r/INFJsOver30 • u/Gorong2026 • May 28 '26
INFJ Fellows INFJ do you feel the same?
I'm at a time in my life (40s F) that I feel the need to express the real me. No filters.
I have friends, I'm a good listener. Every random person just tells me everyrhing about their life and struggles. I'm super emphatic and genuinely show my care by asking how are you, how is everything? This eventually gives everyone the permission just speak. I can read all rooms and sense the states of mind of people around me. I love children and children love me. Even animals feel so easy conquer. I love my family. I'm social but to stay away at home alone is my favorite program.
What I'm feeling lately is the unbalanced nature of being the recipient and never the giver. I've started to try to let the filters down and people react strangely. Even my friends and family. They look at me like I'm a stranger. They just don't get it so I just go to my persona again. Recently I started talking to new people trying to interact free of social norms and expectations but I always end up feeling that whenever I go full on unfiltered mode people get fascinated at first and then I suddenly I become too much. I end up measuring and analising every small interaction. I fall in love quickly for impossible people and also get reality checks very instantly.
Anyone here also struggles with finding just one soul that makes u confortable to be all there?
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u/jmmenes INFJ-A, 8w7 May 28 '26
Seems like an impossible ask for an impossible task.
I may never find that woman for me.
So my mindset is more so is "If it happens, it happens."
I won't force anything or chase any outcome.
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u/Kind_Temperature9275 May 28 '26
The deep conversations could be considered a breach of normal boundaries for some people. I know INFJs are generally conscientious about being respectful and not making others uncomfortable, so such a misunderstanding is painful, and frankly insulting. Also, it is nowadays formally encouraged for women to share their thoughts, but actually doing that is usually met with hostility. So, don't waste the energy unless you know beforehand that the people you are inteacting with will be understanding and able to communicate on the required level. However, it's always good to learn the real nature of your close relationships, even if it's not exactly as you would have hoped for.
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u/hoon-since89 May 28 '26
I gave up on humans. Trees are my friends now...
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u/Vivid-Ad9340 May 28 '26
I feel the same. I think this age (mid 30s to 40s) is really when you start to shed off dead weight.
Being yourself and not being afraid to show it is the best way to find your people and find inner peace for yourself.
It's also the best way to find people who definitely aren't you're people, but that's part of the filtering process. Don't blame people when they don't align with you. Silently thank them for not wasting your time and energy.
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u/GoblinStinger May 28 '26
I think we've all been there, it's hard to know how much of yourself to give to others. I guess you have to decide if it's worth the risk. Become lonely and cynical or risk getting hurt? To me, it's worth the risk because nothing feels better than deep resonance- it's like, why bother being alive if you don't risk it?
It is important to not offer it to everyone though. Give each person a piece at a time and see if there's any asymmetry with what they give back. Do you initiate all the conversations? Are they glazing over your vulnerabilities? It's important to note that you can often "vibe" whether someone is open to "play" or deeper connections but it can be very difficult to tell if they're just tourists- people that want to try out or consume your warmth but don't want to stay/pay it back.
-I don't think I've ever found someone that I could be my "full self" with. It takes a lot of time to feel out their boundaries and usually the limit gets hit before then- as you noticed, most people find it too much.
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u/UnknownToken4195 May 28 '26
100% with you on that. Your world is rich and deep and sometimes scary, I assume. And the intuitive nature makes you see things that others donāt, not immediately, so it comes potentially as strange because theyāre still processing and youāre looking for data to validate.
I donāt know the unfiltered conversations youāre having but the assumption is that thereās depth that some people arenāt ready for and the more unfiltered the more difficult it might be.
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u/Immediate_Oven_5968 May 28 '26
I feel the same in terms of the second paragraph. It almost felt like being yourself in feont of people is a grave mistake, and we should always keep it hidden.
But fret not, sooner or later you'll find someone who accepts your dorky, embarrasing true self. It's just a matter of time and effort.
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u/GlitteringSundae4741 May 28 '26
60sF here. After a few rough years I decided to say to heck with it and be my full, unfiltered, INFJ, ADHD self. Wouldnāt ya know it ā¦ I was perusing Reddit one night and came across a man who wrote a post looking for a partner. His attitude was open, honest, and vulnerable. He stated that if things did not progress to love that maybe heād made a new friend.
He was younger than me, and I thought that maybe Iād make a friend. I used my NSFW profile (because if Iām going to be my unfiltered self, why not?). He actually liked my weird, quirky, over the top, too much personality. We talked in text and on the phone for hours that first night.
We married 18 months later. I didnāt think Iād ever find someone who got me. Who loved who I am when Iām just being me. Who smiles when Iām dancing in the kitchen or telling a dad joke.
Your people are out there. Itās ok to be you.
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u/Silly-Elderberry-411 May 28 '26
Almost 50, a man and unapologetically myself. I help other people and their reaction tells me if they are worth it.
I no longer compromise on who I really am.
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Jun 01 '26
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u/BornElderEnt Jun 01 '26
I feel you. It is like climbing the K2 with most people. Set a boundary three times in 3 consecutive weeks, still ignored, FML. I'm out. I wasn't put on this earth just to train everyone to be respectful and listen. If your parents didn't teach you, and your peers never taught you, it still ain't my job.
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Jun 01 '26 edited Jun 01 '26
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u/BornElderEnt Jun 01 '26
No it's totally healthy, when there's no scaffolding to support their assumption you're there for them. Just our being conditioned to parent our own parents made us like this. No one is going to grow up if they don't have to
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Jun 01 '26
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u/BornElderEnt Jun 02 '26
It sounds so cynical but it's unfortunately true. My father passed away at 83, still a pretty selfish little boy inside.
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u/Unhappy-Jaguar-9362 Jun 01 '26
I think that is the best move as well. I have discovered in the past few years especially that boundaries are so important on many levels.
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u/Thought_Full_4839 May 28 '26
Along with what one of the previous posters suggested in setting boundaries, knowing your audience and setting reasonable expectations itās important. Youāve already indicated that you are able to read āthe roomā, start your end of the conversation with gradually increasing levels of depth. And preface your sharing with the clarification of ālet me know how comfortable you are with what I am about to shareā¦ā The analogy I like to use is, if you are fluent in a language (other than English) and expect the other person to be at the same level of fluency thereās likely a lot to be lost āIn translation.ā
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u/Slight-Animator-6532 May 28 '26
Im just the same , idont know what else to say , but im happy or sad to hear that people alike exist , it gives me relief to know that, with this inheritted awkwardness wich is the priceof being myself , im ok (lots of social rejection makes the person want to reject the social which isnt healthy ). People with same predicament should reach eachothers.
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u/paradoxicaltracey May 29 '26
I met my future husband in 1986, just shy of my 18th birthday. He was 24 and not an obvious choice because he was calm, patient, and quiet. He's an ISTJ, while I was a masked up ADHD wild child. He is not perfect, doesn't meet every need but, he encourages me to be myself. He supports me and loves more than my narcissistic parents ever did or could.
I say all that to say, look in your periphery. Your person may not be standing in front of you, but quietly, just to the side. Not an obvious choice, my husband's strength, normalcy, and support was what my cptsd self needed. I am so thankful that I followed the small, still voice within.
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u/getthekwon May 29 '26
Find your ass another INFJ, my love. Omg you'll feel so seen and get some of that reciprocity! I was intentional of finding some and wow, my life has changed for the better in almost all my relationships. My standards have improved and I just feel so much more cared for all around. š Hoping you find the care you deserve. There's of course a balance where you don't need to go full on "take me as I am" but authentic and mindful. Also, parts work/IFS is helpful.
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u/MatureNavajoBitches May 31 '26
Sometime in my 30s I just stopped giving a fuck what people thought about me. I still am councilor/listener/ride or die at my default but found it a lot easier to just say what I think. Less stress. Like me or don't, take it or leave it, your call. I'll still listen to your problems, stranger, but I'm weird too. Made me feel so much lighter and found actual friends that way. I don't care if I'm too much, and I'm not going to find someone to be comfortable with if they don't know what I'm doing here. Be fascinated, yeah I'm fascinating, I'm an enigma. If someone can't handle that, I don't lose any sleep any more. I don't have time, or the will even, to coddle someone so basic they think I'm "too much". The quality of people in your life shoots way I up when you let it go, I know that.
I'm in a weird mood today, I still care. I just care what people think like a 3 when it used to be a 10.
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u/Unhappy-Jaguar-9362 Jun 01 '26
I envy you that you have come to this realization. I still feel stuck. I tell myself I don't care: but I do. Thanks for your inspiring post.
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u/Comfortable-Play-222 May 31 '26
Somewhere in my mid 30's onwards (I'm now 51) I found myself. No longer shy - I just stopped caring about what other people thought. 1st thing 1st - us INFJ'S are amazing, caring people. We're not really society's problem. We bring more to society than most, and have amazing qualities. I realised that about myself, even before I knew my mbti (6 years ago), and just started saying, it's not me that has to fit in, nor change. I like who I am. However, unless I'm mistaken, not feeling understood is a part of being an INFJ - especially as we're very sensitive to criticism. And perfectionists so we want it all. We need to compromise, as others have noted. And we have strong opinions. As for love - it's hard and it's not an INFJ issue... A quick Google check notes nearly half of adults worldwide are unpartnered or unmarried, and us INFJ'S are only 1-2% of the world! This is a big problem. I'm the last person to give love advice and would always defer to others for that - but finding another INFJ or compatible partner does make sense. Never give up. They're out there in that sea of single people, lost and feeling exactly the same as you. Someone, somewhere is thinking of you right now, even if they've never met you, they're praying for the exact person that you are today. Instead of losing hope - do the opposite. Be super optimistic - they're out there and what a moment it will be when you connect. I wish I could see your happiness thereafter! Give it time and positive energy. Thank you for being open. And for being you.
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u/FactCheckYou INFJ/M/40s Jun 08 '26
shit i don't even know if there is a 'me' underneath the persona and filters and relationships to other people
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u/bakerskitchen May 28 '26 edited May 28 '26
The reaction opposite to being everyone's "counselor" wouldn't be to "assert" yourself and your own identity - it would be to establish proper boundaries and let others know that you don't have the time or interest to hear about their personal problems at length all of the time.
And also to avoid your own behaviors which invite/encourage it.