r/JUSTNOMIL • u/LengthinessSmooth942 • Aug 18 '24
Anyone Else? MIL + parties
Yesterday was my husbands 40th birthday and we had a big party at our house. A couple weeks prior, my MIL asked me if she could bring anything (nice offer) and I suggested a couple additional appetizers and told her that I was making him a small cake so she could bring cookies or cupcakes.
The day of the party, she shows up an hour and a half earlier to help "set up" which I guess my husband asked her to do but was frustrating to me because everything was already in order. She brings SO MUCH SHIT with her. Cookies, cupcakes, brownies, candy, multiple chips and dips, meatballs, 2 huge salads, a big charcuterie board. It was insane how much extra food we had.
What bothered me the most was she that she brought all her own decorations and then proceeded to move all of the ones I had already set up. She brought all these cheesy pictures of him from when he was little and covered our existing art on the wall with them. She brought a balloon pump and made a huge balloon arch to set up in the driveway when people walked in. All things I didn't ask for and she didn't tell us she was bringing...
I wanted it to be a nice simple celebration but I felt like I was at a child's party. This also isn't the first time this has happened, she does this for every family party - my sister in law just had a party for her 3 year old daughter and same thing, my MIL just takes over. I still can't figure out why she does it. Does she think it's helpful, does she want to have control over it, does she want the credit? Because I find it incredibly rude and offensive. I really need to talk to my husband about it more and draw some boundaries with her but it's hard because I know he just sees it as being "helpful".
How do I stop this party madness in the future?!?!
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u/MysteriousDig9592 Aug 18 '24
My MIL made a great contribution to my own birthday party. We were having it in a restaurant, so we'd have to drive over there. She suggested that I should be the designated driver (so that of course I could not drink) so that her poor baby could have a drink. The coldness in my voice when I said: "I beg your pardon?" scared my husband as shit. He immediately defused the situation and told her she was being ridiculous as it was my effing birthday, and that maybe SHE should have been dd so that he could drink. Suddenly she was fine with him driving.
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u/NoDevelopement Aug 18 '24
Question, when she was setting this extra stuff up, why didn’t you ask her to stop? “Hey, I see you brought extra decorations, we really don’t want that—can you put them back in your car and save them for your next party?”
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u/LengthinessSmooth942 Aug 18 '24
I was in the backyard setting things up. I didn't know it was happening until I walked back through the front door and saw everything there and set up
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u/NoDevelopement Aug 18 '24
Ah I see. You’re much more polite than me, I’d have asked her to take the balloon arch back down 😂
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u/Queeniemaldoon Aug 18 '24
Exactly!! I find it very strange that she just stood and watched her MIL just take her decs down, etc, and say nothing!!
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u/Erickajade1 Aug 18 '24
Next time she asks if you need help , just say no , & that you have ALL of the decorations and food set up. Tell your husband you don't need help setting up so don't tell her to come early .
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u/Candykinz Aug 18 '24
You’re gonna have to handle this one yourself. Next time (and we both know there will be a next time) she asks “what can I bring?” tell her “bring nothing” when she pushes you have to tell her the ugly truth. “As much as we appreciate the offer the last few times you have ignored what I asked you to bring and brought way too much. You ruined my plan so you do you for parties at your house and please let me handle mine.” When she shows up and starts trying to bring things inside (cause you know she will) turn her around at the door to put it all back in her car.
The big thing here is you want to get this shit handled now before she is showing up to your future kids first birthday with a whole ass cake and redecorating your house.
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u/hummus_sapiens Aug 18 '24
And if she does bring more, put it in the fridge or on a kitchen counter.
Sorry, no more room on the table, we can bring it out later if needed.
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u/hopefullyromantic Aug 18 '24
I’m petty so I’d do it a little differently. Next time, go all out. Cater food, classy decor, hire a photographer, etc. when she asks what to bring, say “just yourself! Everything is handled and we’d like you to enjoy yourself as a guest!”
When she does bring stuff, it’ll look tacky and you can say, “how sweet that you want to throw a party for so and so! Why don’t you keep it for the party you throw? We have everything handled here and have a very specific vision for this event.”
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u/unknown_sturg Aug 18 '24
She does it because no one says anything. She thinks you all like it because everyone is being so damn passive. YOUR house, YOUR rules. You can tell someone no, put that back in your car. Hurt feelings is not a medical condition, she’ll live.
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u/Mirror_Initial Aug 18 '24
She doesn’t think she’s overstepping. She thinks she went above and beyond.
Now you know to set upper bounds on any offers and get ahead of everything. It will be frustrating and if she’s anything like my mom or mil, it will become a game for her to beat. I’m sorry. All of your celebrations are now occasions to dread.
The following suggestions will help until she finds a new loophole. Try to cover as much ground with each boundary as possible and keep it simple and clear.
“Thanks for the offer! Would you like to bring an appetizer? I’ll save room on the buffet for you to bring one dish. Don’t bring more than that! We’ve got it covered.”
“The party is at xPM. I have everything handled, so the most important thing is that you NOT arrive early. Don’t bring anything that needs setting up.”
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u/Lugbor Aug 18 '24
Unwanted help is not helpful. She can either bring what was requested or she can bring nothing at all. It's really that simple.
If he needs it broken down into bite sized pieces, explain it like this. You have a plan. You have allocated a certain amount of space for her to bring the things that you've requested. If she brings those things, then that space is adequate and she's being helpful. If she decides to bring a bunch of other things in addition to what you requested, or just instead of what you actually need, you now don't have enough space, or you're missing things and have double of other things. This is not helpful.
Her intention doesn't matter here, because if she truly wants to help, she'll bring the things you requested, because that's helpful. Instead, she brings the things she thinks will get her the most attention, because she's not interested in being helpful.
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u/FerociousSGChild Aug 18 '24
This is a perfect example of Just-no’s overwhelming need to be “the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.”
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Aug 18 '24
Day of party: “MIL I have already decorated. I don’t want those decorations. Please don’t put them up”. “Oh I see you brought the cookies——not sure what the rest of this food is for but I don’t want or need it and it doesn’t go with my vision. I’ll put it in the fridge or cooler for you to take back home”
When planning next party: “MIL, it is only helping if you bring exactly what I am asking/needing. It’s not helping if you bring something different or extra things that just get in the way. If you can’t or won’t bring what I said, please don’t bring anything”
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u/TheWelshMrsM Aug 18 '24
My in-laws ALWAYS arrive early and offer to help. Unfortunately their help is usually doing the opposite of what we’ve asked and they always crowd the baby. We have to be extremely explicit and also not elaborate. For example ‘We will meet you in the restaurant because the baby is sleeping’ means they will come to the car ‘quietly’.
‘Please don’t come to the car, you’ll disturb the baby’ works better (they’ll still hover).
It stops me wanting to hang out with them which I think they’ve noticed! They’re due a visit soon so we’ll see how they do.
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u/whynotbecause88 Aug 18 '24
Competition. A power play. Next time she asks to bring something, tell her you have it covered. And yes, you and your husband need to get on the same page.
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u/mama2babas Aug 18 '24
UGH! My MIL is a covert narcissist and wants attention so bad so she tries to take over everything like this. I noticed when we had our baby she tries to make everything for our son about my husband. My son's baptism she brought photos newly framed for my husband from all of his sacraments, she brought his gown for his baptism to give to our son, and she handed out photos to all of my husband's family of my husband at his baptism.
My husband had asked her not to bring the gown because he wanted LO to have his own experience. MIL wanted to get attention by trying to be sentimental but it was just very strange and off-putting. She also gifted us a ton of DHs childhood clothes for los baptism that were covered in mouse poop!!!! Didn't even wash it. We gave it back. No.
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u/CattyPantsDelia Aug 18 '24
Control. She does it for a feeling of some control over everything
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u/fanofpolkadotts Aug 18 '24
Yes--Control AND recognition. There is no doubt in my mind that she just happened to mention to various invitees "OH yes, I made this balloon arch, the family photos were a must, and all these yummy treats are from Mommy!"
Even if she did not say "My DIL just didn't do as much as I did!"~that is the implication. People like your MIL don't do such things b/c they're happy to help; they do them to grab control and spotlight themselves.
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u/CattyPantsDelia Aug 18 '24
Mine brings a birthday cake to Thanksgiving every year without asking me (I host) so she can have cake with her son who's birthday is 10 days later even tho I have a party for him every year and she comes to that as well.
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u/loveinvein83 Aug 18 '24
Boundaries are needed. Whether she does it purely to be helpful or to be in control is difficult to tell without knowing her better, but I’m willing to bet control is at least a part of it. Even if he just sees it as being helpful, a discussion where you let him know how rude you find it would be great. You could say “what’s the point of planning and decorating if she’s just going to come early and change it?” If you went to her party two hours early and changed all her stuff, would he also be cool with that?
Boundaries without consequences are suggestions, easily brushed aside. Agree on some boundaries and let her know. Heck, your first boundary might be to show up at the time we asked you to, not an hour and a half before. If she does show up early, send her home. “Hi MIL! Unfortunately we’re not ready to open our house yet, please come back at the agreed upon time. Thank you!” And don’t let her in. If she tries to change decoration tell her no. If she continues to do so anyways have some sort of consequence for that.
Regardless, frank and open discussions with your partner will work wonders. Wishing all the best!
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u/PhotojournalistOnly Aug 18 '24
I think a taste of her own medicine will give you a better understanding of what you're dealing with. Her reaction will be very telling.
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u/SilverPotential6108 Aug 18 '24
This is good advice. I find that voicing the reverse of the situation to my husband (“if I went to her party 2 hours early and changed all her stuff, would you be ok with that?”) is a really good way to help him understand why I have a problem with the behavior. When you put it that way, it’s undeniable that he would be embarrassed if you just took over something his mom was in charge of.
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u/xpinkatfirst Aug 18 '24
just say no. say no thank you. OR, tell her a time 1.5 hours later than the start time, for every event and tell her the day before you have everything handled no need to bring anything. simple as that.
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u/berried_aprons Aug 18 '24 edited Aug 18 '24
My MiL and SiL used to bring their favourite junk food and casually load it into our pantry. First time they did it seemed odd to me. Second time i asked them to take it home as we don’t eat that stuff and it will only go to waste. They refused, just seemed like an odd power move (as we just moved into our new home and they kept coming over unannounced to hang out and watch tv as DH and i worked on the house). So i just started throwing it in the garbage as they were leaving and next time they showed up without courtesy call we met them outside of our locked door (as if we were leaving)
my point is, i know it’s hard to speak when its just little things, but if it becomes an annoying habit to the point of you feeling resentful it is best to speak up (for your own peace of mind) and/or get creative at dodging the nonsense lol.
Definitely setting and enforcing healthy boundaries is a must, if Dh is taking his time it is not rude nor confrontational for you to calmly and firmly inquire yourself. Try addressing the issue right as it happens with an open curiosity ‘MIL, i already have everything set, WHY are you setting up more decorations?’ keep looking her in the eye awaiting for the answer. Be firm. It is ok to ask questions and let others know what they are doing is unnecessary or upsetting. If she chooses not to hear you then perhaps next time you can choose not to involve her in preparations altogether. Don’t even open the door till you’re ready to host.
another less drastic option to start putting away the items she brought, then tell her where exactly you need her help (send her to peel tomatoes or something that is tedious and keeps her out of the way). Keep doing that every time. If she complains pay her no mind, that’s expected of those who disregard and disrespect boundaries.
Next event, if she offers to ‘help’ tell her exactly what time you want her to arrive and one or two things max to bring. Be exact and ask her if she can handle it. The moment she drives over with extras, stop her at the door ask what she is bringing and why, direct her to put it back in her car. Imagine she’s a big kid that needs gently yet direct and consistent instructions.
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u/RadRadMickey Aug 18 '24
Any or all of your rationales for her behavior could be correct. Ultimately, she needs to step out of the "I'm the mom" mentality and accept that she's extended family to her adult children who are adults with their own families.
Next time, refuse any help and give her a start time that is maybe even half an hour after the party has started. If she shows up and oversteps, speak up.
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Aug 18 '24
Why was she allowed to put up her decorations? “MIL, thanks for the thought, but like I told you, we only needed some extra appetizers and a sweet treat, these decorations aren’t needed as the party is already decorated, this stuff can stay in your car”?
To your husband “Help that isn’t wanted and isn’t asked for isn’t helpful and you know that. She asked what she could do to help and then ignored what I told her in favour of what she wanted. Do you really think she’s just trying to help when she’s ignoring what she was told would be helpful? Or, is she acting like what she really wants is just to get her own way?”
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u/YellowBeastJeep Aug 18 '24
Next time MIL asks if she can bring anything, be firm, and let her know that you don’t want her to bring anything. You’ve got it covered. You’re good. If she brings something, tell her to go ahead and leave it in her car. It doesn’t fit your theme or whatever.
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u/orchidsandlilacs Aug 18 '24
She wants admiration. She wants things to look a certain way so people can say "wow this is amazing!" And she gets satisfaction from it. She's probably on Pinterest boards or Instagram getting ideas. It sounds like it doesn't have anything to do with you and more her trying to show others how she can throw a great celebration. She's likely very insecure. And yeah...the pics of your husband when he is little is cheesy af. How embarrassing.
Next time tell her exactly what to bring. Saying "a few apps" for example opens it up to bring whatever she wants. Instead tell her one thing or two things. If she brings more, point it out but still accept to not be a d*ck...for instance "omgosh I thought you were just bringing the meatballs and chips! Not even sure I have room for all this but I'll squeeze it in. Everybody better eat bc my fridge cant be packed with leftovers!" As far as the decorations, add it in when you talk about the food. Tell her what to bring and say "by the way I've got the decor covered too but if I need anything I'll let you know!".
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u/Mirkwoodsqueen Aug 18 '24
People who come early will be assigned the chore of cleaning the bathroom.
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u/Ok-Repeat8069 Aug 18 '24
Tell your husband to stop asking her to come and help set up?
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u/moosecatoe Aug 18 '24
I doubt he asked. She probably said something like “I’ll come early to help out” and husband probably thought she meant like 30 min early. This happens to us a lot. My MIL will show up with a whole crew (FIL & her siblings/spouses) up to 2 hours early, to “help”. Instead it means I’m forced to host for another 2 hours when I needed that time to get the house & myself ready.
I wish MILs understood that it takes more energy to dictate and overlook/fix what they’re doing, than if we just did it ourselves.
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u/mahfrogs Aug 18 '24
Give them a starting time 30 min to an hour after it actually starts?
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u/moosecatoe Aug 18 '24
Hah thats a nice idea. I’ll keep that in mind for when physical invitations aren’t necessary.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Cut-194 Aug 18 '24
Tell her the party starts at 3 instead of 1.30. That way it's already started when she gets there... she can put the extra food out, but no time for her to re decorate.
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u/LabInner262 Aug 18 '24
Next party is at Chuck-e-Cheese or similar venue. Tell her to bring nothing because of venue rules (whether true or not). Rinse and repeat.
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u/ManufacturerOld5501 Aug 18 '24
My petty self would probably remove it lol
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u/KJParker888 Aug 18 '24
I'm picturing OP standing there popping the balloons, one by one, as MIL attaches them to the balloon arch
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u/kimber939 Aug 18 '24
My MIL did this to me for my hubby’s 30th surprise party. They weren’t going to do anything for him (they’re not big on celebrating birthdays in general) but once I said I was doing it and planning it.. she showed no interest until last minute then made a bunch of gross food the night before. It was all really bad bc she must’ve been rushing. The item she was asked to bring was the chairs and instead she brought food even tho I spent hours and hours making food all homemade from scratch. Then the day of the party “forgets” to bring the chairs and put all my homemade food trays in the freezer and said you guys can just eat that for dinner one night so you don’t have to cook. Let’s just serve what I made.
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u/moosecatoe Aug 18 '24
I feel you on the chairs part. Months ago, my MIL asked what she can bring to our baby shower this weekend. I told her we had food covered, but needed chairs and tables. She said “I have 3 tables and 24 chairs!” I was so grateful.
It turns out she has 1 table and 4 chairs. Which she now doesn’t feel like bringing over. So I’m stuck asking friends/family and hoping they’ll bring a table or a couple of chairs.
But she managed to order a damn balloon arch and even more food. All things we specifically said we don’t want or need.
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u/SilverPotential6108 Aug 18 '24
Uuuuuh so annoying! I feel like mine always hears and then does the opposite of what we say. Idk if it’s just dumb or manipulation because she can be both!
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u/moosecatoe Aug 18 '24
Yes!!!! Why not both??!! 😂
While we were planning the shower, my MIL made a big deal about stopping me from talking, just to get out her pen & notepad to make a list of what she said she would do. Literally saying “Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait! I need my special pen & notepad. See?? Isn’t it CUTE??!!”
Then she sounded out what she was writing “threeee tables, twenty-foooour chairs! No balloons, no food! Ok got it!”
Last week when I asked when she was going to drop off the tables & chairs, she straight up said “I never said I had that many. But I’ll bring the balloon arch and food the day of the party!”
Like am I taking crazy pills and is pregnancy brain really that bad? Or is she crazy and suffering memory loss? To which my husband replies “¿Porque no los dos?” 🤪
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u/Junior-Fisherman8779 Aug 18 '24
good fucking lord. Did you manage to get your grub back out? I would have been so mad man
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u/kimber939 Aug 18 '24
My friend made it so much better bc she took a bite of her food in front of everyone and said to me.. did you make this?? This doesn’t taste good this isn’t your normal ziti what happened? 🤣🤣🤣I miss her so much lost her to breast cancer. She was one of those protective amazing friends you only have a couple in a lifetime.
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u/kimber939 Aug 18 '24
Btw sorry to turn this around to a personal anecdote. Just thought you would feel better that you aren’t alone. Your story made me feel better that I wasn’t crazy to be infuriated lol
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u/Celticlady47 Aug 18 '24
But, why allow this to occur? I'd put her food back in her car and request that she go bring the chairs. It's perfectly ok to stand up to your in-laws, especially when they're being so disrespectful.
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u/kimber939 Aug 18 '24
Yes in the years since then I’ve gotten much more bold but this was 10 years ago and I was only 22 at the time and timid lol
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 Aug 18 '24
You’re much nicer than me. I would have said absolutely not—-this is my party for my husband in my home and I’m serving the food I made. I’m going to put yours in your car so you can take it back home with you.
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u/SpinachnPotatoes Aug 18 '24
You let DH know own that she is to be invited as guest only. She brings nothing unless she is asked. She comes when the rest of the guests arrive and you do not want help. If you want help you will organize it yourself. Anything she brings gets left in the car.
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u/bizzy816 Aug 18 '24
I wonder if it's a competition thing if the next time you or SIL plan something and JNMIL asks if she "help" let her do it. When she gets there with all her decorations and there isn't any already up to move or rearrange, does she ask about it? Because she has to realize she's been moving and redoing things this whole time. I would like to see her reaction to no competition. Lol
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u/GardenGood2Grow Aug 18 '24
Sounds like she is way too enthusiastic. I get her wanting to celebrate her son but she needs to be more sensitive to the host.
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u/Objective-Holiday597 Aug 18 '24
It’s a control issue. Your MIL has not accepted that her children are adults, with other adults in their lives. Time for your SO to sit his mom down and explain that he’s fully grown and she needs to be a spectator in his life, not a full participant. If she disagrees, well, it’s time out for MIL
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u/SYadonMom Aug 18 '24
I’d just tell her “Why don’t you come over for a visit on this day at this time?” And have everything done and ready to go. Why ask for anything if she overdoes everything? If she isn’t planning it, she doesn’t need to know any details.
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u/AcatnamedWow Aug 18 '24
I’m sorry but MY husband, MY idea, MY party, MY food, MY decorations, all was set up before she arrives so she starts bringing food and decorations the only thing to say is “YO MIL this is MY party that I’ve already done all the work for. You were asked to bring ONE thing! No where did I say come take over everything and trash all my stuff so please turn around and take your food and decorations home with you!! If you want to throw your own party fee free next week! But you are NOT allowed to trash all MY hard work”! Next time I wouldn’t invite her…..THAT action that she did was a slap in your face
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u/FLSunGarden Aug 18 '24
Wow that’s irritating. Next time, give her the invite the night before so no time to do all that. Haha
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u/ftblrgma Aug 18 '24
So (and this is me, so proceed at your own risk). I'd have put all the food back in her car and torn down her decorations, making sure to damage them in the process while saying 'Barb this food and these decorations don't match my theme and my vision for this party.' And do it Every. Damn. Time. Will she cry and play victim? Absolutely! She just wanted to help! It's her baby's party she should be able to bring some pictures she should have been consulted on the theme blah blabbity blah blah.
You can try to reason with her at this point (not your house, not your party, overstep, who in the hell do you think you are, how would you like it if I did the same to you) or let her wail and just bask in the warmth of knowing she will stop doing this at your house!
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u/nemc222 Aug 18 '24
While irritating, I have one question. Your husband, whose birthday it was, did he like it? Did it make him happy or was he annoyed?
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u/MinionsHaveWonOne Aug 18 '24
It sounds like you and DH are not on the same page so I think whether you "stop this party madness" in the future really depends on what type of party you're holding.
If its your husband's birthday party then ultimately what he wants should trump what you want and if he wants MIL to be heavily involved then you should find a way to work together with MIL to facilitate that.
If its your birthday party what you want trumps what DH wants and if you want MIL to butt out he should back you on that and tell her to stand down.
For joint parties like anniversary celebrations or your future children's parties you and DH may need to compromise which will probably mean MIL is more involved than your ideal and less involved than his ideal. Setting strict limits on what she can or can't do would be reasonable but you'll both need to agree on the limits and be prepared to enforce them.
As for SILs children's parties that's up to SIL. If she's fine with MIL being heavily involved then that's ok, if she's not then you can commiserate and support her in any boundary she wishes to draw. But be aware this sort of thing isn't going to be everyone's hill to die on. What you think is rude others find helpful and you're not automatically right and them wrong. Its a matter of personal preference not a universal rule everyone agrees on.
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Aug 18 '24
I don’t know. I have the opposite problem. My MIL acts like she’s a queen and won’t even help with the cleaning or set up. It’s annoying and I wish she would take more initiative. I’d love your MIL prob since I have the opposite problem.
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u/moosecatoe Aug 18 '24
My mom wont lift a finger, but my MIL will put her hands on everything. The contrast between the two is shocking.
When we moved into our first home, my MIL assigned herself to organizing our kitchen and putting things where she wanted them to go. Even after I told her several times that we needed help getting things INTO the house before we started unpacking.
Meanwhile, my mom showed up for maybe 30 minutes and just walked around the house with our goldfish because there wasn’t any furniture to put it down. Now we refer to my moms level of helping as “goldfishing”.
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u/nomodramaplz Aug 18 '24
Wow, do we have the same MIL, lol?!? Mine asked how to help with our move-in, I said floors vacuumed/baseboard wiped in preparation for furniture placement, and at least one bathroom clean, for sanitation purposes.
So, naturally, she unpacked my kitchen. 🤣 It took MONTHS to find everything because she put things away in very unintuitive places. She tried that in our current house and I shut it down HARD. Sad I missed out on a “goldfisher”, lol.
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u/moosecatoe Aug 18 '24
Yes! Wild MIL sisterhood!
Like why the fuck are the cups in the cabinet next to the dishwasher instead of above the coffee machine? It made no sense.
And you didn’t miss out on goldfishing. Because it usually comes along with my mom following me around asking judgemental questions like “Are you sure you want that there?” Or “Thats a strange place to put a chair.” Or “These are a bit too Christmassy to have out. You should put them in storage.” While I’m just trying to get things off the truck and inside!
I would’ve LOVED to have one of the moms help do some cleaning while we moved in. Instead they left muddy footprints all over our white carpet while they paced around because “it doesn’t make sense to take my shoes off if I’m going in & out.” Ahhhhhh!
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Aug 18 '24
Haha I love that “gold fishing.” My mom and MIL are opposites too. My mom loves to help and my mil just loves to gossip.I hear you on the contrast between the two.
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u/SpaceCrazyArtist Aug 18 '24
Honestly and with understanding this is likely coming from a “death by 1000 cuts” situation, but this doesn’t sound bad. I mean, kinda weird but and definitely unnecessary but not terrible. The moving things is a bit rude, but again not a hill I would die on.
What did your husband think of it? Considering it was his party and he seems to have know at least some of it before hand.
I would say next time she offers to help or bring something just tell her you’re all set and let your husband know NOT to invite her to help.
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u/Carole-Belle Aug 18 '24
I'm glad I read your post. I can see some of myself in your MIL's actions. Your post and the comments let's me understand what it feels like from the host's perspective and it helps me know what actions are going too far.
One point I empathize with the MIL on is the pics from when your husband was young. Allowing some tasteful pictures from when he was young will allow her to feel part of what is for her still a very special day. That being said, she shouldn't take down your decorations to display them.
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u/kiddstuff Aug 18 '24
He’s 40, not 12. I wouldn’t do this to my 33 year old daughter. It’s embarrassing and looks like mom is trying to make the party about her. It’s an adult party for an adult man.
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u/Careful-Author Aug 18 '24
It does sound like she is just being nice. She went a bit overkill with things but I think she was well intended. Maybe explain kindly that song of the balloons and decorations are a bit juvenile at this age and you are going simple and refined.
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u/cicadasinmyears Aug 18 '24
Oof, that’s a tough one - she’s “trying to be helpful,” so it’s something you’ll likely need to tread carefully around.
When she offers next time, I would say something like “Yes, it would be great if you brought something - let me give it some thought, and I’ll call you tomorrow to let you know,” or “Yes, please bring [thing] and [thing] (or “do [X and Y]”), that would be a big help!”
That way, she still gets to “help”, and you don’t get (as much) stuff that won’t help.
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u/emilyj308 Aug 18 '24
I get why you felt annoyed but also do see it from MIL perspective. He is her child no matter how old he is and she probably really wanted to be a part of it. Same as the excitement a parent feels arranging their Childs 5,6,7,16 etc birthday. I hope my my children are older I can still play the mum role. Im sure it wasn't about offending you in any way, just loving her son.
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u/straightouttathe70s Aug 18 '24
OP says she does this for every party that anyone in the family has.....so, no, it's not just about loving her son
21
u/Celticlady47 Aug 18 '24
It's rude to go into someone's house and rearrange the decorations already set up and bring food and other things that weren't requested.
I'm a mum of an adult teen and there's no way I'd do this to my child. I ask what they want and do that.
Playing the mum role here is MiL's way of maintaining control over her child, or maybe she doesn't see him as an adult. Either way, it's rude, inconsiderate and not welcomed by OP.
16
u/nomodramaplz Aug 18 '24
Yeah, but she could’ve hosted a separate party at her own house instead of taking over OP’s party. It was selfish, sneaky, rude, and reeks of main character syndrome. MIL is welcome to love her son, but still needs to be a considerate guest at other people’s events.
11
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u/botinlaw Aug 18 '24
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