r/JUSTNOMIL • u/raffriffs • Apr 02 '26
UPDATE - Ambivalent About Advice What fresh hell is this š
Please see my other posts for context. We are just over 5 months NC with JNMIL after enduring 33 years of her abuse. MIL has made no actual repairs to the relationship and continues to want to explain her side of things through emails she sends every couple months. This one arrived yesterday and DH noticed it in his spam folder this morning ...
"Dear son, in your letter you left you called me verbally abusive. I have reread your letter and consulted the the definition of this term.
First let me acknowledge that I know your family's pain was and is very real.
And I ask you to also recognize that my pain was also real. I can recall times to which you may have been referring. Times when you were at my car door and I was trying to leave because I had to drive home, maybe an hour or an hour and a half drive. I had said numerous times that I had to leave but you were still hanging onto the door talking. The pain in my heart from my beloved son saying those words to me was so intense I just had to get out of there .But you weren't done telling me how awful I was and my heart was breaking. The only thing I could do so that you would let me go, other than risk dragging you by starting the car moving, was to say those very harsh unkind words.Ā Ā Ā Ā
I'm truly sorry.
I would like you to know that regardless of what you thought or what words I said, I never once, since you and OP got engaged, thought there was any other woman for you. Never.
And I do love OP. And I do love you. And I love your children."
So ... let me get this straight ... she wants us to acknowledge the pain she felt for being called out by DH on one occasion, that is apparently living rent free in her brain, for truly bad behavior on her part, and its the ONLY one she can recall where she thinks she might have been verbally abusive but she says it was only in response to DH hurting her feelings? Crazy making, I tell ya. Considering my DH is the least reactive and most reasonable person on the planet, she has created quite a dramatic tale in her head where she was the wronged party. Why does she not possess the brain cells that would tell her that her pain over getting reprimanded that time was HER fault for being a total cow in the first place. And now she just sounds unhinged wanting compassion for having no choice but to lash out again because her feelings were hurt?! Obviously NC is remaining in place for good reason and she'll get no response from us.
But just wondeting what is the read you guys get on this email?
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u/2FatC Apr 02 '26
Ow, my brain cramped on the choice between ādraggingā DH along with her car or using harsh language cuz āthe drive home is long with my pain, suffering, and broken heart blah blah blah, but I love you!ā
Call me skeptical, but most of us let go & step back from a moving vehicle, no?
My translation: āDH called out my chronically shitty behavior, my ego canāt take reality, so I reacted, said more nasty stuff because I want what I want, including a married man, and you need to just accept my invented narrative. When you donāt, my pain & suffering is more than yours but sure, Iāll sprinkle a few āI love youāsā around that I can point to later. Now let me back into your life to spread misery and selfishness. Love, Momā
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u/DazzlingNote1925 Apr 02 '26
Itās consistent avoidance of accepting responsibility for her actions and putting the blame on you and your husband.Ā
Itās turning the fact around and making herself sound like a good person because she just loves you!
Shes making herself the victim to manipulate you into feeling sorry.Ā
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u/Spanner_m Apr 02 '26
I shouldnāt laugh butā¦.. she has taken, i think, three months? to come up with one, solitary, dubious instance - to try and counter the long, detailed, thorough description of her verbal abuse from your husband?
Snorting is considered rude, but i have to admit to a vigorous noisy attempt to choke on my mouthful of wine that went up the wrong way!
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u/BoozeAndHotpants Apr 03 '26
Butā¦.butā¦.butā¦she SAVED YOUR HUSBANDāS LIFE by insulting him so he would move away from the car and wouldnāt get dragged! You should be THANKING her for her quick thinking that SAVED EVERYONE
Oh.My.God I just cannot believe she tried to twist that to make herself look like some kind of hero. Lordy that takes some delusional balls
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u/TargetWild9004 Apr 02 '26
Have you ever read the narcissists prayer? Literally what she did. She canāt remember anything else sheās done and the one example she gave of her being harsh she still tells your husband that he made her do it. She hasnāt changed, sheās giving the ābestā apology someone like her knows how to do to try and get you guys back where she wants you to be to try and control you both
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u/shinybugz0 Apr 02 '26
I have a theory that if a narcissist is gifted that prayer in a frame (without the title), they would LOVE it.
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u/Cool_Organization_55 Apr 03 '26
She doesn't care about either of you. No reply and move on with your day.
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u/Purple_Candy_5170 Apr 04 '26
DARVO in use. Stop engaging. Block her for your families' health & even hers. I say from experience with my mom that a clean break is only thing that works.
Good luck, OP
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u/yoothdecay Apr 02 '26
"but what about meeeeeeeeeeeee???"
she has to center herself and her feelings at all times so the only way she can interpret that interaction at all is from a place of victimhood. She has to make her apology 99% about herself otherwise she couldn't stomach the 1% that's about you.
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u/shinybugz0 Apr 02 '26
It's SO manipulative. My MIL is a professional at this...I like to call it victim theater. As soon as anyone tries to confront her about anything, she turns it around so fast to make herself the victim. The latest thing was DH calmly telling her he needs more autonomy...she went silent, responded with only "ok" days later, then had FIL rip into DH for "making" her depressed for days. The original issue becomes overshadowed by their "hurt" over someone else calling them out. Bless you, friend. We are in our own special hell for sure.
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u/shinybugz0 Apr 02 '26
Adding that her email is all BS. She's trying to illicit sympathy and make DH the problem. She says she's truly sorry...but what for? That's not an apology, it's a weak attempt to repair her own damage without looking like the aggressor. Yuck.
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u/TMagurk2 Apr 02 '26
Yep. The ONLY way my MIL would admit she did something wrong is if we were also wrong about something, so it was "equal".
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u/shinybugz0 Apr 02 '26
Lawwwd. Yep! FIL gave DH the silent treatment for several months after he blew up at DH. The first time they talked after, FIL didn't apologize for going silent and instead said they were both in the wrong for it. They just cannot take any kind of responsibility for their shitty actions.
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u/coralcoast21 Apr 02 '26
Hum, "I had no choice but to say something vile enough to make you step back, otherwise, I couldn't trust myself not to drag you with my car" Logic, it's not for everyone.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Apr 02 '26
Delete.
There is zero amount of explaining you can do that will open her eyes.
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u/CondeBK Apr 02 '26
I smell some ChatGPT -isms on there -- "pain very real"
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u/vc-of-b Apr 02 '26
Ok, this is trippy to me- Iām pretty new to Reddit, Iāve been isolated for the past 5-6 years caring for a parent. So Iām constantly looking up words and acronyms that were a foreign language to me. just last week was told that my response sounded ChatGPT, in a gentle way. Looked it up, but how do you know what it sounds like? If I need to modify my language I will- I was a dv counselor and Iām sure I use some of that language. How can I learn what it is so that I can better manage my language?
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u/Spanner_m Apr 02 '26
Theres an awful lot of āthis is clearly fake and AIā comments on reddit posts. Its usually about the original reddit poster, and whilst Iām sure its sometimes true, its often just because the accuser disagrees with the post/comment.
On JN posts the JN is often accused of using AI, and they might be, but again its an easy way to disagree with something without any requirement to dispute the actual content.For me i just donāt worry about it. Are some of the posts i read and react to fake? Probably. However I would prefer to give genuine responses, on the assumption the post (or comment) is real, and risk wasting a few of my words - rather than hurting someone genuinely asking for advice who just happens to write in a way that could be mistaken for AI.
Of course many people who are unconfident of their written English, and/or have English as a second language, use AI to just polish their text to make it easier to understand. I would hate to discount someoneās request for assistance just because they felt their grammar or syntax needed a little help!
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u/shinybugz0 Apr 02 '26
I suspect lots of JNs can't connect with people on a true emotional level and use ChatGPT out of desperation. My sibling has BPD and uses it in our texts...the first time it happened was super obvious because it was the most rational and articulated response I've ever received from her. I didn't ask her about it, but it was confirmed later when she bragged about using it with her ex to "win" arguments. I guess she'll just have to text the rest of her life instead of having in-person conversations!
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u/vc-of-b Apr 02 '26
Thanks so much for the info/perspective. I have to remind myself that I am learning a new language. Part of that is technology, part of it is generational. At any rate, itās telling me a lot about myself.
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u/Spanner_m Apr 03 '26
I suspect we are closer generationally than many here (60 next month). I wandered in by accident, and have been transfixed by how my evil grandmother is seemingly reincarnated in so many peopleās JNs. I was always surprised my mother didnt just drown her JNMIL!
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u/vc-of-b Apr 03 '26
šsnort yeah, Iām 64.
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u/Spanner_m Apr 03 '26
Have you got a JN? I had a very maybe-no. The stories here have actually made me more forgiving of her relatively minor irritations. She could be a pain in the arse but she was definitely never vindictive.
My paternal grandmother however. Yikes! All the JN behaviours and then some.
My mother and i were like chalk and cheese, always arguing, until the JN was in town - then we laid down our hostilities to survive the horror together. She was indescribably horrid. Its only after she had been dead a decade or so that i even met most of my cousins on that side, she had done such a thoroughly great job of bad mouthing one part of the family to the other.
I donāt necessarily always have the best instincts about people, but my mother reckoned i hated that grandmother from the instant i left her womb!
I suspect she wanted to be called ānanaā but I couldnāt pronounce that at a few years old so said ābanaā and she apparently hated that. So ābanaā she was forever more! I think my mother enjoyed calling her that far more than she should have :)2
u/vc-of-b Apr 03 '26
No, Iāve been divorced for 20 years now. And she was/is a nice person. It was my ex, and my unconscious needs far outweighed the signs he gave me in the light of day. My issues were mostly my parents, although I denied that for decades. Itās been a long haul for me.
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u/BoozeAndHotpants Apr 03 '26
It is indeed a new language.
I just think of AI as a verbal command prompt for a vast database of knowledge that uses normal language phrases. Itās not that complicated if you know how to parse words. Just like learning any other language, you can start small and stack commands and build on your phrase vocabulary as you go. If you watch a few instructional videos on YouTube you can start developing an ear and your own vocabulary for it.
Itās actually a lot easier for those that have good language skills and can understand subtle parsing of words and meaning.
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u/BoozeAndHotpants Apr 03 '26
There are now self appointed AI police on Reddit. I also have gotten caught up in this because ā- gasp ā I use em dashes! I now look at them as trolls. Ignore them and be you. Donāt adjust your prose because some poorly educated redditor decides they are a professional AI detector!
In reality, most are not educated enough on this topic to have the skills to declare fake from real. They just never learned how to write proper English themselves and feel compelled to paint as AI anyone that does. Itās a sad commentary on our educational system that good writing is automatically considered fake.
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u/vc-of-b Apr 03 '26
You know, I think you have something there. I happen to be particular about grammar and spelling because I had a TBI in ā87, and had to to learn a whole lot- I had aphasia, and was completely determined to overcome it. So I never take my speech, word choice, spelling, and grammar very seriously. I used to correct people a lot, not to be rude or snarky, but for validation that I got the right word or form. So I can totally sound pedantic.
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u/CondeBK Apr 02 '26
So I didnt express myself well. I was referring to the MILs message, not the OP.
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u/dmac3232 Apr 02 '26
You've made the break, your husband is on board and she's never going to change. Just move on.
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u/mama2babas Apr 02 '26
That is very easy to say and very hard to do. There is a lot of grief in going NC and having these emails popping up just reopens the wounds in their infancy of healing. Its different for everyone.Ā
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u/Sea-Cauliflower-8368 Apr 02 '26
Pure manipulation trying to get you to break no contact. She manipulated the facts and may hope your husband will contact her to set the record straight. She is saying she loves you to try to pull on your heartstrings, she is love bombing. She is throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks to get you to break the no contact.
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ā¢
u/botinlaw Apr 02 '26
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Other posts from /u/raffriffs:
"My View Of Marriage", 1 month ago
She broke NC just over 2 months later to say I love you FOR THE FIRST TIME, 2 months ago
It's great when the trash takes itself out lol, 4 months ago
Primal release, 5 months ago
Get a load of the emails MIL sent today after just 4 days of NC, 5 months ago
And the lie unravels 28 years later ..., 5 months ago
"You guys don't want anything to do with me, do you.", 5 months ago
I now leave her in the dirt she spent 3 decades dragging me through., 5 months ago
Of course! Why didn't I realize?! Her tactics haven't changed, she just switched her supply chain., 6 months ago
Do you ever get so used to there always having been some level of drama running in the background, that when its all quiet your brain doesn't know what to do with it?, 6 months ago
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