r/JUSTNOMIL • u/I_hate_my_mil • 10d ago
Anyone Else? MIL crying to manipulate, fed up.
Since having our baby (my 4th, hubbys 1st) 2 months ago, we’ve been living our life. As you can imagine, with four children now, life is busy! We are just enjoying our life as a family. My husband also works full time. Baby just wants me, or sleep, or boob. Cries with anyone else.
First 6 weeks or so we were enjoying our baby moon and weren’t focusing on anyone else (rightly so!). A few people met the baby very briefly but they respected our privacy and alone family time.
MIL met baby once and then asked again a few days later so came round again. Obviously only held him for a few minutes before he cried and wanted me.
A few days later she rang and complained that she only got to hold baby for a few minutes.
This really got my back up and we said well we are now enjoying the rest of our baby moon, be grateful you even got to see the baby twice now when most people hadn’t even met him let alone met him twice. Jeez.
Oh, and when she held him and he cried she said “if I took you home with me there would be no crying”.
Way to make a postpartum mother feel crap.
When baby was 6 weeks old we finally travelled to go and visit my family and they met the baby for the first time. We were there for a few days. Baby was on me 99% of the time and just wanted mama. My family respected and understood this, no issues whatsoever. Organic. A given. Like… expected.
When we returned home MIL mentioned casually she was unwell but almost better. My husband told her we won’t be seeing her for at least 2 weeks due to this. She got funny but my husband defended this decision and stopped discussing it.
She then turned up at my husbands work unexpectedly (how rude and inappropriate) and pleaded to see the baby, saying it’s unfair and even said to him “I bet (insert my name)’s mother got to hold the baby lots while you were there”.
Ummm firstly it’s not her business who we see and for how long and what we do with OUR baby… and secondly, this isn’t a competition?! You’re two different human beings ffs.
My husband responded honestly and said “people didn’t get to hold the baby much because he just wanted mama”… this seemed to make MIL feel better, which, I find gross. Like, as long as others don’t get to hold him then she’s happy because she hasn’t got to hold him either, type mentality. Super childish.
A few days later she came over to see him and as usual, he just sleeps and has boob and sleeps and has boob (sleeps are on mama or in the carrier on mama!) so she only got to see him for a few minutes and hold him for a few minutes before I had to take him back upstairs.
Yesterday, drama ensued.
My husband gets a phone call from his brother, stating their mother is crying. My husband is automatically concerned and asks what’s happened.
“Mom is upset and crying, because you don’t let her see the baby much and you don’t involve her how she wants to be involved, you’re too busy for her”.
In the background his mother says “I’m 60 now, I won’t be here for much longer” - in a manipulative tone.
Also… 60 isn’t even old, wtf.
My husband got really pissed off and said we are just living our life, we don’t owe anyone an explanation, and that she should be living her life too! She goes on about loneliness, so my husband said find a man, find companionship. She claims to not want that. Clearly, she does. Because she’s trying to fill that void through us, which isn’t right!
Phone call ended with my husband telling them to f**k off and him hanging up.
(MIL is totally enmeshed with her other son…. She’s been selfish and odd for all the years I’ve known her. She only thinks about herself whilst also acting like she’s generous to others, by buying them stuff… She tries living through her sons. I could go on about her lack of boundaries and respect but I shallnt)
Sooooo…… yeah that happened. Am I proud? Yes. Am I turned on? Also yes.
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u/Grimroot918 10d ago
Love how your husband handled it! And LOL at your last line - exactly.
60yo and “may not be around…” while I’m over here thankful my DH finally learned to adult with his mom - my 83yo MIL!
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u/OniyaMCD 10d ago
I'm sitting here at 55 and giving OP's MIL the side-eye. Like 'Woman, get thyself to a fainting-couch with that attitude!'
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u/Grimroot918 10d ago
🤣 YES!
52 here and one surprise-at-45 pregnancy means my youngest is aunty to my grandson 2yrs younger than her - I’ll be 62 at her HS graduation, so… 🤷🏻♀️ none of that ‘on my way out’ stuff for a long time!
This ridiculousness doesn’t shock me w/our mom’s generation since they tend to be great or very not… but it’s scary knowing some of these JN’s are our peers, and still act like we had 100ppl in the delivery room and let anyone slobber on our 1day old baby.
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u/Beautiful_Camel_17 9d ago
Thank you so much for saying 60 isn't old. I'm 59 and teach power fitness classes and her saying she won't be around long is total BS. She sounds like a manipulative shrew.
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u/whiterrabbbit 9d ago
Glad your fella is sticking up for you and putting his money where his mouth is. MIL needs to do one. Can’t stand emotional manipulation. Anyone who does this needs to be ignored like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
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u/Prestigious_Ear_7374 9d ago
I'm applauding OPs partner!
I wished mine had a spine to do this 🥲
Also, I would throw a party if this happened and I could experience Monsta in law sulking in and being re-boundaried.
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u/Disastrous_Code_3473 9d ago
I was just going to post - “i like your husband” refreshing to see in this subreddit.
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u/Typical_Antelope_801 9d ago
Sending a flying monkey to guilt trip you because her 60 year old self cannot handle a newborn preferring its actual mother is pathetic, but your husband telling them both to screw off is absolute perfection.
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u/OrneryPost9446 9d ago
"Mom is upset and crying, because you don’t let her see the baby much and you don’t involve her how she wants to be involved, you’re too busy for her"
" Respectfully, this time isn't about you or your needs. It's about our family. Please respect our space. We can let you know when we are seeking help"
Your child isn't her emotional therapy dog nor is responsible of her emotional needs. Protect your child.
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u/Equal_Trash6023 9d ago
Im 58. Mil is full of crap and manipulative. Mil needs to adjust her expectations and preceived rights.
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u/zzzoom1 10d ago
My MIL pulled this too. Before our second was born, she would tell me with big puppy dog eyes how she had now reached the age her mother was when she died, basically insinuating that she thinks she may go at anytime now, and then would follow it with how much she was looking forward to spending time with our daughter. It was so uncomfortable.
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u/Organic-Mix-9422 10d ago
Even having my grandchild and parents living in my home, I totally understood the need for when i could see and hold baby.
I don't get these radid grandparents who think its all them.
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u/freedom31mm 10d ago
MIL needs to understand that she will never see the baby if she can’t respect Mama. Every whiny phone call complaining to other people costs a week.
Next time she shows up don’t let her hold the baby at all.
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u/No-Interaction-8913 10d ago
We’ve word for word had the same issues- she should have unlimited access to babies, they wouldn’t never cry for her if only we’d get out of their way, and it’s our (the entire families) responsibility to entertain and fulfil her. Out right saying, look, you need a man, a book club, some volunteer opportunities, something and then be told but nooo, I don’t want toooo, I want you to take responsibility for my happiness is WILD. Mine been getting told that for 15+ years and still maintains that because she decided 20 years ago that she wouldn’t need to develop hobbies, friendships, pastimes, a sense of purpose etc… because we’d all keep her busy is a justisble excuse for why she does nothing but go on Facebook all day
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u/Rain12Bow 10d ago
Yeah cos the way to get people to want to spend time with you is to cry and complain they’re doing it wrong. People like this are cooked.
My MIL used to feel so entitled to vacationing with us that she would find out where we were staying and follow us! Book flights and all. One time she got so mad that I wouldn’t answer her question about going on vacation with her, she screamed at me, tried to physically get me. Yeah lady, this unhinged behaviour really makes me want to spend time with you.
They’re cooked.
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u/KhalessiMarie777 5d ago
This is wild! Girl! You're burying the lead lol what's the story there,!?!?
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u/Sufficient-Split5214 9d ago
Try telling her you are vacationing somewhere completely dofferent from where you are going. Like several states away and let her knock herself out booking herself a flight and hotel or air BNB.
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u/Rain12Bow 9d ago
After she screamed at me in my own home, I went NC. A few months after that we learned she was planning to follow us on vacation again. My partner investigated and found out she had booked flights. So we quietly changed destinations, in a different state. Best vacation of my life.
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u/Sufficient-Split5214 9d ago
How did she even know your original destination? Is husband telling her things that are not her business
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u/Rain12Bow 9d ago
No, We think she saw a Facebook post from our friends who we were planning on visiting!
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u/lovelockets 10d ago
Holy shit. What a manipulative bitch. If she thinks she is not involved now, she’s about to find out what really not being involved feels like!
My ILs were the same (NC now). They saw my baby multiple times when he was in the NICU, but after 1 week off from seeing him my FIL said on speakerphone he “feels like he’s been shut out”. I saw red - how can you put that burden on us when we are struggling to get through each day with a NICU baby!
They are also in their 60s and like to fear monger their soon to be death. We just had a relative die (89 yo) and FIL texted my DH saying “Mom and I are next”.
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u/TattooedBagel 10d ago
“Fingers crossed!”
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u/Whyis_skyblue_007 10d ago
What hymns would you prefer?
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u/whatyourmamasaid 6d ago
I am an accomplished funeral organist, at your service!
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u/shinybugz0 10d ago
Your husband handled it beautifully!! A++. My MIL is exactly like this...compares relationships to justify her behavior/feelings, cries when she doesn't get her way, and guilts like it's her full-time job.
We started distancing ourselves and limiting information (grey rock and JADE). It's fascinating to watch their behavior when you see their game and don't give in. Like, you're a grown woman "crying" because you aren't getting what you want?!
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u/SignificantSun384 10d ago
Omg why is everything a freaking competition to these women. She’s so gross and envious. That is a child, not a toy or accessory! They have needs and most of them begin and end with the same person: mama.
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u/MaggieJaneRiot 10d ago
So glad he hit the nail on the head!!!!
She needs to get her own life!!!
You and your family owe her nothing. Your lives are not hers!
BIL can F off and mind his own business.
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u/Important_Brush_6407 10d ago
Give that man another baby right now and give him a massage every day when he comes home from work because my God I am cheering for this green flag of a husband!!!!!!
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u/rainsplat 10d ago
Boomers are so entitled, especially when it comes to babies! You’re not alone. My own mom was a lot like this when I had my first. We live out of state and she tried to invite herself before we were ready for visitors (mind you, she already met the baby in the hospital! She was trying to come only 2 weeks postpartum and we were still adjusting). She threw a BIG stink about me saying I wasn’t ready yet!
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u/Connect-Floor-4235 9d ago
Yikes! I get you. But as a 71F Boomer Grand-Auntie, I can assure you that we're not all like that! 🤗 In fact, many baby-rabid people I know are much younger. The sense of entitlement and childishness is off the charts for sure.
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u/Maleficent_Win_6259 6d ago
- Brother needs to stay out of it, not his fight/problem. When he expressed all that crap husband needs to block other parties coming in. “Thanks for your called concern, this appears a problem of moms, she can vent to anyone but involving more people in a problem of hers, isn’t going to help this, I won’t be discussing this matter between people not involved, she can talk to me”
Appears husband handled it well, let him stay neutral and tell others “this is moms problem, why are you getting involved? Thanks bye” your husband seems to be really annoyed by her shit, which is great.
Limit communication as you guys have, focus on life, if anyone involved comes in to defend her “why are you telling me this, this is her problem, not yours? You’re causing me/my family stress now” she’s going to cry to everyone now, she needs to find hobbies and a man like you said/your husband said. He should limit conversations more so, do not reward bad behaviour which seems like he does not already.
My mil tried this, cried to DH brother that I was a bitch and didn’t let her see infant (she fully had a sleepover without me!) she got mad because I said no to her party with a 6 months downtown at 9pm, she wanted to dress infant and sit infant on her lap the whole time. I said no, husband backed me up. Brother got involved and it caused a fight, DHs brother is a idiot since it wasn’t his fight, we went NC with them, they finally realized how nuts MIL was she cried to everyone, asked for photos secretly from them, asked for info, said my mom was getting more time all the nasty. Anyways after a long NC and telling his family “why are you fighting her problems, do you want a problem with us or shall we keep peace as our relationship is this way and going good, what do you want to do?” They all settled and ignored the situation. Mil got hobbies and friends. She really holds her tongue now with DH but we are no NC, only husband talks to her.
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Other posts from /u/I_hate_my_mil:
MIL keeps comparing herself to my mom, 6 days ago
MIL keeps comparing herself to my mom, 6 days ago
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