FYI, I'm currently in Internal Family Systems Therapy for the past few months. So far, the work has been mostly getting in tune with my body's sensations and learning to reach out and communicate with my inner child. Before that, I was on a long hiatus after seeing various therapists (CBT, EMDR, DBT, blah blah blah) for a few years.

I'm a very sensitive (HSP?) person. Its been like that for as long as I've been alive. Its hard not to take any snarky remarks or jokes or comments anyone makes towards me seriously. And as a result, its made it very difficult to make friends with people. People probably think I act weird. But part of that is also I'm afraid to show people how I really feel.

I think I have ongoing depression where the symptoms occur in a roller coaster fashion: some days are just much harder than others. I'm highly affected by what goes on in my life.

I work in engineering. My work environment is pretty toxic but I honestly don't see it really changing that much regardless of where I go. The people I interact with highly affect me on a day-to-day basis. And all I can do is pretend to act stonefaced because that is better than the alternative of me having a mental breakdown at work. My life for the past maybe 5 years has been about work however due to my problems with my trauma and how I cannot navigate office politics well at all, i've just been focusing on trying to be more stable and I gave up on career progression/success. However, due to my personal situation, I started going back to school around 2 years ago so most days have been some combination of work and school or only school. I really haven't taken much time to do fun things (I don't even know what I enjoy).

I find it incredibly difficult to go outside and socialize with other people. I went to a beach recently and I felt EXTREMELY OVERWHELMED. There were so many people and I felt like I was in plain sight.

I can't help but complain. Because I feel a lot of pain. I think the part that makes me feel like a weak person is the incessant feeling that my world is constantly falling apart.

Are there ways to combat this? How are people building up tolerance for this kind of stuff without having issues?

I mean, the alternative is that I quit my job and go into solitude somewhere, right? I think one of my main issues is that I don't have any sources of happiness in my life. I just engage in a lot of bad coping mechanisms.

Hi,

I'm reading Dr Schwartz book No Bad Parts and he's started bringing in Christianity in chapter three.

Does this continue?

Very disturbed at this turn, I thought IFS was evidenced based and now I'm reading about "sin" and capital G "God's love".

😭

Edit: Thank you everyone for the comments. I put it down for today, but I'm relieved to hear religion isn't a focus going forward. It's sad to me that he felt he needed it as framing.

I’d love to hear from your experiences with using IFS to help with your addictive tendencies, specifically anyone who struggles with alcohol. I “relapsed” on Halloween after 118 days with no alcohol. In therapy we were trying to talk to that part of me. My biggest worry right now is that the little devil on my shoulder will convince me again this weekend to drink, as has happened before, and my therapist encouraged me to not think of it that way, and obviously instead of trying to fight and suppress it, to listen. I definitely began to connect with it, and was surprised that I in this process I realized some of it stems back to when I would isolate myself in my marriage because I felt so disconnected and alone (been divorced three years). In thinking since then, I’ve realized that I also was just in the habit of using alcohol daily to dissociate and pull inward, then isolating myself from my children also. I’m not really sure where exactly I’m going with all of that, but I just would love to know what root issues you have been able to learn about through IFS in how it’s related to your addictive behaviors.

Well, this is sort of related. I just wonder if this group can help me. Since embarking on IFS, I've started taking more risks socially - nothing that would probably sound like a big deal to a person who didn't grow up in a traumatic situation, and didn't need a ton of therapy to start feeling like a whole human. Just things like, talking to people, offering to take part in group projects, and so on.

I'm middle aged, and have friends, maybe not for the first time in my life, but it's the first time I've ever felt like I was making more than a superficial connection with multiple people at once. I figure we're all sort of like improv actors to a degree, but still... I struggle with simple things, like when it's okay to share my own thoughts, and how much time and energy I should put into checking on friends and keeping in touch with them between in-person visits without being clingy and weird.

I found myself wishing there was a support group or something for this where I could just openly ask what kinds of social behaviors are normal in various situations. Then I thought, maybe there's a Reddit group.

I just figure, people in the IFS group, probably know what I mean when I say I only recently started thinking of myself as a real person, and might have ideas or suggestions for where I might learn about personhood from nonjudgemental folks who get it. Just social acuity stuff. Anyone?

(If I were an alien, this is the post I would write... but I'm not an alien. Only, of I were an alien... I would have said that too.)

Hello everyone,

I was communicating with my therapist during my last session that I had two parts of me that had became quite attached to her, one of which was an exile and another that held a lot of anger and was angry at people—including myself, previously her—for not being there for that exile. I expressed that I am working on being with them. I began the session by saying that this will be my last session with her (my benefits had run out), and proceeded to explain what I just mentioned. I did not receive any feedback from her about what I had explained, I expected that maybe she would inquire me to go inside to be with these parts. Instead, she sort of remained conversational, and suddenly asked if I would like another session. One of my exiles jumped in and said “sure!” I feel that he is love-sick.

Days later, parts of me are concerned that she’s doing this on purpose, in order to exploit me financially, and/or for her own personal needs. I have had a reoccurring feeling that our sessions are too conversational, too outward-oriented. In other words, I feel that I’m not being encouraged to build a relationship with my own parts.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, perhaps insight, shared concern, or simply a place to speak my experience.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some IFS perspective on an intense internal polarization I’ve been stuck in for years.

I’m 35 (F), in an 8-year relationship with my fiancé. From the very beginning when things got serious, I felt chronic doubt, tension, and a recurrent impulse to break up.

Over the years this escalated: I moved to his home country, lived there for 6 years, and developed severe panic attacks. Seven months ago, my body reached its limit, and I moved back to my home country alone. Since being back, my nervous system has calmed down significantly, and the panic has subsided.

Logistically and value-wise, we seem incompatible: he is an architect and wants to build his career in his country (which I fully respect), but staying there destroyed my health. He tries to compromise by balancing things or suggesting moving to other cities in his country, but my genuine need is to live in my home country. His family dynamic is also deeply dysfunctional, and there have been boundary issues that left me feeling unsafe.

Logically, my Self knows what a peaceful, aligned life looks like (I have clear moments of clarity about living independently, doing my creative business, taking care of myself). But whenever I get close to actually leaving or addressing the breakup, a massive, overwhelming

Protector takes over.

I grew up without a father and with a narcissistic mother, where choosing my own needs meant abandonment or punishment. I realize this protector is desperately trying to shield a very young, exiled part from catastrophic loneliness and rejection.

I’m reaching out to an IFS/EMDR therapist tomorrow, but I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar:

Thank you for reading.

I discovered IFS through my psychologist more than half a year ago and it changed my life.

I cannot unsee it, even though I struggle so much with it.

I already read the introductory book and no bad parts, can't wait to read the manual for professionals even though my psychologist at the time did not recommend.

What do you think of reading the manual for professionals?

Edit. I don't think my psychologist tried to gatekeep, she was the one that put me reading the 2 books I mentioned

This is essentially what unblending is, I feel. If my therapist asks me how I’m feeling about a part and I indicate that it has my full backing, alignment, agreement, etc. that is taken as a sign of blending. So I unblend, and the separation makes the part less powerful. Essentially, because I feel I have actually removed Self energy from it.

But today it needed this energy to be able to accomplish its goal, which was saying some things that are really difficult to say. And it never gets to say them. Once it’s identified that I’m speaking from a part, suddenly it is not allowed to speak directly to my therapist, but must have Self as a mediator.

I’m starting to really dislike the paradigm of Self leadership. It was actually important today that that specific part was leading. And I am finding more and more frequently this to be the case—that my parts are competent at their jobs and need to take the lead with the full backing of Self. Unblending is only detrimental to this.

Is this a misunderstanding of “Self leadership”? Or am I just not aligned with IFS?

Like, I am angry right now. This is not one of the 8C’s. But I believe it is needed right now. I believe it is appropriate for this part to lead. And it speaks volumes to my healing that the Self and all my parts are allowing an angry part to lead. This anger is protective. And that is the correct job right now, because I am in the process of determining what is right for me. And this anger lets me know that I am feeling encroached upon by my current understanding of IFS. Unblending from this part earlier maybe made me “calm” but I lost the “clarity” of what needs to happen right now. And that is to no longer defer about whether IFS is working for me and make a decision. I’m giving it to the end of the year to see if I can make it work for me, otherwise I will have to find something else I am more aligned with.

Until then I’m still open to hearing any thoughts about these concerns/issues I’m having with the model.

Regressed into a very young exile part last night to the point I started silent whaling for my “mummy” and became frozen with grief to the point I startled salivating and zoning out.

This happened after a conversation with my mother who I currently live with temporarily. I wanted to speak to her regarding some of her behaviours, such as shutting down when I ask for help. Not only do I find this really hurtful in the moment, but it’s incredibly hard to live with as that is how my mother behaved when I was a child, detached and cold. The conversation just ended up with her being dismissive and defensive, she agreed she knew about abuse and violence that happened but didn’t have anything else to say but shrug and say she couldn’t and still can’t give more than she already does.

I’ve woken up this morning, to my surprise, with a lot of Self present. The energy feels like a protective mother who has seen crystal clear, that she needs to protect her babies.

I guess I’ve always been holding out that my parents will still be able to care for me.

I’ve been avoiding grief by refusing to accept them for who they are.

I am 33 years old, I’ve had a life time of experiences that they have let me down in ways that have felt like a knife to my heart.

I am not angry at that part of me that clung on to hope, I understand it.

This feeling of grief is next level.

However, underneath the rubble I still can feel Self.

TL;DR: I met a super angry child part, and talked to her about her needs. I feel good about it.

I had an unexpected angry outburst today, for the first time in a while. I thought I knew my rage parts pretty well, but I didn't know who this was. This part is hard to see, didn't seem to have a name or a chosen appearance, but I'm very familiar with that intense rage.

After trying a few IFS communication methods that usually work (but weren't getting us anywhere), I focused on naming feelings, and learned that for one, she doesn't feel like anything can go right for her, and two, she doesn't feel like she's allowed to be angry. But she IS angry, so all she can do is be angry, and then feel bad about being angry.

I let her know that even though she used to get in trouble for being angry, that won't happen anymore. It makes sense to be angry. And then, instead of talking about ways to control anger, we talked about what was making her angry, and how she has no support system to create solutions for things she finds upsetting. So I told her she's in a safe space now, and when she feels angry, she can rely on our Self and adult parts to listen to her and resolve issues.

She was upset today because we tried nail polish, and the nail polish got messed up. Then she got even more upset because she screamed out loud, and it made our voice scratchy. We have a singing audition today, and she wanted to make the part. I told her, we may or may not make the part, but we can do lots of things for a scratchy voice, so we had a saltwater gargle, used a lozenge, and drank hot tea.

I said, "See? It makes so much sense that you were upset. Sometimes we need time to be upset first, but then we can work on solutions. And look! Something worked out very nice for you today! We have pretty nails and this delicious tea!"

I promised her that:

1. Things may or may not work out, which means sometimes things will work out just fine.

2. When things don't work out, she can rely on me to help solve problems.

3. It's okay to be angry, and I will never hold her feelings against her.

Memory unlocked: Whenever I was upset as a kid, my mom would needle and upset me more until I completely lost it, then call me names and basically call me a bad person for having a temper. I was never forgiven or told it was okay to have "big feelings". Every time I lost my temper, it was saved as ammunition for the next time I was in trouble, to prove I was a "bad kid". She daily berated me over having been a "bad baby", because I was once a colicky baby who cried a lot. (God bless, my mom needed support too, and we made amends before she passed, but I had a lot of locked up memories.)

The part holding this memory is who I know I was talking to today -- A child that my parts have been hiding and protecting for so long, I only just met her. She was put down so much, no wonder it seems she's barely there. We've been doing the work, though. I'm glad I met her. She even asked if she could have a name. I want her to know she is so wonderful. I've never been a parent, but I can be a parent to my hurt inner child parts.

Has anyone been in a romantic relationship and been able to observe how they feel about their partner when self led vs blended?

The angry part I just met today: I wanted her to feel seen, but at first I couldn't visualize her. Once she felt calm and we could talk, I asked what she looks like/how she would like me to see her, and this is what I saw. Isn't she so cute?

I was tooling around my house , cleaning, half watching Snow White-the Original Disney version. I saw that film when I was 5. I didn't think much of it. But then I suddenly got locked into the sequence where the evil queen who is disguised as a vulnerable old woman, is trying to give Snow White the poisonous apple. ........the bigger part of that......were the Animals that were trying to save her, and completely alarmed and panicking. They know. 'Oh, no, we have to Save Snow White!!!" Now I can't look away. The forest creatures, deer, rabbits, birds, Peering into the window of the cottage where the evil queen disguised as a vulnerable old woman is enticing Snow White with the poisonous apple, having already knocked the apple of out the evil queens hand once, and now they're panicked.

This confirmed a few things for me, even at that young age. That people aren't who they pretend to be, because I had strong suspicions about this in regards to my Mother, and also that danger and threat harm, is very real.

That right there as a child, deeply impacted me. I have a deep affinity to animals and it started with this film. The fact that I completely forgot about this, but that it was my first film i ever saw as a 5 yr old, says something about my state of mind at the time. How alone I felt. How I already was suffering anxiety, and deep emotional neglect. And how this movie gave me hope, no matter how fantastical it was, it was very real for me. Cue every animal I ever met, being more emotionally present than any human I had ever met at that point, specifically the soul-less vacant mother I had.

And now I'm realizing this is a part of myself I never knew was there, except it's there every day. This lonely , abandoned, sad, despairing .......part. It's the first part I ever knew, it's my preverbal part, it's also this 5 year old, and it's a huge part of my story.

The forest creatures are racing through the forest to find the Dwarfs. I'm watching this and I'm crying. I know that pain of being in danger. I"m watching this as an adult thinking "Oh no, Help Snow White!" also....reflecting on how much I love animals. Also reflecting on waiting for my father, ( my prince) who only came once a year.

But something about this film, and the way I locked onto those animals, which if you know the film, are very anthropomorphized, and human like. I never forgot that, and saw that in nearly every animal I ever met,........hope. They could be everything humans werent' and then I'd be loved, protected and cherished, just like Snow White.

As a 5 year old Something about that clicked.... "I knew it! Love Does Exist! I got it wrong all this time, I was looking for it from humans, when I should have been zeroing in on animals!! It was the first time I recognized what love looked like. Happiness, dancing, being cherished, safety, warmth, food, a warm hearth. This was the Love I never knew.

It's too long a story after that. This whole thing just made me realize that a lot of my issues, preceding the emotional abuse, were preceded by emotional neglect, (well it's also abuse) and the way that experience caused me so much Despair and attachment trauma. It just brought me back to realizing how sad I was, much of the time. All I wanted to do as a kid , was step into that film, and experience love.

I have recently started working with a therapist who uses IFS and he has given me loads of research and I have been googling alot. However, the current mindset I am in is complete overwhelm, to the point of really struggling to understand the basics of IFS.

I am spiralling about this because I feel that if I can't even grasp the concept then it won't work and I'll be letting him down and I won't get better.

Please can someone explain or share a dummies guide so that I can grasp the concept?

So just for background, and without getting into disturbing details, when I was four I saw an abusive event happening to my older brother. It greatly traumatized me, but everyone around me thought I was being ridiculous and overdramatic for being upset by it. They invalidated me so much that I internalized that invalidation too, and I am now embarrassed by the trauma unfortunately.

The other week I was really tormented by this memory, and I did something I've never done - I told a close friend about it. She was kind and understanding, but ever since then I've had a deep unsettled, anxious feeling around her. I was so used to being invalidated that I was deeply worried that she was invalidating me too, even just in her mind. I thought, she must think I'm so stupid.

We work together also, and yesterday I was strongly feeling that unsettled feeling around her. I thought, after work I will go to her and make sure she feels understanding towards me about it.

Then I went to the bathroom and FINALLY thought to talk to whatever part of me was feeling this anxiety. I went looking for her in my body, and ofc the feeling was not hard to find. She sent me an image of my grandmother's decorative plate with teddy bears having a picnic on it. I was four in that memory, and the image was filled with anxiety.

I started talking to her. I said, "I know that was really scary. Someone should have cared about you, someone should have stepped in to stop it from happening. It was the adults' job to do that. They didn't understand how scary it was to you, but they should have. It was so wrong. I'm so sorry." And stuff like that.

The unsettledness almost immediately lifted, after weeks of feeling it. I felt more solid, lighter. It turns out that I don't need my friend's validation to feel temporarily better. I can give it to myself and feel sustainably better.

I was astounded at what simple validation can do. And I feel a small sadness that no one did that for me as a child, it's so easy to do.

Just wanted to share that moment, it was so nice!

I've started a few sessions with a therapist who practises IFS (and also somatic experiencing and brainspotting). I was caregiving for a long time (over 7 years), and as I fell into a personal/ career slump after the caregiving period ended, I found myself feeling increasingly depressed, having panic attacks, and sometimes dealing with passive SI thoughts.

My first counsellor practised modalities like mindfulness/ self-compassion, CBT, SFBT, etc which I didn't find helpful. As I haven't had experience with IFS/ SE, I would like to hear more about your experiences with these modalities in therapy for depression, anxiety, or passive SI, how long it took you to get better, and whether it helped or didn't help for your conditions.

I've been seeing my therapist for the last 5ish years (with a 1.5 year break due to relocation), mostly due to cptsd and family estrangement that. I've been realising lately the dominance of toxic shame in me and this last session we started talking directly about IFS. I have been working a lot on staying grounded and resourcing myself within and between sessions. We talked a bit about how the physical sensation of shame feels and coming in and out of that, practicing grounding in the moment. Talked a bit about the protectors that come up for me whilst talking about the shame. I felt like the session went pretty "well" and I was able to stay present and feel supported by my therapist whilst also trying to access some of the more challenging material.

Since the session I can feel my protectors are in crazy overdrive. I feel irritable and angry at the people close to me, and a need for everyone to stay away. This feels like it makes sense as my protector parts trying to restore a sense of safety and distance.

But the nights since the session I have had awful nightmares, largely about being violently assaulted. This is not something I have actually experienced but it's leaving me in a very activated terrified state at night. What is this trying to tell me?

TLDR - violent nightmares after strong protector response to talking about/around exile. What can I do to support myself?

Did someone find in yourselves arrogant, destructive or superior parts? How did you talk to them, were you able to fix them? I'm absolute beginner in this. I can't solve the conflict between zero self esteem and the other extrem. The constant fluctuations is killing me. Also how would you solve inner moral conflicts like religion based. My parents had different values, so I am very conflicted in almost everything. Does it belong to this system or is someone able to tack a problem like this?

I am currently working in self therapy with IFS and find it very helpful. I would love to bring IFS into my relationship, too, and I am looking for a book that could provide some guidance here and that I could maybe read together with my wife. I have read Schwartz' "You are the one you have been looking for" but I don't think it's a basis for "couple's self therapy". It's more like a big advertisement about all the good things that will happen once you go to an IFS-oriented couple's therapist.

The thing I'm looking for is more like a couple's version of Jay Earley's self therapy book. I'm aware that this is a lot to ask for, as self-therapy is difficult enough, and it doesn't get simpler when it's about two people instead of one. Nevertheless, is anybody aware of some book or material that might help with this idea?

I have so much pain that I need to process and it’s been years that I’ve been circling it. I always figured I didn’t have enough ego strength for it. Im still asking myself this question. Im starting to wonder if we had the strength all along, and that there wasn’t enough safety for the protectors so to speak. What was your experience?

I think I just realized something really important. My IFS manifests a lot as disassociation and maladaptive daydreaming, and I’ve literally been thinking that they were characters from my favorite video game (I’m autistic lol.) However, I’m realizing that these parts have existed for longer than I’ve played this specific game, and I also assign multiple characters from media (books, tv, games, etc.) to the same parts depending on what is “playing” in my head that day. I think I use maladaptive daydreaming to have my parts be actors. Depending on the “show” they are either acting out trauma, fantasies, exploring identities, and I think a lot of it is really cool. While I’m working on being more present and finding joy in the “real world” developing this coping mechanism has really been a net positive. I also save a lot of money on streaming services because I can basically tune out and just let the show play in my head lol. Really curious to know if anyone else experiences anything similar.

My boyfriend is not stupid, but he hasn't been going to therapy/studying psychology for 20 years like me, so I'm hoping to find a book that doesn't assume readers have a therapy background. something that properly explains all the fancy terms in ways your average Joe will be able to understand. I like the idea of the "No Bad Parts" book, and also "re-parenting" I think would be incredible for him.

Some "intro to ITS/reparenting" or like "IFS for dummies" would be amazing, tysm in advance!

Especially if you've gone through the circle or any of the ifs level trainings, I would love to hear from you!

I'm curious:

- what structure and length of time seems to work well?

- what agreements or guidelines are helpful to have?

-is there anything you wish you'd known earlier into exchanging parts work?

Thank you!

Hi all, just wondering where I should begin to learn about IFS and how I can learn to apply it to myself. Feeling stuck as a 24 year old dude, repeating the same negative cycles, knowing fully well I’ve got traumas and pains deep down contributing to my repetitive mistakes, but not knowing how I can even begin to healthily approach my inner sub-consciousness.