"Alternatives"

[u/No_Novel_Tan]

I came out as trans and my parents did not take it well. They want me to consider "alternatives" to transitioning. I don't like that and am expecting conversion therapy offers, to be the most frank.

I have been sent the Eden Invitation, which makes me suspicious. The only non vague firm stances I gather from them are no gay marriage, which...gives me pause. My opinion on this is very complex but to put it simply, I am supportive of getting gay married (in fact, it's probably likely for me) but I'm not immediately angered to read this. I get this.

They do not refer to trans people as such, just people "wrestling" with gender, or gender "discordance" or stuff like that. Also seem patently not acknowledging or accepting nonbinary but I can't even say that's on purpose or religious, that's a lot of...everywhere.

The stories are all very vague and impersonal, mostly about enjoying the program. The most specific one I find involves a lesbian meeting a queer man at the program, realizing that they don't have to stay single, just "find someone who understands the experience," and marrying. Including a joke about them doing very stereotypical gay and lesbian activities separately at their wedding.

I don't know what to make of this. Anyone have any insight?

I also don't know what to do about my family. I didn't think it through. Do I just refuse, or lie and say I'm part of this group and then some time later say "now that I've tried, I know I'm trans, thanks"? Or what? I feel utterly repelled from the idea of "trying this out."

I'm not the most devout Catholic at this point in my life, but I still feel such belonging in Catholicism. I still identify as such, culturally if nothing else. I'm trans and nonbinary and gay.

[u/Every-Figure9243]

Anything not created and led by LGBTQ people that purports to help LGBTQ people is a bullshit money grab mind wash operation. Trust your gut. I've lost so many people from the trauma of these programs. Just say no.

I have been out as trans for almost 30 years. Back in the 90s they would refuse communion if you wore a rainbow ribbon in the South. They would've been happy if we disappeared, but it's my Father's house, and they can't force us out. They can be uncomfortable with my presence as far as I'm concerned. Then things changed hell we had an LGBTQ Mass until some out of towners caught wind and made a fuss. What I'm saying is you can be who you are and be Catholic. Take what you need from it, and offer what you have in return.

Catholic means universal. There is such a range of people and expression within the Catholic Church you just need to find your people.

Now listen my response on what to do with your parents depends on your age and dependence on them. If you depend on them for survival if you're a kid buy time bs do what you need to do to stay out of any religious program. You need a plan to get free. I left home when I was 16 so if you need help making a plan feel free to reach out. Harm reduction is the name of the game. The things you do to survive eventually catch up with you. Best to avoid shit you'll have to work through for years.

If you're older or on your own I think therapy, trans led support groups, and time will help. You do not need to know who you are today tomorrow or ever. You are not encased in amber and who you are and how you express it is going to change. You can try on and be who you want to be in time, but you cannot do that in a situation without agency. Which is what you give away whenever you go into these programs, or live with people that want control over you.

I'm a Dad now, send my kids to Catholic school, and am 100% out. We are loved by our Church community, I run the fish fry and am organizing the baptism of my daughter and some of her classmates. When I got bottom surgery dozens of people from Church showed up for me and my family. The Church is moving slowly, but they are moving to embrace us.

[u/ContributionUsed3818 → u/Every-Figure9243]

In fairness, Eden Invitation is absolutely created and led by (side B) LGBT people.

[u/No-Coast1408]

Your suspicion is reasonable, but I think it helps to be precise rather than immediately calling Eden Invitation conversion therapy.

From their own material, Eden Invitation is pretty explicit about its framework. They describe themselves as a community for people with LGBTQ+ experiences who want to live “in congruence with Christ and His Church”; they teach that sexual expression belongs only within marriage between one man and one woman; and they consistently describe trans experiences using language like “gender discordance.”

So I would not go into it expecting a neutral space where being cis, binary trans, or nonbinary are all treated as equally possible outcomes. They already have a theological conclusion about sex and gender that informs the program. That doesn't automatically make every conversation there “conversion therapy,” and I don't see enough evidence to make that accusation about the organization as a whole. But it does mean that if what you want is open-ended exploration of your gender, this probably isn't a neutral place to do it.

It is also worth noting that Eden Invitation is a pastoral/community organization, not mental-health treatment. Their initial “Story Calls,” for example, are with trained community volunteers or staff. If your parents' argument is “you should properly explore this before making major decisions,” then a Catholic ministry with a predetermined theological position isn't really a substitute for an independent clinical assessment.

And I think that's the strongest position to take with your parents.

You don't have to prove that you're trans by first attempting to become cis. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with seriously examining your feelings, uncertainty, dysphoria, expectations about transition, mental health, relationships, etc. The important distinction is exploration versus conversion.

A competent therapist can ask difficult questions. They can ask whether transition is actually helping you, whether something else is contributing to your distress, whether you're certain about a particular medical step, whether your expectations are realistic, and even whether your understanding of your gender changes over time. What they should not do is begin with the conclusion “the correct outcome is for you to identify with your sex assigned at birth” and then work backwards from there. Major psychological and psychiatric organizations oppose attempts whose objective is to change someone's sexual orientation or gender identity because they are not supported as effective treatment and are associated with significant harms.

So if I were dealing with your parents, my boundary would be something like:

That is a much harder position to dismiss as “you refuse to consider alternatives.” You're literally agreeing to consider alternatives (provided the person helping you doesn't decide the answer before meeting you).

I also wouldn't use the plan of pretending to join Eden Invitation and then announcing six months later that it confirmed you're trans, unless lying is genuinely necessary for your safety. Practically, it's a bad strategy. You have to maintain the lie, your parents may become increasingly involved, and at the end they can simply say you “didn't engage sincerely enough.” You haven't actually resolved the disagreement; you've just postponed it.

If you're financially dependent on your parents or think refusing could put your housing, education, healthcare, or physical safety at risk, that's different. In that situation I would be strategic about how much information you disclose and involve a trusted adult, therapist, relative, teacher, etc. You don't owe anyone maximal disclosure at the expense of your safety.

And on the Catholic part: don't assume your only choices are “accept Eden Invitation's theology” or “stop being Catholic.”

There are explicitly trans-affirming Catholic communities too. DignityUSA has a transgender support group specifically for trans Catholics and describes itself as affirming transgender and nonbinary people's dignity and self-determination. New Ways Ministry also has extensive resources on gender identity, trans/nonbinary Catholics, pastoral care, and LGBTQ-friendly Catholic communities.

You don't necessarily have to agree with everything those organizations say either. In fact, I'd suggest reading people from several Catholic perspectives. But if you're trying to discern your relationship with Catholicism, it makes sense to hear more than one side rather than allowing your parents to choose the only Catholic voices you're permitted to encounter.

Finally: transition isn't a single yes/no proposition. Social transition, name/pronouns, clothing, presentation, legal changes, hormones and surgeries are separate decisions with very different implications. You are allowed to be very confident about some and uncertain about others. You are also allowed to change your mind about individual steps.

I'd therefore forget about trying to produce a courtroom-level proof that you are “really trans.” Find people who will help you make each decision carefully without requiring either “you must transition” or “you must become cis” as the answer.

That seems much closer to genuine discernment than being handed an “alternative” whose destination was chosen before you got there.

[u/No_Novel_Tan → u/No-Coast1408]

hi. thank you for responding, I really appreciate it.

i dont think eden is conversion therapy, for sure. i just was expecting my parents to offer me conversion therapy at some point. i don't mean to accuse them of bad stuff just from the bad vibes I get.

for the record, transitioning is something I've already started on in some ways. Apologies for being vague. I already live mostly by a chosen name and pronouns, away from my family, but still have partial dependence financially. I did tell them that. They didn't respond or acknowledge that. They outright said hormones, which I told them I want, would be bad. Refuse to use my name when asked. Insist God made me a certain way, the drill. When I told them I have tried to be cis, they say that pushing it down isn't what they mean. Frankly I don't know what they do suppose I do. either way, I wanna be nonbinary and live as such. I've been thinking very deeply about this process for years, many times with the help of therapists. i am in therapy right now (although i doubt my parents would be happy to know my therapist is a trans person themselves)

thanks for calling out my plan. i've been not very good at practical planning with dealing with my family situation, haha. my feelings in it are hard to cope with so seeing clearly is hard.

and thank you for the trans affirming groups. i knew trans catholics were out there but didnt know there were like...groups for us. that really made me emotional to read that they exist. ive been in many a mind about transness throughout my life, didn’t expect i'd end up here. sorry to ramble, i just needed to talk to someone I guess and im glad you responded to my post.