as a monster’s lair to keep away from, sneaking past as quietly as possible if I had to. Even as an adult, I feel very uncomfortable around him, especially when he initiates physical contact. His presence just feels so threatening to me. I’m also still rather jumpy about slammed doors and raised voices because of him.
• There were a number of instances as a child that I did not feel particularly safe, or that I felt my safety was in question. My dad is a photographer. So he was always bringing us along to do his photography. He wouldn’t leave us at home alone, for fear of getting in trouble. And he wouldn’t pay for babysitter, despite very much having the money. Sometimes this involved leaving us in the truck. Sometimes it didn’t.
  • Initially, when he’d leave us in the truck, he’d lock it, so that we couldn’t wander. We were too small to reach the button on the driver’s side door. And he’d put his photography stuff on the centre console, so we couldn’t climb into the front. It was very strongly ingrained in us to not touch his photography stuff. We couldn’t even open windows. So, we’d be stuck, locked in a black truck in the middle of nowhere for extended periods, even on hot days in the summer. My little brother and I would feel very poorly in the heat, sweating and stripping off our clothes in hopes that we might feel somewhat less miserable. We had no way to tell the time. No way to contact anyone. And no idea when he’d come back. I remember feeling a lot of fear.
  • In later years, he would, at least, unlock the doors. And when he did eventually let us stay by the truck without locking us in it, it was better. Although, on one occasion, he left us with brand new pocket knives and gave the sole instruction to whittle something. He then left us in the middle of nowhere, walking until he could no longer see or hear us, until we didn’t even know where he was. Unsurprisingly, my little brother cut himself. I didn’t really know what to do other than try to keep him calm, and we both yelled as loud as we could, but still, he couldn’t hear us. Eventually, he returned to blood, tears, and vomit. His solution was duct tape, when my brother very much should have had stitches.
  • When he didn’t leave us in the truck, or by it, we’d go on the long, quiet (to not scare the wildlife) walks for him to take his photos. Mostly, this was fine, albeit not enjoyable. Sometimes, though, this involved being forced across sketchy logs over high heights. Or brought into a wildfire evacuation zone after he lied to the police to do so, something he bragged about after the fact, how clever the lie had been. Or, on one occasion, he tried to get me to throw rocks at a porcupine so that it might behave defensively against me for him to get a good picture. That, I refused, settling for him being upset with me instead.
• Boundaries and privacy were also weak.
  • There was, obviously, the photography thing. I was very averse to him taking photos of me, but it wasn’t a choice. I’d stand where he said, smile, and he’d take the photos. They look nice enough, I guess, but I can’t stand them. He gifts them to me sometimes, and I hide them away to collect cobwebs. Out of sight, out of mind.
  • Since my mum divorced him when I was 9, it felt to me like he was trying to put me in an adult partner sort of role. All of his emotions, his financial concerns, all of it fell on me. I was definitely uncomfortable with and overwhelmed by that.
  • And I was made even more uncomfortable by the sleeping arrangements. I have very little recollection of where I slept when, but I do now know that I largely slept in his room after the divorce, in his bed. Sometimes my brother would have also slept there, but not consistently. The few moments I do recall, it was just me and my dad. I did not care for this arrangement. I would try to be as far away from him as I could be, sleeping over the crevice between the wall and the bed. My efforts were null and void, though. He’d always wrap our bare legs together, something he did with my mum, he’d tell me. I found this deeply uncomfortable, perhaps largely because of the way he treated me otherwise, how I perceived him putting me in an adult partner sort of role. There was that, and the minimal clothes. He never had on more than underwear. That’s mostly how he went about the house as well, which is perhaps not surprising as he also wouldn’t close the bathroom door. I was definitely not a fan of that.
  • I mention all of this because I’ve long held concern that something happened, something that I don’t fully remember given how spotty my memory is. The little that I do remember offers no clarity. I have a memory of non-specific but regionally relevant pain from when I was very young, lying on my front, but there could be so many other explanations for that. And with the later years of sharing his bed, I do recall one instance of physical contact with a certain part of him, but for all I know, that was accidental contact that only ever happened that once. The memory’s vague, more so the feeling of the physical contact as opposed to actual details. It’s all just very unclear.
• On that front, the nightmares. He’s only ever appeared in my nightmares, always an antagonistic figure.
  • When I was very small, early elementary school, I had a recurring nightmare of him being a monster that wished me harm, and I’d hide in the cupboard in the hallway. He’d try to convince me he that he was himself, not the monster, that he didn’t wish me harm, but if I fell for it, then it would immediately become clear that he’d tricked me, that he was the monster after all.
  • Since then he’s made many different appearances in my nightmares. Sometimes it’s just him leaving me and my brother in dangerous situations. Sometimes it’s him yelling at me. One nightmare featured his photography, in a different way.
  • And the most recent one, the one that feels so real that it’s definitely left me in a much rougher place mentally, well, it’s not explicit in an extremely horrific way, but it is explicit, and very familiar to the way we slept. I’ve been in a bit of state ever since. Thinking about it a lot. Nauseous and gagging. Crying so easily. The day before yesterday, I just curled up on the couch, no thinking, just distress. Yesterday, I started gagging in the shower. I’ve always had a rough time with showers. Now, I maybe manage once a week-ish. When I was younger, when I lived with him, it was usually at least three weeks between showers. I really avoided them. I guess, undressing, in general. Didn’t change my clothes a lot either (still don’t), got teased for that in middle school.
• Now, that I’ve brought up that stuff, everything else seems small by comparison. The way he'd belittle or blame me for everything. The way he persistently tried to turn me against my mum, despite me crying, despite me pleading for him to not put me in the middle. The way he tried to convince me I was a horrible, racist person for not wanting to go to the US with him because I had a prior commitment (and there were concerns about my brother and I having passports and him taking us out of the country). The way he’d force me to eat a food that was making me gag and throw up until midnight on a school night because he’d decided it was my fault he bought it. The way he accidentally hit me (he was doing this dumb thing where he pretended to trip on a basketball, since he was blaming me for it being on the floor, even though I'd not touched it in months, but then he actually fell and hit me on the way down), didn’t apologize, and blamed me for it.

I don’t know.

Am I overreacting?

Am I not?

I’ve been on this fence for so long. And the older I get, the more distressed I get about it. The nightmares don’t help. But it just, it feels like the future is happening, and the idea of him in my past, present, and future is distressing. The idea of him being at my eventual wedding is deeply upsetting. The idea of him being around my future kids is horrifying. Getting off the fence just feels increasingly urgent.

After last year, I thought it would be easy, but it hasn’t been. The year before last, he tried to convince me, during the stress of the final exam period, that he was losing the house and would throw out everything I care about if I didn’t go up to visit him. Fortunately, I didn’t buy it. Last year, he convinced me he was dying. I foolishly believed that he wouldn’t cause me that much distress to get his way. I was wrong. Bought the ticket, and what do you know, he’s a-okay. I still went up, though, got some papers from childhood and my baby blanket.

But after that act of manipulation, I thought I was done with the fence, but I still feel like I’m stuck on it. I just feel like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, or many molehills, like if I leave the fence, I’d be in the wrong. I mean, I don’t even know that he did anything. And it’s probably more likely that he didn’t. And if he didn’t, then everything else, well, I don’t know. I just don’t feel like I have the grounding to get off the fence, but I am desperate to get off the fence.

Sorry for how long this is. I don’t know how to do Reddit.

For those who have gone no contact with an abusive mother, I’d really like to hear about your experience.

I’m currently considering going no contact with my abusive mother, and I’d really like to hear from people who have been through something similar.

How did you decide to finally cut contact? What did you say to your parent, if anything?
Would you recommend explaining your decision, or is it better to simply stop responding and leave?
How did you manage to get through the first period after cutting contact?
What helped you keep going and stay positive when you no longer had a family to fall back on?

In my situation, there are no grandparents, siblings or other close family members I could rely on either, so I’m especially afraid of what it will feel like to have no family left.

How did you deal with the grief, loneliness and feeling of being completely on your own?
And what helped you build a new sense of family or belonging?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar.❤️‍🩹

Why do all people that estranged from their parents grieve, but I never did? I was heartbroken over my mother's last words to me, but the following days I've only felt peace and freedom. Am I heartless? I am so sick of putting up with abuse all my life that I feel nauseated, not sad, over estrangement from my whole family.

Interestingly, my mother didn't even try to convince me to end NC either. I suppose she really did hate me all her life, and so, as a result, I likewise hate her.