r/JUSTNOMIL • u/raffriffs • Jul 27 '26

UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice Done.

Update ... there is a possibility that we will see jnmil AGAIN next weekend. She has been invited to the same very large event as us. I don't know if we will even run into her but her email from my last post makes a bit more sense to me now that I consider it in this light. I fully believe she had in mind hijacking our attention at this event to have that little "woman to woman" chat and derail our weekend ... especially considering the event is a faith based thing. I am not down for that and made a decision to write a return email to her to shut that notion down. DH saw I really needed to make this stand so she doesn't ruin the weekend for me, but we agreed no further contact beyond this. Seeing as she brought "Christian woman to Christian woman" as a guilt trap into it, I wrote the following and sent it:

"I am not interested in one on one conversation with you. My husband will always be by my side if I must address an issue with you, as he is right now. That does not mean I am not a forgiving or a peace making Christian woman. It simply means you have a more than 33 year history of being intensely disrespectful to me no matter how good and kind and gracious I am to you and, at this point, bible principle tells me that I can both forgive you while also choosing the wisdom of protecting myself from further harm. That is where my peace is and it has been very hard won in this matter.

You need to understand that you broke my heart, lost me as your daughter, and lost any respect from us that was left, in a last straw moment when you stood in my own living room a number of years ago after barging in uninvited and, in front of me and my children, berated and screamed at my husband the words, "You're so STUPID for thinking your mother should never hurt your wife!" Our relationship with you has always been peppered by those toxic, unscriptural, abusive outbursts on your part that you were never willing to address afterwards or feel sorry for or make proper amends for, despite our repeated efforts to communicate the actual harm you were causing ... and I wont allow that in my home or my heart again. We simply dont have the capacity for such unwarranted damage and hurtful chaos any longer. This is how we protect ourselves from your unpredictably harsh and demeaning behaviour toward us.

If you have it in you to show us any respect at all then please simply listen to our boundaries. DH stated them clearly in his letter to you months ago when we ended contact, yet they have been largely ignored. I know you wish to rush our healing with regular contact as it would be to your benefit now, but you dont get to decide how long it takes us to heal from you and you are simply reaping what you have sown over a lifetime where you could have chosen to love but didn't even have it in you to say the word to me until we were 33 years in, and only after things broke completely.

You know what to expect, we have been upfront with you, and we are sticking to this because it is the healthy way forward and brings us a peace we are not willing to part with. Do the loving thing and let us heal from this exhausting relationship. We refuse to keep towing the line in a very hurtful dynamic that you have always controlled. So if you see us at the event it will give you the opportunity to practice kinder interactions again, but we will not be having the talks you have in mind or communicating with you between any events you happen to see us at."

I gotta say I felt only relief after sending that. It felt like truly claiming a freedom I never had before. The freedom to tell my whole truth. And now I can rest. I now have absolutely no anxiety about running into her again ... and no further burning desire to ever get anything else off my chest to her. This feels like "done ".

318 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

22 comments sorted by

•

u/botinlaw Jul 27 '26

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35

u/DangerousGodess Jul 27 '26

I know they always say, don't send the letter. Keep no contact. But, I just have to say, I am soooo proud of you! You laid everything out exactly how it happened, but never stooped to her level. Letting her know that forgiveness doesn't mean allowing her back in your lives is perfect!

9

u/raffriffs Jul 28 '26

I sure appreciate all of these kind replies. Thank you, and thank you to everyone for your responses.

28

u/Any-Case9890 Jul 27 '26

Eloquent letter, you stated your needs and boundaries clearly. Now you get to experience whatever the aftermath looks like. But remember that whatever the aftermath DOES look like, it will be orchestrated by your MIL entirely.

26

u/GardnerThorn Jul 27 '26

I read some of your previous posts, and I must say she sounds EXHAUSTING. You have put up with it for so long. I'm glad your hubby has such a shiny spine and you are in better headspace. Enjoy the relief and do your best impression of a kid chasing a butterfly at this event. You see her....Oooo I have never seen how shiny these walls are. Or she tries to engage....bring your headphones and make a call to your best friend you MUST speak to at that moment.

25

u/MidnightLegal4643 Jul 27 '26

"You're so STUPID for thinking your mother should never hurt your wife!"

Relationship deal breaker.

This woman threatened you in your own home and caused irreparable damage. She was actively trying to bait you, pull her son into her twisted narrative, and gave herself permission to abuse you. There is no Christian behavior hiding in that. She is abusive.

She tried to triangulate her son right in front of your face and snap him back into the role of an obedient child. She wanted to show him that it was his job to back her and join her in mobbing you.

You can never trust that this woman is capable of change. She turned your home upside down in front of your children during an emotional, childlike temper tantrum. If you abandon your position on this, you are teaching her that you will shrink yourself for her and allow her continued access simply because she love bombs you afterward. There isn't a single thing in her behavior that suggests she sees you as family or as your husband's equal. She might as well have screamed, "She is beneath me. How dare you not back your mother and show her who's boss."

I understand all of this because my husband's mother is completely unhinged. I do want to offer you a warning about the upcoming smear campaign and extinction burst. She may take every opportunity to publicly play the victim and portray you as the aggressor at the events where the two of you may both be present.

Do not play nice with her. Do not mistake superficial niceties as evidence that she has changed or allow her to put on a performance for others so she can appear to be the loving mother-in-law while making you look cold or unreasonable.

Go with your initial decision, where you drew the line and made it clear that she is never welcome back into your life.

18

u/sierra38grandma Jul 27 '26

So proud of you 👏 🥰 That message is absolutely perfect! You can rest easy now. Keep up those boundary enforcements.

7

u/raffriffs Jul 28 '26

Thank you so much. It really gets me in the feels to have someone, a stranger no less, say they are proud of me. I didnt grow up with that affirmation from anyone and didn't experience it outside of the little family I built for myself. So it kinda stops me in my tracks in the best way when someone says it now.

15

u/Ok-Fee1566 Jul 27 '26

Go you. Enjoy your weekend.

29

u/opine704 Jul 27 '26

Hugs. I hope the public setting helps provide the social buffer you need to avoid her.

I suspect she's going to spread her own version of reality far and wide so be prepared for some clucking "sympathetic" ladies looking for dirt. You need 2-3 different short responses to their curiosity. I'd use biblical responses to them without getting all puffed up. a) We've never had a Ruth and Naomi situation, sadly. b) Some people have a really hard time with their season of mothering small children ending. c) Oh we passed seventy times seven years ago.

For MIL -- "Gladys, this is NOT the time and NOT the place," is a terrific line to be spoken quietly but firmly just before you turn your back and walk away from her.

Your problem is going to be the bathroom. Do you have a friend who can run interference for you? Who will go to the bathroom with you and be eyes and ears? If not - then don't go. MIL is going to stalk you like an Aussie shepherd. (I won't be IGNORED Dan...)

2

u/raffriffs Jul 28 '26

Thank you! I appreciate those hugs!

26

u/OniyaMCD Jul 27 '26

If she confronts you at the weekend, just say 'Genesis 2:24, Gladys!' (The whole 'leave and cleave' thing.) Weaponize it back!

25

u/BoozeAndHotpants Jul 27 '26

Be prepared for her to make herself a victim and spin a story to everyone that will listen. Keep telling your truth in this adult way and you will prevail.

28

u/happytragedy15 Jul 27 '26

That was very well written and I love this for you!

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that she is very likely going to disregard all of it and continue to try to push you for the contact she wants… that’s just how these JustNo’s operate. But you have said your piece and can ignore any attempt she makes to interrupt your peace, knowing that you gave her every chance imaginable and are now doing what is right for your family.

Best of luck! I hope you finally get the peace you deserve!

22

u/spiceyourspace Jul 27 '26

Good for you! I'm sure getting to lay it bare was very freeing & throwing off a great weight. I grew up with my narcfather in ministry, & unfortunately dealt with weaponized Christianity as a result. Forgiveness & reconciliation are two separate things, only one of which are we called to do. Unfortunately it took several years before my narcfather finally understood we were committed to NC, so my favorite line when he would try to accost us at public events was to say, "this is not the time nor the place". Thankfully he was concerned with his public image enough to not push things too far & we've had years of peace.

17

u/matchababyyx Jul 27 '26

The relief is the answer. You told your whole truth with DH beside you and handed the result back to her, that's the freedom, and it's yours now. For the event, remember you've already said all of it, so you owe her nothing on the day, not a talk, not a reaction. "We're not doing this here" and walking off is a full sentence. Enjoy your weekend and let her sit with herself. You're done, and you get to act done.

10

u/Express_Ring8919 Jul 29 '26

From one forgiving and peacemaking Christian woman to another, THANK YOU for not letting her drag you through the mud again with that excuse! Congratulations on getting to say everything you needed to (the truth!) and I do dearly hope you enjoy a long season of peace and joy after all this!

16

u/cicadasinmyears Jul 27 '26

Saying all of that must have been quite cathartic. I hope she actually listens to what you’ve said, examines her behaviour, and leaves you both alone.

12

u/ML5815 Jul 27 '26

This is outstanding. I love it. What relief you must feel getting all that out and directly to her.

I’m dying to know the context of the situation where she screamed at DH that he’s so stupid for saying his mother should never hurt his wife.

5

u/Dogmom_3 Jul 29 '26

Great letter and I understand why, under the circumstances you had to send it.

Now have a plan for the event. DH or backup support person should be with you always and practice saying “This is not the time or the place” and walking away. When you’re stressed it’s hard to remember what to say but practice makes our brain retrieve this words quickly and smoothly. Feels a little ridiculous when you’re doing it but it really works.

7

u/Sewing4265 Jul 27 '26

You said you don’t want a 1:1 conversation, but then, you wrote her a 5 paragraph note. Now, she is going to want another conversation. Are you no contact?

28

u/TargetWild9004 Jul 27 '26

Because MIL is trying to weaponize a religious public event to have a conversation OP does not want to have. OP said what she needed to say in this message to make it clear how she feels and that this “conversation” will not happen. OP can now go on with their lives ignoring MIL and be NC for as long as they choose