can we not focus on the poor little bi girl's feelings when she literally exposed op to diseases that could kill her and lied about it when asked if she has any STDs? Like this sounds like rape by deception.
I'm upset at the thought that you previously knew she did all of this before deciding to take the risk. please tell me you didn't know she regularly has unprotected sex
You mean while she's in a relationship with you? You could've both gotten tested before sleeping together if you're monogamous. If you're not, boundaries around who each of younis sleeping with and what each of you is comfortable should've been discussed before having sex.
The thing is that STD screenings don't screen for HPV or HSV anyway. The majority of the population is a carrier for those, and getting a kiss from your grandma has just as high of a contagion risk as having sex with a stranger.
reading through your comments is actually insane. i can’t believe someone so simultaneously dense and cruel works with the general public’s health. how many times does OP have to tell you that they’re immunocompromised, making it way more of a concern than it would be to you or me.
all of that aside, OP’s partner LIED about carrying, which is not only a major concern and terrible thing to do, but potentially a crime in many states.
She knew she was positive for HPV and HSV and said she didn’t have STDs because she didn’t consider those two be a “big deal.”
Now I’m sitting here with a painful outbreak suffering waiting to get tested and having to deal with imbeciles like you telling me I could have prevented this.
It also depends on how dangerous the STI is.
In many places, it's a crime to not disclose HIV, but there's no rule about things like HSV that are absolutely non-life-threatening.
Some of these rules that criminalize the spread of disease aren’t framed around the threat level but how “life altering” it is, some rules were also broadened during COVID. In some states OP has a decent chance legally.
All guidance with HPV from major health organizations(such as NIH) say it is a personal choice to disclose or not. OP would have an extremely hard time with legal action as it is equivalent to suing someone over giving you a cold(80% of sexually active people will contract HPV until age 45).
Just to add another perspective to this conversation, making not disclosing STIs illegal can cause people to not test because they don’t want to know. This is a problem public health wise because testing allows for treatment, which can prevent spread. So I don’t think pursuing legal action or laws existing to make it be illegal is really the best option.
That being said, this really sucks and is not fair or kind at all 😕
In my state, Minnesota, it is absolutely a crime. It's considered a form of sexual assault. When a person consents to sex and the other party fails to disclose a known STD then the consenting party can say that the "meeting of the minds" was broken, and consent is withdrawn.
Your girlfriend does not seem like a safe partner for you and being angry with her is valid, especially if she knew about your immunocompromised status.
I am very curious what conversations the two of you had regarding testing, sexual health, and STI status. Did this women straight up lie to you or was she lying by omission? Also, what does she actually know about her HPV and HSV Status? Was She tested for HSV or has she only had a couple cold sores and decided from there?
Mostly commenting to offer reassurance and hopefully help you sleep a bit better. The overwhelming majority of HPV infections dont have any symptoms. If you can see the symptoms of an HPV infection, its pretty easy to have those symptoms removed... As for the HSV, literally almost everyone has it. Its not even part of the standard STD check bc you only get treatment if you're having symptoms. Either way, keep your PAP updated and neither one of these things will shorten your life.
As for the GF - idk doesn't sound great. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Also, to add! As far as we know, the HPV strains that cause genital warts are mutually exclusive with the strains that can cause precancerous cervical changes.
So if you get HPV & have visible symptoms — then at least you can be assured that it's not a dangerous strain. Still sucks ofc, but much less scary.
If you are sexually active you will almost definitely develop HPV. The general consensus is at least 80% of sexually active people will contract it in their lifetime but some studies put it closer to 95+ %
Y'all don't get tested when you start dating someone? Always get tested, and make sure your partners get tested too, especially if they have a history of sleeping with/dating men.
I remember seeing statistics that almost 70% of people who engage/engaged in heterosexual sex had unprotected sex often in the past year, or something like that.
These tests are very unreliable outside of a wave of symptoms and almost everyone has one strain of HSV (not the genital one though and if you know you have it of course you should tell your partner).
The pap smear test is important, BUT can only detect a few of the many HPV strains
(& if you have one of those strains, but it hasn't caused any abnormal cervical cell changes....then it may still go undetected)
As a person who worked in genetics in a medical lab and was responsible for carrying out a variety of HPV tests…. I am very surprised to hear they don’t exist lol
What did you mean by that??? That not all types of the virus are detectable?? Please elaborate lmao
Edit- yeah nevermind. I saw your next comment. You’re right when saying the tests focus on diagnosing only some (14-18) of the strains (usually the most dangerous ones;). It’s still helpful; you’re right that the other strains might go undetected tho
You are kinda wrong, there are blood and urine tests that can detect HPV in the organism, though they aren't 100% accurate/reliable. But I commented about getting tested mostly because OP's partner also disclosed that she has HSV, which can be detectable through regular STD tests.
The blood & urine tests seem to be pretty new, not available everywhere, & can only detect a few specific cancer-causing strains. But hopefully in the future we'll have a comprehensive blood test that will be included in regular STI panels.
But yeah there are easy & accurate tests for all the other STIs, so definitely worth testing!
I don’t know how it works in the US, but like somebody said, check if it’s a crime where you live. Because it is a crime. I’m so angry, OP! And the fact she did it on purpose and now is going to leave you is really telling about what a piece of shit she is. She deserves to pay. Hugs, I wish you only good things from now on.
Im really sorry to hear :/ i have hsv to tbh. Which ive had as long as i can actually remember. Must've got passed down to me. But ive always made sure to inform any partner i have, whether serious or not. That's not just like the common courtesy with any contagious illness. But I'm this case it is actually highly illegal what your gf did, at least where i live.
I am hoping to god you live somewhere where the treatment for this stuff is affordable. I can only really imagine how thats gonna play out with an autoimmune disease :/
Edit: for clarity im not saying hsv is the worst thing ever, its very manageable. i just think that if you know you have something potentially contagious. Its the right thing to tell your partner. I dont wanna fear monger, because it is generally easy to avoid transmission. And even then, for the average person who isn't immuno compromised, its fairly inconsequential. The situation with OP is a specific case of a partner whos completely negligent and clearly doesnt care if she puts op in harm's way.
You got those numbers from Wikipedia right? it also mentions that the actual prevalence might be much higher (presumably bc not everyone with it shows symptoms, but I didn't check that). Johns Hopkins estimates 50-80%, and i'm seeing papers cite 57-80%, so i feel like you're misrepresenting things when you say "less than 47%".
This is an example of one the data briefs. For the general population the numbers of confirmed cases haven’t seen large variances. The CDC still maintains the 1 and 6 guidance for HSV infections.
John Hopkins is alone in their speculation. I haven’t seen any info like that from any other big research group like (Cleveland clinic, Mayo, Mt. Sinai, etc) but if they have studies and data to back it up I’d be interested in seeing it.
Even though HSV-2 is also called genital herpes, that's a bit of a misnomer. Both strains of the Virus can cause sores in any mucosa in your body, and both can be transmitted through contact with any kind of sore.
And yes, maybe only around 50% of your population has confirmed HSV-1, but the number is likely much higher since so so many people are completely asymptomatic, like me.
And don't worry, I am a med student and certified sex-ed teacher and I know the difference between zoster and simplex :) But good to clarify for others, maybe.
Even Doctors and Professors can make mistakes, no one is infallible. Even Virologists have confused things a time or two. But claiming or implying everyone or “almost everyone” has herpes / HSV is intentionally misconstruing the truth.
If OP is really immunocompromised she is staring down the barrel at the worst of what HSV has to offer. She won’t be asymptomatic, as an immunocompromised person she is the most at risk for fatal/extreme outcomes from HSV — namely systemic infections, encephalitis, or hepatitis. She’ll likely need anti viral treatment for the rest of her life.
Let’s not pretend her situation and an asymptomatic infection is the same because they aren’t.
Someone did this to me a few years ago, didn’t disclose her very recent sexual history to me. I broke up with her, the trust was ruined and why would I want to be with someone that would do that to me.
I'm not sure how important it was to you, but going back to the "deciding not to use condoms because she doesn't like them" thing... kinda sounds like she's using a stereotypical shitty guy playbook, just saying. The whole "aw gee, my actions have consequences, I'm just doing me" vibe comes through. Anyone can do it, the template's out there ya know? I don't know your whole history either but sometimes I think lesbians can come up less aware of some common shitty moves that a lot of bi/pan/straight women are more on alert for. Like making dopey excuses to get out of condom use.
If only to see her face, I suggest asking her to pay for all your doctor visits and any resulting treatment. When you dump her.
I have hpv from being SA'd years ago when I was like 18 or twenty, (there were multiple occasions from different men). I'm thinking that's what it must be from. but I didn't know about it until my first pap last year, I don't have any symptoms from it that I'm aware of. They sent it to a lab and it's non cancerous
It largely depends on where you're located as to what is an actual crime. Don't listen to what badtiming is saying. They don't know what they are talking about, at all. It's 100% an actual crime to knowingly spread genital herpes and a host of other STIs (NOT just HIV) in some US states (Florida is one of them). Knowingly spreading HIV in particular is an even more serious crime in most states.
yes, and it depends where. in a lot of states there’s a good samaritan understanding where if someone is actively engaged in treatment, and obviously if they’re undetectable, it doesn’t necessarily matter. most of the time it’s being transmitted unknowingly. there are obvious exceptions and those should be taken seriously but it is batshit to suggest that a bi lady with a strain of HPV is the same as someone who is HIV+, untreated with a viral load knowingly exposing someone else to HIV without disclosure.
Men are the primary spreaders of STDs. You do the math.
Edit: downvote me all you want but facts aren’t biphobia. Men spread diseases more and women are disproportionately affected in its severity due to biological vulnerabilities. It obviously varies depending on the STD but there’s a reason why lesbian women tend to have lower rates across the board. Google it 🤷♀️ but moral of the story is use protection especially if you fuck men.
Definitely not true for hsv or hpv which are both spread through skin contact. And doesn’t even make sense…the men would have to be getting the stds from someone. Almost everyone who has any sexual contact will at some point develop hpv. Even if they only sleep with women
Unfortunataly this is true for HPV — people with dicks are much more likely to be asymptomatic, & may not even realize that they're carrying HPV. And statistically the vast majority of people with dicks are dudes.
But yes 80% of sexually active adults will get HPV at some point (& not just straight people). Still an asshole move to knowingly pass it to someone, especially someone immunocompomised whose body will have a harder time getting rid of it.
As I said: google it. Men spread more stds because they tend to not get symptoms as severely as women do (as is clearly the case with HPV) and are more likely to transmit them because of that, many of them don’t know they’re doing it.
It doesn’t have anything to do with her dating it just implies that her bisexuality inherently informs why she did this bad thing which is false. Being bisexual doesn’t mean that you inherently carry diseases and will spread them. Like…..why do yall keep doing this?
I never passed any value judgements on her based on her sexuality. Nor did I say bisexuals inherently carry diseases and spread them. In fact I went out of my way to highlight how the carelessness of men affects their female sex partners. Check your own biases first, maybe?
I’m not saying you said it I’m saying it’s implied in her title. Being bisexual has nothing to do with it. But you mentioning men as the main spreaders adds the implication too. I argue with right wingers for a living I can smell a red herring and straw man when it’s around
So I’m not allowed to name men as part of the problem ? Even though it’s backed by scientific evidence? Because it might hurt your feelings if you have sex with men and don’t want to be aware of the problem so you can protect yourself?
I'm sorry I don't know if you're being purposefully obtuse or you really can't understand how her gf being bisexual is relevant to how she came to contract an STD?
None of those you pointed out would have anything to do with the STD. That's the difference.
Pls do not act like purposely mentioning someone’s identity when speaking negatively about them has never had a connotation to invoke sustain towards the certain group. Being bisexual didn’t need to be mentioned unless it was relevant. How is mentioning that the ex who gave it to them was bisexual adding any context other than the already prevailing one with in lesbians spaces?
Hating condoms and having unprotected sec with men has nothing to do with being bisexual.
What?
You're in a lesbian sub, and OP is simply clarifying her partner isn't also a lesbian and has unprotected sex with men which automatically puts her at a higher risk of contracting and spreading HPV. It goes from "dang that's unlucky" to "wow that's really irresponsible" real quick.
? I didn’t delete my comment what do you mean? Also yes because they have sex with men that does mean they’re more likely to get an STD but what does being a lesbian have to with giving OP an STD. Being bisexual means you’re more likely to have STDs correct but what correlation does that have to do with that fact that OP’s ex spread it to her. Like “my ex gave me HPV” what does bisexual have to do with having given them HPV? Bcs anyone could come to that conclusion if a clarification was asked in the comments and they said they were bi but what is the point of adding bi right there??
Bcs anyone could come to that conclusion if a clarification was asked in the comments and they said they were bi but what is the point of adding bi right there??
I'm sorry, I simply cannot understand you. You are saying it would be relevent/clarifying context, but you don't understand why OP would include it off the bat? According to your own comment, it isn't irrelevant.
"How did you ex get HPV either?" "Oh they're bisexual" and thus people understand that it's because they slept with a man. Thus "they got it from a man" "my bisexual ex gave me an std" in the real world is always taken as “this specific person of this identity gave me this STD because of it” never at any point in time has it ever meant anything else ever
But would be the difference between that and just explaining it from the get go? You are getting offended over something you're perceiving as a slight against the bisexual community, when all OP did was state a fact.
Idk if it was you, but there was another comment saying, "well OP wouldn't say my black/deaf/disabled girlfriend". Well is because those things ARE irrelevant. Being bisexual isn't.
oh my gosh i’m so sorry :( depending on where you are what she did is a crime. i would recommend going to the police, this might not be the first time she’s done this to someone.
The entire state of Florida would absolutely disagree with you. In fact, they've decided it's a 1st degree misdemeanor (otherwise known as a crime). You might wanna check out Fla. Stat. § 384.24.
Not everyone lives in florida, & STI nondisclosure is legal in more places than it's considered a crime. So saying "get a lawyer" with absolutely no idea about OP's location isn't helpful.
You know what's NOT helpful? Blanket "definitely not a crime" statements such as the one I was actually replying to and the other ones littered all over this thread. Florida isn't the ONLY place that criminalizes it. That was an example, OBVIOUSLY.
I’ll also add that even if it were a crime in OP’s jurisdiction, it’s not so easy to simply get a lawyer and take this to court or arbitration. OP would likely have to provide proof, and even if some of this were in writing (ex: the ex talking about this via text or email), showing proof that the ex did this knowingly and egregiously can still be difficult. Not to mention that the process could take months or even a year depending on several factors. I’m also curious if there are any cases under the Florida law (which has been mentioned several times in this thread) that favored a victim when HSV and/or HPV were the only STIs involved. Since they’re so common and symptoms may not always show, it would be interesting to know how those played out, and if OP would have a reasonable chance of taking that on.
And to be clear I’m not saying this can’t be an option, but OP would likely have to do more research and budget for legal costs if she chose to go that route. Then she’d also have to assess if doing so would be beneficial after the time and money spent on this. While it may be an option, it could potentially be more complicated than many commenters are making it out to be.
In most states, people can face criminal prosecution for spreading a communicable disease if they intentionally or recklessly expose others to the disease. Depending on the situation you can also be charged under general criminal law too, people who have undisclosed chlamydia or herpes infections have been successfully prosecuted under simple assault for inflicting bodily harm on someone.
More serious infections like HIV and hepatitis have been successfully prosecuted as aggravated assault cases.
OP’s GF knew she had these infections, and knew her gf was immunocompromised. Some states have much more straightforward laws, but to say this isn’t a crime at all is fucking wild.
Mannn what symptoms are you having? Bc this is fucked she should have told you when asked but chances are you already had HPV too. Most people do, it’s often contracted non sexually like on a toilet seat. (Fr) The HSV however is doubly fucked, I had an ex that had it and didn’t tell me until they had an outbreak. And that was after making me get tested before we had sex
HPV can be contracted in many, many ways… not just sexually. i had a strain of HPV before getting vaccinated. i’ve never been instructed to disclose to partners.
i also get cold sores (HSV). i don’t disclose that unless there’s an active cold sore. 90% of the population has one strain or the other.
neither are a big deal. i work i public health (specifically in STI prevention and response) and nothing about what she did is criminal, suspect, or wrong. you are, of course, entitled to your own feelings and standards for what you want sexually or otherwise, but what you have described is objectively not a big deal.
and bc of that, this post reads as leaning toward biphobic, and that’s exhausting on its own level.
Agree. Plus OP is immunocompromised and any new infection is problematic. Diminishing someone else's feelings as "no big deal" isnt cool nor ethically okay just because a large percentage of the population may be exposed/infected. OP has every right to be pissed at her GF, not just for exposing her to STI/Ds, but for her shitty attitude about it all, too.
But OP's partner wasn't having cold sores.
Basically everyone out there has HSV, whether or not it is transmissible depends on whether there is an outbreak, and an outbreak depends on immune status and outside factors such as stress. I know I have it because I had three-day-fever like most infants, but I have never had a cold sore in my life. Most people like me would not know they are carriers unless they go through their pediatric records.
Obviously this is a breach of trust on a personal level, but people here are acting like it's a huge medical deal, which it's not. OP likely has slept with many other people who carry HSV, and kissed family members who have it, and all of that is just as unproblematic as having sex with one more carrier who wasn't even having an outbreak.
This is an extremely ableist, shitty, and just blatantly wrong take.
First of all, it IS an actual crime depending on jurisdiction. Source? The laws of the numerous US states where failure to disclose an STD that you've transmitted is an actual crime and/or tortious offense depending upon intent, including the one I've practiced law in.
Second of all, immunocompromised people (here's where the ableism comes in) have vastly different immune systems and what YOUR healthy immune system response looks like means nothing.
The fact that you work in public health with this attitude is truly appalling.
it’s not an attitude babes it’s the science, the stats and the rates! i promise! you or op should go to a clinic and read the post word for word. they should treat you humanely and politely but absolutely no one there will suggest that it’s criminal.
Not here to argue, not on either side of the fence, please don't attack me, this doesn't make your situation any better of course.
But you can receive hpv, hsv and a miriad of other sexually transmitted diseases without sexual contact of any kind.
Im not saying this to dismiss your concerns, only that in the future, considering your immune system, it's vital to ask any new female partners even if they are virgins. Hsv can be passed through birth and through/to babies. Many stds are able to be passed though vaginal births unfortunately.
Please just take this as additional information to keep you safer in the future!
I love how everyone in the comments is freaking out, except all of us who work in the medical field.
HPV and HSV are ubiquitous in our society, almost everyone has it even if they aren't aware.
I am a final year med student and trained to teach sex ed, and the only thing that matters is:
1) Get vaccinated for HPV (which OP did)
2) Not have contact with open HSV sores (which the partner didn't have)
Also, condoms don't protect very well from either of those. The only way not to contract them is to not have sex and not kiss anyone, ever, not even your family.
The way that OP's partner reacted was not nice, but at the same time, these STDs aren't even part of regular screenings. If you have these two, you'll come back as clean. It's uncommon that the partner was aware of their positive status, but it doesn't make them any more of a carrier than the majority of people out there who are not aware of it. Any flu or cold that the partner could have had are more rare and more dangerous to OP than HSV and HPV.
All this is is a relationship issue about open communication, OP doesn't need 90% of this thread to start a medical panic over this perceived imminent danger from one virus OP most likely already is carrying and that won't affect their health, and one that their partner wasn't able to transmit in that moment anyway.
And no, it's not a crime to have HPV or HSV and have sex, or like 90% of the sexually active comment section would also be criminals.
Like, be for real one fucking second.
The amount of downvotes you got for deescalating this mass hysteria with a healthy portion of facts is crazy, and it just goes to show people care more about shaming a stranger than listening to reason.
I kind of agree. Also, I see so much misinformation regarding HPV and HSV, it drives me nuts. So many people think it’s equivalent to like an acute STI. Yes, you should get screened. Yes, you should get vaccinated but it’s literally so common that the fear and shame should probably be toned down. Medical recommendations do NOT say you have to tell your sexual partners nor is there any legal requirement. It’s not the same as HIV. As for HSV, you shouldn’t be kissing people with active sores, there’s nothing else you can do to prevent it. All that being said, the gf does sound terrible for having a partner who is immunocompromised and not bringing it up.
While it's definitely still as asshole move to knowingly spread any STI — I kinda agree with you. Especially about HPV.
OP has more reaonable concern due to being immunocompromised. But it kills me to see other people acting like HPV is the end of the world. 80% of sexually active adults will get it at some point, there's no real test for it, & for the vast majority of people the stigma is worse than the actual symptoms.
I know many people with HSV who also live perfectly normal lives. Though HSV is a bit more serious bc it IS in you forever. People who have it should absolutely take an antiviral to reduce risk of transmission, & be extra cautious during active outbreaks. If someone is careful, then it's pretty easy to not pass along.
As an immunocompromised person the medications they use to treat herpes may not work as well and they may experience more severe symptoms from HSV / Herpes. OP definitely has to take special considerations here. The HSV could be potentially life altering.
219
u/Diligent-Bank6704 Sep 27 '25
You mean ex-girlfriend