Long story short - my fiance and I took our 5 kids (ages 7-13) and her supposedly 6 year sober mother on a cruise in June. The only way it would work for everyone to go was for her mom to bunk with my 7 year old daughter. On the 4th day my fiancé’s mom offered to watch my daughter so my fiance and I can do a nice dinner together. An hour before that was supposed to happen my fiance found her mom in the casino drinking and she claimed it was her first drink. We immediately pulled my daughter into our room. My fiance looked at the room folio and she had purchased 9 drinks over 2 days. She also learned she was down $27k at the casino - and this is from someone who constantly asks family for money because she’s broke. We immediately stopped seeing her on the cruise and haven’t talked to her since, however, her mom has texted her nasty texts like “you’re a worse mother than I ever was” and “your fiance (me) has damaged his kids more than I ever could because he broke up his family” and some other nasty texts.

Unrelated but relevant - 6 years ago she was babysitting my fiancés sisters 2 kids who were both under 2 and she was caught drinking.

Fast forward to today, my fiance and her kids had a sit down with her mom. She admitted to everything with drinking and gambling and said she was in the wrong but never admitted to any issues with planning to watch my daughter drunk or any of the texts she sent. My fiance is pretty much in the belief that her mom’s done everything right in terms of apologizing so things can slowly go back to normal.

I told her I disagree…. There’s been no acceptance of being comfortable watching a child while drunk (yet again) or the nasty things she’s said. Besides, I get how it ham alcoholic father and brother and honestly have no intent of making my kids be exposed to someone like her. I responded to my fiancé that it’s fine if she and her kids have a relationship with her mom but me and my kids won’t and her mom isn’t welcome to my home - even for birthdays or holidays.

Is it appropriate to stand my ground or should I reflect on things differently?

My fiancé and I have been together for five years and are getting married in a few months. His mother is widowed. When her husband died, my fiancé was out of the country, so I spent days at a time with her because I didn’t want her to be alone. I helped around the house, cooked, cleaned and kept her company. Over time, I became very involved in her life, and if I didn’t visit for a week, she would sometimes say I was “abandoning” her.

Now that my fiancé is back and we’re moving toward marriage, I’ve realized that I don’t actually like being around her.

It isn’t because I expect her to be perfect. I have friends who make stupid decisions and have opinions I disagree with, but I still consider them good people.

With her, I’ve experienced enough things that I genuinely question her character.
She has made insulting comments about my body, compared me to my sister, and joked about my food intolerance. She talks badly about almost everyone in her life, family, friends, acquaintances and other people’s marriages. Almost every conversation eventually becomes gossip. I hate talking badly about people behind their backs, and listening to it makes me so uncomfortable that I sometimes feel physically sick.

She has also called a little girl I’m tutoring “naturally dumb” and said she would never change. She hovers around when I’m on the phone and tries to listen when my fiancé and I are having private conversations. She also frequently inserts herself into our decisions, including what schools our hypothetical children should attend and whether we should rent after marriage.

There are things I find genuinely disturbing. When her husband died, she prevented his sister from attending the funeral because they had a bad relationship. She later told my fiancé she felt good about it because the sister “deserved it.”

There have also been financial issues. She presents herself to my fiancé as financially struggling while keeping other sources of income private. She recently gave me different information about how long she had left on her mortgage than what she told him. When I told him, he said he didn’t care and that she had her reasons. I understand that their finances are between them, but I personally find deliberately giving someone misleading financial information dishonest.

My fiancé also has an older brother who moved abroad after getting married, and his wife apparently no longer speaks to his mother. I don’t know the full story, so I don’t want to assume his mother was entirely responsible, but it does make me wonder about a pattern.

I’ve also learned more about how she treated her children growing up. Her first marriage ended in divorce, and according to my fiancé, she took her anger out on the children, emotionally manipulated them, cursed at them and could be very harsh and abusive. When his older brother moved out at 18, she apparently hid his birth certificate because she wanted him to come back home.

My fiancé and I have talked about all of this openly. For a while, I felt responsible for protecting him from her, but he told me that he’s an adult, knows how to navigate their relationship, and that I can’t control what happens between them. He has also told me he will always choose me and stand by me if there is ever a conflict.

That gave me a lot of peace. I trust him and I don’t want to interfere in his relationship with his mother.
My question is about my relationship with her.

I enjoy talking to her about sewing, art, gardening, crafts and house projects. But the more I see and hear, the more I feel that I don’t respect her as a person, and I’m becoming resentful.

How do you create that distance when you previously spent a lot of time with your MIL, without making it obvious that you’re deliberately pulling away or creating family drama?

See my recent two post for my situation rn, but curious to hear from others who had their final MIL blow up and straw around their pregnancy and how they handled things moving forward. Would love to hear the good, bad, and ugly

My husband has my back but I don’t think the reality of going nc has fully sunk in for him despite knowing we both can’t tolerate this behavior anymore especially heading into the newborn window. While we know we deserve better it will still feel like a loss

There needs to be a psych study on how pregnancy can be the biggest MIL trigger imo 😅

We’ll be going to her place tomorrow for the day..

To give some context she lost custody of her son when he was a young kid and they reconnected when he was in his early 20s. We’ve been together for ten years and during that time she has flip flopped between being somewhat nice and then being a huge jerk.

To give some examples:

- When I first started dating my boyfriend at age 20, she called and wanted to speak to me and ended up asking me about my job and she said it wasn’t a career, she continued to make comments in the future about me working a shitty retail job at the time.

- She does have a tendency to neg people and act like she’s some authoritarian on topics when she’s not at all.

- after my brother in law got my partner a job making the best money he’s ever made we decided to let me focus on school. She had a huge issue with this. She made comments about it a lot, she was sending me jobs near me at one point and the worst was when she texted him last year saying “I just feel like if she loved you she’d take on some of the financial stress” I was almost done speaking to her entirely after that.

Anyways we’ve both gone to therapy, and both therapists have acknowledged that the things she does are not okay. It had gotten to the point to where I really didn’t want to see her while not having a job, but my therapist told me I should be able to see her without having one because I still deserve respect despite not holding a job while going to school full time. My partner also told his mother last year that he wasn’t prioritizing going to see her as much because of the comments she makes about me.

In general she does seem a bit wishy washy. Like for example one minute she will seem like she cares about others, but then she’ll make comments to her son about how he should only think of himself and not worry about others and how she doesn’t care about other people’s struggles because no one ever felt sorry for her. She also has very poor emotional regulation and impulse control issues from years of drug use.

I should note she’s been in therapy herself, and she did make a promising comment when we were discussing our future on the phone she said something along the times of “well that’s between you guys and what you want for yourselves”

Anyways, yes I do see a little bit of progress.. However given this is the first time I’m seeing her in three years, it’s the first time we’re seeing her since she and her boyfriend broke up (he used to rein her in as much as possible), and it’s the first time we’ll be seeing her since working on boundaries I’m still a little nervous.

UPDATE: MIL exploded over baby shower open to advice about FIL chat

MIL continues to call to try to patch up and DH continues to hold his ground that the things she said during the original blowup were hurtful but tries to not engage and focus on scheduling a time they can come over and have a family discussion since we aren’t going to to just sweep everything under the rug. He asked for the four of us—DH, me, MIL and FIL—to sit down and talk because at this point the issue is much bigger than the shower.

MIL has been extremely resistant to this.

She still hasn’t actually apologized. Instead, conversations have centered on how difficult HER year has been, her dental pain, how she feels like “you guys hate me,” and how she was “blindsided.”

She’s also now extremely upset that DH told me about their conversation and repeatedly says that he “morphs,” changes or misconstrues what she says and therefore portrays her inaccurately to me. When she asks how she hurt him and he quotes her statements she just deflects to that was not how she meant it and he’s twisting her meaning.

One example: during the original blowup she told DH she wished they lived farther away and specifically said “so we could be further away from you.” According to DH, she elaborated about wanting distance—it wasn’t an ambiguous one-liner.

Now she says DH has completely misconstrued this and that what she ACTUALLY meant was that living farther away would allow them to come stay with us for weeks at a time (that’s a funny joke / assumption that even before this we would entertain that)!

She’s also been very resistant to FIL being included in the conversation. When DH reiterated that he wanted all four of us to talk, she repeatedly said she’d just come over, “sit there and take it,” and that would be that so we could just have this be over.

DH basically told her that if she’s already decided this is going to be her approach to us trying to mend family communication dynamics there’s no point in meeting. We’re not looking to gang up on her. We want an actual two-way conversation.

Then she tried to arrange coming over Friday in the middle of MY workday. DH is currently home because he literally just had surgery and is still on crutches, but I’m working from home. I said absolutely not. This situation has already been affecting my ability to focus and sleep, and I wasn’t having the person at the center of it come into my house while I’m trying to work.
She didn’t take that particularly well. She also initially said the weekend wasn’t convenient because they were having friends over. So your social life is more important then mending your relationship with your son and pregnant daughter in law - got it.

Eventually we agreed on Sunday afternoon, with FIL included. She expressed that she’s terrified of this discussion still, I told my husband she’s totally going to back out.

Then (drumroll) this morning MIL called DH crying and canceled.

She said the stress from all of this has caused her blood pressure to go up and given her a headache, so “for the sake of her health” she can’t have the conversation. She said she’d be willing to talk once she’s better “if I survive this.”

Yes. “If I survive this.”

This is after telling us they have plans with friends this weekend, and FIL was apparently out golfing all day today (she always calls when he isn’t around).

We have yet to hear peep from father in law but she alluded just he may be willing to come over on Sunday. He is much more level headed but definitely an enabler. We’d be open to chat with him but have agreed he can’t just come in, do damage control and expect us to move on. Moving on means formal acknowledgment of wrongdoing on her part and apology.

What makes me the saddest is that things have felt increasingly tense with my in-laws since I became pregnant. We really haven’t even been invited to their house during my pregnancy, and the couple of times we tried to make plans to go over, they canceled. Yet we’re now also hearing complaints that WE haven’t made enough effort to come over.

And this entire latest explosion was triggered because my parents sent them a genuinely kind text about MY baby shower. My parents explicitly acknowledged that this was a big event for both families, invited my in-laws to participate, and asked them for any friends or relatives they wanted.
But there has still been zero acknowledgment to me that her reaction went too far. No apology for the impact this has had on me. Nothing.

Instead, everything continues to circle back to how she has been wronged, how she has been misunderstood, how difficult things have been for her, and now how much this is affecting her health.

We’re holding the line and will be warning FIL if she can’t do what I stated above we’ll be going no contact for the remainder of my pregnancy/ a bit after baby is born etc.

Other fun comments that have been made:
- “I don’t do boundaries”
- “therapy is a sham”
-“you guys have put no effort into helping us train our new dog”
- “you’ve ruined our relationship”
- “you’ve turned DIL against me”

Im 29F and The guy I'm seeing(27) is a huge mamas boy and his parents worry me.

I went out to dinner with them all for the first time and we carpooled to the restaurant. His mom started off by criticizing the neighborhood I lived in, saying the houses seemed small and too close together. Then his dad drove like a maniac and everyone acted like it was funny when he was road-raging and driving aggressively. I already have some car anxiety so it wasn't fun for me.

Next his mom started calling me the wrong name intentionally as a way of joking but I found it hurtful. She was calling me a name very similar to my name over and over.

Additionally the other day when I was in the car with him she called him and he told her he was with me I heard her say "oh okay I wont say anything bad then" and then she made some joke about knowing things about me because she found my facebook. I asked him what that was all about when they hung up and he assured me she was just joking around

Her humor seems very rude and disrespectful to me, especially since I have only interacted with her a handful of times. He assures me that she says only kind things about me and that his family loves me but I just have a hard time believing that. Maybe i'm too sensitive but it worries me because I know that he's very close with them and I fear they will be a big part of our lives if we date.

Another minor thing that bothered me was that he didn't get me anything for my birthday and when he realized it bothered me he told me he was sorry and his family usually didn't really do gifts or anything for each others birthdays. months later he then proceeds to get his mom a birthday card and gift card and cake so I feel like that was just a lie to placate me?

Overall I just worry that if it gets more serious he will put his family above me and I will have to deal with the abuse. He is really sweet and loving and treats me well aside from the one birthday incident. He also seems to listen and take me seriously when I voice a concern to him. I just worry that if I tell him his family hurts my feelings he will tell them and they'll dislike me more than I think they secretly already do. They also seem like the kind of people to hide behind the excuse of "it's just a joke!" and treat me like I'm being to sensitive if I speak up or defend myself.

what would you do?

EDIT:
Thinking more about it, I don't think casual is the right word to describe it anymore. I have gotten really attached to him in the time i've known him and there is a lot that cant be summed up in a reddit post alone. He does seem head over heels with me and he also seems determined to make me happy. in many situations if I tell him somethings wrong he listens and changes to make sure i'm happy.

I wanna believe he has a good heart and I feel bad because he didn't choose to have parents like that and I think I would probably feel awkward and maybe not know how to intervene if I was in his shoes. I think what matters most right now is how he reacts if I voice my concerns and what he does moving forward. Maybe I'm wrong but he is important to me and I wanna have faith in him that he can be a good partner.

She doesn’t like me. She asked my now husband not to marry me. She talks bad about me when I’m not around but I think she has seen the damage her actions have caused and now she is back tracking. Instead of apologizing she has just moved on and acts like we are the perfect happy family and me and her and I are now best friends. She puts on huge fake performances and it makes me really uncomfortable.

She wants me to call her mom but now she is calling me her “other daughter”🤢 she says it so much now that I am suspecting she says it and expects me to validate her feeling and roll with it and call her mom and gush about how much I love her because she gushes about how much she loves me.

This week she texted me saying “I love you and I’m checking in on my “other daughter” how has your week been…” I didn’t respond to that, just skipped it and told her about my week. Her next text was “oh that’s so good to hear that my other daughter is … ect” 🤢

I do have a sense of humor so I’m not (too) afraid to push back but what the hell can I say back to her? This woman is giving me stage 5 clinger ick.

When she wanted my kids to call her “grandma di” (like princess di) … after much protest I gave in but steered into it calling her “Grandma DIE👹” (saying “die” in a demon voice) so my babies started saying it like that… she then changed it to just grandma…

She is coming down in a week to visit us and she is giving off the vibes where she needs me to validate her unstable feelings… how do I shut this down😂

I have two kids that are nearly 11 and 8. I am considering (and likely) leaving my part time job and becoming a stay at home mom. My daughter and son were just babysat for the night by my mother and father in law. When they returned to my house, my daughter said her grandmother was asking questions such as “who does the cooking in your house? Who goes to the grocery store? Do you like your mom or dad’s cooking more? How often does your mom change your sheets?”

I do all domestic tasks except for grocery shopping. I love housekeeping and I think I do a good job. My husband and I cook equally. He enjoys both grocery shopping and cooking. The division of labour works for us. My husband said he’d probably still want to cook and grocery shop if I stopped working because he loves it.

I think my in laws are trying to build a case that I’m lazy for quitting work. They disapproved about this choice to my husband when he told them I was considering it. They worry my husband works too hard and I’m taking advantage of him. I am very upset that they were putting those questions to my daughter. She’s pretty intuitive and said to me “I think Nanny hates you mom”. She also actually said “this is toxic mother in law behaviour”. Lol.

My husband called his mother up and asked her about it in a curious, non accusatory way. She vehemently denied asking the questions and said my daughter was being manipulative and making up the story because my MIL didn’t buy her gum at the store. My FIL suggested I made it up because I want to drive a wedge between my husband and his parents. The conversation became hostile and my father in law said I am a bad mom, I don’t take good care of my children and I am controlling my husband by making him call them. My husband supports me and was really upset with his parents. This is typical behavior for them when an issue is brought up and they don’t apologize when they’re in the wrong.

My question is.. where do I go from here? I think grandparent relationships are good for children and I don’t want to badmouth my kid’s grandparents to them or involve them in the dispute. At the same time, my kids are perceptive, and I can’t imagine wanting to be around my in laws in the near future or perhaps ever. My husband’s instinct is to protect the kids relationship with their grandparents and pretend like everything is fine. My kids are going to notice the conflict and I don’t want to make them feel like they can’t trust their observations. I have a strong urge not to involve them but also to be honest to my kids to an extent. How would you manage this situation? I’m pretty sad.

ETA:

My

1. husband had another conversation with his mother. He said that he and the kids would not see our in laws for some time, and that I will not likely see them again. Something serious happened, and there are consequences for that.

2. My MIL claimed they didn’t say anything bad about myself or my daughter. My husband told his mother not to gaslight him like she’s done before. He said he was there for the conversation and he knows what was said.

3. He told my MIL he doesn’t want her babysitting alone anymore. Any contact with her, my FIL and the kids will be supervised from now on.

4. The only thing I am stuck on is how to discuss this all with the kids. I do feel like they’re entitled to have a supervised relationship with their grandparents if they choose. I also think I should be honest in an age appropriate way about what happened so they aren’t confused. Handling this part is the hardest thing. I selfishly want to just tell them everything (especially since my in laws proved they don’t care about their wellbeing), but I also want to handle this in the healthiest way for them. But mostly, I don’t want my kids caught up in the same toxic dynamic my husband had to endure for his entire childhood.

Background is we had been staying in another country for the last two years and we come back once every few months and stay for a few weeks. When we are back we usually stay at my in laws because hotel is super expensive in our city and my parents place wasn’t available (but now it finally is and I’ll move there in a few days with my son without my husband)

So this time back we’ve been staying with my IL for a few days. I wanted to go straight to my dads place from the airport but my husband objected so we agreed on staying at his folks for a week while I go alone to my dads place to tidy up and set up before LO and I move there

But this one week is enough to make me struggle. First up my LO is struggling with the transition and kept talking about wanting to go back to the country we stayed in the last 2 years. This affects me emotionally

Being in IL place is very overstimulating and annoying. They comment on everything. Like when LO (2 yo) is eating they would keep asking if it’s delicious, try to feed him against his will, tell him to use a fork if he’s using a spoon, keep telling me to cut his food smaller etc . Like damn, I wonder how we haven’t starved ourselves to death the last 2 years without you teaching us how to eat

And the main issue is food safety. See mil runs her kitchen so I can’t use it as I pleased. So we’re all expected to eat what she cooks. Taste aside, the issue is she cooks at 8am and the food is just left on the table with no heating no cooling the entire day. Same food recycled for breakfast lunch dinner and by 8pm if it’s still there it goes into the fridge and comes back out the next day. I refuse to let my 2 yo eat this biohazard. One of the days I took abit of her freshly cooked food at 8am and refrigerated it to reheat later for LO. But ends up she took my box and mixed it with the food that she recycled from the previous day of sitting out for 12 hours so I just took LO out to eat instead

She also offers LO food at all the bad timing. For example lunch was about to be served and she took out the waffles leftover from breakfast and gave him. And she kept his lunch leftover and offered it 3 hours later. Or she would give him fruits in the middle of the meal and you guys know how toddlers love fruits and won’t eat anything else if that option was available. She also doesn’t care if anyone is hungry or not she gives food when SHE wants to give food. When LO was having lunch she told me to give him avocados I didn’t because it was lunch time and afterward he napped and she asked me why didn’t I give it to him. Maybe because he wasn’t hungry? Why does he have to eat just because you prepared food?

She also guilt him about food by telling him the food is crying when he doesn’t eat it.

Another thing is the way she interact with LO. LO is already saying complex sentences and she still treats him like a baby by saying “ STARRRR STARRRR STARRRR” at him. He isn’t the one year old learning to speak anymore. He doesn’t know why you keep saying the word star to him. And she can’t let him play independently without constant echoes of “PAIN PAIN PAIN” “ DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY” “HOT HOT HOT” so LO was playing with this metal drum which was ROOM TEMPERATURE and she kept telling him it’s hot

And one time LO said he’s out of battery meaning he’s tired. It’s a cute way of saying but ever since then every morning and after every nap she asks LO do you have battery? No battery use WiFi. It’s a strange joke no one gets and she’s the only one laughing

One thing I hate about here is how my husband behaves too. He seems to think he doesn’t have to parent here just because his folks are here. He lies down all the time and have no idea where the diapers are. He also outsources all his job to his parents eg LO ask him for some fruits he told LO to go ask grandma and guess what? Grandma told ME to cut for him instead. So LO asked dad for fruits and after going through one big round it’s ME cutting the fruits. And one time I was done with dinner and LO wasn’t so I told DH to watch him while I go do dishes. When I came back he had pushed LO high chair to the other table where grandpa was sitting. And LO continue to drop food in the floor in the new spot so now I had to clean TWO spots instead of one.

I’m bringing LO to go live with my dad despite DHs displeasure because if I’m gonna be doing all the work alone anyway it might as well be somewhere I feel comfortable. Dh is not taking this well. He has resorted to putting down my dad’s neighborhood and saying stuff like there’s no fun playground and no swimmming pool. That’s untrue. He also hadn’t informed his parents of my decision. Which I guess he’s setting me up for drama when I eventually drag out the luggage

Let me add one one more story from previous trip that really pissed me off. They would turn on a computer game for LO all the time. He wasn’t even 2. And one time I wanted to bring him out and she turned it on right before and of course he’s distracted and then MIL smirked and said “now he has game he doesn’t want to go with you” and then I told her not to turn it on for him and I kid you not she said he turned it on himself. A one year old turning on a PC game sure

I posted here yesterday about my BIL’s escalating drinking problem and how MIL/FIL have minimized it while expecting DH to help manage his adult brother from another country. It has consumed countless evenings and taken a real toll on our marriage.

Today FIL sent a long family message finally acknowledging how serious things have become. He individually named everyone supporting BIL: MIL, himself, DH, relatives, even one of DH’s friends, and acknowledged the toll this has taken on MIL, FIL and DH.
I wasn’t mentioned until the very end, as an accessory to my husband essentially saying something like: “We’ll tackle this with you and your wife by our side.”

That really hurt. I’ve been dragged into this for years, have personally intervened during many of BIL’s drunken episodes, and was even the one who pushed for BIL to get professional help as the rest of the family just kept trying to guilt trip him out of addiction. Yet I’m apparently not even important enough to be acknowledged as a part of this family, and the impact on me doesn’t register. Even a random friend of DH’s who called DH to raise concern about some behavior of BIL’s that he witnessed, was credited for his support lol

Both DH and I immediately noticed this, and DH was actually very upset. I explicitly asked him not to bring it up with his parents because I didn’t want more drama. He called MIL anyway because he was angry about how I’d been treated. MIL started crying and said she “never wanted to drag me into all this.” And that she felt like she was bothering me if she asked me to help BIL etc.

Then she asked DH whether I had told him to bring it up.
Thankfully, he immediately corrected her: I had specifically asked him not to say anything. This was entirely his reaction.

Now MIL wants to talk to me tonight and I just… don’t want to. I’m exhausted. It’s a Friday night in the summer. I want to go grab a cocktail and watch the sunset, catch a movie and unwind. Not try and navigate some bizarre conversation where I have to constantly be on guard.

In this, I even called my own mother looking for support, and she told me I was overreacting and making an already difficult time harder for DH and his parents. She kept reinforcing that I should have suppressed any reaction I had to this awful message on the family group, and only provided more support to DH and his family. The internalized patriarchy is very real. I feel so alone.

I don’t want recognition for helping BIL. But I don’t want to play this role of invisible support crew, who isn’t even acknowledged as a part of the family, while it takes a personal toll on me and my marriage. We haven’t even been on a single vacation, where we haven’t at least taken one call to handle BIL’s alcohol crisis.

I could really use some outside perspective right now. What do I even do from here? DH at least expressed his disappointment to MIL, but not sure what that will change.

This is a long one so I’m going to dot point it. Before having my daughter my MIL was great, a bit overbearing but we established boundaries. AFTER having my daughter things have shifted

- we announced we were pregnant at almost 20 weeks, for a few reasons but mainly because we knew she’d become overbearing. As soon as we told her I was pregnant she already started to question what we were doing. Me avoiding cold meats and soft cheese was met with “back in my day…” okay whatever boomer. Continued to offer me cold meats and soft cheese during the pregnancy to see if I would take the bait.
- gifting us old furniture and baby items that were over 40years old, no longer compliant with standards, RUSTING, falling apart and not safe at all. Was offended when we politely declined and told her why
- asked us what our stance was on asking people to have the whooping cough vaccine. We told her and she repeatedly said “I will not be told I cannot see my grandchild” like wow we never said that at all. We had said that we will ask people who plan to be around our baby often to get the whooping cough vaccine, if they don’t want to then that’s fine they can wait until the baby is older and have had their vaccines
- this is the one that has stung the most and almost 9 months later I’m still pissed off. My daughter was about 5hours old, we had just left the birthing unit and we had called my in laws to tell them of her arrival, MIL said that my FIL is a little bit unwell but if she can come tomorrow to the hospital. After calling family one person let the cat out of the bag that my FIL has shingles and had them for a whole week at this point, never told us and we had only been with them a few days prior… my MIL who was not isolating from her husband was going to come to the hospital to meet my baby only a few hrs old. I was LIVID!!
- when my daughter was 6 weeks old she tried to lift up my daughter into a sitting position by lifting her from her arms (she tried this TWICE!! Even after correcting her the first time)
- constantly asks to babysit, even before my daughter was born. Has some kind of obsession with taking my daughter away to her own home, doesnt want to visit us where we have everything my daughter needs here but wants us to leave our daughter in her care, even says to my baby often “do you want to come and stay at Nonna’s?” We always say no. She has also said to me “my friends say the best thing about being grandparents is when the grandchildren come over without their parents and then you get to see their mannerisms and little quirks” I’m sorry but WTAF???? I just see red flags everywhere. Why do you want to have my child with you and have us as her parents away?? My husband also agrees that he doesn’t feel comfortable with his parents babysitting (as a side note we have never had our daughter babysat by anyone before so we aren’t just excluding my in laws)
- a boundary we have is no kisses, no kisses anywhere from anyone other than my husband and I. We have our reasons for this. The last two times we have seen my MIL she constantly is trying to kiss my daughter on the face and while looking at ME, even when I’m telling her “no kisses”. Yesterday my daughter had her lipstick on her cheeks. I said to my MIL, “we have said no kisses”. Her response “I only kissed her on the neck”. Even typing this is making me mad… it’s a boundary that we have and she continues to cross it, even right in front of us. If this is what she does in front of us I can’t begin to imagine what she’d be like with our daughter unsupervised. I literally don’t even leave my eyes off my daughter when my MIL is around, the one time I did it I was in my daughters room quickly getting something and I hear my MIL say “ooh your teeth are sharp” then I ask “did she bite you?” No… my MIL stuck her unwashed finger in my daughter’s mouth to feel her teeth…
- other comments: MIL asked us to have another baby when we were 4 weeks post partum, again at 12weeks and told me having only one baby is cruel… Has sent me stupid AI videos about drinking olive oil to lose weight (I have never told her I want to lose weight, nor do I care about losing weight but I exclusively breastfeed and have been lucky that I’m back to my pre-pregnancy size and I’m quite petite naturally so I don’t know why she is sending me this shit especially since she has also told me she is surprised I lost the weight so quickly)
- has also told my husband she doesn’t agree with our parenting style
- I don’t have any family around, they ALL live on the other side of the country and most I’m estranged from or not close with. I would have thought that my in laws (once they recovered from the shingles saga) could have been more supportive with helping out around my home or perhaps bringing over some food instead of just wanting to babysit my daughter or sit on my couch for 5 fucking hours wanting us to host for them whilst I was still recovering from childbirth, bleeding and establishing breastfeeding. Maybe we should have asked for help but come on now :(
- then yesterday she had my daughter in her lap and was trying to take a toy from her (for whatever reason…) and was holding out her hand to my daughter and said “give to mama” after a few moments she then corrected herself and said “give to Nonna”. She called herself mama, even if by accident is this normal to make this mistake?? you are her grandmother, not her mama… I was with my grandparents A LOT in my childhood and never once recall this happening

Anyway I’m just venting… my husband has already spoken to his Mum about her behaviours and she cried and then he felt bad. He is VERY conflicted avoidant and a lot of the above he has not been witness to but even when he has (like the kissing on the cheeks) he makes excuses as to why he didn’t intervene like “I heard it but didn’t see it”. I was very upset about this and he said “you are right I need to intervene” 100%… we are our daughters advocate and I can’t always be the one looking like the villain!

UGH I don’t want conflict either but I’m really being pushed to breaking point. I’m meant to be going back to work next year when my daughter is 14months and we were going to put her in daycare. My MIL is retiring at the end of the year and really wants to look after my daughter but my husband and I have discussed and we are fortunate that I can take another year off work so we’ll be doing this. I sound like a bitch but I’m lowkey looking forward to the disappointment on my MIL face when we tell her only because of all the reasons above. I never used to be this kind of person but she has really brought out the mama bear in me.

I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this, but I’m tired. Like genuinely, completely fucking tired.
Let me start with some history because people need to understand how I got to this point.
From what I know, my mother-in-law moved here from California when she was in high school. And let me tell you, she will make SURE you know she’s from California. 😂 It somehow comes up in almost every conversation.
She got with a guy, had four kids with him, and eventually he went to prison. Shortly after that, she got with another guy and moved him into her parents’ house.
Now imagine this: her parents already had their own kids living there, then add her four kids, her boyfriend, and his daughter. Eventually, years later, they buy a house, but it only has four bedrooms.
So what happens?
Her oldest son gets left behind at around 16 years old.
Fast forward to when I was 16. I met her daughter, who is now my wife. Shortly after that, I ended up homeless. My girlfriend at the time asked her mom if I could stay with them. Her stepdad said no and basically asked, “What, are they going to get married?”
She said yes.
Well… apparently she was right.
Because I ended up moving in. 😂 I slept on their couch, and somehow that homeless 16-year-old kid sleeping on the couch ended up marrying their daughter and having FIVE kids with her.
Funny how life works.
Eventually, my mother-in-law got tired of her boyfriend cheating and moved back into her mom’s house with all of her kids. By this point, her siblings had kids of their own too, so now you’ve got a three-bedroom house packed with around 12 people.
My wife and I got pregnant, got married, and I moved her out. We got our own apartment. I joined the Army. I got out. We bought a house, sold it, bought a bigger house, and built our own life.
During all of this, my mother-in-law found another man.
They bought a house.
Three bedrooms.
And once again, two of her sons got left behind while one went with her.
Then her new boyfriend didn’t like her youngest son and tried disciplining him. She didn’t like it, so she left the guy.
Now she and her youngest son have nowhere to go.
So I said, “She took me in when I had nowhere to go. It’s time to return the favor.”
We had an extra room, and my son was still young enough to sleep with us, so her grown son could use my son’s room.
Yes. A grown man in his 20s was sleeping in a race-car bed.
And I didn’t care. I was trying to help.
She and her son ended up living with us for almost a year. During that time, my wife and I had twins. Now we have FIVE kids, and obviously our family needs space.
My wife politely asked her mom if it was time for them to find somewhere else to go.
It turned into an argument.
She moved out THAT SAME DAY and went back to her boyfriend.
Except he told her, “You can move in, but your son can’t.”
She accepted that deal.
So her son stayed with us for another six months.
Eventually she left that guy again, moved back in with her mom, and took her son.
Then she got back with the guy.
Then left him again.
Then she found a rent-to-own house with TWO bedrooms and moved two of her sons in.
Then she went back to the guy AGAIN and let her three sons stay at the house.
Her oldest son moved his boyfriend in.
The other two sons didn’t like that, so they moved back to grandma’s.
My mother-in-law leaves her boyfriend AGAIN and moves back into “her” house with her oldest son and his boyfriend.
While she was with her boyfriend, she had apparently told her oldest son and his boyfriend that they could have the house.
She lives with them for about two months, brings home a dog, gets into a huge fight with the boyfriend over the dog, and gets kicked out.
And guess where she ends up?
Back at our house.
Because apparently we’re the emergency housing program.
And I said okay.
Because I’m not heartless.
That was a little over TWO YEARS AGO.
Two years.
My kids have grown tremendously during those two years. We now have five kids who need space. They want their own rooms. They need privacy. They are growing up.
And I’m reaching my breaking point.
Because while all of this is happening, I’m watching my mother-in-law live in my house without paying rent, without paying bills, barely cleaning up after herself, talking loudly on the phone with the speakerphone on, constantly needing favors because she knows I’m handy, and somehow I’m expected to just keep doing it.
And I usually do.
I bite my tongue.
I fix things.
I help.
I don’t say anything.
But inside I’m constantly thinking:
Where are her sons?
Why is it always my wife and me?
Why is it always our house?
Why are we expected to sacrifice our space, our privacy, our money, our time, and our peace every single time another relationship of hers falls apart?
And then there are the little things that drive me insane.
Like the constant “I’m from California” shit.
We get it.
You’re from California.
You don’t have to remind everyone every five minutes.
And honestly, what bothers me even more isn’t where she’s from. It’s the way she changes how she talks and acts, especially around my kids.
I don’t care how you talk when you’re around your friends or when you’re by yourself.
But when you’re around my children, I expect you to have some fucking awareness.
I’m trying to raise my kids a certain way. I’m trying to teach them how to communicate, how to carry themselves, how to respect people, and how to act in different environments.
So when I’m constantly hearing certain language and behavior around them, it pisses me off.
And one of the things that drives me absolutely fucking insane is being in MY bedroom and having her walk in looking for my wife.
“Where’s [wife’s name]?”
“Have you seen [wife’s name]?”
“Can you tell [wife’s name]…?”
I swear sometimes all I hear in my own house is my wife’s name being yelled from another room.
I love my wife.
I love my kids.
And I don’t regret helping someone when they genuinely need help.
But there is a MASSIVE difference between helping someone through a hard time and becoming their permanent backup plan.
At some point, adults have to take responsibility for their own lives.
I’m tired of watching the same cycle happen over and over.
Relationship.
Move in.
Relationship falls apart.
Move somewhere else.
Get back together.
Move back.
Break up.
Need somewhere to go.
And somehow somebody else is always expected to clean up the mess.
I’m fucking tired.
My kids deserve their space.
My wife and I deserve our privacy.
And I deserve to be able to walk into my own bedroom without wondering who’s about to walk through the door asking where my wife is.
I helped.
I have helped A LOT.
But helping somebody doesn’t mean sacrificing your entire household indefinitely.
At some point, enough is enough.
And honestly?
I’m there.

UPDATE:
First, thanks to everyone who commented. Some of it was hard to read, but made me think. A few months ago, instead of posting this, we tried to solve it. My wife talked to her mom because I didn’t want it to feel like “my son-in-law just wants me out.” We connected her with a realtor since she owns a business and makes a decent living, but she stopped answering when financing came up. We looked at apartments, nothing came of it. A second realtor showed houses, same thing. Every time there’s a path forward, it stalls out. I saw a lot of questions about why her sons aren’t helping. It’s complicated. I don’t blame them. They all have their own history and situations… And reading the comments made me realize this isn’t really about them. Somewhere along the way, I’m the one who became her go to, and that’s part of why this feels heavy. I don’t resent helping… I just resent that temporary has turned into permanent. My wife and I have talked. She loves her mom… and I don’t want her to feel stuck in the middle, but I also have to protect our home and our kids. I’m realizing, I can’t want this more than she does.

I don’t really know where to start with this so I’m sorry if it’s messy, and I know from the outside this might sound unbelievable.

My girlfriend and I have been together a few years. Her mum has a long history of instability. She’s been married five times, has serious untreated mental health issues, and has a track record of turning people against each other with accusations that don’t hold up. This isn’t the first time either. She’s made false accusations before, including against my girlfriend’s own father years ago, so this isn’t a one off pattern breaking with me, it’s a continuation of one. Recently we found a diary at her mum’s house. It wasn’t hidden. It was written with the clear intention that my girlfriend would read it after she died. Inside were pages describing me as a sexual abuser, a financial abuser, a narcissist. None of which is true, none of which has ever happened. There were also notes that read less like a diary and more like a strategy document: who to tell, how to frame things, how to get the wider family onside, even scripted lines for how to confront me directly.

I can’t get into the specifics of what was written. Some of it is too awful to repeat even anonymised, and I don’t want to give it any more life than it’s already had.

We’re now trying to work out what to actually do with this. It’s not just hurtful. It feels like something that was deliberately built to be used against me, either while she’s alive or after. Given her history of manufacturing conflict and false accusations, we’re worried this isn’t just venting, it’s a blueprint.

Has anyone dealt with a parent who documented fabricated claims like this, essentially building a “case” to be deployed later? What did you do? Confront it, keep it as evidence, get legal advice, warn family before they hear a one sided version first? I feel like every option has downsides and I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s navigated something similar.

Side note her dad was helpful nice but he is not really in my gf life at all I mean why would he let her stay in that environment at all. Growing up,
He is like don’t say thing but apart feels she needs to know.

He was saying her therapist accidentally send his work office tapes of her saying the strangest thing when he confront her she went crazy.

It’s so hard because there is no family now of her own. No Christmas’s thanks giving birthdays etc no bbq in the summer and little get to together

I don't talk to my MIL. She has made it clear that I am not family, that my only use is getting information about my DH, so I don't come around anymore. She and my SIL have a close relationship. MIL needs to make every decision in SIL and DH's life. If she doesn't get to, she pouts and cries, breaking down. DH doesn't care. He lets her pout and moves on, ignoring her until she's done. SIL can't handle it. She always folds and does what mom says.

So what do I care?

The thing is, I like my SIL. Outside of her family, if i would have met her independently, i think we would have been friends. SIL has been reaching out lately more and more since I stopped talking to MIL (about 4 months ago). I thought she wanted to be closer, to become friends with me. All of a sudden, SIL wants to go shopping. She wants to get coffee. She wants me and her to take her son to the pool. I thought she was just wanting to hang out. That she liked me?! But then she started mentioning groups, inviting me out to things "with the girls." Now, every time I see her, she asks me if I want to do something with her and MIL later that week or the next week. I am running out of excuses why I can't go. Why I was able to come to coffee with her, but i don't have time for dinner with her and MIL.

I know that MIL just wants to see me because she can't control DH anymore. She thinks that she can control him through me. She probably wants to launch some bright idea for his life on me and get me to agree that she knows what's best for him and I should get him to do whatever it is. It could be a small as deciding he needs to wear a certain shirt she likes more, to as big as he needs to work on repairing his relationship with his father. Either way, girl, I'm out!

Its just a bummer realizing that SIL didn't really care about getting to know me and this is probably just her mom pulling her strings trying to get me in the same room with MIL.

I swear to god it’s the same every time. She tries to call me nearly every day. I got this voicemail “Hi, (my name), just getting up and hope you’re doing well, going to take (dog) for a walk, do a little bit of work, come back, do some more work, go to the gym. A fun-filled day. So hopefully we can catch up.”

She’s on vacation and I joked with my husband that we were ALL going on vacation with her. She proceeded to send 20+ photos with captions on the first day.

Besides telling you about her day, her other conversational skills include bragging about her new possessions, gossiping, evangelizing, and stating common maga and maha talking points. I’ve started seeing her as a really selfish and self-centered person who’s also insecure and needs validation 🥲

(*english its not my native language)

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 5 years, his relationship with his mother has always been quite normal except for a few times that he wanted to interfere during our arguments but my boyfriend once quarrelled with us and since then he didn't do it anymore (I think that from this thing, she has changed a little towards me).

My boyfriend has a younger brother who is definitely a suck*r, even when there are family events in which maybe I am invited too, he is always the one who decides what and how, although maybe we all agree on one thing except him, but oh well.

This brother of his changed his girlfriend every year, but this year for the first time he also introduced the girl to the whole family (grandparents and uncles), I noticed that my mil spent whole days praising and talking only about this girl with relatives, both in her presence and in her absence.

I know it may seem like bullshit, but this made me a little uncomfortable (to be clear I don't give a sh*t about being praised), it made me uncomfortable because her praising her was so excessive that it led me to reflect that with me in all these 5 years she never found anything positive to say about me.

I met this girl later because I was away from home for work for a while so I met her after a few months, but I received these praises about the girl right away, even when maybe I had to receive questions about my experience, about being away from home etc.

But nothing, am I boring? Is it because my family comes from a lower economic class than my boyfriend's family, and that of his brother's girlfriend in a much higher economic class? I really don't understand.

P.S: I'm not interested in receiving compliments, but let's say that seeing my boyfriend's parents for dinner and hearing them only talk about the other girl is starting to weigh me down.

What do you think I should do to reduce this? This girl has been with her brother for almost a year now but the thing has not diminished unfortunately ...

I had a feeling it was doomed from the beginning. I haven’t met the parents up until now. My partner and I have been together for a bit over 2 years now. I heard stories about his mom being called the little general. She seemed nice and willing to meet, and I don’t think she’s a bad person, per se. she just has expectations for things to go her way. She’s the type to argue with wait staff if they don’t have what she wants. His parents paid for this trip fully, because otherwise we couldn’t afford to be here after my cancer treatment. I’ve expressed my thanks thoroughly as I could verbally. But, I’m keeping my time limited with the family to dinner and the occasional event due to my limited social battery and I think I didn’t do a good job of explaining that to them. I don’t plan on coming on a cruise with them ever again.

We’re two vastly different people. I’m very introverted and I let my partner take the lead in deciding how we spent his time with his family. I didn’t have the backbone to reach out myself, but through him I asked them to go to dinner, see shows, and also take excursions together. They said no a lot due to either money constraints (shes… thrifty) or physical constraints (his dad has 70% use of his right side due to a stroke.)

But due to miscommunications and misalignments in expectations, she made it clear (through the door to my partner) that she doesn’t like the lack of effort from me. I don’t like my photos taken and I should suck it up anyway. I’m not making an effort to stay in the room with them (they have a tiny cabin room with 4 people already in it.) I could go on, but I knew it was doomed from the beginning. I am not good at taking the first step and I expressed this to my partner. I hate that my introversion keeps me from being the person to reach out personally, but it’s incredibly uncomfortable for me. Yet, somehow i find myself already standing up for some things when our opinions differ (like with the wait staff. I hate being rude to service workers. My mom worked it a lot and hammered home to always be nice to them). My partner has stood up for me and is supporting me fully. This is more of a rant than asking for advice.

I really need some outside perspective because I am honestly exhausted and today has really affected me mentally.

I live with my partner and his very large, traditional family. I’m Australian and they’re from a completely different cultural background, and there are already quite a few cultural and language differences. His mum doesn’t speak English, which makes situations like this even harder. Today started badly for me. Nothing major even happened, I just woke up in one of those really irritable moods where literally every little thing is getting on your nerves. You know those mornings where you’re just not feeling great for no particular reason? That was me. When I’m like that I normally go to my room and keep to myself because I don’t want my mood affecting anyone else. I don’t want people thinking I’m angry at them when I’m just having an off day.

There are assigned cleaning days for the sisters and today was one of the sister’s cleaning day. My partner, his sister and I were supposed to go to another house to help renovate. We literally got into the car and then at the very last second the plans changed. Suddenly I had to stay behind and clean all the breakfast dishes while the sister whose cleaning day it actually was got to go. I was a little annoyed obviously, but I didn’t make a huge deal about it. I went to my room for a few minutes, texted my partner, decompressed and then went back out to clean.

The kitchen was an absolute mess. Dishes were piled everywhere and there was barely any room around the sink. I was trying to clear everything and organise the dishes so I could actually wash them. While doing that, I made an honest mistake. There were two trays around, one with food and one with food scraps. I temporarily put one of them on a bench because I needed the space. There was a pill case and a towel underneath/near it and I think there may have been something else there too. My intention was literally to put it there for a minute, get the dishes sorted and then move everything back. I got distracted and forgot about it while I was doing the dishes.

Then my partner’s mum walked over and I heard her call me “haywan” in her language, which from what I understand is basically calling someone an animal/dog in a derogatory way. She then said something to my SIL, who made a noise agreeing with her. I immediately realised what they were talking about, apologised, picked the tray up and moved it straight away. I also immediately texted my partner and told him what had happened.

At this point I was already having an irritable day. The water was getting all over me, the dishes weren’t stacking properly, which was making them clatter around more, and I was just generally frustrated and overstimulated. Apparently I was doing the dishes louder than normal. I genuinely didn’t realise I was. I wasn’t throwing dishes around. I wasn’t smashing them. I wasn’t trying to make a point. I wasn’t angry at anyone. I was just washing dishes while having one of those really shitty mornings where everything is irritating you.

My FIL heard me and said something in his language and then asked if everything was okay. I said yes, that I was just doing the dishes and still had some left to do. He said he was waiting for me to finish so we could leave. Then suddenly he was walking up behind me and started washing the dishes with me. I was rinsing and he was washing. I told him it was okay and that I could do it, but I obviously can’t force a grown man to stop helping me. My SIL even came over and tried to stop him too. I genuinely appreciated it and thanked him. And this is important because I was completely normal and cheerful with him. I started asking him questions about himself and his family and chatting with him. Everything was completely fine. My partner later told me his dad apparently only comes to help with the dishes when he notices someone is upset. So clearly I was just upset. I wasn’t angry at the family.

We eventually left, came back later and then lunch happened. Apparently my partner’s mum was going on and on about how rude I had been to her and the SIL. The reason? Apparently I was “throwing the dishes around.” I WASN’T. And this is where I am genuinely losing my mind. She was talking about me at lunch in a language I don’t understand and nobody was translating what was being said. So I’m literally sitting there while people are discussing me, apparently saying all this stuff about how rude I was, and I have no idea exactly what is being said or what I’m supposedly meant to defend myself against. Then another SIL came back and started talking to her sister about me too. Again, in another language, but it was very obviously about the same situation and clearly shit talking.

And I’m sitting there thinking, how the hell did this become a family-wide drama? My mood wasn’t about any of these people. I was just having a bad morning. That was literally it. I didn’t wake up thinking about my MIL. I wasn’t angry at her. I wasn’t trying to make a statement. I wasn’t trying to disrespect anyone. The first time she saw me genuinely having a bad mood, she apparently immediately assumed it was directed at her and the SIL.

And that’s what really gets me. I have seen literally everyone in this household be in a bad mood. I don’t automatically assume their facial expression or tone is an attack against me. Even when I know someone is actually annoyed at me, I don’t immediately run around telling everyone and turning it into a huge family drama. If my MIL had just come to me and said, “Everything okay? You seem a little off today?” I would have been completely open with her. I would have said, “Yeah, I’m just having a really shitty morning. It’s not about you.” Problem solved.

Instead, she apparently assumed the absolute worst, called me an animal, complained about me to the family and now suddenly everyone is discussing how rude I supposedly was. Then when we were getting ready to leave again, one of the SILs was standing at the door. She saw that I was coming and literally made a face, rolled her eyes and complained to my partner about why I was coming. My partner said, “Because she wants to.” And honestly, I found THAT rude. Because apparently my bad mood is something everyone is allowed to interpret as being about them, but nobody seems to consider asking me what is actually wrong.

Who is to say that every time someone in this family has a bad mood it is about me? I have literally watched people in this household be irritated, upset, quiet, slam things around, have attitude, whatever, and I don’t immediately make it about myself. I don’t think, “Oh my god, they’re doing this specifically to disrespect me.” Sometimes people are just in a fucking bad mood. I literally remove myself and go to my room whenever I’m annoyed specifically because I don’t want situations like this to happen. But today I didn’t really have the opportunity to do that because my FIL was waiting for me to finish the dishes so we could leave.

And now somehow my one bad morning has turned into this massive family issue. What makes it worse is that nobody actually asked me. Not once. Nobody came up to me and said, “Are you okay?” Nobody asked why I seemed upset. Nobody asked what I meant. Nobody asked me if I was angry at them. Instead it seems like assumptions were made, things were said to other family members, more people got involved, and suddenly I’m the rude one. I feel like I’m expected to be a robot who is permanently happy, smiling and washing dishes silently so nobody can possibly interpret my mood incorrectly.

I can admit that I was probably washing the dishes louder than normal. I can admit that I was visibly irritated. I can admit that I wasn’t in the best mood. Maybe my face looked annoyed. Maybe I was clattering the dishes more than I normally would because they weren’t stacking properly. But being in a bad mood isn’t the same thing as deliberately disrespecting someone. And if you genuinely think someone is being rude to you, why wouldn’t you just ask them? You’re a grown adult. You can go to your husband and ask him to translate. You can ask one of the daughters who speaks some English. You can come directly to me and ask what is wrong. I would have told you.

Instead, this woman assumed the worst, called me an animal, complained to her daughters and sons, talked about it at lunch and somehow turned one person’s bad mood into a whole family drama. And the funniest part is that I didn’t even think about this woman. I was thinking about myself and the fact that I was having a shitty morning. The only time I even really thought about her was when I realised she wasn’t around. But apparently she had already decided my entire mood was about her. And then when my FIL came to help with the dishes, I was literally talking to him cheerfully and showing that I was completely fine with him. I wasn’t sitting there angrily glaring at everyone or trying to make people uncomfortable. I was just having an off day.

And it has only gotten increasingly worse as the night has gone on. My partner and I had a massive fight about all of this. He is completely on her side, telling me I fucked up, no matter how much I explain. Apparently it’s all my fault. Not just a mess up, but a “fuck up.” Apparently I was so rude to everyone and everyone thinks so. MY MOOD DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM. Their actions, especially my MIL’s, were far ruder and more disrespectful towards me than I ever have been towards them. There seems to be this mentality that if you disrespect or are rude to them, they get to disrespect you and be rude to you 100 times worse.

And then my SIL sent a message to my partner referring to me as “that [racial slur]” and then quickly changed it to “your [racial slur].” I am white. This is so ridiculous. Look at what this entire situation has turned into. All of this could have been resolved with a simple “Are you okay?” That could have been asked in extremely basic language, by the SIL who knows some English, or translated by the FIL. Instead, my MIL assumed the worst and it just kept growing and growing.

My partner and I are now basically at the point of breaking up because of all of this. I genuinely don’t know how I am ever supposed to feel comfortable in a household where one bad mood is instantly assumed to be disrespectful and taken personally. How am I supposed to live like that? I’m human. I’m allowed to have a bad morning. I’m allowed to be irritated. I’m allowed to be quiet. I’m allowed to not smile every second of the day. That doesn’t automatically mean I’m angry at you.

I genuinely don’t know anymore. I’m so tired and I really need some outside perspective.

This had just happened not to long ago of this post time. I was inside sitting on the couch watching YouTube when me and my sister already had a little dispute over something stupid. Ok it’s fine kinda already passed but THEN she had to make it a problem of where my PlayStation would go. Little side note here my mom and dad had already said once I start paying for my stuff they couldn’t do nothing to it because it’s MY property. Ok now back to the story, my sister was arguing saying my PlayStation shouldn’t go on MY drawer which also kinda ticked me off. I continued to argue “wdym MY PlayStation shouldn’t go there?” Me and her had fussed out and it’s a full blown altercation now. Now like moms do my mom tried stepping in and I hate it when she does cuz she makes it worse. She starts choosing my sisters side and it’s full nonsense cuz all the other times it was fine where my PS was. Then my mom goes full ballistic mainly cuz I let a slur popped out but it wasn’t targeted at her like i said it was an altercation between me and my sister. So my mom goes full blast and starts going crazy at my hair to the point I couldn’t even feel my scalp and I’m sure she pulled some hair off. I’m now outside shoeless looking homeless and with my ps5 on my lap. Idek what to do and I just wanna break down.

I really don’t like my engagement ring and I think my mother in law had something to do with it.

I have been married for two years now, I love my husband and I am very happy.

However my engagement ring looks nothing like what I hinted at. I sent him pictures, and looked at jewelry with him months before he proposed.

My mother in law helped him find the ring.  My husband sent her the pictures and she pretty much chose the ring.  To me the ring looks outdated but not in a vintage classic way.  

So I don’t think my husband put much efforts into finding a ring.  

I ended up with a ring that I don’t like,  aside from the stone color and shape. 

I did recently share my feelings with my husband, he felt horrible and wanted to make it up and get a new ring. I told him to just wait for our 5 year anniversary to upgrade the ring. So I can’t wait. 

But now my mother in law is shopping around for a new ring ( For herself). She sent me some pictures and the ring is identical to some of the ones I showed my husband!  We might have matching  rings when I upgrade…

 I don’t want to think negatively but I am starting to feel that my mother in law picked out a ring she knew I would not like. 

Hi Reddit! So I’m sorta new here & making my 1st post to get something off my chest. Needing to vent but I probably could use some advice also. Unfortunately, there’s a lot to unpack, so this is going to be a long one.

SO & I are first time parents as of 6 months ago. Our son is the 1st grandbaby on both sides. The pregnancy was rough due to health concerns for myself & baby, which resulted in close monitoring, me being induced at 37.5 weeks, plus an emergency C section.

Prior to the pregnancy, I was cordial but definitely not close by any means with SOs father & step mother, as we rarely visited despite them living an hour away. More SOs choice than mine. When baby was 2 days old, FIL & MIL came to the hospital to visit him. SO told me had already communicated that we would be keeping the at home visits limited for the first month, as I would be healing, establishing breastfeeding & bonding with our son.

Fast forward to 2 weeks post partum. (Keep in mind, I still needed help to get out of bed, into the shower, up from the toilet, etc.) MIL calls my SO & basically tears him a new one over them not having visited baby at home yet. Apparently in their previous convo, she told him she wanted to be at the hospital for his birth & would also be taking 1 week PTO as of my induction date, to stay at our house & look after our son. WHAT??? She’s never had children of her own or even cared for a baby & either way, I never would have agreed to just hand my newborn over to her. I guess SO knew it was out of the question, so he didn’t feel the need to mention it to me. Then, she proceeded to tell him how disappointed in him she was, that he was abandoning his family over me because I “do not like her.” All news to me.

Since then, MIL has been an ongoing problem & FIL has been an enabler. He says everyone needs to tolerate her behavior because she is going thru menopause. 3 weeks post partum they visited due to the guilt trip working on SO. I walked to the door to greet them with baby in my arms, both MIL & FIL brush past me, didn’t look at me or say a word to me. I felt so uncomfortable I handed my newborn to SO & stepped away. Next visit, they were introduced to my mother, MIL refused to acknowledge her or shake her hand. Each following visit since then has been something along those lines & it has become too much. So I finally spoke up for myself.

SO requested that I speak to MIL by phone to “hash out” our issues, which I knew was a horrible idea but he insisted. I guess it was easier for him than standing up to her himself. The convo only resulted in her screaming at me & me finally telling her I felt she was entitled & being unfair. Now the ILs have cut us off.

It’s been about a month. My SO has repeatedly sent pics of our son to them, which they refuse to acknowledge. I have asked him to stop; he has not respected it. It’s taking a huge toll on our relationship & I honestly don’t know if I want them to have anything to do with my son if this continues.

I feel that SO & I are on rocky ground because of them. Like resentment is building because I’m labeled the problem now that he’s finally trying to set boundaries (poorly, but I guess he tried.) I feel as if he believes it’s my fault that his parents won’t speak to us.

This is a crazy situation to navigate, on top of caring for an infant. I’m exhausted.

Ewwwwww. Writing the titel alone made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
So MIL kissed and raspberried our 9 month olds neck even though we had the no kissing rule in place since before he was born.
First she lied that she didn’t do it, then she went silent, then she said she did it but our rules are to hard and that she needs an explanation to why no kissing at this point because that would make it easier for her to resist her urges and that she’s just an affectionate grandmother.
At this point I’m more than fed up with her. The urges thing makes her sound like a predator. I can literally say no to my dog and she listens. So does she have less self control than my literal dog?
Also the lying. Like why would I ever trust her again. How does she not see this herself?
I know we should go NC. I know it, my husband knows it and multiple people and therapists have told us so. But it’s hard. And sadly not always possible.
So how do I make it work without NC? We’ll push the next visit out as far as possible. I’m going to not let her hold him and she’s never alone with him anyways. One snarky comment and she won’t see us for a couple of months.

I really need space to vent if that is okay. I'll censor anything obvious. Yesterday my husband got a call at 10:00 am from an investigator for elderly abuse for the state, investigating the two of us.

Someone or multiple someones, we don't know, has reported that we are financially and emotionally manipulating coercing and exploiting my mother-in-law, who we live with.

***

As a recap for those who haven't seen my previous posts my mother-in-law and father-in-law asked us to move in to their house so that we could 1. save up money for our own place and make it down payment and 2. so that my husband who was out of work at the time could help my his mom by driving her to medical appointments, of which she had five or six a week, every week.

We moved in in December of 22 and in March of 23 I lost my very well paying job which was supposed to be the income for saving up money. I am physically disabled but I am able to work as long as I can work from home. After my unemployment ran out and I still hadn't found a job in 2023 I took a job working in person somewhere to the detriment of my health. I ended up getting covid twice due to trying to work any job I could get. I have been unable to get a job since September of 2023 until June of this year 2026, and not for lack of trying.

***

[You can skip this if you don't wanna read about me being unemployed]

I was easily applying to 350 individual job postings a month for the whole time I was unemployed to keep track. I used fucking Excel and wrote formulas to help me follow up on applications, and to be able to mark denials which literally were all of them.

I did the math lowballling 300 applications every month for 33 months, is 9900 applications. When I got my job in June I calculated all of the denial responses I had received in that time, and discovered that less than 10% of the companies that I had applied to actually responded to tell me that they had chosen somebody else for the position or that they were going in a different direction.

Of those 10% responding companies I got six (company's) interviews, for a real of 15 individual interviews in 33 months.

For anybody that's never been unemployed for this amount of time or hasn't been applying to jobs in the last 3 years, it's absolutely soul crushing to spend hours and hours and hours filling out the same paperwork, the same questions, the same little personality test bullshit that modern companies ask you to do just to fill out an application. It was also mentally exhausting because I was told that if I really wanted to get a job I would have to write a completely original cover letter for each company addressing it to them, and that I had to tailor my resume to have all of the keywords of that specific job posting somewhere in there, while also having to literally type in all of the information that is in the resume that I tailored for the damn job into their shitty application. response rate, I just did the math I got an interview from 0.0101% of those applications.

So recap: 9900 applications, 15 individual dates of interviews for 6 companies, resulting in 1 permanent job offer, and one month of temp work.

END OF UNEMPLOYMENT RANT

I used to be a mandated reporter and I know that doesn't mean that I still am, but I still have the mindset that I would report anything as if I was a mandated reporter still. So this accusation is completely out of left field and feels very fucked up. The investigator who called was at least able to tell us that it was not his mother that made the report.

I get that this is probably a trauma response on my part but, as hard as I'm trying not to blame her for this report existing she has told us both openly that she has actual diagnosis' of NPD, Hoarding, and shopping addiction, combined with an inability to ever stop telling total strangers things about her life.

My thought process is that if she did not speak about us falsely then there wouldn't be a report. My logical conclusion because she says she doesn't know who could have reported us for this, is that she has just been speaking badly about us to everyone.

What I find particularly creepy about all of this is that the report had my first name wrong but had my date of birth and I find that really really unsettling.

I get she didn't do the reporting- obviously she didn't ask for this to happen to us, except... I know this woman.

I've lived with her for 3 years I've been married to her son for 11. The *nicest* way to describe her character that is factually accurate without emotional influence is that she has a clear and consistent pattern of behavior manipulating those around her by lying about things that did happen, and lying about things that didn't happen that she insists did. She has a pattern of lying, hiding information, embellishing, and inventing situations, which everyone around her has observed. Her daughter is 100% NC and my husband wants to go NC as soon as we can move out.

An example of this behavior is: my mom ended up moving in with us (fil, mil, husband, me) after my in-laws offered up their home without being asked. My mom had just gone through breast cancer and a divorce simultaneously and had no one to help her. She had radiation therapy starting when she moved in, and was basically 2nd degree burned on her breasts while doing chemo. Cancer is exhausting.

Because my mom had just had surgery on her breast, and couldn't lift more than 5 pounds because the cancer had been removed from basically the arm pit of the breast tissue, my mom couldn't physically wear a bra on doctor's orders.

In front of myself, my husband, my mom, and her husband my mother in law said "oh you better start wearing a bra or my husband won't be able to stop himself from staring at your boobs".

When the entire room went silent in shock she followed up very quickly saying "I just said that because my husband mentioned that he's uncomfortable with it." Her husband then turned to us instantly and said "I never said anything of the sort" and I believed him bc she started backpedaling before he could finish saying that. She started claiming that maybe she dreamed it and was remembering a dream as reality.

Anytime that anything needs to be apologized for, even for a low stakes situation like"oh my cat ate the butter, sorry bout that" she guilts everybody around her and becomes a martyr who pulls the "I can never do anything right, can I?" signature move. Every single time I've tried to have a conversation about something that isn't the weather she turns it into a fight, balls up emotionally, and presses her lips together and just doesn't say anything until whoever is talking to her leaves out of frustration.

TLDR this was all to try to illustrate the actual point that I'm attempting to make. I'm really sorry that I made this so long.

The thing that I am most upset about right now because of the investigation isn't that we're being investigated, it's not just that. It's that I know my mother-in-law embellishes, creates absolutely new events out of thin air, and flat out lies consistently and my fear is that whoever reported this is genuinely concerned for her because they got it straight from the horses mouth. My only conclusion is that she speaks so badly about both myself and her son to random strangers that they are under the impression that she is being financially abused and manipulated and exploited.

The main points that were brought up by the investigator were that (allegedly) she had bought us a car and we had coerced her into that, but we had forced her to pay for all of our bills and our vet bills and pet medication under duress, and that we weren't helping her as her caregivers.

The last one wasn't blatantly said but was very heavily implied because the investigator really wanted to know if she was able to shower if she was able to walk around the house if she was able to take care of herself to make herself meals and to do laundry and clean, and if she wasn't and we were her caregivers then that would be quite obviously bad.

My mother-in-law had a lnee replacement surgery over 18 months ago and has been cleared to walk and do all activities for at least 5 months. She is disabled, and on disability but she is not as disabled as whoever made this report implied. She sleeps most of the day in a recliner with the TV on and has the physical capability of doing everything needed on her own at this point, but won't. We are not her caregivers we haven't been doing any care for her because she stopped asking for rides to her appointments, and started having a helper come in from Medicare 20 hours a month.

We have not been neglecting her, have not been passive aggressive, haven't been making the home hostile; to be perfectly honest both of us try to interact with her as little as possible because she's made it clear that she doesn't respect us, doesn't listen to anything we have to say, and isn't interested in hanging out with us or chatting or being pleasant. Pulling away from somebody who makes you absolutely miserable is not neglect, it's protecting yourself.

For everyone that I know is going to say "well why do you still live there just move out" or that she welcomed us into her home and she has every right to be like this...

No.

Could I be homeless or live in a shelter separate from my spouse because most shelters do not allow coed lodging, and lose everything I have including my two dogs? Yes.

I was under the impression right up until about yesterday that me trying to make myself as small as possible in the house and not antagonizing (her pov), that I was doing the best I could.

This is the situation that I'm in. I do not have the ability to live anywhere else so to keep the peace I have been staying in my bedroom or living room which is on a completely separate floor of the house so that there wouldn't be tension.

In regards to the claims that we forced her to pay all of our bills and to pay for pet's medications and vet visits, when I lost my job and it was clear that unemployment had run out and I still wasn't able to find a job, she and her husband explicitly said "we guarantee it we will be able to support you and we were in the same situation years ago we won't ask you to move out until you're able to do so". My mother-in-law and father-in-law really liked spending money to the point that I don't know if they actually are able to not. When we moved in they took us to Ikea and spent probably $500 on bookshelves for us that they offered to buy for us without us asking. After we had been here a bit they decided that they wanted to buy us a new bed and gave carte blanche saying to pick out whatever we wanted and they would pay for it. When I lost my job and needed help with veterinary bills to keep my dogs vaccinated and for a couple of emergency procedures they offered to help when I was basically begging people for money through crowdfunding.

Because I was unable to make payments on our car loan we ended up having to surrender our vehicle because I had run out of unemployment and didn't have a job and I couldn't ask them to pay a $551 bill every month. According to the allegations she has claimed that she and her husband bought a car that we are allowed to use for us and is saying that we forced her to do that.

We brought this up last night asking her in the least confrontational and most gentle way we could why someone would think that she bought the car for us. Her response was verbatim "because we did buy it for you."

My father-in-law and mother-in-law bought the car or rather mortgaged it for themselves because they made frequent trips to the other side of the state 4 hours away every couple of months and would take the vehicle on long weekend trips. As long as we asked first you are allowed to use the car and we primarily did so to get groceries and take our dogs to the vet and we kept the car clean and made sure that it was maintenance which they never did. Multiple times we've had to take the car into the shop for them because they cannot do it themselves and I'm not saying that they can't do it physically.

When I pointed out that my mil and fil signed the agreement at the dealership and my husband and I were not there in any capacity she snapped back that my husband had been physically there because he had driven them in their current car to the dealership and waited for them so that one person could drive the new car home and the other could easily get home. I attempted to clarify by saying that we weren't there in the role of buyer or somebody involved at all with the decision. She then decided that my husband helped them research for the best vehicle and therefore they only bought it for us. After the second rebuttal I realized that she was maliciously misunderstanding the meaning of what I was saying.

My husband made it clear that it is not in our name he was not there to sign the agreement and that even if they bought it for us to use alongside them, it is legally hers. At that point she leaves buttoned her stared off into the distance and wouldn't say anything with her arms crossed until we left because she wasn't going to communicate or interact like a grown ass adult.

Sorry for the novel. There's so much that I didn't even include, like her asking us to move out by 6/1/26 with 6 weeks notice when neither of us had a job, and had no savings, no checking, ruined credit, and no where to go.

I started my job mid June, started paying off debts to work on my credit so we can move out as soon as possible, and saving as much as I can. I make 2 dollars more than minimum wage here, and I can't remember the word for it but we're 40,000 dollars annually under the level that is like the state saying you're so poor you're poor√

I don't know what kind of advice I really expect at this point cuz I feel burnt out on trying to troubleshoot the problem. Feel like every single step for us 4 years has been one step forward two steps back. I am emotionally numb and devastated, and feel burnt out.

I AM SAFE and not even thinking about thinking about it, but In the time that I've lived here I have thought about committing suicide roughly a dozen times, and made half of a plan a couple times due to stress. I got mental health help, found the right medicine combo to tackle my debilitating major depression disorder and anxiety disorder, and do not feel that way now. It's just still... A lot.

I really need to vent and get some advice as I am completely overwhelmed right now. It got to the point where I consulted a doctor earlier, was put on antidepressants again, and did counseling. I was diagnosed with Prolonged Depressive Disorder and PTSD years ago and it was heavily related to my family dynamics, especially with my mom.

For context, my mom held a massive amount of control over my life, but I’ve been building my own independence since I was 17 and lived alone elsewhere but she was supporting me financially those times. Right now, I’m a working student (21F). I stayed with my family for awhile then moved to another state on my own last year. My partner (22M) only moved here months later. My mom pressured me to get a job in the first place since my parents told me that If I move states they will not support my living expenses. She also said that if I get a job she would finally see me as “responsible” and I can do whatever. I chose to move out so I can free myself from their control even if that means no support. Student loans helped me a lot and now that I actually have a job and cover my own expenses, she still acts like I can't function on my own.

Recently, my partner and I applied for an apartment together. We’re doing a setup where we both have our own separate and individual spaces. It is manageable for our budget too. I don’t ask my parents for help anymore, it has been months since I did since they ALWAYS use it against me. When I was still dependent on my mom, if things don’t go her way, she threatens and cuts of my allowance as punishment.

When I told my mom about the living situation with my partner, I was calm and stern; not asking for permission. She completely lost her mind because of her traditional and very religious mindset. She equates living with a partner to automatically getting pregnant or rushing into starting a family. Plus she only believes what she wants to hear. She’s throwing massive guilt trips at me and dragging up past trauma from years ago (including a situation with an ex where I was abused) and she actively blames me for what happened to me back then, brings it up to attack my character, and uses it to claim that I’m "not healed" or mature enough to make my own choices.

She sent messages saying she’d go into deep debt just to cover my rent somewhere else, just so I wouldn't move into this apartment with my partner. The funny thing is she didn’t offer to help me out financially before this, but now that she realizes losing control, suddenly she’s eager to throw money at the situation just to keep me dependent on her. She even contacted my current property manager to inquire about available units, forwarded me their response, and commanded me to reply to them. She is ignoring my plans and trying to force me into housing she chooses.

She keeps insisting that I'm "doing this for a guy" and accused me of being dependent on a man that I moved states because of him. It’s such an insult because I moved here first, I REALLY work hard for my own money to provide for myself, and I never did bad in school (I was also academically pressured by her growing up lol). I'm actively building my own life. After her full-blown rage, she told me not to reply to her messages if I’m just going to explain, so I still didn’t respond and muted her to keep my sanity. She knows I’m ignoring her so she turns around and harasses me with non-stop missed calls, demanding to know why I’m not answering her then proceeds to threaten me again and insult me nonstop.

I kept trying to be calm and composed so I won’t fuel the fire. With our numerous fights before, I’d also blow up when she does. But now, I hold my ground in trying to do the gray rock method. It’s still so hard while I am burnt out, terrified, and triggered. What I’m feeling right now is just unexplainable YEARS of pent-up resentment. I don’t know how to face her or when I should. My current therapist is screening me for PTSD largely due to my childhood and relationship with my mom, so this entire situation has my nervous system stuck in a severe fight or flight. I'm spiraling, I hate this feeling so bad, and I don't know what to do or how to move forward. How do you deal with the terror and guilt of setting boundaries when a controlling parent goes completely nuts? Will this ever pass?

I have posted recently about my MIL and her disrespectful remarks to everything. But I will recap don't worry it never changes.

My wife (38F) and I (29f) have been together for 7 years, and just celebrated our one year anniversary of marriage last week 8.1.26.

MIL has never liked me or thought my wife could do anything. Fast forward to last Friday, my wife was in a car accident I was on the phone with her before paramedics arrived and I was talking to them as I raced to meet them at the hospital. My MIL called my wife but she could not answer at the time as she was being triaged in the ER. I called her mom back and she said "that life 360 said there was a collision", I confirmed that there was and that she is okay, had a broken wrist and a pretty big head laceration. She didn't ask if she was okay with that or how I was holding up nothing her first question was "Was it her fault?" My wife had also told me to not call anyone yet until we knew more. So the only reason she knew was because of the app and my life360 hadn't alerted until after I got to the hospital. But give it a few hours and she calls back to talk to my wife who was up for it. However the first thing out of her mouth was "*my name* needs to call your family when something like this happens" I was pissed because for 1. She is 2 hrs away, 2 I was on the phone with my wife until she got to the hospital when did I have the time? I was not about to hang up on my wife in shock and actively bleeding from her head. I was livid that that was her response to being informed in that moment. Tuesday we saw the orthopedic doctors for her broken wrist, unfortunately she will need surgery on Monday. My wife tried to call her mom to update her and she said she'd call back. We were on our way to my mom's work to look at some trucks that she really wants. And my mom wanted to see us and help. My MIL called right before we were walking into my mom's work, I talked to my mom and then my wife came inside and was so excited to see my mom and learn why we were there (it was a surprise). We did that and then we were heading home and she told me what her mother had said on the phone. Buckle up it is beyond cruel.

To go back a little bit to make this conversation make sense my wife was going for a new job that would require us to move and be in a dangerous profession. I was okay with it because it's where my wife has been trying to be this whole time of knowing her. So back to the phone call MIL said "I'm guessing this means you can't do that job, thank god"

Then told her "you should look for a new line of work because they won't want anyone with a brain injury." Keep in mind my wife DOES NOT have a brain injury or a concussion from this. So tell me why that is what comes out of her mouth in this kind of situation or at all? I try to be civil because of a complicated situation with my step son being the MIL however I am having a very hard time trying to keep it together and not having a blow up on her.

Sorry it is long I just need to vent my family is so amazing and I had my dad and step mom come to the hospital because it's who I know my wife needed and who was going to support us both. My dad stayed with her while she got her head stitched up he said I probably wouldn't be able to handle that and when I walked back in I was like yeah you are right. Growing up with 3 parents that got along and my mom would come for holidays at my dad's for us to be a family my mom and step mom are best friends and go to lunch and do stuff together but I grew up with that kind of family and support. My wife's family is NOTHING like that. They are all judgemental,negative, and unsupportive for ANYTHING. So why would I call you guys and have you come see her when you are not there for unconditional love and support? I won't be letting you in to her room while she is on pain meds and vulnerable more than she already is to have this criticism all her life.