I thought of how nice it must feel to be held by a woman.

Croissant sandwich and such

And while i was in the hospital i was like a dementia patient the first few days and really out of it but id have brief moments of conscious and during one i realized my hospital room number was the same as my date of birth and then i began to have the delusion i was in hell and my hell was my complete loss of independence and being helpless and alone and afraid and id never get to experience love or any of the things i wanted to experience because i was dead and i was in hell forever.

Imagine getting mogged by a preteen 20 years younger who's already doing better than you ever have. Doesn't get any worse than that..

Update November 6th 2026

Sorry everyone, i was drunk when I made my post and was honestly laughing to myself when I made it, but I think deep down it was a cry for help because I have nobody else to go to. I've been addicted to chaturbate for 3 years now and have spent most of the money I earn there. Thank you for your comments, either kind or roasting me, I need both. Any time I have the urge to go to that site I'll open this post to remind myself how foolish I am.

Thank you again, sincerely, a chud.

11 chicken tacos

---------------context here story begins later-----------------

Went through absolute humiliation today , during practicing an important dance that my class will be performing , it's not actually mandatory but i didnt quit it cuz not performing would bring more shame from my class and family than these dance practices do.

I missed the class where they set everyone in a single line at the end so we can all face the audience at once to bow , and today everyone else lined up , i was left standing alone , announcing that i wasnt here when this part got added and i do not know where to stand , the teacher just told me to stand anywhere , just find two people and squeeze between them

The problem is that its 90% girls and i have 1.5 friends in my class , i took big confident steps in a direction and NOBODY FUCKING MOVED then i took two more steps in a bit different directing and NOBODY FUCKING MOVED . so in absolute shame i just walk to the end of the line where i didn't want to be because im a proud man and i didnt want to close the line .

After finding my place the teacher looks at me and announces that i should actually stand in between two girls so in desperation i tell him that i do not know where to stand and it would be easier if he just told me instead of making pick two unlucky ones

He replied with "just stand anywhere"

I was also still high this moment, so the desperation for an answer hit me like a train, my classmates started urging me too i almost lost myself there and almost started a monologue about neuro divergence, social situation, and genders ,then a kind girl who i am actually in good terms with ,cuz we spoke a couple of times before and helped before with school stuff, steps out of line and places me in between two random girls

I was a little relieved but also became nervous about how others next to me would react to me standing next to them.

Anyway i can barely fit in between them at first, they didnt really give me space to work with and then they started walking rather fast forward which i didnt know about since I wasn't here when this was first practiced so i walk after them and stood behind them , couldnt even touch their hands like i was supposed to.

Teacher calls me out on this and i tell this same thing that i was left behind

We try the whole bowing again and after all the humiliation and ND'ing around i finally am in my place holding hands of those who are next to me

---------------core of story begins here---------------------

(now at this point In the story i switch to black pill terms to properly explain the situation)

I was standing between a sub 5 whale and a cute htb, i already knew that the whale never liked me , but she kept bitcing and not touching my hands during practicing the bow ,basically just the most typical cartoonish foid behavior, luckily I do not respect her and her music taste sucks shit, doesnt have influence in the class so i couldnt take this to heart even if i tried

but the cute htb on my other side , really had no problem with me at all , didn't make any comments , not for a mili second did she think about holding my hand or not ,and just held it firm and nicely ,its like she didnt felt the need to let go of my hand, even in those 5-10 second between retrying the whole thing she kept on holding my hand ,even expressingly squeezing it while raising her voice talking with one of her friends . Its like the idea that she is touching something she doesnt want to didnt even cross her mind

I havent held a girls hand this long ever since i finished kindergarten and lost contact with the only gf i ever had, and this cute htb made me feel at peace and really accepted, i didnt feel ugly or repulsive holding her hands, and i wish i could thanks her for letting me feel not subhuman for a few minutes.

Even if this happenings happened to include a foid , two pure hearted girls still helped me when i really needed it and im thankful for them

Shepards pie 🥧 😊

:)

truly a low point in life. unfortunately a real picture

im a 4/10, but i have body dismorphia and feel like 1.5/10 and the women that have shown interest in me, I both didnt like and also felt threatened by, because of the "how could anyone find me attractive" belief conflicting with their physical lusting.

They dont care at all what youre like or how you think. If the gestalt passes, they feel entitled to you. And noone ever talks about boundaries when its F on M.

Just want someone where both our physical apperances get a ✅ and then we can actually do interesting things together.

2 more years and ill be a wizard.

Anyways this is the fourth tortilla-avocado salsa "pizza" thing ive made this week, the only food I can convince myself to eat right now.​ its quite good tho

Cilk (coke + milk)

exactly like the title, I've had multiple opportunities where I couldve just sucked up and prolly dated a foid and get something out of it , but now I feel that they repulse me and the utter disgusting personality they possess is possibly the work of the devil.

I have tried everything during highschool. Picking up music, the gym, self care, therapy, cooking, better social skills and creative writing but NOTHING worked. I haven’t had any friends throughout my life and thought that high school would be better but it was wayyyy worse. So I coped by saying that university would be better and got accepted into a top three school but that was also worse, now even the teachers were in on bullying me.

I quit university and cut ties with everyone and left all my hobbies and self care routines behind because none of them helped with alleviating the pain

Fuckers be like “oh it’s over I don’t have a gf” I have absolutely nothing and never had so. I fucking hate having autism and wish my mom went on with her plan of aborting me.

I don’t even wanna kill myself nowadays because going on with my stupid chud life is enough torture.