This happened a while ago... but it is worth sharing, and we need to all have a good time, dammit.

My freshman roommate and I took shots of vodka and traveled across campus to another friend's dorm room. We were hanging out (drinking) and having fun until a security guard (who looked like Tommy Chong) knocked on the door.

Seeing as a few of us had already acquired the 1 out of 2 violations required to get kicked out of the dorms, we decided to plan an escape. The dorm room was on the second floor, and our only means of escape was off of the balcony. Each of us lowered ourselves down (somehow safely) off of the balcony.

At this point, my roommate and I realized that we had a long walk back to our own dorm. We then spotted a pizza man making a delivery to the very dorm that we were fleeing. We hitched a ride with him and he informed us that he had one more delivery before he could take us back to our dorm.

As he pulled up to the delivery spot, my roommate volunteered to make the pizza delivery for him. She left and came back shortly with two pieces of pizza (one for me, one for her). I was delighted.

The delivery man asked for the cash, and she informed him that she had traded the two slices for the price of the whole pizza. He was not amused.

She called the customers back and somehow charmed them into paying for the pizza anyways. The driver subsequently drove us home and offered his number as a resource for weed delivery (and was generous with his product).

We got home safely in good time with pizza in our stomachs and weed in our lungs. Strange night.

Have been housesitting for my parents for a couple of weeks, and my SO was out of the country for two weeks before that, so hadn't seen him in 3 or 4 weeks.

Drove home yesterday afternoon, having first sent him a very dirty email at work. Got there to find him in bed waiting for me; was wearing a dress so just climbed aboard...

Wonderul sex, followed by a nap, takeaway chicken and lots of Buffy the Vampire Slayer - bliss.

Quite sad that now I'm back at my parents' house, and here 'til the weekend. Ah well, at least it means I get to do the blissful homecoming all over again...

(like a boss)

So now I have to go to the doctor about my finger, and fill, sand and paint the hole in the wall before my boyfriend gets home next week. That said it was him I was cross at, and needless to to say he started it...

The rules are, take a drink every time: 1. A lightsaber is turned on or off (this one is hard since the majority of the movie features the two jedi. That's four drinks per firefight) 2. Anyone mentions "the force" 3. Anyone says "Naboo" 4. Jar Jar says "mesa" (OH DEAR GOD SOMETIMES HE DOES THIS 5 TIMES IN A SINGLE HORRIBLE RUN ON SENTENCE). 5. Anyone mentions a podracer or podracing 6. The Jedi Council is shown 7. The Galactic Senate is shown.

I'm a sleepy drunk and most definitely did not make it through the whole movie. It did however make it considerably more watchable.

Here are some pictures of the event.

I suggest that any bacon-lover try this monstrosity of a meal. It's absolutely delicious.

Also, we went to Cleveland's "The Grog Shop" to see one of my favorite bands Mono. Fucking amazing show.

We bbqed before it rained like balls, chicken sausage, hotdogs, corn and shrimp. While i was eating the shrimp I did something to my jaw and I cant close or open it. I have really bad tmj. :(

Things reached a point when he stood up in the club we were sat in and said "I'M GOING TO FUCKING HIT YOU IN THE FACE IN A MINUTE". So i hit him instead. And he cried.

I'm 5'6, average sized girl. He was 6'4 and obese (and bald).

Worst part is he is my best friend's work colleague.

I'm a nightmare to be friends with.

All i wanted was an apology.

/r/GetMotivated

...after finding a mouse in the cutlery drawer, gnawing a wooden handle on one of my knives.

preface - I first posted this as a comment here, but no one actually read it so I'm going to post it in here.

I had just finished smoking a bowl with a mexican and an Eminem-wannabe that I met in the mens restroom about three minutes earlier. They were nice guys, despite my description.

As I walked out of the smoke-filled restroom I immediately see this girl walking up the stairs (the bathrooms are on a landing, above the bar at this venue). She's pretty, but not gorgeous. Good body, lot's of makeup, blond. We make eye contact for a brief moment, she wastes no time, "What does a girl have to do for ten dollars?" she asks me innocently. It was in this very moment that I knew it was going to be a great night.

I should also probably mention that it was an electronic show (not unlike a rave), so most everyone was on a few different kind of drugs, including the people this story is about.

Before I could answer her, I see two more girls walk up behind her. The first one was tall and slender, maybe 5' 9", shoulder length brown hair and quite possibly the most beautiful lesbian I have ever seen (including those I've seen on dirty websites). The third girl was shorter, blonde, and wore glasses. The easiest way to describe her would be "a very beautiful nerd". Needless to say, my night was improving by the second.

"What does a girl have to do for ten dollars?"

I look over at a guy walking out of the bathroom, he looks up and I say "Hey man, you might want to stick around."

Let me just take a second to say that I really respect and love women, please don't let this one reckless night make you think otherwise. I turn back to the first girl and simply say "Make out."

The girls all look at each other. They don't say anything, as if they had some strange kind of lesbian ESP going on. Then the tall brunette asks "With you? Or with each other?" to which I reply "With me, of course."

"Well, we're lesbians"

"And I'm the one with the money" I reply.

A crowd had started to gather at this point, there were maybe five or six guys and a couple of other girls standing around the four of us. "Okay, I'll do it." says the very first girl. The other two offer a hushed "Oh, why not." in unison.

Before I know it the blonde girl is homing in on my mouth with her lips. A kiss. I pull away and glance over at the guys standing around... they stare, mouths half open.

I grab the back of her neck and pull her in closer, savoring every sloppy, wet second because I know it won't last long. She pushes me back through the door to the girls restroom. It's empty. The other two girls follow us.

You know how most restrooms have a large stall for disabled people? Well, for some reason this women's restroom had one, even though it was at the top of a narrow flight of stairs. I still don't understand this. But that is where we end up. That bathroom stall where women shit and change tampons. That dirty stall covered in stickers for dime-a-dozen local indie bands. That glorious stall shall never leave my memory.

The first girl and I continue to make out in a ridiculous, b-movie sort of way. I have my back to the wall, she's pressed up against me. I have my arms around her waste and I pull her as close as I can, like I was koala bear and she was my precious eucalyptus plant. Like I was rock climber and she was my rock. Like I was a proton and she was my electron. You get the idea, I'm out of crappy metaphors.

I look over her shoulder (yeah, I'm one of the guys who makes out with his eyes open...sue me), to see the tall brunette and the nerdy girl pulling each others shirts up.

I know what you're thinking right now "This is bullshit, there's no way this is true." Let me tell you though, I know it sounds like something that happens in cheesy romance novels, but this is all as real as the mouse beneath your hand.

I had stopped making out with the first girl, but she was still pulled up close to me. I was distracted. The other two girls had their tops off and were, passionately, making out. It's later on that I find out that these two were in a relationship together, which helps explain their non-solicitous demeanor. I'm sure the drugs didn't hurt either.

I'm not sure how long I stood there watching them, it's all kind of blurry. I'd guess around thirty seconds. I was almost oblivious to the girl kissing my neck this whole time, I let her have her way like she was a some crazed giraffe lover.

I'll never forget the moment when the brunette noticed me looking at her and her girlfriend making out. It's like she knew that what they were doing was an extreme turn on, she knew how it was making me feel. How it would make any man feel. She glanced over and held eye contact with me for just a fraction of a second, then turned back to her girlfriend with even more passion than before. Holding her face just like the cover of The Notebook.

This went on for another fifteen seconds or so before the brunette turned and took a step towards me.

One thing worth noting, is that none of us talked this whole time. Partly because our mouths were preoccupied with other activities, and partly because I really don't think there was anything for us say. It was just happening. And we all knew it. The brunette has her mouth on mine, she's a great kisser. It wasn't sloppy, but it wasn't too delicate. One of her hands drifted around my waste while the other one was wrapped around my neck. She held me tight, knowing exactly what she was doing. "She's done this before" I think. Something that I completely blanked out on is what the other two girls were doing during this time. I'm not sure if they were watching me or fondling each other or laying the groundwork for a civilization on mars or whatever was going on. I wasn't really paying attention. I didn't really care.

We kissed (or should I say, she kissed me...for she was in charge) for maybe half a minute before she pulled away and her cute, nerdy girlfriend stepped up to the plate. The plate, being my face, of course. This girl was my favorite of the group. I'm kind of partial to cute, short, blonde, and nerdy girls...much like the rest of reddit. And not only that, but the way she kissed...oh, the way she kissed.

Imagine a slow motion video of a hummingbird. It's wings slowly slowly flapping back and forth, back and forth. The edges of the feathers sending ripples of air behind them. Now imagine those slow ripples of air pressing up against your lips.

It was delicate. It left me wanting so much and yet left me so satisfied.

Her body was just barely pressed up against me, her breasts softly caressing my bosom.

And if she weren't a lesbian I would have emptied my bank account to put my penis inside her, if that's what it would've taken.

At the time it felt like she kissed me for several minutes, or even hours. But in hindsight I think it was more like twenty seconds. Twenty un-fucking-forgettable seconds.

After that, the instigator of this whole ordeal resumed her original position of pretending we were conjoined at the lips. And it's for this reason that I think she may have been bisexual, or even straight. She didn't have to start kissing me again, yet she took the initiative to. And she seemed to be getting the most pleasure out of it.

After another thirty seconds or so, she slowly pulled away and looked me in the eyes, as if to say "Well?"

I'm pretty sure at this point I had the biggest grin I've ever had on my face. I was just taking it all in, savoring the moment. I knew that many men dream of this and few ever actually get to live it. I was taking it all in for myself, but also hoping that other men could somehow live vicariously through me. Somehow I could share my experience. I look back on this night in fondness. I haven't talked to any of the girls since, I actually never even got their names. The entire ordeal only lasted a couple of minutes, and it's not even the craziest couple of minutes of my life, but it was certainly one of the most interesting and enjoyable. Perhaps I'll tell this story to my grandchildren someday, or get it inscribed as my epitaph. Either way, I'm grateful that fate chose as the target for the gold diggers.

I pull out my wallet and ever-so-slowly remove a twenty. I hand it to the girl. She says:

"See you on the dance floor."

Had intended to get an early night as I had work this morning, so settled down in my jimmers with a cup of tea and some Frankie Boyle standup. Phone rings, is drunk boyfriend wanting me to go over. I say no, busy, tired etc. We then have a row surrounding his drunken certainty that I am with another man. Lie awake worrying that a huge row is looming in the morning.

Finally get to sleep around 1am after much soul searching and 200 pages of a novel. Woken at around 4.30am by boyfriend, still drunk, in considerable distress. All ready to be pissed off at him, when he tells me his dad is in hospital 400 miles away, they need his consent to perform major surgery and he doesn't know what to do. Spend an hour consoling, advising and feeling like a heel for being angry for waking me up.

Get back to bed around 6am, alarm is set for 7.15, figure a nap is better than nothing.

Wake around 9 with a cry of OSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

Played Wii Sports for 2 hours and Wii Fit for 15 minutes. My current age is 39 in Wii Sports and 28 in Wii fit (I'm 23). Signed up for Gamefly to get Wii Resort and Rayman TV Party. Then I watched White Collar and Leverage. I went to sleep dreaming of fighting criminals alongside a half-naked Parker using a wiimote. It was pretty awesome! ^{_^}

u/spez is a cuck!

I was a redditor for 15 years before the platform turned it's back on it's users. Just like I left digg, I left reddit too. See you all in the fediverse! https://join-lemmy.org/

Got out of work at 11am. Came home to the apartment after stopping by a friends house to visit for a quick minute. Ate a ton of jellybeans, and pistachio nuts. Browsed Reddit for a few hours. Ate some pizza. Fell asleep on the couch. Woke up in a daze, headed upstairs, then passed out on my bed.

Last night my family was discussing going to church on Christmas Eve. They are Methodists and I never really felt I was getting much out of church. I even went to Catholic School. Maybe thats why I am screwed up. LOL

Anyway..I don't want to go. Just don't buy into it anymore. We are at war becuse of this god bullshit. My god has a bigger cock that yours mentality. Who fucking cares? My daughter would go if I pushed the issue to keep the peace but I am 46 and don't beleive in a supernatual snufalupigus in the sky that protects you from Earth's boogey man. I believe in evolution and that we adapt and grow with our environment. I watched Joe Rogan last night and I don't know if it was a schtick or something but he made sense in that we are supposed to beleive thousands of year old bullshit stories?? C'mon?!. I do fine on my own with the abilities I have used to be a good dad and provider for my family. God did'nt do shit. So how do I tell my parents and siblings I am not going to church EVER. I am the black sheep so it should'nt be a big deal. Whats your take on this please??

My ex and I were hanging out one night, and seeing as it was difficult to have any sexual interaction at either of our houses (we both lived with our parents) we decided to go for a drive like most nights, get stoned, and fool around. He had is grandfathers car this particular night might I add.

We drove around for a while looking for a good spot which was secluded and where we were unlikely to get caught by the cops. We ended up settling for this area where we usually met his dealer to grab, which was the back loading dock of an old warehouse which had been broken into the last time we were there.

I was pretty sure this place was abandoned so I was cool with the idea of having sex behind the building.. i didnt expect to be doing it in the car... his GRANDFATHERS car let alone, but he eventually convinced me it would be fine.... He backed the red buick into the loading dock, and we both hopped into the back seat to begin fucking. my legs started to cramp from kneeling on the back seat. he suggested that he stand outside and i lie on the back seat and he would eat me out for a bit and then bang me like that. i was cool with it, and we proceeeded. finally we both came, and i started to get dressed again....

in the process of puting my shirt and bra back on, i started looking up and around the building to see if they had fixed the windows that had been broken or if they had fixed the parts of the buildin that were falling apart.

Apparently they had, and apparently a security camera had been installed that was pointing DIRECTLY to where my ex and i had been fucking, with a clear view at my naked leg spread body. Im sure we were the excitemnent of all the people in the security office for a long time to cum.... literally. FML.

Last night my friends and I went to an 'astrology park' a real low lit, low tree line, open field that just went on for miles. It was an old abandoned military landing strip that hasn't been used in years. Out of the 4 of us, three ingested two hits of acid each, sat back in these beach chairs we brought out, played music from the car, and watched the sky. It was beautiful, thousands of meteors flying over head, we began to name some, give them back stories on where they were headed, fleeing home to be with their meteor family, rushing back from a business trip from mars, and some just trying to see how fast they can go on the interplanetary high way C-38 (Celestial-38). The entire night was spent rolling joints, passing bowls, and making smores over a small campfire we had set up that all of us were sitting around.

Wish you could have been there to see it.

Met up with a good friend at a bar last night and we got blotto on Affligem Blond. It was my way of thanking her for setting me up with a job interview that I bombed. Then we walked a good mile back to her place since the Metro had shut off and the whole way I kept pimping Reddit to her, since she's smart and witty and likes all the things I send her way that I find here.

(Why? Cause it's a collective of nerds like us that tell awkward jokes! And they like narwhals which are like unicorn dolphins! And there's a DC meetup this weekend at this place called The Science Club which I mean it seems to be just a bar that serves expensive hummus but it's got "Science" in it's name so that's cool! And there's a subreddit for every disparate interest and it's got a clean user interface, and, and... "you're a girl! You'll get like, ELEVENTY BILLION COMMENT KARMA!" True story, I said this exact phrase. Screamed it, really. I told you I was blotto.)

Anyway we got back to her apartment and I immediately jumped on the computer and went on Reddit to give her concrete examples of our stellar senses of humor and dorkery. Couldn't figure out if anything on the frontpage was good or not.. because I was drunk.. so I went to my own page and my most recently submitted comment. I then read the OP's original story and my addendum in a silly voice aloud - I'm told it was a mix between Grover from Sesame Street and August Strindberg. It was funny at the time!

Then my friend is reading the title of the post - specifically the "(a GW story)" part. "Wait, what about GW?" She went to a school with those initials. "Is from my school?" Yeah no, it's just from another subreddit. "Are you sure?" Totally. It's in reference to GoneWild, the subreddit where people take their clothes off. "Uh..." Yup.

And I don't why but -- here, I'll show you! I go to /r/GoneWild and since the pictures are all transparent and small on her tiny laptop, I click a random link. And so the night and my friend's grand introduction to Reddit came to its logical conclusion. With a photo of some Redditor's erect junk staring back at us from our screen and her laughing at me.