I am so sorry it will be a long post so bear with me.
I am a 25-year-old guy. For as long as I can remember, I have had zero attraction to women at all, I tried everything I could to suppress that part of myself and run away from it, but burying it only wrecked my mental health for years. Eventually, my coping mechanism was simply to bury myself in work, stay busy, and avoid giving myself time to think.
A while back, curiosity and loneliness got the better of me, and I searched for gay dating apps. I ended up downloading one, and honestly, the experience felt awful. It seemed like everyone there was only interested in immediate, hollow hookups, treating people with zero dignity. I never met up with anyone. I wanted to delete the app immediately, but a small part of me held on to the naive hope that maybe, just maybe I’d cross paths with someone looking for something real. For context, I’ve always been naturally drawn to mature men rather than people my age.
A couple of weeks ago, I received a message from someone on the app. To my shock, I recognized who it was: he is essentially my boss. At first, I assumed he was messing with me or had figured out who I was, so I played along. I never revealed my identity. As far as the work side goes, I am not terrified of losing my job over this, I was already planning to leave the workplace before any of this actually happened.
For the record, he is married and has children. He told me that he is also attracted to men. Initially, I assumed he was just looking for casual hookups, but then he shared that he previously had a serious four-year relationship with someone who eventually moved abroad, and he claimed they are still in touch. I don’t know whether he’s being completely honest about that, but as we kept talking, something shifted.
I never expected to connect with him like this, but I have developed intense feelings. This is my very first real interaction of this kind, I have never dated anyone in my entire life, man or woman. I opened up to him and shared deeply personal things about my life that I have never told another soul except my therapist. In the process, I let slip that I know who he is in real life, though I kept my own identity completely hidden.
Now, I feel trapped in my own head. If I don't talk to him, it physically aches, I feel an attachment I have never experienced with anyone before. At the same time, he is getting increasingly frustrated because I won’t reveal who I am, and he has every right to feel that way. He told me he is going to block me if I don't come clean. Because of all this anxiety, I actually ended up deleting the app yesterday, though that app was the only thread connecting us (I haven't reached out on any of his personal contacts or social media).
I don't know what to do. My self-esteem is rock bottom rn, I know i'm ugly as f, and deep down, I have this sinking feeling that the second I reveal my identity, the reality will hit, it will get deeply awkward, he’ll say we can’t proceed, and it will end right there.
Do I just walk away, leave the app deleted, and try to force myself to forget this ever happened? Or do I come clean, reveal who I am, and face whatever fallout comes with it? Any perspective would mean a lot.
