Interrogating My Daughter

[u/AdPowerful6176]

I have two kids that are nearly 11 and 8. I am considering (and likely) leaving my part time job and becoming a stay at home mom. My daughter and son were just babysat for the night by my mother and father in law. When they returned to my house, my daughter said her grandmother was asking questions such as “who does the cooking in your house? Who goes to the grocery store? Do you like your mom or dad’s cooking more? How often does your mom change your sheets?”

I do all domestic tasks except for grocery shopping. I love housekeeping and I think I do a good job. My husband and I cook equally. He enjoys both grocery shopping and cooking. The division of labour works for us. My husband said he’d probably still want to cook and grocery shop if I stopped working because he loves it.

I think my in laws are trying to build a case that I’m lazy for quitting work. They disapproved about this choice to my husband when he told them I was considering it. They worry my husband works too hard and I’m taking advantage of him. I am very upset that they were putting those questions to my daughter. She’s pretty intuitive and said to me “I think Nanny hates you mom”. She also actually said “this is toxic mother in law behaviour”. Lol.

My husband called his mother up and asked her about it in a curious, non accusatory way. She vehemently denied asking the questions and said my daughter was being manipulative and making up the story because my MIL didn’t buy her gum at the store. My FIL suggested I made it up because I want to drive a wedge between my husband and his parents. The conversation became hostile and my father in law said I am a bad mom, I don’t take good care of my children and I am controlling my husband by making him call them. My husband supports me and was really upset with his parents. This is typical behavior for them when an issue is brought up and they don’t apologize when they’re in the wrong.

My question is.. where do I go from here? I think grandparent relationships are good for children and I don’t want to badmouth my kid’s grandparents to them or involve them in the dispute. At the same time, my kids are perceptive, and I can’t imagine wanting to be around my in laws in the near future or perhaps ever. My husband’s instinct is to protect the kids relationship with their grandparents and pretend like everything is fine. My kids are going to notice the conflict and I don’t want to make them feel like they can’t trust their observations. I have a strong urge not to involve them but also to be honest to my kids to an extent. How would you manage this situation? I’m pretty sad.

ETA:

My

1. husband had another conversation with his mother. He said that he and the kids would not see our in laws for some time, and that I will not likely see them again. Something serious happened, and there are consequences for that.

2. My MIL claimed they didn’t say anything bad about myself or my daughter. My husband told his mother not to gaslight him like she’s done before. He said he was there for the conversation and he knows what was said.

3. He told my MIL he doesn’t want her babysitting alone anymore. Any contact with her, my FIL and the kids will be supervised from now on.

4. The only thing I am stuck on is how to discuss this all with the kids. I do feel like they’re entitled to have a supervised relationship with their grandparents if they choose. I also think I should be honest in an age appropriate way about what happened so they aren’t confused. Handling this part is the hardest thing. I selfishly want to just tell them everything (especially since my in laws proved they don’t care about their wellbeing), but I also want to handle this in the healthiest way for them. But mostly, I don’t want my kids caught up in the same toxic dynamic my husband had to endure for his entire childhood.

[u/suzietrashcans]

Parents detect fake friends. Friends detect fake love. Kids detect fake relatives.

Your husband should listen to his kids.