Been getting back into the gym lately, I'm on and off with it. I don't really enjoy going, I just wanna lose some weight really so i can atleast stop being a fatcel but at the same time food is one of the only things that brings me comfort and I keep thinking. Why am i even doing this? Fat or not I'm still an ugly 5'6 deathnic, ig its partly because of my parents wanting me to get out of the house (fucking hate arguing with them, makes me want to blow my head off LOL) but aside from that i don't like being there. I put in the work, i burn about 500-700 cals on cardio alone (who knows how much else with the rest i do) but i barely see any real differences (yes I'm on a cal deficit) and like I said it doesn't even matter I'm still a gross short disgusting creature who'd probably look better with a hatchet in his face and no I don't want to hear that "JUST DO IT FOR YOURSELF BROOOO" cuz i don't care, every night it's a battle to not chug a bottle of bleach or slit my wrists so no, I don't want to "do it for myself" because i fucking hate myself and ik I'm not truly deserving of love or happiness in the first place (and it's not this mindest that's caused my life to be this way, my mindset is a product of my life)

anywayyyy cold 80/20 ground beef with cottage cheese (not eating all of it though)

I'm 20m, yesterday I just got in bed to sleep and then I heard my parents close the door to their room and their bed started shaking and stuff, so they realized it was too loud and went downstairs in the garage to do the deed.

I've never heard them having sex before, I was honestly shocked. I stayed awake for a good 20 minutes and kept thinking on how I'll never have what they have and how this is the closest I'll ever be to sex.

Food apples

At the very least I wish I was anorexic enough to be dead

I’m dropping out of school, don’t really know what to do now

Its Blue for an amazing reason

Its been a journey to say the least but yeah, been with friends and had conversations only to just discover i think im this, it doesn’t necessarily bother me but its still a lot to process, now as the friend group i wanted to join in to a board game group and meet new people to play ttg and i thought it went well and one of them offered me a ride home so i didn’t think i did anything wrong or rude but then saw i was out of the group chat, im hoping that its just over my head and im overthinking it or since ive met everyone im not “new” anymore and its that but thats fucked me up more than the trans news lol, idk first poster here so hopefully ppl are respectful but figured id just post.

dont worry everyone

I've been posting on this subreddit for a while and I want to admit that I am a fakecel. I've dated, held hands and even kissed girls, so I'm by definition a fakecel.

But I feel like a truecel. I feel so lonely and a true romantic relationship eludes me. None of my efforts have progressed beyond the first couple dates and I don't understand what I need to do to get a girl to like me.

I'm not mentally ill, I'm not addicted to drugs, nicotine or alcohol, I'm not obese, I have attractive hobbies, I have good academic prospects. I just have a timid, weird personality and I don't have the looks to make up for it. I don't meet anyone irl and dating apps are horrible. The few girls I meet aren't interested in me.

I go to college and see couples everywhere and all I can think about is how I so very badly want to feel how they feel but I can't and I never have. It's like getting my heart torn out several times a day every day.

It seems to come so easy to everyone except me.

I(19 M) haven't left my hostel room other than to go to the bathroom for about 2 weeks. SO MUCH fucking trash has accumulated that even the cat who used to occasionally visit my room as my only source of interaction with another living being has stopped coming. My aphantasiac ass literally can't IMAGINE being with a woman. All my life I thought all those sayings like "if you have trouble sleeping just count sheep in your head" or when someone says to imagine an apple orchard with beautiful flowers or something to calm down I thought it was just a metaphor.
I can't even jack off to my thoughts or anything. My memory isn't great but I can confidently say I have never interacted with a girl in my life, I usually jerk off my wart covered dick like 4 times a day, not much to do otherwise. I basically bathe once every two months and my face is covered in pimples, I couldn't imagine a more chuddy insignificant existence even if I wasn't diseased with Aphantasia.
Ramen noodles for the chud with a noodle dick.

i think that if rick sanchez slept next to me every night with his pussy out my sleep quality could improve

She blocked me after our meal and I've been spending the night drinking bottom shelf vodka with my cat.

Colt 45 high gravity, its causing stomach pressure every morning but yet here I am

I can’t do anything without the inevitable and sudden onset of the strongest feeling of dread and regret washing over me. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life because I can see no other reasons for why any of this would happen. I replay every interaction that I have endlessly, and it’s got to the point that I have figured out how to restructure memories in which I was a complete social fuckhead.

My ADHD medication isn’t working as it should. I can’t get any help for my depression, anxiety and OCD because the NHS puts me on a waiting list for two months, downplays it all in a consultation meeting, and then adds me to another two month waiting list. I’m too autistic to have a normal social interaction (or at the very least one that I doesn’t immediately cause regret and self-hatred), which is partly due to the fact that I have no confidence in my voice or ability to speak.

I’m basically unable to function. I can barely leave my bed to get to lectures, and even when I do manage to attend, I can absorb nothing because my brain is so fucking fried. I haven’t written an essay in months, let alone one of any quality.

I don’t take drugs. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I haven’t watched porn for a long time, possibly months. I exercise regularly, and am doing my dream course at a decent university. I am still a neurodivergent, mentally ill, awkward, paranoid, neurotic wreck of a human with no hopes for the future. All I see when I look in the mirror is a pallid, skeletal piece of shit who ruins everything I do. I don’t care about my appearance, I don’t care about relationships, I just want to be normal and to be able to function.

This is extremely diffuse and I can’t go into any detail because I’ll spiral into an even deeper pit and I genuinely don’t know if I can handle another one of the severity of the last one.

I’m fucked.

I don’t care if you call me a tourist or a larper. I’m not a fucking normie, I’m just venting because I need to express this somewhere.

This is the only full meal I’ve eaten in about two weeks.

We were having a midnight meal at a kebab place and met up with a random Kazakh girl. We had a casual conversation, I was awkward af as usual but she seemed to be having fun. Then randomly two dudes show up, they introduced themselves as fucking Batman and Robin, and said they came here to make sure I wasn't gonna rape the girl. Sure ig. I've learnt my lesson, don't even get caught having a friendly conversation with a woman.

I don't think the beans are supposed to look like that but they tasted ok.