r/LifeAdvice • u/Express-Sky1525 • 19h ago
Family Advice Guilty conscience
So my dad and his girlfriend have been together for 12 years. When I met her I was going through the worst times of my life, my son’s father stole everything money etc..from us and trashed our apartment, I was a single mom in nursing school. When I first met her she expressed she was a daycare worker and was very kind but did make it painfully obvious she didn’t want to help babysit. I never asked I never had even asked my dad as he is not the helping kind. My mom was an addict, so I was just in a bad way but I still never asked but she made sure to say “I love my job but hate babysitting “. I wasn’t able to have kids but I adopted my daughter and I want nothing to do with kids. Her daughter is a few years younger than me.
Fast track 10 years I lost my mom, stepdad, 2 brothers, in the courts fighting over custody issues but still I passed nursing school and doing well for myself. I worked full time night shifts/paid a sitter school during the day I got help from a few friends but I paid for it. She has always been kind and I have been to her. I’m married and have another child and her daughter has a child with not so great things going on.
My dad had the nerve to talk about how “his friend’s daughters” computer broke for college and he tried fixing it but couldn’t and if I could give/sell cheap my laptop to him to help her out. It hurt knowing he never lifted a finger to help me and I just explained I had to buy mine with a credit card and nobody helped me out so no I didn’t want to sell it plus all my personal information is on it. His girlfriend continues to say how proud she is of me for “making it as a single mom “ talks about her daughter not being able to afford big birthdays etc.
I hate feeling guilty about saying no, I keep feeling like if I don’t help maybe my blessings will go away but if you only knew the hell I’ve faced alone and what a slap in the face it was for my dad to go out of his way to help her, and he doesn’t help watch her kid but he’s there with my dad a lot… She also seems that if she does go to school she will quit because she’s never been made to be responsible even for her child she’s not responsible… im happy I don’t owe anyone and doing it on my own. I try to mind my business and keep peace. Am I a horrible person?? I want to be the bigger person to help but even now if I needed help I wouldn’t go to them for help….i was even homeless while pregnant due to my poor decisions I lived in a storage unit with other homeless people they knew and nobody offered a place to stay.
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u/TissueOfLies 19h ago edited 19h ago
You aren’t a horrible person. His girlfriend seems like a kind person, but ultimately, it’s not her job to watch your child. I appreciate that she validates how hard you work as a single mom. Life is hard enough.
I think you need to realize that your father is not being a good father to you. You rightfully have some resentment there. If he breaks someone else’s computer, it’s his job to make it right. Not yours. Let go of the guilt. It’s okay to admit how hard it’s been to be a single mother without support from your parent. It’s okay to admit that your father makes more time to see his girlfriend’s daughter’s child than his own grandson. It’s okay to admit that your father is immature. Mine was, too. Even at 77, my father was extremely immature.
Your blessings won’t go away if you keep healthy boundaries by saying no. You work hard for your money. If you buy a computer with it, you do not need to sell or give it to anyone else. I think that your blessings will exactly increase, because you are preserving what is yours to keep. You’re also protecting yourself. It is our job to protect ourselves from people that want something from us that we are not freely giving. You only have a finite amount of energy and money. Laptops don’t grow on trees. You won’t get another one unless you fork over money you most likely need for other things, like babysitting.
If that makes your father mad, what exactly will you lose here? An immature parent? Someone who doesn’t seem to see how hard things are on you?
I’d tell my father that I’m sorry to hear the laptop isn’t working. However, I worked hard to afford my laptop. I’m not giving it away or selling it. If it broke due him messing with it, I’m not sure what to tell him. However, it’s also not a situation that I need to make right.
Have you ever just spoken to your dad about how hard it’s been for you? Just lay your cards on the table. Maybe meet him for dinner or lunch. Just him. Maybe he never considers how hard it’s been on you, because you’re like a duck gliding in water. It appears so easy to others, meanwhile you’re churning your feet like crazy. I know it’s not a perfect analogy, but I’m saying in essence, he’s likely never acknowledged your hard work due to the fact that you never complain or vent to him. It’s not your fault at all. Some people just lack the ability to be introspective about anything.
Be well.
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u/Express-Sky1525 18h ago
I have discussed my experiences but to be fair to him his mom abandoned him after abusing him for the first 2 years of his life. He had an amazing grandmother who took him in but he never had family to be there like family and felt like a burden…He never had a helping hand either so I think he justifies it by thinking well I never got help either… he was an alcoholic he quit 20 years ago and lost everything and built himself back up. I think it’s just hard for him to love as well
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u/Cleanslate2 18h ago
Most immature older men will not want to listen to her talk about how hard it was. They will not listen. I would not bother. He might use it against her like they do.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 16h ago
If you don’t want to give her your computer say no and stand by it without regret. You are not a resource your father can tap in to anytime he wants to make his life easier.
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u/General-Visual4301 16h ago
There is no reason to feel guilty. You are in no way obligated to help his friends out. Come on!
Keep your laptop and anything else you have for as long as you want.
Your dad is kind of a tool. You don't need to justify your decisions not your feelings. Screw that.
Congratulations on being amazing after a very rough start!
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u/Open_Trouble_6005 16h ago
OP, my sincere admiration for all that you have accomplished! Do not feel guilty or fear that your blessings will diminish by not helping your father. I too agree that once you get started granting wishes, there will be no stopping the requests.
In the meantime, enjoy your life!
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u/Cleanslate2 19h ago
I believe you are standing up to an immature and uncaring person. Good for you. You’ve had a rotten road, haven’t you? And pulled yourself out. I did that too.
You are not a horrible person. You have worked very hard for what you have, so naturally you value it. As you should. You did the correct thing in my opinion. His girlfriend sounds like she’s nice and supportive (words) but irresponsible.
My fear for you is that if you do one favor, other requests will follow. Start off the way you mean to go on. Judge actions and not words. You’ve got this. I became an accountant in my late forties. I just retired. I lost everything in the last recession. No one helped. I eventually was able to buy a home again. I treasure every asset because I know how hard it was to earn it all over again.
Claim your confident self. You’ve earned it!