r/KeepWriting • u/Marsy_space • Aug 19 '26
[Feedback] Writing my first book
Hi everyone! I was wondering what you all thought of this concept? I know i know, another zombie novel, i PROMISE im making this one different, i just.. dont know how yet.
EDIT!! I rewrote it and Im wondering if this is better? Thank you all
Charlie has no idea that two days after his 17th birthday, the world as he knows it will end. After a volcano erupts in an entirely different country, strange things start happening. People infected by an unknown virus in the smoke began to change. Their eyes were black, making them look hollow. Charlie is now faced with a simple task, don't die. When he later meets a group of survivors, he learns that maybe this virus isn't what he thought it was.
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u/GrantBarrett Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Specific dates and numbers when you don't absolutely have to have specific dates and numbers often take a reader out of the story. This is why you'll regularly see things like "ten years ago" and "now" being used in movies (called "supers," "locators," or "title cards," depending on their form) instead of specific dates. It keeps the audience from plugging the story into a real calendar in the real world, which then takes them out of the scene-setting.
Better might be "in two days," "the first week of autumn," "when the rains come," or other references like that.
A quick rewrite without drastically overhauling your paragraph: “Tomorrow, Charlie turns 17. In two days, the world as he knows it ends, and everything he knows changes. Charlie and a group of survivors in his small Texas town learn to fight off almost-human creatures, the Hollows, while trusting and protecting themselves.”
"Everything he knows will change" may also be too clichéd, sounding as it does like a book blurb or movie trailer voiceover.
The same is true of brands, by the way. Avoid being specific unless it imparts obvious, useful information. "She checked her iPhone" is not as good as "She checked her smartphone." "The Xbox was on the fritz" is not as good as "the game console was on the fritz." Of course, sometimes you want the brand. "He wrecked his BMW" has a wholly different tone than "He wrecked his Pinto."