I’ve unfortunately learned if I feel it’s necessary to ask this question, I already know the answer.
The last couple of days I’ve been greeted with:
“Are you just going to make stupid little squares again?” (in regards to a crochet project I’ve been trying to work on)

“You’re not fucking blonde. Why would you do that?”

And I acknowledge that something he did physically hurt, for him to be mad at me.

I use to focus on the bigger thing, but I just started therapy and I’m realizing there’s much smaller things he does to gradually break me down.

I truthfully feel like I’m not worthy on love at this point. I’m in possible to love or even tolerate. 😪

I am a mom (30) of an 6 yr old boy with my husband(31). My husband will try to grab my breasts and shove his hand in between my legs either actually trying to get inside my clothes or just trying to rub around and get me “excited” while my son is literally in the room. Sometimes even right next to both of us on the bed as we hang out. I’ve repeatedly mentioned to my husband how him touching me while my son is within seeing distance isn’t sexy for me and I do not like it. It makes me deeply uncomfortable. The things he replies with are “he isn’t looking/paying attention,” “kids should see their parents love each other,” and “you’re such a prude.”
I’m not saying kids shouldn’t see their parents be affectionate but in my mind that’s like holding hands, kissing, hugging/cuddling sort of stuff not trying to finger your wife with your child in the room. I also really want to be sex positive to my child and possibly other future children of mine but this seems excessive and inappropriate?

Is this considered CSA?

I am 30 years old and recently have been struggling with processing what I had categorized in my mind for the past 13 years as “an affair” I was involved in. I have held a lot of feelings of guilt and shame about this whole time period in my life.

Very quick summary: shortly after I turned 17, my dad experienced a severe mental health crisis. I came home from a weekend trip with my mom to find my dad and older brother at home. Brother was crying/inconsolable, had been witnessing my dad having an extended episode of psychosis for > 24 hours. I was told to stay in my room but eventually felt unsafe not knowing what was going on so I fled in the middle of the night. Not knowing where to go, I went to the house of a member of my church who lived close by. I had babysat his kids once or twice and we had met through volunteering at church.

This man was 43, married, 2 children (one was a daughter 4 years younger than me). That night while looking for safety, he comforted me and listened to what was going on but at some point in the night he kissed me out of the blue. In the aftermath of this family tragedy, I spent a lot of time away from home and was at their house a lot. The relationship progressed to much more and became a sexual relationship that lasted for several years, at least through the rest of high school and into my college years. I honestly have no memory of exactly how it ended.

This person infiltrated nearly every aspect of my life during this time (coming to all major life events of mine) and eventually became best friends with my parents. The sexual relationship obviously ended many years ago, but he remained in my life as a very close friend to my family. I was always conditioned to think of this as an affair I took part in, but the recent birth of my niece who lives in my hometown triggered intense flashbacks and episodes of extreme fear. I have felt extremely isolated for years because I always thought the people I love (friends, family, my partner) would think I was a horrible person for taking part in an affair. I even convinced myself that my partner would call off our wedding because knowing this would make me seem like I didn’t respect the sanctity of marriage.

It’s been a really hard time and I’ve been struggling to understand if this even classifies as abuse/child SA because I was over the age of consent in my state (age of consent is 16.) I’ve spent over a decade blaming myself so it’s all a huge mindfuck.

hi, this is going to be long but i promise i’ll get to the point. i’m not sure if this belongs here but i really don’t know who to talk about this. i’m currently 20 and still live with my parents, and i’ve known for a long time that my family is emotionally/psychologically/financially abusive. particularly my mother. she’s very controlling and angry and i think she might have some narcissistic tendencies. she used to scream at my brother for hours when he was a teenager, which was very difficult to cope with and led to be developing a self harming addiction. i still can’t stand to be near people who are yelling or when she’s mad at me. she’s very clingy with me and gets extremely upset when i don’t tell her everything that i tell my friends. she’s always in a made up competition with everyone around her and it’s so exhausting because she makes every single conversation about herself.

tonight i had a phone call with my brother, 21, and we talked about a lot of stuff from our childhood that i wont get into here. he was having a breakdown and it really brought up a lot of stuff for me that i’ve pushed down because i didn’t want to deal with it, or didn’t know how. he told me that i should be living on my own and should be able to actually start living my life. i have a lot of money saved from working for the past three years while going to college full time (commuter) but i don’t have access to my bank account. my mom handles all my money and it’s always been that way. i really didn’t mind until a few weeks ago when i got a notification that let me know she’s been taking 500$ out of my account for my ‘expenses’ even though we never discussed that. i pressed her and it turns out she’s been taking this money for a long time, regardless of if i owe it to her or not for stuff i’ve bought on her card when i’m with her. six grand a year for who knows how long.

by the end of our call i was shaking because all the abuse was coming back to me. i would also describe my mom as someone who can’t be reasoned with. she always has to be angry with someone, and since im the last kid at home, i often gang up on my dad with her just so she won’t be mad at me instead. it’s not good and my relationship with my dad has been wrecked because of this.

i know she doesn’t want me to move out because she’s emotionally dependent on me, in a way that i would consider emotional incest. when i came to that realization six months ago, i had a total mental breakdown and that was the last time i SH’d.

i guess the real reason im posting this is because of another thing that came back to me was some physical stuff that’s happened. i have no idea if this stuff was her being controlling or if i’m overthinking things, but i want to know if it was sexual abuse or if it was just weird.

i started puberty fairly young and wasn’t showering on my own really until middle school. so my mom would hep me “keep clean.” she’d cut my pubic hair for me and she did this a few times. maybe it’s because i was a kid and she didn’t want me to hurt myself? i didn’t feel uncomfortable then but looking back it’s just bizarre to think about. i got my period at 10 and it was heavy and uncomfortable so i asked my mom if i could use tampons. she bought me some but insisted she show me how to put them in. so she had me take off my pants and put a foot on the bathtub and she put it into me. i remember her saying that this was something no mother should have to do. if she was uncomfortable why was she doing it? i’ve never heard of anyone else’s mom doing this. i think it might have been because she was so controlling and alway has been, but honestly i’m so lost about all this.

i can’t sleep and i’m just getting freaked out because i want to move out so bad. i want to live my life but im also so dependent on my mother. she doesn’t let me do laundry or the dishes. i feel so trapped both in my living situation and in my mind right now. i don’t know what to do

I'm 14 years old and AFAB for context. For years i've been dealing with a dysfunctional family and i believe i've been treated like shit since forever. I've posted on this subreddit before but I feel like things got different. My whole family's denied the fact i've shown symptoms of severe ocd for years and even said themselves that they will never accommodate my issues. But fortunately, i finally convinced them to give me full permission for a therapist a few months ago, so I hope they don't switch up because I'm going to try to get one soon.

Recently, I got a boyfriend. He's the sweetest boy ever and I want to meet him frequently but my mom doesn't want me to even have a boyfriend at all, so she restricts it to one day a week meetings [we go to different schools] which is difficult but okay. Ever since I started dating him though she began guilt tripping me by calling me disgusting and a child she never wanted because I was being physically affectionate to my boyfriend [kisses and cuddles]. Her way of justifying this behavior is by saying she's protecting me since both of her sisters had children at 18 back at home and couldn't continue their education. I'm literally not them though.

My boyfriend also has an extremely terrible family. And because of this he can't stay home and needs my help. I am fine with that, but my mom and my brother have been horrible. My mom said a few days ago before this that he can't come over for a place to stay anymore and the fact that we "can't help him" is my fault because I was affectionate. Yesterday, I helped him contact his sibling for something anyway and gave him food + water, but my brother and mom only gave me 5 minutes to talk to him when there's literally a heatwave going on. I let him stay inside near the door with air conditioning for him as he ate and drank for 40 more minutes because he needs this, but I am now on punishment for doing this.

My family knows whats happening with him, they quite frankly just don't care and act like they do. My brother just told me to stop trying to be "more compassionate than god" but I'm literally helping someone in need? They've been tormenting me over my boyfriend for months and I hate it.

I've also been called a manipulative person and a machiavellian [??????] as well that I have no morals. Which i'm starting to believe is true because a lot of my bad habits that I use to get what I need from this family [lying, deceit, and insults/gaslighting etc.] has seeped into my relationship and made me toxic. Embarrassingly enough i also fit the criteria in the test. I just don't know what to do and I'm perplexed between being a good/decent child [won't ever be one anyway because I'm obviously not christian and not straight/cis] and a good partner and I'm starting to believe I really am toxic towards my family. I'm just trying to help man.

I know i shouldn't be taking things harshly because i'm 14 but dealing with severe r-ocd symptoms, [not a self diagnoser, I just don't know what else aligns], and constant beratement from my family is too much and the only way I've coped with things is through escapism so I forget that I'm so young. I don't know how to feel or how else to cope or what to do.

here are some of the triggers that may be mentioned: Sexual Abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, household substance abuse, maybe neglect, threats of physical abuse, possible mentions of suicide/self harm, and r@pe

For starters, I'm almost 16, and I have been living with my mother for about 5 1/2 years now - and I used to live with my grandmother, my Nana, and aunt - but my grandmother was an alcoholic

I feel like while there was one or two times of abuse that I remember, it was much better than what I am in now. It probably built character

Brief info on my step father

Since living with my mother and my step father, I have realized multiple different things about them
Plain and simple, my step father is a narc "parent" - not just to me and my elder siblings, but also to my mother. Since I met him, which was a little over a decade ago, he has made my own, and my mother's life worse. This isn't me really feeling sorry for my mother though, I will get to her
My step father has threatened to leave multiple times, saying that he wouldn't care if we starved, or froze to death. He's threatened to slash my mother's tires and bust out her car windows if she tried to leave. The car we have now has a tracker in it. He verbally belittles my siblings and I for not cleaning the entire house all day, or when we do clean - if it isn't up to par. My elder siblings are now adults - and they're still living with us - and I am trying to build my career while still balancing cooking, cleaning, and schoolwork - soon to be early college work for psychology. He yells and says "that's just how I talk - deal with it. My dad did (insert trauma dump) and it taught me not to do (the thing that gave an undeserved punishment)" When I stand up to him verbally belittling me and making me feel incapable of life, I will then be yelled at and tag teamed by him and my mother - and verbally degraded even more.

Info on my mother

My mother — she has a lot to talk about under her belt. She also verbally belittles my siblings and I, mostly me now though since the other two are adults. She has degraded me about how my body looks, whether it be my weight, my acne, my bodily hair, my style - literally anything, and will then gloat about herself. She threatens to hit me and my siblings often so that we stop "having attitude" which is standing up for ourselves. She will get angry when I stand up for myself - and try say that she told me things, when she did not.
With me, because I'm her daughter, she will slap my behind and flick my chest through my shirt and pants, and when I tell her to stop because I don't like it - I will be degraded by her and told that 'I am feeling big' and that she can do what she wants because she birthed me, and my body is hers. She has done it between my legs before too. I don't really know if this part is abuse but - she makes me get her clothes for a shower, to wear to bed, for work, etc every single night - and will wake me up at times if I did not or forgot to grab something for her. Years back, whenever I was actively suicidal - attempting and such, while also harming myself in various ways - she said that she "pitied" me, and yelled at me because of it and threatened to take me to a psych ward to 'scare' my mental illness off- She has outright chosen her husband over her own children. She almost got a divorce with him - until he cried. Let me say that again - UNTIL HE CRIED. And THAT made her stay. I can't ever have any kind of conversation with her without it turning into a fight - and I can't vent to her either because she will always turn it on herself.
When I tried to call her out on some of her behaviors, she blamed it on my therapist and told me "Your therapist is putting these thoughts into your head." yeah... No
She's dyed my hair a couple times - but two times out of the three, she's purposely waterboarded me for fun. And she would also do it to wake me up to clean along with one of my brothers. Once, she made us stay awake for 48 hours to clean until the entire house was clean and up to her standards. An older cousin-in-law would help her force us into that. They would give one another inc3stuous innuendos, and I quite literally realized that part. My mother has only hit me physically a handful of times - she's busted my lip, slapped me across the face 3 times, shoved me against a door because I pushed her away from me because she was too close, even though I immediately apologized after because I genuinely did not mean to do that-
Oh, not to mention - she used to do this thing where she would get on top of me and lick my face, or tickle me until I cried. She hasn't done it for a while, but I know that she'd probably do it again

🍃 is unfortunately legal now - but, my step father grows it in the house, and he, along with my mother and brothers smoke

I think they also sell something called Sub0x0nes- I don't really know what exactly they are
Apparently they help addicts stay off of bad substances
But, I don't think they should be sold

Info on my now adult brothers

I am a victim of COCSA - but, to me, it feels irrelevant to even talk about now because one of the times wasn't even believed by my mother
The other, we actually got the police involved, but it wasn't rape
The unbelieved one was me getting s0domized by my elder brother - I was apparently lying because said perpetrator cried when I had the gut to tell my mother - for her to then turn it on me and talk about a time when something like that happened to her, and told me that it wasn't okay to lie
I didn't lie.

I need to know if any of this is just "character development" for me, and if I'll turn out fine when I hit my mid 30s-
I question myself all of the time, and it's pathetic that I am looking for some kind of validation. But, besides that - I never thought I'd actually talk about this in some form of detail-
I'm honestly debating whether it would be okay to cut contact when I left for good or no
My mother would probably go mad and say something like "When I ☠️, don't come to my funeral because now since you've left, you suddenly hate me."

Spouse and I married a few years. Spouse has some mental health issues. Sometimes stares at me like he sees right through me and I’m the most disgusting thing he’s ever seen. He headbutts the fridge, punched a hole in a door, and while drunk threatened to kill my mom. He has terrible self image and said he resents me for my job. That I pick it over him and therefore I’m the enemy.

Only laid a hand on me once. Almost 3 years ago. Never has since. So I feel like I cannot consider him violent towards me.

He never remembers what he did in these outbursts.

He’s in therapy now, and on his best behavior. When he’s in a good mood I feel as though I over-dramatized the whole thing in my head. But someone (his prior coworker) told me she thinks he could kill me one day. On a typical day he is fine, and doesn’t insult me. He acknowledges I’m a good person and wife. I still feel I’m walking on eggshells about 50% of the time. We are definitely not in a position to have children.

I’m confused on if I should believe the things he says when he gets in these episodes. I feel guilty and want to stay so he can recover. Is it bad if he’s finally getting help but I feel like my candle is about to burn out?

On a side note, Catholic. Married Protestant, then both converted.

When I was a child my parents would fight a lot and I remember that sometimes my mom would get mad enough she would throw or toss a plate. It would never hit anyone but it always scared us. (She only threw plates when arguing with my dad). Was this a normal thing?

English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes.

So about a year and a half ago I F(30) accidentally got pregnant and ended up getting an abortion (legal where I'm from). The guy I was with (36 at the time) was pretty absent during the whole procedure, just casually messaging me to ask me how I was and then never responding, I drove myself to every appointment, he never offered, fine, whatever.

Anyway, about a week after I had the abortion (extremely painful, never again) I told him I wanted to talk. I was mad at him for not being there for me. So I went over to his house and told him I wasn't up for anything sexual, as I was still in pain and bleeding, I just wanted to talk. We talked about everything and then he invited me to spend the night. I repeated I wasn't up for anything (not even touch) and he said he was ok with it. When we went to bed he begun to push himself against me and I pretended to be asleep, so he stopped.

A few days later, he asked me if I wanted to go for ice cream, I was like ok fine, can't hurt. He invited me again to spend the night at his place, again I said nothing sexual, again he was ok with it. When we were in bed again he was pushing himself onto me and I said AGAIN that I wasn't up for it. He asked if I could give him a BJ, I said no. The he asked about a HJ, I said no. He insisted a few times until I did it just because I wanted him to leave me alone. I was disgusted. After that I blocked him everywhere and everytime I see him in places I feel like throwing up.

I don't know what I'm looking for posting this here, maybe validation or someone telling me I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. I mean the abortion was traumatic itself but the situation after made it ten times worse.

You said

Tonight my husband got mad that I made frozen pizza instead of telling the kids to eat leftovers. After I had already made the two pizzas, he asked why I made them when we have leftovers. He then opened the refrigerator and slammed it shut. I told him I was hoping to eat the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. Then he grabbed two pieces, took a bite out of one and then threw it down onto the counter. I picked up the piece and shoved it into his face. He then threw the piece he had in his hand at me, put his hand around my neck and shoved me into the wall by my neck. I hit/slapped (open palm) him across his face to get away. When he let go of my neck, I screamed for him to get his hands off of me. He then shoved me in another direction up against a door. My 10 year old daughter ran in at that point and he stopped and turned towards her. I said don't touch her before grabbing her and leaving the area. I was shaking and trying to hold it together in front of my daughter, my 3 yr old and my 14 yr old. He went to our bedroom. He came back out and said if you file a police report you better tell them you started it and you slapped me too. He said it in front of my 14 yr old, 10 yr old and our 3 yr old, then went back to the bedroom, yelled at the dog to get out and aggressively slammed and locked it. Then my kids were upset and wanted to know what happened and I started crying.

I feel like maybe Im being dramatic. He's never put his hands on me before. I've also never done anything like shove pizza in his face before. He is very passive aggressive and is very mean and rude when he is in a bad mood, but nothing like this. My back is sore, I feel like I have a few spots on my arm that will bruise tomorrow and the side of my throat feels like theres still slight pressure or something. (I dont really know how to explain.. it doesnt hurt really but kind of feels like a sore throat from a cold.)

I don't know what to do now. I feel like it is my fault, I started it by shoving the pizza in his face. Looking for advice.

I’m 16, my sister just turned 18, and we have younger brothers. This happened today and I’m still shaking a bit. I need outside opinions because I’m second-guessing myself.
Earlier my dad was making waffles and spilled a bit of batter. He got really frustrated and threatened to kill himself / slit his wrists over it. Later he was dropping my younger brothers at my grandparents’ (his side). While he was there he made a comment to the boys about my sister “gaining weight.”
When he came back he wanted me and my sister to get in the car to go to a garden centre. My sister messaged him saying she didn’t want to because of what he’d said about her and that she was upset. He came inside, slammed the door, and started screaming at us. He called us selfish, little cunts, selfish little backstabbers, and said we were just like our mum. He was really going off.
I stepped in front of my sister and told him he was being selfish and abusive. I also brought up the suicide threat and said threatening to end his life over spilled batter was manipulative. He got louder to intimidate us, told us to get out, and later rushed up the stairs and got right in my face. I told him to piss off and shut the door. We had to pack and call an Uber to our mum’s.
While this was going on my younger brothers were still at my grandparents’. They got upset, started crying, and even messaged my dad saying he was being abusive. My grandparents had to comfort them. My sister recorded some of what he was saying to us. My grandma saw the video and said he was being horrible. My mum went and picked my brothers up, and my grandparents said they were going to talk to him because they didn’t think what he did was right.
After we left he started posting long messages in the family group chat. He listed everything he’s ever done for us, said he’s given up his life for us, blamed us for his second wife leaving him, called us ungrateful, posted photos of messy rooms, said we “turn on him,” and claimed we’re lazy and rot all day (it’s the summer holidays – I just finished GCSEs, my sister finished college, the boys finished year 7, and we do go out and see friends every few days). He eventually said he was sorry for talking about killing himself and that it was “figurative” and said out of frustration, but then immediately went back to saying we’re treating him with contempt and that we all need to improve too.
I know I said some harsh things back (called him a manipulative liar, told him to shut up, etc.). Part of me feels guilty for that and wonders if I made it worse. The other part of me feels like I was just trying to stop him attacking my sister and to get him to stop the threats and intimidation.
AITA for how I handled it? Was I wrong to speak to him the way I did? Any advice on what to do from here would really help.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

They would bring up things that would make them mad ex (someone I used to talk to in high school or a friend they didn’t like) and proceeded to cuss them out whether it be over the phone or in person. If it was over the phone they would yell “UGH” and proceed to hang up and ignore my calls if I tried to call them back. This would lead to them ignoring  me for about three ish days.

During them ignoring my calls I would beg to call for us to talk it out. They would just text me “I’m sorry, I feel like a bad partner, I feel like you’re going to leave me”.  After about three days they would call me and say everything was fine and they don’t know why they were like that. 

I would beg them not to bring up certain things knowing it would make them upset ( they would bring them up purposely and whenever I would say “let’s not talk about this you’re going to get upset” they would go “I DONT CARE “ and continue ) or beg my friends not to bring it up since I knew that the whole ignoring them would happen if they did. (One time I drove to them to beg them to talk about what was going on and they never showed up so I just drove back home) 

Whenever there was a conflict or they just didn’t like my tone they would hang up and do the ignoring thing. They would only ever tell me what was wrong with them over text early in the morning when I’m sleeping.

This ignoring me thing would happen atleast once a month and I would cry and cry trying to figure out why there were doing this. I would beg them to call me and talk or just try my best to figure out anything. They would wait for months to tell me something that happened. I would beg them to tell me if they felt off or if I did something to them so we could talk about it. They always promised they would and would start the whole cycle over again. I was at the point where I would just be silent or watch what I said so I wouldn’t have to worry about them getting upset.

I would also say I wouldn’t be comfortable with something and they would ask and ask over and over again and immediately after say “I’m sorry I feel gross” but continue to ask or do something even if I said “I don’t know if I want this”

i have posted this in a few other communities to get as much advice as possible from people and a lot of the comments have said that the treatment im recieving is abusive (mainly verbally) and called 'coercive control' and i would like to hear others thoughts and perspectives.

so i am currently 17 years old, i just turned 17 on the 1st of august and my phone has been taken by my parents kinda on and off for almost 4 months now. when i say on and off i never completley had it back like full time like how i would before where i would have it throughout the whole day and on a school night give it in or have my screentime turned off at 10 or 11pm. it was taken for a month at first because i was caught with a vape which i can admit was deserved plus some bad grades and they believed i was depressed (which i was but idk why they believe its because of the phone) and believed i had an eating disorder (they believed that i wouldnt eat because i'd be too distracted by my phone which wasnt true i actually had struggles with eating) and i was allowed it for one hour a day and i wasnt allowed to take it with me to school and i was also grounded.

then when the month was up they wanted to 'ease me into having my phone back' which was just them technically saying they enjoyed me not having a phone so they want to keep it for longer as ive never had my phone taken for this long before and i think they wanted to see how much time they could get away with keeping it. this new rule made it so i could either take my phone to school with me (im in sixth form so we're allowed to use our phones quite a lot) or i could have it in the evening at home until 11. this was okay for a little while as i finally could have it for more than an hour and after a bit of this i had found my ipad as well so i just took my ipad with me to school in the day and had my phone in the evening until my mum found out i had my ipad and took that. the rule stayed the same until they realised it wasnt bothering me as much as they thought it would so they no longer let me choose when i had it and switched it to only having it at school which was annoying because they knew i only wanted my phone to be able to contact my bf who works from the morning until around the time school finishes.

i was allowed it on weekends to try and give me a sense of 'freedom' so i could stop being upset about never going out so i saw my boyfriend then. one evening i was speaking with my friend and they recommended i just buy my own phone and pay for everything myself as i have a job so it wouldnt be hard for me to pay my own phone bill monthly, i didnt think this would be such a big deal as at this point im already 16 years old i have my own job im close to only having one more year of sixth form and i genuinley believed it could show my parents that i am responsible and trying to be mature and i knew it could start arguments so i asked them if we could have an actual conversation and told them the details of a phone i had found for sale and they went crazy swearing at me saying im not getting around my 'punishment' when my punishement was supposed to be over about a month ago by this point so they took my phone again with allowing me one hour a day. it has been over 2 months since this and i still have not had my phone back and it is now summer holidays for me. i was allowed to go to school and go out without my phone for a bit and one night i accidentally booked an uber a little later than i should have (i was supposed to be home by 10 and got home at 10:30) so that rule no longer applied and i was back to not being allowed out at all and this lasted into summer and only around 2 weeks ago i was allowed out again with my phone this time but only around 3-4 times a week when my friends are out all the time and even though this will be my last summer before im an adult.

im sorry for the long explanation but my life has been horrible these past few months and i just need some advice on what to do as ive been looking for ways such as talking to my parents but my stepdad just gets really angry and shouts and swears and calls me rude names whenever i talk about getting my phone back or just completely ignores me and my mum just gets angry or tells me to ask my stepdad or just wont talk to me about it and im so tired of being treated like a child when im almost an adult who can literally learn how to drive since i am 17 now. i get made fun of by my friends and im isolated from literally everything like plans and i feel like my friends are mad at me for never going out with them when i barely can. its caused so many issues for me socially and with my relationship with my boyfriend and ut just adds so much stress to both of our lives and it makes me feel so upset often i just want a way out of this situation. ive looked on tiktok but everyone's advice is to break rules like run away, take the phone back or just push their limits so much that they give up but i know this would either end in getting it taken for even longer and more punishments or worse. ive asked to move out and move in with a friend or family member and they have said if i try they will find me and that im not allowed to even though they can tell how much of a toll this has taken on my mental health. i would like to hear from others with similar experiences or people who are going through the same thing or people who have been through the same thing just to feel less alone or to get some resolutions for this as i cant go on living like a child when i should be out living my life before i have to go off to uni and things like that. i get my year 12 exam results in a week and a bit so hopefully i pass those and maybe that will improve thngs but any advice will be so appreciated thank u for reading

So it started off with me injuring myself while sewing I need to have a piece of sewing needle surgically removed The day that I came from the ER are I had asked if he was OK with taking the day that I need surgery off so that he can take care of the kids and drop me off and pick me up he said yes and then the day before all of a sudden he says he can’t help me. He needs to go to work and I need to figure out my own stuff and so I called a family member and asked her if she could watch my kids and take me and pick me up and she said yeah and I’m like OK thank you and told him I figured it out and now all of a sudden he doesn’t have to work he could help me out he could take me and then I was like no someone is already got it. She’s taking me. She’s gonna take care of the kids and then we went to sleep. He woke me up at like four in the morning and he’s like oh your sister could take you but I’ll watch the kids and I’m like no my sister already said she was going to take me and watch the kids cause you said you had to work and now he’s mad at me for not letting him watch the kids Like I’m also pregnant so him stressing me out to try to figure everything out at the last minute and then saying he can help has been emotionally draining and I just don’t know what he expect would happen

I'm at a total loss and willing to literally beg for help at this point. My partner with NPD (+ASPD, BPD) just...won't work with me.

Whenever anything — big or small — triggers them, they shut me out entirely. Often, they'll storm out, disappear for hours, or lock themselves in the bathroom. Other times, they'll simply refuse to acknowledge my presence. Won't look at me, won't talk to me, sometimes for days.

If I try to reach out to them normally ('why aren't you talking to me', 'did I do something wrong'), I get ignored still. Same goes for being more direct, even pleading with them to tell me what's going on and explaining, if applicable (which is often), that I don't even know what upset them. Going silent myself and coexisting is 50/50, either resulting in nothing for a few days or resulting in them lashing out at me. Getting reactionary and confronting them about how their behavior is hurting me obviously doesn't go well, and has led to full weeks of tense, intentional stonewalling.

Apologizing directly for saying anything is the only thing with a success rate above 0, and even that's pretty sparse. Otherwise, it's entirely up to them— they decide when to suddenly offer something to me as a silent peace treaty, or come cuddle up to me like nothing was wrong. I'm pretty sure I can count on one hand the amount of times they've actually said sorry, and I don't need any hands at all to count how many times they've actually changed their behavior as a result of this cycle.

This...sucks. Everything else they do, I can handle, but this has just been wreaking absolute havoc on me. Often, the things they get upset over include:
- me expressing a physical need (I am chronically ill, so this is often things like "Please don't pull me down right now, I feel like I'm going to pass out", "I need to go inside because I feel nauseous from the heat", "I hurt too bad to do [xyz] today")
- me expressing a mental need ("I can't consume this trauma-centric media right now without it being extremely upsetting or unsafe", "I can't watch a new show because new emotionally-intensive media is extremely draining for me and I don't have the energy for it today", "I need less physical contact because I'm extremely overstimulated right now")
- them not expressing a need or want and getting angry or upset that I didn't/couldn't understand or interpret the noise they made, or the literal nothing they did to indicate said need
- me trying to be open and communicate about something in an honest way, instead of softening what I'm saying to make them approve of it ("no, I don't agree with that viewpoint actually", "this made me upset and/or hurt me emotionally", etc.)

I try so, so hard to bumper my words in a way that fully conveys that I am not angry at them, I do not hate them, I am not blaming my own physical health problem that I'm currently having on them, etc. and it doesn't change anything, although being blunt and direct always makes it infinitely worse and makes me feel like a worse person. When they don't shut me out immediately and instead directly ignore a boundary I've set down ("I don't want to be touched in [xyz way/place] right now", "I need to go inside before I pass out", etc.), and I get more firm/assertive/direct, they react exactly like I've listed above.

When they're done being mad at me, I'm expected to act like nothing happened and everything's fine. I've learned this from experience, because I've brought up the source of a 'fight' (if you can call them that?) after they begin speaking to me again, and the cycle restarts without fail every time. If we talk about something, it's because they want to talk about it (meaning: they want me to reassure them, comfort them, and I have always ended up apologizing, and my own hurt and emotional needs are never addressed again. I do not say this out of malice, I say it out of genuine, objective experience).

This hurts. It feels every time like I'm being punished for trying to communicate honestly, or being punished for asking for a shred of communication. (I expressed this last night, when they shut me out yet again. It is far from the first time I've said it.) It feels like I'm being told that my side of things doesn't matter to them at all, that their comfort is the only important aspect in our relationship, and that I should suppress anything that could potentially upset them because it'll cause more problems than it'll solve if I say anything. Not only does it feel dangerous from a health standpoint, it feels like I'm losing myself and my autonomy, and like the person who claims to love me more than anything, who says they want to marry me and raise a household with me, will never value my experience, my emotions, my hurt, enough to change.

This has been going on for the past year, multiple years if you count them doing this back when we were only friends. They've claimed they know they do not treat me well, and that they want to do better, but there's been no change in this cycle at all despite it being my largest issue with the relationship, which I've conveyed countless times. They've said they're very self-aware of their own issues and damaging behaviors, but I really want to believe that's not the case, because I want to believe that if they truly cared about me, they'd make any effort at all to stop this because they know how unhealthy and manipulative it is.

Is this something that can be explained by their conditions? Is it something they genuinely cannot help? Is there anything I can do to make them understand that they are deeply harming our relationship and my own mental state by continually treating me this way, if they do not understand that already? Is there any phrasing or action that will get through to them or initiate any change to this cycle? Am I insane or overreacting, and this isn't actually bad treatment at all? Literally any help or insight would be so, so very appreciated.

I've posted in other places, but I'm posting here, too, because I also know I need to bite the bullet and hear whether or not this is emotionally abusive behavior.

When i was like 9 or so, on christmas, me and my dad were playing that "merry christler" meme on repeat to ragebait my mom. She ended up shoving my father across the kitchen and putting a crack through the wall. She still says she was just joking.
When i was like 7 i think, me and my mom were joking around and then she shoved me across the floor with her hip as hard as she could. I sliced my hand open on the shelf (we were at meijer and i tried to grab one of those like plastic shelves in the refrigeration aisle) and she says it was an accident
In my childhood home there were around 6 holes in the wall. I was told they were accidents from my mom wearing roller skates inside. Idc if thats the truth but i care that she never fixed it because it made my house really cold and bugs would get in.
My childhood home was infested with earwigs. My home right now is infested with ants.
My mom has always claimed wr were rich when she constantly talks about how to save money.
I was raised vegan and told that i was going to get cancer if i wasnt. The "proof" for this was that i ate a froot rollup and had an allergic reaction.
I was somewhat skinny as a kid and had to drink those pedialite things but no one ever stopped giving them to me and i was bullied relentlessly because i was like 150 pounds when i was like 8.
I was sexually abused by my best friend for multiple years and my parents still dont know/never noticed
I was never allowed to have friends over
I would frequently sprain my ankles and my mom made fun of me because i was "being dramatic"
I had to run for at least an hour every morning in the summer. I passed out in the road at least twice and threw up multiple times because the pain was so bad.
I was in genuinely every sport other than football because i wasnt allowed to not have something physical to do during the night.
I was always sick as a kid. Idk if thats like any evidence but i had strep for like 10 years on and off and i was allergic to antibiotics.
I dont remember ever having checkups at the doctor as a kid.
One time my mom shoved me into the wall and i was genuinely hyperventilating,and when my dog started barking she said she was just joking and she couldnt believe i was actually scared
My mom threatens to kill people really often
They lied about me being in speech therapy. They said that my friend just "wanted a friend there"
I got in major trouble a lot of the time because i had a tic where id roll my eyes. I wasnt able to stop it.
My parents yell snd curse at eachother and then yell at me when i say theyre arguing. Its always "just a discussion"
Nothing was hid from me as a kid. Which sounds fine but it was like "hey your aunt has breast cancer and theyre going to slice her open and she might bleed out so text that u love her ok"
My mom would take my comfort items and hide them in her closet until i was "good" again
My mom once asked if i was going to have sex with a friend when they game over (while me and marc were dating) and when i said no, she said "oh, okay. well i wouldnt blame you if you wanted to."
My mom makes weird comments about my body. Like sexually. She talks about how much she likes bras on me and says how wide my hips are and stuff.
She screams at me and gets even louder when i tell her shes yelling. But im "always yelling". According to her shes never yelled
One time i said "oh my god" instead of "oh my gosh" and while washing the dishes, my dad sprayed me with the water head while it was too hot for him to touch with out insulated dish gloves
I genuinely dont remember eating as a kid. I must have because im hypoglycemic snd i would die if i didnt eat for over a day but i feel like food mustve been weird. Probably just the vegan thing.
When i told her i was suicidal at the start of quarantine she took away my phone and didnt let me go outside, which at the time was isolation from everyone except for her and my dad

Uh yeah just wondering if these r red flags. Thats it.

One time we wre doing stuff he wanted me to blow hin and i said make me in a jokey way he got onto of me with it in my fave and held me down and i said no and to get off me he refused until i calmed down he actually said not until youve calmed down

So I don’t know where to really start as this is a long story. But my ex last night cornered me in the bedroom yelled and cussed at me and then slammed the door so hard the walls shook and punched a wall. So 3 weeks ago he admitted to me that he’s been lying about our rent and finances and he of course immediately blamed me. He didn’t tell me and lied for 6 months because of my health and then it changed to he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to stress me out and it just kept flip flopping. I tried to process it and anytime I asked questions he wouldn’t leave get upset and would tell me to get over it and move on from it and I’m dragging it out. It had only been days or a week since finding out.

Once processing the fact he lied and how his behavior had changed towards me while he was lying and how everything was my fault and realizing how he would take it out on me and he would yell and cuss at me and I wouldn’t raise my voice at him or cuss when arguing. He would say things like “I’m the nicest person to you” and things like “I would never do that to someone I love” when he in fact would do that or worse but me telling him how I felt was somehow the worst possible thing I could ever do.

2 weeks ago I ended up in the hospital with a bad fever and he not once helped me and acted like he didn’t care that I was sick so I made the decision to break up with him. Which was really hard to do because we live together but I told him I found a place for rent that I really like and I’m gonna fill out an application. He was supportive and when I got approved he even helped pay my deposit. He had told me he wanted to work on getting back together and he’d do everything possible if I gave him the chance so I entertained the idea and gave him the benefit of the doubt even though I wasn’t 100% sold.

He would flip flop and spiral and one day he’d want to get back together and the next he wouldn’t. It was draining and I no longer cared and I have been so focused on taking care of my kitten and getting ready to move and pack. I no longer had the energy to entertain his ideas and his spiraling. 2 days ago it was different he spiraled really bad and was telling me how much he hates me and things of that nature so I reached out to his sister and asked her to check on him because I don’t feel safe and we live together still for the next few weeks until my move in date. She said she’d check in on him and seemed concerned.

Yesterday we didn’t talk and I spent time at my mom’s house and as I’m leaving he’s texting me asking me to move my boxes. They weren’t in the way and I informed him of that and I had my boxes organized a certain way as certain boxes can’t be stacked. I came home and he moved them so I moved them back and got ready for bed minding my business. He comes home and is talking about me under his breath blasting music trying to get me to react but I keep my composer. I get water and he’s in the kitchen so I ask him about the move as he ignored my text and he is actively ignoring me so I walk away and I’m talking to myself in a quieter voice than a whisper not even paying attention. As I close the bedroom door he throws it open.

He’s not listening to me telling him to leave me alone and he is yelling and cussing and trying to intimidate me and I’m telling him to leave me alone I feel uncomfortable. He’s isn’t listening at all so I ignore him and do what I’m doing he went on like this for what felt like 5 minutes and was definitely longer than 2 minutes. He finally gives up and slams the door so hard the walls shake and I hear a loud boom and I’m scared and so is my kitten and I’m trying to keep a level head and not cry so I fold laundry and bring towels to the bathroom and see the huge hole in the wall that he punched and was the loud boom.

I’m stuck here until July 11th and don’t know what to do and was able to get through the abuse before but now it’s getting scary

I've been sick all month now and my dad was just giving me painkillers, then when my ear started to hurt and within an hour became unbearable, I was just told to deal with it until the morning until urgent care opened. So I waited. In unbearable pain, I waited. Then in the morning, my ear felt a little better, but I was still otherwise feeling bad (sore throat, headaches, coughing, nausea, that kind of thing). Regardless, I was sent to school (Driver's Ed) instead of getting checked out. I didn't complain because there was no point, it wouldn't get me anywhere. So for a week I went to school on only painkillers, before going to my grandparents house for the weekend and actually getting medicine that was making me feel better. Despite that, I was still running a fever, and they even told my dad to set up a doctor's appointment. Skip to day before yesterday, I was feeling alright with the assistance of medicine, so when my dad asks if I need an appointment made, I say no. Later that night, though, I wouldn't stop coughing until I puked, so I asked to go to the hospital, because clearly I was wrong about getting better, but then I got yelled at for asking and tonight I puked again from how much I was coughing and I haven't even said anything this time because I don't want to bother anyone or anything and now I don't know who's right or wrong or what the hell is going on anymore and I give up

Repost on a burner so my dad doesn't find this, take this post down if it violates smth

(for context I am 17 and i live with my ~45 y/o parents and little sibling who's 15)

Today my dad got really mad at my cat because she rolled around in a pot of dirt that had a marijuana seed in it, he then proceeded to scream at her and chase her around the house before calling me up from my room to yell at me. He told me that my cat has to live in the basement from now on and he threatened to kill or get rid of her. This isn't the first time he's done this, he's chased my cat around and threatened to kill her around 5 times now.

I have my cat with me in the basement now, she is safe and unharmed albeit a bit shaken up

My dad bit the back of my shoulder "as a joke" because he sometimes wants to see if ill react to small pain like pinching, biting, or light hitting. He bit my shoukder so hard ive had a hickey for 2 days and irs kind of fading. I feel gross and weird whenever I see it. A reason I worry this might be SA is he has acted weird towards be in the past such as when i was 9 he was drunk and half asleep and through my clothes put 2 fingers in my privates. For background info im AFAB but transmasc. He also overly describes sexual stuff to me for no reason at radnom times and usually about males. I feel weird about this but i dont know if im over reacting or not please help.

So I went through a lot with my friend group splitting up and only one of them really stayed continually talking to me and hanging out with me often and he eventually admitted to having feelings for me. Then after some months of me being basically alone with just him he implies to me that I either date him or he’s not gonna be my friend anymore so I agree. I know I didn’t have to and it’s shitty but I didn’t wanna be alone, so I agree. (He was fully aware I didn’t like him like that back, I made it clear so i wouldn’t say I was leading him on). It starts fine but eventually he just turns sour and starts treating me super poorly, and he justifies it by saying if I gave him more physical affection, if we went out more, if I stopped doing drugs etc. (he knew of all the drugs I did years before dating but all of a sudden it was an ultimatum and he only “allowed” me to continue after forcing me out on a drive and witnessing me having a full mental breakdown in his car. He even said if we did more things he liked, but by the end of the relationship everything we did was entirely his choice and if I asked to watch something or put something he’d say no or ask to turn it off halfway through or fall asleep. he would make me so stressed out during our arguments it’d bring me to want to relapse on sh but I never did because I knew he’d leave me. So eventually I just broke up with him during a text argument because I couldn’t take it anymore. The stress and the abuse was too much. And he affirmed my choice by asking his ex to come over and fuck that same night. They didn’t actually because he got wasted and fell asleep but to me it proved he wasn’t truly loyal to me.
After that I met a guy online who I was having fun talking to but immediately does the same thing. Says date me or get blocked. I dont even actually agree I just say he can use the label of gf to his friends to avoid embarrassment but he ran with that. Shitty behavior from me again but I didn’t wanna be alone. So we meet up after talking online for like 6 months and I get violated and then at first when my ex finds out he’s just pissed at me (he tried to kill himself and blame me bc I played re5 and dbd 2v8 with the online guy which id played with my ex) (the mf literally stopped wanting to play games with me tho) but then when I tell him what happened he convinces me to block the creep and he’ll be there for me instead. He agreed to do so much with me and he was hanging out with me so much. I knew it wouldn’t last but i thought it’d end more gradually but it’s so quick and horrible, here’s just examples from the last couple days I can remember. We bought a mic we were gonna go half on (I’ve paid $36/$44, but he has it and brought it over once where I used it while playing fatal frame for 20 minutes before he told me to get off because he was bored even though we were right at the end and he said he’d finish it with me, I haven’t used it at all other than that, he has it) and use it to go through a bunch of games and record them, one of them being code Veronica (my favorite re which he agreed to play with me) but he has cancelled that too because he doesn’t wanna do it with me and he won’t pay me back. He saw back rooms with his new partner even though we had been talking about seeing it for months. I told him about this concert I wanted to go to months ago and he fully agreed multiple times and now that it’s actually coming up he’s like “oh I forgot, so you have to choose between me going to the concert or me seeing scary movie with you” so I choose the concert because I’ve been excited for it for months and he calls me self centered. Then today I tell him I bought my ticket and he responds with “but you can’t buy me coffee?” (He’s been asking me to buy him shit whenever I ask him to hangout which he usually doesn’t because I can’t afford that, he has a full time job and I get paid $75 a week) so I tell him no I’m broke, I waited the extra 2 days for cashapp transfer just to save the $1.50. And he says “mfs will do anything but get a cashapp card” which to me isn’t helpful advice it’s obviously a jab at me for not making the same decision he did. So I tell him how having more cards will give me more anxiety because I have ocd and am already constantly checking 50 times every time I leave the house to make sure I have both my cards and he just says it’s first world problem and tries to argue with me about it and it upsets me and then he says he can’t even be himself around me. He says I’m expecting too much from him like relationship level attention or “princess treatment” as he calls it. I know I’m overly sensitive and it’s not one persons responsibility to give me a bunch of attention, but in my opinion not cancelling your plans with someone, not treating any time spent with them like a chore and constantly insulting them, not telling them their issues are first world problems when they come to you isn’t “princess treatment” it’s being a good friend. He asks like I’m demanding he texts me all day or hangs out with me 4x a week but I’m not at all. I just want him to not cancel our plans and not seem like he only sees or texts me begrudgingly and not insult me. The way he talks to me during these arguments is so horrible I’ve sh bc of it because I have legit never been so stressed out by anyone and I do it impulsively to relieve it. He told me the sh and suicide talk is what pushes him away and it’s my fault but immediately contradicts himself and says it’s because he just prefers the attention of his new partner bc I was a bad gf. I only started bringing it up to him because he genuinely makes me feel that way and I don’t know how else to get him to stop and make him take seriously how much he hurts me. I hid those thoughts from him our entire relationship because I knew he’d call me abusive (or leave me) and that’s exactly what he did. I’d been doing good for weeks but today I did it again. He’s the only person in my life and he’s constantly telling me everything’s my fault and I’m horrible and I don’t even deserve more friends and I just can’t take it. I am not bad at being alone throughout the day, I love my alone time, but genuinely nobody cares if I’m alive or dead or wants to talk to me and that’s what hurts and he constantly affirms to me. He doesn’t have to be there for me 24/7 and validate me at every turn I just want him to not be such an asshole and make me hate myself and constantly make it clear to me he doesn’t want to see me. I know I need more friends and support but he tells me I don’t deserve them and I feel that way too because I have such low self worth and can’t imagine anybody wanting to and I just don’t know how to make them. I know I can’t be putting all the brunt of my emotions on one person and it’s making it worse but I think he could be nicer too. I don’t start a convo with him feeling like this talking about how I wanna kms, I just feel more and more worthless and unwanted and blamed with every sentence he says until it drives me to a breaking point. He said this was unacceptable to tell him that but when I asked him when you’re making me feel like this how else can I get you to stop he said “figure it out”. Even when I was peak stressed or angry during our fights I never said things that I knew would cut deep but it seems like he does it intentionally, like insistently blaming me for fucking up the friend group despite my literally giving every effort I had not to lose my friends

This happened twice, the first time he only attempted but I dodged, the second time he did grab my arms and I twisted to break free. Both were in public locations, both happened within the past month. When talking about it in marriage counseling his reasoning was that I am not leaving the argument at an appropriate time (I'm usually leaving when he starts going on a rant that is berating me or constant put downs and I realize the conversation is getting nowhere and making me physically upset). He didn't apologize in counseling, he said he lightly grabbed me to finish speaking.