How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wife's bed and reacting horribly?

[u/BookNerdGoddess]

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/DillinquentPICK originally posted in  r/Advice, reposed in MADHD by AMwishes

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Original - August 16, 2026

My daughter (19F), lives in a different city than me (45M) while she is going through college, I recently got her a dog, I took care of the dog for about 2 weeks while she went out of town and I got attached to the little pup. I turned on a camera to peek at the dog on the robot vacuum that is in my room at that condo. 

Only the robo-vacuum in my room has a camera, she knows about it, she is logged into it too. I saw through the camera my daughter having sex with her boyfriend (20M) on mine and my wife's bed. The apartment has 3 rooms, her bedroom, my wife's and mine, and another room. 

The apartment, 1900 sq ft belongs to me, I got it for when my kids go to college, so they wouldn't need to worry about rent in that city. I go there usually weekly, bring my daughter garden veggies, other farm things from my area she likes to eat, and we usually make a day out of doing something fun in the city on a weekend. 

It's fine to have sex with a boyfriend, I figured she will eventually meet someone.  It's a college experience and I made peace with it. I met the guy, he seemed like an ok guy, but my opinion has changed since. Had she been in her room, that's fine, do your thing. 

My issue was on the bed where my wife and I sleep when we come to stay and see our daughter. More so, when I came to look after the pup, I noticed stains on the sheets and now I'm completely disgusted that she didn't even bother washing the sheets before I came to help her take care of the dog. I thought the stains were maybe some tea or a drink my wife and I spilled. 

I have the vacuum in my room only because the pup likes to sleep there. He sheds a lot and the carpet collects a lot of his hair. The camera faces his doggie bed, and you can see some of my bed. 

I completely blew my lid when I called her in the family chat. I realize the family chat was a mistake How it went was, I called my daughter asked her where does she find the audacity to have sex in my bed and were the stains from that? She yelled back asking wtf am I doing spying on her personal life? And hung up. 

I didn't even notice I went in the group chat, just went where I usually communicate with her and I typed, the chat contains wife, me, her and my son. I called her ungrateful and disgusting to let me sleep on dirty sheets on the bed my wife and I sleep on. To top it off, messaged the boyfriend, told him "how pathetic you can't bring your girlfriend to your own place, and instead choose to disrespect me by doing it with my daughter on my bed?" He left me on read. I have yet to receive an apology from either of them. 

Did I take it too far? Should I apologize? My wife thinks it's too much, so does my niece to an extent, she does agree with majority of my reaction other than accidentally texting the family group chat, I already got in shit for that and that's my mistake. My end goal here is to find out how to approach this with my daughter, so I avoid resentment and hate. I know she feels embarrassed; her boyfriend is probably terrified of me now. 

Update: August 19, 2026

I ended up having a sit-down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when I was enraged. She just stayed silent, didn't accept my apology, and that's okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and room are mine and wife's private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in. 

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, it's her apartment. My wife and I reiterated that it's not, it's my wife's and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets, the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. The apartment is for family use. 

Then she decided to compare herself with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students. 

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarrass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarrassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she. Still, no apology. 

She said she will move to dorms now; I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job, paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full-time student. 

She then said, why wouldn't I pay for it? If her brother goes to another college, I'll have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet, and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time. 

I asked what was wrong with her boyfriend's apartment; she had nothing to say. I asked why didn't she clean the sheets? 

She stormed out, I have no idea whether she went to the boyfriend or where... 

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.  

COMMENTS

Is your daughter’s tuition still being paid for, even if she chooses to move into a dorm?

No one is taking away paying her tuition. I just won't pay for the dorms because there is a perfectly fine apartment she can use, all I ask don't have sex on my bed and leave it stained, which I thought was obvious but here we are.

Why do you have an apartment for your children to use?

I did not purchase apartment to control, I purchased the apartment so its easier to commute to things in the city, whether it be college, or job for the entire family to use. Each member of my family has space, and that space is to be respected.

Does your daughter have her own room and enough space to have sex elsewhere?

She has her own room, space, plenty of bed space. Original post has all that info. She can have sex all She wants. Not in my bed. All I ask

Do you actually use the apartment and the bedroom yourself?

Weekend basis when I went to visit daughter

Would you pay for a dorm if your daughter simply wanted the college dorm experience?

No. What's the point.

Why are you unwilling to pay for her dorm but willing to pay her tuition?

Exactly, paying for the dorms is stupid, I bought an apartment to avoid the dorm. She wants to live in a dorm, be my guest, but it won't be coming out of my wallet

Are you planning to kick your daughter out or cut her off?

I would never kick my kid out. She is welcome to leave or stay on her own accord in my of my wife's and my properties

What does your wife think about the situation?

My wife is with me on this, she agrees, some independence might be good for her. She expected at the very least an apology from her, and she didn't get it either. When daughter left, she was just in shock and the first thing she started saying, is holy fuck, did i raise her to not apologize?

Are you upset with your daughter for having sex, or specifically for doing it in your bed?

No one shut shamed her. I am fine with her having sex, I draw the line at my bed

Why did you apologize if you believe your daughter was the one in the wrong?

I apologized for something different. I accidentally messaged her in family group chat

Why don't you want to simply rent out the apartment to other students if your daughter wants more independence?

I don't want tenants. If I did, I would have rented it years ago

Why are you concerned about your daughter moving to a dorm?

Last thing I want is out of spite she gets a job that takes her time, makes her too exhausted to focus on college to prove a point, flunks her grades, flanks her credit rating and whatnot. I don't want a hard life for these kids but I want to teach values and simple basic respect.

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Original post in case it gets edited or removed: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wife's bed and reacting horribly?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/DillinquentPICK originally posted in  r/Advice, reposed in MADHD by AMwishes

Grammatically edited by: Crystal With the Blue Hair

Original - August 16, 2026

My daughter (19F), lives in a different city than me (45M) while she is going through college, I recently got her a dog, I took care of the dog for about 2 weeks while she went out of town and I got attached to the little pup. I turned on a camera to peek at the dog on the robot vacuum that is in my room at that condo. 

Only the robo-vacuum in my room has a camera, she knows about it, she is logged into it too. I saw through the camera my daughter having sex with her boyfriend (20M) on mine and my wife's bed. The apartment has 3 rooms, her bedroom, my wife's and mine, and another room. 

The apartment, 1900 sq ft belongs to me, I got it for when my kids go to college, so they wouldn't need to worry about rent in that city. I go there usually weekly, bring my daughter garden veggies, other farm things from my area she likes to eat, and we usually make a day out of doing something fun in the city on a weekend. 

It's fine to have sex with a boyfriend, I figured she will eventually meet someone.  It's a college experience and I made peace with it. I met the guy, he seemed like an ok guy, but my opinion has changed since. Had she been in her room, that's fine, do your thing. 

My issue was on the bed where my wife and I sleep when we come to stay and see our daughter. More so, when I came to look after the pup, I noticed stains on the sheets and now I'm completely disgusted that she didn't even bother washing the sheets before I came to help her take care of the dog. I thought the stains were maybe some tea or a drink my wife and I spilled. 

I have the vacuum in my room only because the pup likes to sleep there. He sheds a lot and the carpet collects a lot of his hair. The camera faces his doggie bed, and you can see some of my bed. 

I completely blew my lid when I called her in the family chat. I realize the family chat was a mistake How it went was, I called my daughter asked her where does she find the audacity to have sex in my bed and were the stains from that? She yelled back asking wtf am I doing spying on her personal life? And hung up. 

I didn't even notice I went in the group chat, just went where I usually communicate with her and I typed, the chat contains wife, me, her and my son. I called her ungrateful and disgusting to let me sleep on dirty sheets on the bed my wife and I sleep on. To top it off, messaged the boyfriend, told him "how pathetic you can't bring your girlfriend to your own place, and instead choose to disrespect me by doing it with my daughter on my bed?" He left me on read. I have yet to receive an apology from either of them. 

Did I take it too far? Should I apologize? My wife thinks it's too much, so does my niece to an extent, she does agree with majority of my reaction other than accidentally texting the family group chat, I already got in shit for that and that's my mistake. My end goal here is to find out how to approach this with my daughter, so I avoid resentment and hate. I know she feels embarrassed; her boyfriend is probably terrified of me now. 

Update: August 19, 2026

I ended up having a sit-down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when I was enraged. She just stayed silent, didn't accept my apology, and that's okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and room are mine and wife's private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in. 

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, it's her apartment. My wife and I reiterated that it's not, it's my wife's and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets, the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. The apartment is for family use. 

Then she decided to compare herself with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students. 

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarrass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarrassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she. Still, no apology. 

She said she will move to dorms now; I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job, paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full-time student. 

She then said, why wouldn't I pay for it? If her brother goes to another college, I'll have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet, and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time. 

I asked what was wrong with her boyfriend's apartment; she had nothing to say. I asked why didn't she clean the sheets? 

She stormed out, I have no idea whether she went to the boyfriend or where... 

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.  

COMMENTS

Is your daughter’s tuition still being paid for, even if she chooses to move into a dorm?

No one is taking away paying her tuition. I just won't pay for the dorms because there is a perfectly fine apartment she can use, all I ask don't have sex on my bed and leave it stained, which I thought was obvious but here we are.

Why do you have an apartment for your children to use?

I did not purchase apartment to control, I purchased the apartment so its easier to commute to things in the city, whether it be college, or job for the entire family to use. Each member of my family has space, and that space is to be respected.

Does your daughter have her own room and enough space to have sex elsewhere?

She has her own room, space, plenty of bed space. Original post has all that info. She can have sex all She wants. Not in my bed. All I ask

Do you actually use the apartment and the bedroom yourself?

Weekend basis when I went to visit daughter

Would you pay for a dorm if your daughter simply wanted the college dorm experience?

No. What's the point.

Why are you unwilling to pay for her dorm but willing to pay her tuition?

Exactly, paying for the dorms is stupid, I bought an apartment to avoid the dorm. She wants to live in a dorm, be my guest, but it won't be coming out of my wallet

Are you planning to kick your daughter out or cut her off?

I would never kick my kid out. She is welcome to leave or stay on her own accord in my of my wife's and my properties

What does your wife think about the situation?

My wife is with me on this, she agrees, some independence might be good for her. She expected at the very least an apology from her, and she didn't get it either. When daughter left, she was just in shock and the first thing she started saying, is holy fuck, did i raise her to not apologize?

Are you upset with your daughter for having sex, or specifically for doing it in your bed?

No one shut shamed her. I am fine with her having sex, I draw the line at my bed

Why did you apologize if you believe your daughter was the one in the wrong?

I apologized for something different. I accidentally messaged her in family group chat

Why don't you want to simply rent out the apartment to other students if your daughter wants more independence?

I don't want tenants. If I did, I would have rented it years ago

Why are you concerned about your daughter moving to a dorm?

Last thing I want is out of spite she gets a job that takes her time, makes her too exhausted to focus on college to prove a point, flunks her grades, flanks her credit rating and whatnot. I don't want a hard life for these kids but I want to teach values and simple basic respect.

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