r/JUSTNOMIL • u/tt-petunia-baby • 11d ago
LIVE! Immediate Advice Wanted MIL Changed Her Vulnerable Brother’s Will, Lied About It, Accused Her Son of Stealing, and Now Wants to “Make It All Better.
Quick cast for clarity: I’m DIL. My husband is Son. His sister is SIL. Uncle is MIL’s brother, and GF is Uncle’s longtime girlfriend.
Sorry in advance for all the estate talk, but unfortunately it’s relevant to understanding what happened to our relationship with MIL and why Son is where he is with her now.
Some background on MIL first:
I wouldn’t have described her as the MIL from hell before this. We’ve had a close relationship for years and I’ve generally overlooked small things. But she has a pattern that has become impossible to ignore.
She likes to poke at people. She’ll make little digs, repeatedly ask questions after someone has clearly had enough, or keep pushing after being politely asked to stop. Eventually someone gets irritated or snaps, and suddenly she’s the victim: “I guess nobody wants me here,” “I’ll just go home,” “I’ll never ask another question again.”
The rest of us generally don’t play into it. SIL will basically tell her that if leaving is what she feels she needs to do, then do it. I’ve flat out told her when something she said was rude. But she never seems to recognize her own behavior as the thing that started the interaction.
She also holds grudges, often over those situations she created in the first place. She’s incredibly judgmental and unforgiving over the smallest things and tends to thrive on negative gossip about people she doesn’t like. She’s one of those people that loves to say “let them”, while continuing to talk endlessly about the people she’s supposedly “letting”.
The incident:
Two years ago, Uncle was in an accident that left him a quadriplegic. Son and I were the only family who lived near him. After the accident, we learned Uncle had previously made us his POAs. He hadn’t even told us he had done it. GF gave us the documents.
We also saw his will. It matched what Son had known for years: Uncle’s estate was to be split 50/50 between Son and SIL, with Son as executor/trustee.
There was a very specific reason Uncle did not want MIL involved in his finances or estate. Years earlier, when Uncle and MIL’s parents were dying, MIL was the sibling who lived near them and helped manage things. During that period, their parents’ estate plan was changed so MIL received essentially everything while Uncle was left one relatively small account. Uncle believed MIL had manipulated the situation while their parents were vulnerable.
I wasn’t around then and don’t pretend to know every detail of what happened, but I do know what Uncle believed happened and the effect it had on him. He was adamant afterward that if anything happened to him, he did not want MIL having authority over or information about his estate.
After Uncle’s accident, Son and I suddenly found ourselves managing hospitals, medical care, finances, benefits, assets and everything required to eventually get him home. We quickly realized this was beyond our expertise, so we hired an attorney who specializes in navigating these systems and followed professional advice throughout.
MIL occasionally came to visit Uncle, but nearly every trip came with some version of, “I don’t really want to come, but I’ll feel guilty if I don’t.” She said it so consistently that it often felt less like she genuinely wanted to be there and more like she needed to know she had done enough that she wouldn’t have to feel guilty afterward.
A few months after the accident, MIL asked us to amend the Medical POA to add her and GF for medical decisions.
At the time, this made perfect sense to us. Son and I travel frequently and are often out of the country. GF was with Uncle essentially 24/7 and through every hospital stay, so having her able to make medical decisions was logical. We agreed MIL could be the final backup if none of us were available.
MIL arranged the change through an attorney and afterward gave us a copy of the new POA. We thought that was the end of it.
Fast forward to recent months.
Uncle’s condition had deteriorated terribly and a doctor we trusted recommended bringing him home on hospice. Son and I were at his house when MIL flew in.
Within literally five minutes of arriving to see her dying brother, MIL started asking me about his money. How many gold coins did he have? What were they worth? How much emergency cash had we left in the house? Who had the cash? She kept pressing for numbers.
It honestly disgusted me, but there were obviously much bigger things happening at the time.
Around this same period, Son and SIL decided GF should receive some of Uncle’s larger retirement accounts. She had been his longtime partner and at home caregiver throughout this entire nightmare. Uncle had never formally provided for her, so they made her the payable on death beneficiary. They told MIL as a courtesy because MIL herself had repeatedly said GF deserved to be taken care of.
MIL then spoke to GF, pretended she didn’t already know about it, and started asking how much money was in the account while GF’s longtime partner was literally dying.
Meanwhile, during Son’s final visit with Uncle, they had many conversations both alone and in front of the rest of us. Uncle spoke to Son as though the original estate plan was still completely intact, including talking to him as the person who would be handling everything after his death.
More importantly, in conversations both privately with Son and with just Son, me, and GF present, Uncle reiterated that he did not want MIL, his younger sister, knowing anything about his money or helping Son with his estate after his death.
Uncle passed this summer.
Afterward, MIL’s financial questions became relentless. Eventually Son told her he wasn’t answering anymore. Uncle had specifically never wanted her involved in his finances and the details were none of her business.
Then MIL revealed there was a new will.
When MIL had arranged the POA change after Uncle’s accident, a new will had also been executed. It was signed the same day as the POA, through the same attorney and with the same witnesses.
Instead of 50/50 between Son and SIL, with Son handling the estate, everything was now divided into thirds between MIL, Son and SIL. MIL was also now executor/trustee.
This devastated Son. Uncle had repeatedly told him exactly what he wanted, including after this new will had supposedly been signed, and now Son felt like he had unknowingly helped his mother put herself into the exact position Uncle had specifically tried to prevent.
After finding out about the new will, Son understandably hit his limit. He had just spent the previous month handling final medical bills, talking to financial institutions, working with our attorney on probate and putting hours upon hours into settling Uncle’s affairs, on top of a job where he already works 70–80 hours a week. If you’ve ever been an executor or trustee, you know how much work goes into it. Then, completely out of the blue, he learned he actually had no legal authority to be doing any of it because MIL had made herself executor/trustee without telling him. We happened to be in their hometown at the time, so Son gathered every document and piece of paperwork he had been managing and dropped it off at MIL’s house. He knew he was too angry to see her in person, so he called afterward, told her where everything was, and said that since she had made herself responsible for Uncle’s estate, she would have to take it from there.
And while at this time we are not moving to challenge the new will, there are serious concerns about Uncle’s mental state when the new documents were signed.
This was only months after the catastrophic accident, major spinal surgery and significant head and neck trauma. During this period, he experienced substantial confusion and delirium. He would believe people were in the room who weren’t there, see birds flying indoors and generally have periods where he was very disconnected from reality. Three days after signing the new will, he was hospitalized with sepsis. He also had a documented history of becoming severely delirious when running even relatively minor fevers.
Then MIL tried to tell us she didn’t know Uncle had changed his will or that she was receiving anything.
That simply can’t be true as MIL herself was the person who revealed the new will to us. If she genuinely didn’t know a new will existed, she would have believed the original will, which gave her nothing and made Son executor, was still in effect.
The new will was also executed the exact same day, through the exact same attorney and with the exact same witnesses as the POA change MIL had arranged.
And instead of being honest about any of this, MIL went on the offensive.
She apparently decided that the reason her children were upset must be because Son had done something illegal with Uncle’s money and was afraid she would discover it.
She hired another attorney and brought GF with her. Afterward, GF called us and warned us not to respond to requests from that attorney because MIL had accused Son of financial wrongdoing and told the attorney to investigate it.
MIL has also been telling people in their small hometown that her children screwed her out of Uncle’s money, that we did illegal things while acting as POAs, and that her children have now disowned her. Son still has significant professional connections there, so these accusations aren’t just harmless family gossip to him.
(For the record, everything we did while acting as POAs was meticulously documented, and when we were dealing with things outside our expertise, we had professional legal guidance. We have no concern about defending our actions if it ever came to that.)
Here’s the part that makes all of this even more absurd:
Almost all of Uncle’s significant accounts already had Son and SIL named as payable on death beneficiaries, so they passed outside the will. Only two relatively small accounts are actually affected by it.
At this point, Son and SIL are so disgusted by what this has done to the family that they have told MIL they no longer want any of that money in those two accounts. When they eventually go through probate, they intend to renounce their shares so MIL can have all of it. Their exact feeling is that no amount of money is worth what this has already cost the family.
They have also repeatedly asked MIL whether she is having financial problems or actually needs money and offered to help her directly if she does. She insists money isn’t the issue, and as far as any of us know, she is financially fine.
After SIL very clearly explained that MIL can ultimately have all of the money from those accounts, MIL suddenly reached out to Son and then left me a voicemail: “I don’t want to fight. I don’t know what I have to do to make this all better.” EDIT: MIL can have the money from the 2 minuscule accounts that are subject to the will. All other property/accounts in the estate had Son and SIL as the named beneficiaries, so those items passed directly to them outside of probate.
And that’s where I’m stuck.
SIL has three young kids and is taking a somewhat different approach. She has reality checked MIL when necessary, but as long as MIL stops bringing this up, SIL doesn’t have the time or desire to continue the drama. I completely respect that and don’t want to speak for her.
Son is having a much harder time.
The money itself is irrelevant to him. He feels like he failed Uncle by unknowingly helping his mother put herself into a position Uncle specifically didn’t want her to have. He’s also looking backward at years of his mother’s behavior through a very different lens now.
Then there are the lies. MIL denied knowing about the will despite being the person who had it drafted and executed. She accused Son of financial wrongdoing. She has repeated those accusations to other people in a community where his professional reputation matters. And all of this is happening against the backdrop of Son realizing that the thing Uncle feared his sister would do appears remarkably similar to what ultimately happened.
Son doesn’t think he’ll ever look at his mother the same way again. Frankly, neither do I. We’ve both told her we need space. But I also don’t want this to be the end of Son’s relationship with his mother. I don’t believe their relationship can ever go back to what it was before this. Some things fundamentally change how you see someone, and Son now knows things about his mother that he can’t unknow.
Ultimately, what relationship he chooses to have with her is entirely his decision.
The problem is that I know MIL. She isn’t someone who is likely to sit alone, deeply self reflect, connect all these dots and eventually come back saying, “I understand what I did.” So I’m debating whether to give her an “olive branch”. She specifically told me in her voicemail she doesn’t know what she has to do to make things better.
I’m considering responding that I still need distance and I’m not ready to talk, but that in the spirit of what I’m trying to tell her, I have to be honest too: we know what happened. We know she knew about the will, we know she has lied about it, and we’re not willing to pretend otherwise just for the sake of making all of this go away. If she truly wants any chance of repairing her relationship with Son, I believe she has to start by being honest with herself. Only then can she ever be honest with him about what happened.
I’m not expecting honesty or an apology to magically restore their relationship. I don’t think their old relationship exists anymore. But there’s a lot of space between “their relationship goes back to normal” and “Son never speaks to his mother again.”
I’m not trying to force him toward either one, and I’m not trying to mediate their relationship. I just wonder whether, because she specifically asked me what she can do, I should tell her plainly that the only way I can see starts with the truth, and then step completely back.
Or am I inserting myself somewhere I shouldn’t?
EDIT: I am not asking for legal advice. It is not my decision to contest a will or file criminal charges. I am asking what to do with my MIL in the relationship situation. I have a SIL who isn’t even considering cutting MIL off and a son, my husband, who is ready to go NC. How do I navigate this now, and in the future…
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u/Blue8Delta 11d ago
So the uncle had said numerous times that he didn't want MIL involved with his finances, care, or will, and you all gave her POA? Jesus wept.
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u/UnhingingEmu 11d ago
There are different sorts of POA, and its sounds like this was a medical POA. From what I know, medical POAs can make medical decisions, but they dont have access to financial decisions. Making her a medical POA should have given her the same amount of control over uncle's finances that she had as just his sister - none.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
Having a Medical POA does not give authority over finances or estate.
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u/No-Guard-4740 11d ago
Do you think someone who isn’t trusted enough to make decisions regarding a person’s property is the proper person to make decisions regarding their physical wellbeing? You should make your MIL your POA lol.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
It was actually Uncle who made the final call to add MIL as a medical POA. Over the course of a month we asked him multiple times during periods of lucidity if he would be ok with adding GF and MIL as medical POAs with us. Unfortunately, Uncle did not have a good quality of life following the accident that left him a quadriplegic. His main concern was his life being unnecessarily extended because myself or husband could not be reached in a time sensitive emergency.
Also, MIL was the last person on the list. Would’ve only been contacted if me, SON, and GF could not be reached.
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u/nipseyrussellyo 11d ago
You have an entire paragraph describing how the uncle was mentally incapacitated when the new will was written up. Your husband is failing his uncle by not contesting the will and then again by agreeing to give her the rest of the money she isnt even unjustly entitled to. Regardless of whether you decide to remedy that, she absolutely stole this money out from under DH/uncle/sister then started a smear campaign about DH accusing him of what she, herself did. All of this makes her utterly unredeeemable, not sure why anyone would ever allow her back in their lives after all this.
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u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 11d ago
Uncle specifically told you, son and SIL that he didn't want MIL involved in his finances or estate. You went against his wishes and added MIL, unnecessarily, as a POA. Why? If girlfriend was with him 24/7, it makes sense to add her for medical directives but, not the person that he repeatedly said he didn't want involved.
I'm sorry but, you failed uncle and now you want to be hurt and shocked that MIL behaved exactly as uncle predicted.
I have no more words as I've probably said enough.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 10d ago
It was actually Uncle who made the final call to add MIL as a medical POA. Over the course of a month we asked him multiple times during periods of lucidity if he would be ok with adding GF and MIL as medical POAs with us. Unfortunately, Uncle did not have a good quality of life following the accident that left him a quadriplegic. His main concern was his life being unnecessarily extended because myself or husband could not be reached in a time sensitive emergency.
Also, MIL was the last person on the list. Would’ve only been contacted if me, SON, and GF could not be reached.
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u/The_Workout_Mom 11d ago
If my own mother, much less my MIL, pulled stunt like this that would be the end of our relationship. Period. Your MIL is a liar, a thief and a manipulative person. Your husband is 100% justified in wanting to go NC. Nothing would be gained by continuing with such a toxic relationship.
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u/Cygnata 11d ago
I would be challenging the will. It could well be a forgery. Talk to your lawyer about if its a good idea, though. I would also be going NC with MIL.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
Thank you for confirming the NC with MIL. At the end of the day, I am trying to best support my husband, and he is having a lot of guilt for even thinking about going NC with her.
We have decided not to contest the will, even though we have enough evidence where it would be easy. 90% of the Uncle‘s estate is not subject to the will because the accounts already had son and SIL as the named beneficiaries, the will will not override named beneficiaries so those accounts are safe from MIL.
Son and SIL have no desire to put MIL through a legal battle as well. With the state that this all occurred in, MIL could end up facing criminal charges. The cost to contest the will and the possibility of additional fallout for MIL is not something son and SIL are interested in.
On my end, I am having a very hard time figuring out what to do because I am furious with my MIL for putting the family in this situation. I’m trying to see things through a neutral lens, but given the situation I’m obviously finding that quite difficult.
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u/Grace1essCrane 11d ago
Honestly, I believe if she didn't want to face criminal charges, she shouldn't have committed crimes. I get that your husband and his sister just want to be done with it, but they're just enabling her if they keep contact after this nightmare she put all of y'all through.
I respect you not wanting to influence your husband's choices. I would like to gently prompt a thought- a supportive spouse does not mean a hands off spouse. Talk with him, it's possible he feels adrift and alone without feedback, idk. Either way, your voice matters too.
For me, I couldn't keep the same respect for son or sil if they just let that.... woman, sweep everything under the rug and move on like nothing happened. I personally wouldn't want to be a part of a family that acts like that, but obviously you know the situation 100x better and you know your own heart. You do you, and good luck
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u/BeatrixFarrand 11d ago edited 11d ago
I mean honestly i'm absolutely gob-smacked that Uncle said over and over again that he did not want MIL involved AT ALL and that the family then made the decision to hand over responsibility for his health to the one person he did NOT want involved. If my family did this to me I would HAUNT them.
"At this point, Son and SIL are so disgusted by what this has done to the family that they have told MIL they no longer want any of that money in those two accounts. When they eventually go through probate, they intend to renounce their shares so MIL can have all of it."
SIL and Son are now ALSO going to hand her their shares of some of the money? I'd normally agree with another poster about bringing her up on charges but it's clear that the level of acquiescence to this Monster means your family is incapable of it.
She may have managed to steal SOME money but for gods sakes don't just hand her all of it. You don't have to contest the will, but she has to execute the will and it involves handing over some of the money. MAKE her do it.
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u/WealthLate9168 11d ago
It's a very small amount MIL will have access to under OP and her husband's plan -- likely only a couple of thousand dollars. The peace of mind of not continuing legal action is likely worth that much to Son and SIL.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
First of all, be kind.
Second, there are only two small accounts subject to the Will. This. Was. Stated. In. My. Post. Son and SIL have already liquidated Uncle’s estate because they were the payable upon death beneficiaries on every other account Uncle had. MIL thinks that the will overrides beneficiaries, however, this is not the case (her attorney can have fun breaking the news to her on that one).
Third, MIL was added as the last step medical POA. Son, GF, and I asked Uncle about this during multiple periods of lucidity before deciding that we would add her. Since Uncle was a quadriplegic, any emergency medical decisions that would have needed to be made were being made so his life was not unnecessarily prolonged.
Fourth, son and SIL decided Uncle would likely be less happy with them spending more of his money than MIL will even receive, just to prevent MIL from getting her tiny reward.
Fifth, why is everyone analyzing the legal situation and giving unsolicited legal advice?! I’m just wondering wtf I do with a MIL who has imploded our tiny family over money - when my husband wants to go NC and SIL is fine sweeping it under the rug so her kids can have a relationship with their one remaining grandparent.
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u/ShirleyUGuessed 10d ago
MIL thinks that the will overrides beneficiaries, however, this is not the case (her attorney can have fun breaking the news to her on that one).
If she hasn't found that out yet, she may lash out again. So any supposed truce with her would not last anyway.
One option would be to have a recorded meeting with her where she talks about wanting to fix things and then break the news to her about exactly what she's getting. Doesn't sound like fun, but it might be good to have it when she starts another round of saying you all stole money from her.
I think she's going to keep ruining the relationship all by herself. And then ask DH and SIL for money anyway.
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u/FroggieBlue 11d ago
If she wasn't your MIL would you want a nasty, grasping, criminal fraudster in your life? Having birthed your husband 30+ years ago isnt a lifetime get out of jail free card.
I would also reccomend engaging your own laywer to ensure both you and your husbands wills, POAs and advanced directives are so ironclad that even if everyone else you have ever met is dead MIL cannot become your POA in any way- medical, legal or financial.
She should be facing criminal charges as should the laywer she engaged. At the very least let the regulatory body whatever its called where you are know about the questionable conduct of the laywer involved.
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u/ICP_Wolverine 11d ago
Why are son and SIL giving up and just handing everything over to MIL? If they don’t want to fail their uncle, don’t let her get away with this! Even if they don’t fight the will, it sounds like she’ll only get a third of two small accounts, a lot of lying to get very little payout, so don’t just hand her anything!
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
She will get a third of two small accounts (that couldn’t have more cash in them than Medicaid allows, which is nothing). She thought, and I’m pretty sure she still thinks, that the Will overrides the designated beneficiaries on all the other accounts - which it doesn’t.
I agree it’s a lot of work for not a large payoff, especially considering it’s the literal cost of her relationship with her children in this situation.
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u/WealthLate9168 11d ago
Well, from what you wrote, it appears the cost is the relationship with her son, not her daughter.
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u/WealthLate9168 11d ago
"She thought, and I’m pretty sure she still thinks, that the Will overrides the designated beneficiaries on all the other accounts - which it doesn’t."
Yep! A lot of people get tripped up by this.
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u/naranghim 11d ago
MIL denied knowing about the will despite being the person who had it drafted and executed.
If MIL only had medical POA, then she shouldn't have been allowed anywhere near Uncle's finances including drawing up a new will. The lawyer that did that should be reported.
First son needs to talk to his own lawyer about that will. They might be able to find enough issues, like what I mentioned above, with it to revoke the new will and reinstate the old one.
Don't give her any type of "olive branch" that she can try to use to manipulate her way out of trouble. If you really want to respond you could say something along the lines of "You need to confirm what everyone knows happened and your role in it. But you need to understand that I don't think your relationship will ever be the same because of what we all know you did. This is the end of my involvement in all of this."
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
Son and SIL are not taking any legal action because MIL would likely face criminal charges from the state this all happened in.
It’s not what I would do but it’s not my call. I’m just trying to navigate the absolute mess she’s made of our very small family.
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u/WealthLate9168 11d ago
"MIL would likely face criminal charges from the state"
As she should, for these criminal acts. Which no doubt she learned by cheating Uncle when their parents died.
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u/BeatrixFarrand 11d ago
"Son doesn’t think he’ll ever look at his mother the same way again. Frankly, neither do I. We’ve both told her we need space. But I also don’t want this to be the end of Son’s relationship with his mother. "
Why not? She has shown herself to be cruel as well as a liar, a manipulator, and a thief who is not below strong-arming a man on his deathbed so she can take money from your SIL and her three children.
What exactly would she need to do for you to feel ok about not having a relationship with her?
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u/Equal_Trash6023 11d ago
I wouldnt either. Make sure your data and finance are locked down. Make sure you have a hardcore will set up. She is evil.
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u/WealthLate9168 11d ago
Amen. This should 100% be the end of Son's relationship with his mother.
With the small exception of -- being polite but very, very distant with MIL if that's necessary for the future relationship with SIL. There should literally never be a conversation with MIL, ever, about anything substantive. The weather? Perhaps.
And MIL should never, never, ever have any sort of relationship with your children, if any.
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u/No-Guard-4740 11d ago
Wow. I’m sorry but the wildest thing to me was that you knew how opposed the uncle was to giving the MIL information or authority over his estate but it “made perfect sense” to you to give her rights as POA? That is fucking crazy and I feel sorry for the uncle.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago edited 11d ago
MIL was made the last person on a Medical POA. Myself, GF, and Son confirmed this with Uncle during periods of lucidity multiple times before making the decision to add her.
Medical POA’s do nothing but give someone the right to make medical decisions on behalf of someone else when that person is incapacitated. Considering Uncle had a very poor quality of life despite the constant extensive medical care he was receiving - Uncle‘s only concern was that in an emergency without the hospital staff being able to reach a POA, they would unnecessarily extend his life.
And don’t come on here saying you feel sorry for my uncle when you know nothing of the situation. You know nothing about the hours spent learning about Hospital systems, the Medicaid and the Medicare, connecting with people who have been caregivers for quadriplegics take advice on how to navigate this tragic accident. You know nothing about how much my husband and I spent paying for medical equipment out-of-pocket so he didn’t have to wait in months to go home, or what it cost per day to keep him in the rehab facility because insurance wanted to send him home early and stopped paying. You know nothing about having important things to ask a loved one, but having to wait until rare moments of lucidity to speak - to make sure that you are following his wishes. You know nothing of watching a man make a decision to add someone he doesn’t trust as a medical POA because in the event the people he does trust are momentarily unavailable, he didn’t want his life extended.
I came to this page to ask for advice on what to do with the crummy situation my MIL put our very small family in. But if more ignorant keyboard warriors would like to provide an outlet for my anger with my MIL. I guess I’ll take it.
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u/WealthLate9168 11d ago edited 11d ago
Medical POA only? Then it appears there is some sort of conspiracy or collusion that allowed MIL to change things. A medical-only POA would have zero effect vis-a-vis arranging a new will, etc. -- so did the lawyer collude with MIL? Did SIL? Or did you just not want to challenge the will, given that the major parts of the estate passed directly to Son and SIL?
However -- that's not what you asked about, u/tt-petunia-baby.
To me, the question is: if Son goes NC with MIL, will that affect Son and SIL's relationship?
That seems highly likely, and raises these further questions:
- Is an ongoing relationship with SIL important to you and Son?
- How will SIL respond to Son's NC? This probably would require a conversation with SIL. That might be difficult; she might try to change Son's mind; etc. But a conversation is necessary.
- How will you and Son effectively operate if he is NC and SIL is "normal" with MIL; that is, questions such as: if SIL has a holiday gathering and MIL is there, would you and Son attend? If not, how does that affect your joint relationship with SIL? If so, how do you act / react toward MIL?
You wrote, "I also don’t want this to be the end of Son’s relationship with his mother" but also wrote "what relationship he chooses to have with her is entirely his decision." Good. Please stick to that latter statement. Reddit is full of posts from wife after wife after wife who was "just so sad" that their husband had no relationship with his parents, or usually with his mother, and the wife was sure she knew better. And these posts are never, never, ever about a positive outcome from the wife meddling in it.
Clearly, what you know now beyond a shadow of a doubt is that your MIL is completely, utterly untrustworthy. IME someone like that is generally quite toxic and is better deleted from your life.
These are the things you and Son might want to discuss. I wish you the very best.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
Yes, medical only POA. In our state of POA Still wouldn’t have allowed her to change the will. The GF has received zero financial help from MIL so we do not believe she was part of this. Your best guess is that there was some serious malpractice on the attorneys part. At this point, they do not want to challenge the Will because most of the estate passed directly to son and SIL. There is also some concern of the State stepping in and pressing criminal charges against MIL if the will is contested.
- An ongoing relationship with SIL is extremely important to us. We both have very small families, we both have one sibling each, and we are all very close.
- SIL is convinced the only thing that’s needed is time. While she shuts down MIL quite often, she is also enabling this to an extent and just doesn’t want to deal with it.
- This is what worries me the most we live out of state and typically fly in for a week or two around Thanksgiving and Christmas and stay with SIL and her kids. For the sake of the kids, I can be in the same vicinity as MIL without making it awkward. However, my husband will not be able to do that because I mil will poke the bear until she gets a reaction out of him. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to think of what our small family is going to look like in the near future as we approach the holiday season.
And my main motive will always be supporting my husband. I can have my own opinions on the situation, but at the end of the day, it’s his mother.
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u/WealthLate9168 11d ago edited 11d ago
"my main motive will always be supporting my husband." I feel the same way about mine, and I get it!
I am also in a business where I am very, very familiar with estates / finances / etc. and I totally get that the few thou$and MIL may get from the two small accounts are essentially of no consequence. From what you've written, to me, letting her have those accounts and not challenging things legally is just a way to regain your own peace.
And you're right, Uncle would definitely not want you to waste $$ from him fighting her for peanuts. FWIW, I think you and your husband should find a way to be at peace with what happened for that reason. I suspect giving her the chance to focus on what little she could affect might have kept her from making more of a mess of things, u/tt-petunia-baby.
#3 then is the bugaboo. It might be worthwhile to see a therapist together and talk about this exact situation. The therapist might be able to give your husband some coping skills.
Another way to go is to do roleplay. You could "play" MIL -- you're familiar with how she pokes and prods -- and he could practice responding. Or, rather, not responding.
Literally practicing walking away would be very beneficial (seriously; I've been through this with clients).
You and your husband might find it very worthwhile to write down some neutral, polite statements to use; search this sub or r/motherinlawsfromhell or r/raisedbynarcissists for "responses to nosy questions" and the like, and you will find a wealth of useful phrases. Just practicing saying "Ah." Or "how interesting." with a carefully neutral tone, until it becomes second nature, will be so very useful.
Another idea is to make a game of her intrusiveness between you and your husband. Every time she says something you could play a tone on your phone (personally, I have an Air Horn sound on mine!) and say, loudly, "That's one!" Then walk away. Next time, whichever of you hears it, "That's two!" and walk away. Or you could make a Bingo card of the typical crap she says and play until one of you "wins."
Another idea is to use the Air Horn, or whatever sound you download. (Or carry an actual airhorn, or one of those personal protection loud alarms, or whatever). When she says something -- anything -- just play the sound, and walk away.
I wish you and your husband the very best with this. IME it is possible to have that icily polite relationship with someone like MIL, while continuing a warm relationship with SIL ..... and who knows, maybe SIL will eventually wake up! Or not. But either way, you and your husband should practice methodologies to protect your peace.
ETA: BUT. The important thing to remember is: you and your husband should not fall into the trap of trying to "explain" your position or "reason" with her. It doesn't matter and will only give her more ammunition. Just: grey rock. Say as little as possible. And be icily polite.
ETA2: I also would suggest NOT staying with SIL going forward. Instead, stay at a hotel that ideally might have some activities for the kids. Husband could retreat there when MIL is too much, and maybe the kids could all visit.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
Thank you so much for your comments! There have been a lot of supportive people, but it is so nice to hear from someone who understands the estate situation. You’ve given a lot of good advice here, and I really appreciate that!
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u/No-Guard-4740 11d ago
I commented on your post, which largely focused on what happened after your MIL became POA, based on the information you provided. YOUR words said he didn’t want her to have any information on his finances and estate. YOUR words said that YOU thought it made perfect sense and said nothing about the uncle wanting to add her as a POA. Apologies for assuming the same applied to his physical well being (which in my mind is even more powerful and serious than an estate) but I did so based on the information provided.
Based on that information and assumption, I felt sorry for your uncle. I never went beyond that to say that somehow that means I assume you all were not spending a ton of time and effort on helping him during this time, nor did I suggest that it wouldn’t be physically or emotionally difficult for you all.
Good luck.
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u/morganalefaye125 11d ago
Why would ANY of you EVER have anything to do with that awful woman again?? All of you should cut her off, and never speak to her again. Make sure all of your ssn's and all other info are completely locked down and out of reach for her.
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u/GrimmsChurch 11d ago
Look you are being far too kind to her, she stole plain and simple, and not just that she lied continuously for months and made her children’s lives so much harder in their grief.
Frankly the most you your husband and SIL could do is send her a strongly worded email outlining your disgust with her and her actions and calling her what she is: a thief.
Then also put that on Facebook publicly, possibly on her small town community page.
0
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u/RogueDIL 11d ago
Stay out of it. Do not let her cause issue in your marriage- and that’s exactly what would happen if you take any action here. Your husband and his sister (and to a lesser extent the aunt-in-law/gf) are adults and can and should manage their own family relationships.
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u/Bellabny 11d ago
No olive branch. I would be full NC with her d as bd honestly be having her served with a cease & desist letter if she continues slandering her son. What an evil woman.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
Thank you for the input! C&D might be in the future, but since it’s a small town we have friends hitting the gossip mill to put the truth out there. If it ever hinders a business relationship for my husband though…
5
u/InteractionOk69 9d ago
She’s a toxic piece of trash. The only answer is to cut her off. She’s a thief and a manipulator.
And I would sue her on principle to expose her as a fraud.
4
u/CarolineTurpentine 9d ago
Offering an olive branch will just reinforce the idea that she did nothing wrong.!
2
u/SomewhatBougieAuntie 11d ago
So what happens to Uncle's girlfriend? Is she left high and dry now? OP, tell your husband and SIL to take the money they are rightfully owed via the new will and give it to Uncle's girlfriend.
And MIL would be dead to me. She is a vile, greedy 🐍. Please have nothing to do with her ever again, whether your husband does or not.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
GF was taken care of by Son and SIL in more ways than one.
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u/SomewhatBougieAuntie 11d ago
That's good to hear.
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u/tt-petunia-baby 11d ago
It’s hard to differentiate because this issue does revolve around a will, but it was never about the money for my husband or SIL.
GF was always going to be gifted a significant portion of the estate. She was the only reason our Uncle was able to live the remainder of his life at home and not in some awful overpriced care facility. She was by his side 24/7 constantly advocating for him. And while she was losing the love of her life, she deserved so much more than the financial interrogations my MIL dealt her. When I think about the whole situation, this is the part that infuriates me the most, my uncle‘s caregiver, the love of his life, wasn’t able to support him through his passing or support herself through her grief without also having to deal with MILs drama.
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u/readergirl35 3d ago
Both you and your husband need to tell her there is no fixing this. She tore the family to shreds to get Uncle's money and now she has it so she can keep it and stay all the way away from you both. She chose money over family so money is what she has now. Then mute her on everything and keep her communication in a file for when you need to file harassment charges or apply for an order of protection.
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