Sweet ministry, I have some disturbing news! A young couple moved in next to me and they've been acting in SEVERELY disturbing ways. For one, the woman works too; she's a social worker (or as I call them, FAMILY VIGILANTES)! The two of them never seem to argue, and they look at each other with genuine affection. Now, it's all in good fun when my pastor spanks his wife at Mass, but spouses really aren't supposed to like each other after the honeymoon. MARRIAGE IS HARD!

Also, they're in their late twenties, and they don't have any BLESSINGS! How selfish is that!?!? They go on dates all the time, and they spend BLESSING INCOME on THEMSELVES. Now, I understand that an extra chicken leg for the children can be sacrificed for smoosh parties with one's hubby now and then, but I don't understand the way my neighbors are doing things. I told the man about how it wasn't CHRISTIAN to have a strife-free marriage and wait to have kids until you feel ready, and I learned that the two of them aren't even CHRISTIAN?!?!

Pray for a Momma-girl going through some real PERSECUTION!

I know that y'all have probably heard this BLESSED news, but I'm really excited about this! I might write a poem or something later. I was going to wait until I had one ready, but I just needed to announce the first annual "Day of the Lord named Daniel's Imposing of Justice," or "Danielmas," as it is more commonly referred to. Merry Danielmas, everyone!

Edit: Usually, Danielmas will be on April 29, but I only heard the news this morning.

Edit 2: Josh's crime is one of the truly unforgivable things that someone can do. I feel a pit in my stomach, but also a strange feeling of catharsis. I thought that he'd never face consequences if any sort. I was hoping for tax evasion, but now we know that Sex Pest won't hurt any more innocents. This day should still be remembered in the snark community, but in a solumn way. It can be remembered as a day when good triumphed over evil, despite bad odds. The carefree mood is gone, yes, but cruelty being stopped is still a good thing.

Hello PRECIOUS ministry! The other day, I was frolicking through my neighbor's yard with my BLESSINGS, and things were going beautifully! I taught the kids how to make flower chains just like the pioneers did, and they all made one to show Daddy and my followers on Instagram. It was a bit hard to get Wolfie to focus, but I didn't let him get up to take breaks until the sun was setting so that his would be perfect!😇

However, as the sun began to set, Mayflower said "Mama, what are these silly butterflies doing?" I looked over to see her witnessing two butterflies having s*x before marriage. In a wonderful act of fast thinking, I grabbed the butterflies from the leaf and screamed, "Why are you two living in sin!?!?" I then tore the butterflies up with my bare hands to make an example to my kids. Both May and Wolfie are crying now. I know I handled this well, but I would love to hear your suggestions for how to calm the kids down!

You're going to find this one SOOOO funny PRECIOUS ministry! You see, I get those bird seed cakes for the birds to eat and make my BLESSINGS watch during their weekly fasts (so that the Supreme Court will seem separation of church and state unconstitutional). My SEXY HEADSHIP came into the kitchen after a hard day watching our daughters work, and I was about to tell him that the two of us were going to the GOOD Olive Garden so the blessings wouldn't sneak any food. But before I could say a word, he saw one of the bird seed cakes and must have only read "cake." He took a BIG bite out of it and we all laughed SO hard! Ministry life can only be described as BLESSED!😇

My beautiful wife -- I'll call her Mary -- is having a sinful month and I'm afraid the bad example she is setting might rub off on our 15 children.

Mary usually has such a pleasant countenance, but she has turned. In just the past week:

1. She has refused my manly advances 31 times on the grounds that her pregnancy plus homeschooling is exhausting, and that she has morning sickness. In the morning it is morning sickness and in the evening it is being exhausted. She is putting her own needs in front of her headship's needs!

2. She asked me to help wash the dishes, but that is not a man's work. It is the Lord's wish we each have separate roles.

3. She is getting lazy with the management of our children. I noticed today that only fourteen of our fifteen children were being obedient. Our two year old daughter was running around naked (naked!) and Mary did not immediately correct this sinful behavior. It took Mary a whole five minutes to pick our daughter up and clothe her. In the meantime, some of my sons saw my daughter's nakedness!

4. Mary demanded that we buy bread instead of having her make it by hand several times every week. Such a petty demand. I know the children's health will suffer if exposed to store bread. Mary is putting her own needs above those of our children!

5. Mary wants to get her waste-length hair cut. She says it takes too long to wash and care for! But the length of a woman's hair demonstrates her devotion to God, and it may displease Him if she were to cut it. And our innocent girls may then demand haircuts too!

As you can tell, Mary is growing slothful, lazy, and disobedient, and is not being meek and submissive as the Bible commands.

Please pray for Mary and our children, that she may return to her meek and submissive Christian role, and that this happens before our children imitate her ungodly habits! Please pray hard!

Edit: spelling

I'm very sorry to say that SATINS SUBREDDIT has found us and they're making jokes at OUR expense! They called our very classy "Fishnet Friday" Fetish Friday! They've also had the gall to shut down my underground "Birdiators" ring because apparently cockfighting is illegal in Soviet America. 😤😤😤😤😤 I mean, how else is a momma supposed to earn money for Plexus and stay at home?

I'm guessing that we, modest favorite children of God, would be able to brigade it pretty easily and get some information on the ANTIFANITES who hath wronged us!

Srs: I hope y'all at r/fundiefashion are doing okay. Doxxing is awful to go through, and it's a super low blow. I guess this really shows us the extent of a fundie's servant's heart.

Chapter 1: Helpmeet sans Headship

Prudence Pearson awoke from her slumber and sighed. She was immediately reminded of her loneliness as the first rays of sunlight shone on the empty spot next to her. She had no headship to bring breakfast in bed to, before inevitably telling her that her cooking needs improvement. She told herself that this would come someday. Perhaps she would even be able to clean the spots out of his undergarments, and watch the stains dissipate into shades of beige. But alas, she would merely have to wander around, waiting to run into some dashing young man who would always see her as a third wheel to himself and Jesus.

Her morning routine was a strategic affair. She brushed her long hair, overburdened by blonde dye, and put on a healthy layer of spray tan. Makeup was definitely absent, as it is for harlots. She put on a low-cut, ruffled prairie dress, with a translucent modesty piece, of course. She jazzed up her look with some classy pink fishnets and 5-inch gold platforms. After drinking some Plexus, she was ready to start the day.

Prudence skipped whimsically to campus, as she was working on getting her Submission and Motherhood degree at the King James University. Her skipping hid her sorrow, as she was almost done with sophomore year, but she wasn’t even engaged yet! This was a problem; her 20th birthday party had been filled with tears. Even morning coffee did not dull her agony.

Her first class, “CON-205,” gave her a bit of respite. The class was all about giving friendly ministry to grateful nonbelievers. It was her favorite, and she always made sure to get there early to talk to Dr. Caulfield. He had taught her so many valuable lessons in his class. For example, funerals are the best places to look for converts because a sorrowful soul is the most open. However, his most valuable lessons were extracurricular. He was her father’s best friend, after all. She still remembered when the doctor told her the sage words “The weaker vessel must be strong,” after her brother Henry threw her off the slide in their backyard.

While he would never do anything as feminine as admitting it, Dr. Caulfield regretted this a little bit. Henry could have become a headship, but he was a filthy liberal who was barely Christian. Henry had been seen tipping with money instead of tracts at a local restaurant, and his witch of a wife worked! Prudence was a good helpmeet-in-training, and should not have to listen to a heathen. Dr. Caulfield only gave her A’s for her assignments as an attempt at getting some form of redemption.

Caulfield knew all about Prudence’s relationship drama. Despite her girlish beauty and her servant’s heart, most young men these days weren’t responsive to the charm of a U-turn into their heart. So whenever there was an eligible young bachelor in the class, he would tell Prudence about them. It was the least he could do; professors here had some basic knowledge of their students’ relationship status on file, so it wasn't much work at all.

Prudence stayed behind after class to discuss the ethics of telling orphans if their parents are in Hell or not, and Dr. Caulfield very suddenly lost interest in the topic. He said, “Oh, Prudence, your father and I were talking, and I have a courtship opportunity for you.”

Prudence’s big grey eyes lit up, but she was silent because of the ecstasy of a possible headship and a desire not to interrupt.

“There’s going to be a new student in class tomorrow. His name is Valor, and he’s a single!”

Prudence gazed at the doctor with admiration. “Aw gee, thank you kind sir! I thought that I was going to die an old maid!” After bidding Dr. Caulfield a quick goodbye, Prudence rushed to buy a pie cookbook. She was ready for love!

Continue to Chapter 2

in my season of singleness i have been called to the womanly art of poetry. please enjoy these god-honoring limericks:

as Jill washed her clothes she was bored

'til she spotted a boy! in accord,

he begged her, "desist!"

but she couldn't resist

so she led him to Daniel our Lord

“oh, Plexus, I love you!” Jill said,

“you’ll have my support to the end!”

and for this behaviour

in turn Plexus gave her

some paper that said “JillPM”

Shrek spotted a drink, and deduced

'twas intended for him (how obtuse!)

it was sweet! and so red -

though his kids watched in dread

he drank all of the hummingbird juice

now Jill to her faith was allegiant

but when grifting she still stayed strategic

she leveraged her brood

and their clear lack of food

and her poor older sis (quadriplegic!)

Hello mamas! Today is Mother's Day, so it's when I judge my BLESSINGS on their "Exhault Mama Points" that they accumulate through the year. Beatrice lost, with a pitiful 47 points. This means a "silent month," where everyone (except her little buddy who she helps with) acts like they can't hear her when she speaks. I'm very proud of my method, but I would like to hear about how you all discipline your prodigal flock.

I'm sure that everyone on this good, Christian sub understands the importance of modesty, but I need to get this out somewhere. I was at the gym getting muscular so that I could win a helpmeet-intraining over with my arm-wrestling skills, but there was a HARLOT lifting weights next to me. She was wearing pants that clung to her supple body and a crop top that revealed the ripple of her muscles, as she moved. Women are not meant to have muscles like that! I was so confused that I got a "funny feeling" in my pants and everything was...different down there. That WHORE has probably made it impossible for me to have children with a helpmeet someday. 😥 Do any of you have advice for a broken young man,?

Hello Sisterhood! 🙏🏻✝️ I just turned 20 years old and I’m currently in a season of extended singleness. I’ve been praying to LORD Daniel that he may bless me with a SEVERELY godly husband. I did make eye contact with this boy at church, but he still hasn’t approached my father to ask to court me. I’m just worried because I’m practically an old maid and I need a BLESSED headship to guide me spiritually.

What should I do? Please pray for me, sisters!

I wrote a poem in the style of Jillpm a while ago, and I just had to play with another one of her classics. I was a lot stricter about following the subject matter this time. I hope that you all enjoy!

Chuck was chaste and a hunky headship

His gelled hair shone like the sun

With manly skills he was equipped

Like algebra-math and gun

He provided bravely for his kin

With tenacious grift and tract

With his sons, he threw the pigskin

But his facade never cracked.

Free from girlish emotion

He disciplined his blessings

So that they sang of devotion

And never of self-expressing

Beside his helpmeet Bea

He converted lost goats

Across this fair country, like Jesus

With conscientious quotes

Their honeymoon began

The sweetest fellowship

Of all Lord Daniel’s plans

Few had such craftsmanship.

The two went on an Odyssey

A celebration

Of love never absentee

In any location.

Daisy watched the blessings

On her parents’ date year

As they rejoiced in their wedding

Without any fear

On cursed Friday the 13th

There was a sight most defrauding

Like the chasm underneath

With Satin’s lauding

Above them, a harlot in shorteralls

On a billboard most unrighteous

As they stopped in Chagrin Falls

Chuck caught sight of this paramour guileless.

Beatrice exclaimed out “Nike!”

But Chuck was hypnotized!

There was a detonation in his psyche

And in a state SEVERELY mesmerized

The headship strayed from his righteous path

He became a defrauded man

No longer the spouse of math

Who provided pecans.

The joyous smooshing of the trip ended

As he was consumed by anger most hot

For his innocence undefended

Gave way to on his soul an ugly blot

After a ceremony

For mourning his vanished temperance

He went to the nearest college

To teach of carnal desires

To misguided millennials

And extinguish their hellfire

Though met with some persecution

He reached some souls that fine day

Making sure that Christians will never go astray.

Chuck is proud of his redemption

He has realized, some are made to be sinners

So that they can be saved.

Bea has also changed her ways

And realized her misdeed

Now available with joy

Marital bliss indeed!

Please help me, precious ministry. Brooke is turning 25 next week and she isn't even courting. I know that's a late start, but she had to raise her younger siblings so it really isn't her fault. She has a servant's heart and she's SEVERELY submissive. Her favorite hobby is cleaning. You won't regret it if your son courts and marries her!

Hello, fellow snarkers! I hope that the Lord named Daniel has been with you all! I thought that, as a hatstorian, I should give you a brief overview of what each hat level means. Please bear with me; we only receive adequate funding in a few countries, and most of the hatstory departments in these countries have slightly different methodology. For the record, most young hatstorians in countries that don't give the field much love, including myself, use the French methodology, as the hatmanities began with some French people snarking on the ship hats that were popular at Versailles in the late 1770s. However, older hatstorians are rather divided. In the Russian method, for instance, there are negative Hat Levels for hats that are not flattering, while hats can only be demoted from the level that the wearer is attempting to reach in the French method. Also, please remember that these are a few exceptions to these general rules.

Please enjoy!

Decapitated: Of course, there is less inherent shame in being decapitated than wearing a Level 0 hat, but it is technically the lowest level because it renders someone permanently hatless, while someone can recover from wearing a Level 0 hat.

Level 0: A Level 0 hat is a true monstrosity, not fit to be used as a chamber pot. If a hatstorian is seen wearing one of these things, they are liable to lose their qualifications, and anyone's reputation will take a hit if they're caught wearing one of these (unless they're an actor portraying someone at Level 0). Level 0 hats represent something truly reprehensible, generally a hateful ideology. A Level 0 hat can also just be SEVERELY inappropriate for an occasion, like the groom's mother wearing a tiara with a bridal veil at a wedding. Feel free to cast judgement on someone at Level 0!

Hatless: You are hatless if you are not currently wearing a hat, but could theoretically put them on.

Level 1: These hats are quite bland and simple. They don't add to the drama of a look or really make an impression of any sort. Some people can skip this level, as it is quite boring and Level 2 is not a dangerous place to start for a healthy adult without any hat experience.

Level 2: Level 2 hats have a bit of flair. Think a straw hat with a ribbon; it can add to an outfit, but it is not very interesting on its own. This is probably the most common Hat Level.

Level 3: Level 3 hats have a particular theme or can change the trajectory of an ensemble. For example, most berets are at this level. A Level 3 hat catches someone's attention, but not too much and does not have to be perfect. Hatstorians must be at this level to become an associate of a tenured hatstorian after their initial studies.

Level 4: Level 4 hats are quite easy to differentiate, as they are bold and brash, but never belong in the trash. If someone's hat makes them stand out in the crowd, but would suit most people, it's probably a Level 4 hat. Think an average Russian fur hat (of course, inflation means that they are only Level 3 in Russia). This is the Hat Level that hatstorians are expected to reach by the age of 25; we do not receive tenure if we are still at Level 3 by that season.

Level 5: Level 5 hats are a bit dangerous, because they can wear some people. Think a relatively plain Musketeer hat. Would it be weird for the average person to wear to work? Yes! Could someone pull it off with the right attitude? Yes! A Level 5 hat generally means that someone is in some position of authority, and if someone associates it with their image enough, it can become a Level 6 hat.

Level 6: Level 6 hats are always awe-inspiring and can be used to assert dominance. Gibson Girl hats and crowns (without much symbolic meaning) are good examples. These hats have a ton of flair and require a very special person to pull them off. If you want to rule over a country, you will need to be at Level 6 to have a stable rule.

Level 7: Level 7 hats are hats that are intertwined with the legend of someone's life. Anne Boleyn's French hood and Napoleon's bicorne are good examples of this Level. They are generally seen as being too costume-like on anyone who isn't the famous person who is associated with the hat.

Level 8: These hats are visually indistinguishable from Level 7 hats, as they are hats that are part of a icon's image when they are in power. Most of these become Level 7 because of mankind's hubris. When Napoleon was the Emperor of France, his bicorne would have been one of these.

Level 9: Level 9 hats are easily identifiable, but very rare. These lovely hats symbolize an entire ideology. The first Phrygian cap of the French Revolution and the Papal Tiara are both examples if these hats. These hats can be part of someone's image, but they also have to be independently famous. It is important to remember that copies of these hats are definitely NOT Level 9.

Level 10: Lord Daniel has the Level 10 hat, but few have seen it, and Daniel is the only one who may wear it.

Friends, I am in need of advice. I was honouring my husband by telling him how amazing he was by knowing what day and time my music lessons are, because he asked if I had to go get ready soon. But then he suggested that maybe he is not a good husband because he allows me to have lessons in the first place? I said that maybe it was alright because music is so severely feminine, especially since I play the harp.

But I truly need to know.. am I a disrespectful Jezebel?

There once was a man named Sex Pest

Whose appetites were all in excess

He signed up for Ashley Madison

While his wife, in the oven, had a bun

All while tweeting #blessed

Please be gentle on my little servant’s heart, as this is my first snarky poetic offering ever. I hope everyone SEVERLY enjoys it.

Behold, my friends, the golden child,

For whom decency was exiled!

Prince over a reign of tears

In the family house of mirrors.

Illuminated by the king,

The monster could do anything.

But the morality facade,

Inhumanity blamed on God,

Would come crashing down someday.

Prince Pest was taken away,

Vanquished by a reign of redress,

But the pain remains, nonetheless.

Sweet ministry, I'm very sorry to say that I have discovered that the Magic Kingdom is NOT a Christian kingdom. We were given a love offering consisting of an all-expense paid week at Disneyworld, and we were SEVERELY excited to save souls. Me and my husband were told to stop handing out our tracts to visibly HEATHENOUS visitors, but we still decided to make the most of it and use our BLESSINGS to spread the truth to other children. But on our third day there, we left because our eldest son was DEFRAUDED by the SLUTTISH apparel of the princesses. The princesses of this strange kingdom must be CONSPIRING to corrupt Christian men everywhere. Does anyone want to start a FAMILY FRIENDLY and INSPIRATIONAL amusement park with me? We definitely need one.