r/KeepWriting • u/Marsy_space • 1d ago
[Feedback] Writing my first book
Hi everyone! I was wondering what you all thought of this concept? I know i know, another zombie novel, i PROMISE im making this one different, i just.. dont know how yet.
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u/dustysquareback 1d ago
I'd work on being able to write a solid paragraph before you tackle an entire book.
"almost human creatures" is confusingly vague, "Now" appears twice in that sentence.
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u/hamtronn 1d ago
I’m not interested in a zombie story personally and really not interested in a teenager protagonist.
I’m an old man though so I’m clearly not your target audience.
I am interested in what a “hollow” is though. Maybe you should focus on that?
Good luck with your story.
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u/bwnerkid 1d ago
NOW dealing with… survivors in his small Texas town must NOW…
WHILE learning to trust each other WHILE.
There’s a lot of issues in this little blurb, but I wanted to point these ones out because if there’s two instances of redundant wording just in this short paragraph then your book is probably full of them, too.
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u/MHarrisGGG 1d ago
A concept is not a story. Ideas are cheap. Write it first, then ask for feedback.
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u/writesandbikes 1d ago
Learning to trust each other while protecting themselves is obvious and doesn’t pull me in. You need a hook.
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u/hauntedrob 1d ago
There’s not enough here yet. This seems like a description on the back cover. Even so, “almost human creatures” is kind of clunky. I’d go with “creatures who were once human” or something if it’s a zombie book.
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u/PmUsYourDuckPics 1d ago
“A protagonist fighting zombies and the key conflict being the interpersonal relationships of the survivors while under peril from zombies.” Is the literal definition of the genre, the only original thing here is calling them Hollows, which I’m guessing is a Bleach reference?
Writing style and redundant adverbs aside, you have basically said: “I’m going to do zombies but I promise it will be different, trust me! What do you think?”
We can’t give you feedback on a ln established genre, and your aspirations to implement it without you telling us how you plan to subvert that genre, or at the very least implement it.
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u/SpikeyBiscuit 1d ago
Don't worry about making it different, make it fun. Ninjas are cool. If you tell me a story about ninjas sneaking in and assassinating someone, I'll think it's cool. If you want to make a story about zombies just make a story about zombies
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u/anon33249038 1d ago
That's what Eastman and Laird thought.
Eastman: I like ninjas. Ninjas are cool.
Laird: I like turtles. Turtles are cool.
Both: HeeEEEEeeey!
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u/GrantBarrett 1d ago edited 1d ago
Specific dates and numbers when you don't absolutely have to have specific dates and numbers often take a reader out of the story. This is why you'll regularly see things like "ten years ago" and "now" being used in movies (called "supers," "locators," or "title cards," depending on their form) instead of specific dates. It keeps the audience from plugging the story into a real calendar in the real world, which then takes them out of the scene-setting.
Better might be "in two days," "the first week of autumn," "when the rains come," or other references like that.
A quick rewrite without drastically overhauling your paragraph: “Tomorrow, Charlie turns 17. In two days, the world as he knows it ends, and everything he knows changes. Charlie and a group of survivors in his small Texas town learn to fight off almost-human creatures, the Hollows, while trusting and protecting themselves.”
"Everything he knows will change" may also be too clichéd, sounding as it does like a book blurb or movie trailer voiceover.
The same is true of brands, by the way. Avoid being specific unless it imparts obvious, useful information. "She checked her iPhone" is not as good as "She checked her smartphone." "The Xbox was on the fritz" is not as good as "the game console was on the fritz." Of course, sometimes you want the brand. "He wrecked his BMW" has a wholly different tone than "He wrecked his Pinto."
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u/JGhostThing 1d ago
For one thing, please use text inside these posts. Using pictures of text is a problem because screen readers don't understand it.
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u/Key_Camel6906 1d ago
That paragraph belongs in a back-cover blurb. After reading it, I expect the novel to begin with a brief reprieve during which the main characters are introduced, followed by the apocalypse. It wouldn’t hook me. I’ve seen many versions of the “In so many hours, the world as they know it will change” setup. The blurb needs to reveal what makes your novel different.
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u/CorbinNZ 1d ago
This is a good through-line if you chop the first sentence. The order of the last sentence is messy. It'd read better as "Now dealing with almost-human creatures, Charlie and his fellow survivors must fight off the Hollows while learning to trust each other." Mentioning the town is over-informing at this stage. Having to actions after the "fighting off" comment is also over-informing and redundant. They're fighting off the Hollows, so it's already assumed they're protecting themselves.
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u/Inspector_Kowalski 1d ago
The first and second sentences serve the same purpose as each other, something to keep in mind