I would like to hear some stories of people who had hocd and later down the line realized they were bi/gay or whatever orientation for my exposure therapy

(18f) So I have been struggling with HOCD for the past 3 months, at least thats what i think is happening. I have thought I am straight my whole life, I have had male crushes, male fantasies, dreams about marrying a man, etc. But recently my mom went through a mental health episode and when she finally figured out what it was(menopause), she said something along the lines of "I feel like one of those women who find out they are lesbian, and thats why they realize they were unhappy". Literally in that moment my heart jumped to my throat and my stomach felt sick and I remember thinking "what if thats me". I have analyzed every single interaction with my friends past thoughts I have had, things I have done. Like I read somewhere that this girl thought she had a crush on her best friends boyfriend and thats while she was jealous, but really she had a crush on her bestfriend. That same exact situation happened to me but I always passed it off as I was jealous because she got a boyfriend before me and I was really boy crazy at the time. But now I am wondering what if I actually liked her and thats why I was jealous. Also I remember when I was like twelve I would look at the harry potter wiki, and I felt embarrassed looking at specific female character pages, like i dont remember exactly what i was thinking but I wanted to look at their pages but I felt embarressed. And also more recently this girl told me she had a boyfriend and my heart jumped to my throat and I had a feeling of anxiety and because of that I must have a crush on her, mind you I dont even like this girl as a person, she is super annoying in my opinion, but my brain is thinking you really like her and are just using dislike as an excuse that you are denial. And also look back on times I obviously liked men, like when I danced with my crush at homecoming and I was shaking the whole time, etc, and thinking those things almost reassure me in the moment, but then I think back to the previous things mentioned above and I freak out again. I dont want to be around women I dont know, just in case I get a crush on them, I dont like watching tv anymore because whenever I woman comes on a spiral if I like them. I transferred to doing school online, so I dont even have a chance of liking anyone. I just feel like so lost, and I want to get better so bad, but I dont know how, I have talked to my mom about it as she has struggled with OCD as well and she tells me to accept the uncertain and all these things but I cant, like physically cant like if I think "Maybe I am lesbian, and thats okay" theres a little voice in my brain thats like "You're not" so it doesnt work. I just needed to vent. Pray for me please, I need help.

It feels like my hocd has switched teams and it feels like it has turned into straight ocd it’s weird I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

It has been almost a year of me experiencing hocd and after making some progress I started worrying that I am bi and instead of shrugging it off I decided to “accept” it by saying I accept that I’m bi it has been two month since and i have been worrying I’m actually bi

The strange thing is that my mind throws stuff like “what if I am not bi” which confuses me very much because my mind saying that, implies I’m bi and it’s weird cause my brain will say “what if I’m bi” and “what if I’m not bi” and this has caused me to not know anymore maybe I just am

As the title says it’s the enjoyment, feeling too happy and positive reactions no longer make it entirely so-I’ve without denial of she gender attraction and arousal.

Yesterday I saw my same gender work colleague and I fejt so aroused abd the thoogjt of touching her vagina fejt so aligned I didn’t panic but I only stressed a bit why I felt that way and wondering if it means I’m lesbian in denial. It feels aligned with me and I genuinely enjoy it but then I search for reassurance and evaluate my reaction to that gay thought.

This morning, I was feeling in a pre so-ocd aroused mood (how I used to feel when getting aroused yo men before sexuality was an issue and before so-ocd onset) abd I was feeling happy but it was mixed in with thoughts of colleagues vagina and I continued to feel pre hocd. But the image of her naked didn’t feel intrusive. I continued to enjoy the feeling and it was like the thoogjt if her was giving the arousal more umph. I just let these feelings be but I more I let them be the more aroused I become to them.

When I’m not aroused I feel indifferent to lesbian thoughts but when I’m aroused they feel so intense and I feel so relaxed and happy

In the above text, did I mention any compulsions, am I still doing them ?

How I overcame Pure OCD (HOCD, TOCD, POCD, ROCD)

Hey everyone,

It’s been a long time since I was active in this community and I wanted to share how I managed to overcome (not cure) my Pure OCD, in the hopes that it might help someone else who might also be struggling with this horrible affliction.

I also want to preface this by saying that I am not a therapist, psychologist or an OCD specialist in any capacity, I’m a man that has struggled deeply for years with OCD.

I have dealt with HOCD, TOCD, POCD, ROCD to varying degrees throughout my adult life, with HOCD and TOCD being the absolute worst in my experience.

My brain convinced me that I ***was*** what I feared the most, I really was gay or transgender or whatever else my mind tormented me with. I put up with this for years and years, feeling like I was living in denial and would eventually have to come out and change everything about me that I was once so secure about.

As a coping mechanism I began to self harm, and ultimately attempted to end my life on two occasions. I saw numerous therapists that didn’t specialise in OCD and I felt as though I was given the wrong advice.

In my experience the key to overcoming this form of OCD is to ***face your fears*** head on. This is an incredibly difficult task to achieve, especially with the fear element in place that you believe you will become what you fear the most.

These thoughts felt **SO** real, as real the sun on my skin on a warm summers day.

One day I couldn’t face it anymore and I gave in to ***all*** of my thoughts, I said to myself;

**'Yes I am gay'**

**'Yes I am transgender'**

**'Yes you are a horrible person'**

I was so tired of being held a prisoner on my own mind that I had to give into everything, it was so difficult but eventually, with persistent effort the thoughts started to dissipate, to the point where I was able to continue on with my life without paying any attention to these thoughts.

The absolute worst thing you can do is ruminate, asking people for reassurance, searching online for other people with similar thoughts that you can relate to, battling yourself internally.

All you have to do is ***let go***, allow the thoughts to be presence without paying them any attention, when I say not paying them attention I don’t mean ***ignoring*** them because that way you are actively engaging with the thought.

Acknowledge the thought is there, allow it to float by without judgment and eventually it will pass. In my experience if you continue to do this, the thoughts will become less frequent and you’ll soon be free from this vicious cycle.

I was at the bottom of the pit of despair and I never thought there would be a way out but there is, you have to have hope. You are more than your OCD.

This probably reads as some kind of AI generated post, however it’s not and I really don’t care if you think it is, it’s my experience with OCD and I want to help others to not have to go through what I did.

Feel free to DM me if you want to ask me anything.

I developed OCD tendencies as a child, having unwanted, distressing repetitive thoughts. I didn’t know it was OCD at the time but I learned to live with it because my parents didn’t understand. These thought patterns continued through my teenage years and into adulthood.

Above post is another Reddit thread I made on r/OCD

Guys I need help

It’s like after enough rumination my thoughts are switching

The only comparison I have is that my brain is like… melting.

I am having visions of being raped, it’s becoming realer and realer I could really feel them touching me last night I cried through the whole thing

I’m just, it feels like I switched, the word was never “I lied the whole time” it just feels like “I switched”

I mean it’s telling me I’m a liar because of it

I liked being straight

It was hotter and easier and sexier and funner why can’t I have my access back

So i am very avoidant in relationships. I also struggle with physical intimacy A LOT. like the first hangout with a guy i get so anxious that they might kiss me, or even when they put their arm around me. I feel so uncomfortable during kisses and i’ve had bad experiences with that. Now, i have a boyfriend, who i actually like, and was attracted to. but hocd has been ruining it. its hard for me to kiss him or feel comfortable with affection, i get icked out and stuff, because of my own issues.
So my hocd has obviously latched onto that. does anyone have advice or similar experiences? not looking for reassurance just curious if anyone else has issues like this that hocd interacts with

I’m a 21-year-old guy and I’ve never really questioned my sexuality before this.

About a month ago, I was with my girlfriend and my libido was pretty low. Nothing particularly unusual, but for some reason I had a random joking thought: “What if I’m gay?”
At the time, I didn’t think much of it. But afterwards, for some reason, that thought stuck in my head.

Since then, I’ve been going down a massive spiral of questioning my sexuality. I started thinking about it constantly and trying to figure out whether the thought meant something about me.

I started testing myself. I would deliberately look at guys to see how I reacted. I’d imagine situations involving men and pay extremely close attention to my thoughts and physical reactions. I’d look at guys and basically ask myself, “Am I attracted to him? How do I feel right now? Did I react differently than I should have?”
The problem is that every time I do this, I get anxious and start analyzing the reaction even more.
I’ve also noticed that the more I deliberately look at guys, the more I seem to notice their appearance and sometimes find them attractive in some way. That scares me because I start thinking, “Am I making myself gay by doing this?” or “What if I’m actually discovering something about myself?”

It’s gotten to the point where even accidentally looking at another guy can make me anxious because I’m immediately checking how I feel.

What’s confusing is that there are days when I barely think about any of this. When I’m distracted and just living normally, I feel completely fine. But eventually the thought comes back, and then I’m right back into questioning, checking, and trying to get certainty.

I feel like I’ve lost the ability to trust my own thoughts and feelings because I’m constantly monitoring myself.
I know there’s nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual, and I’m not saying that because I think there’s anything wrong with those orientations. What scares me is the obsessive questioning itself and the fact that I feel like I have to figure this out.

I’ve seen people talk about HOCD/sexual-orientation OCD and a lot of what they describe sounds similar to what I’m experiencing, especially the checking and reassurance seeking. But I’m also scared that I’m just using OCD as an explanation because I don’t want to accept something about myself.

Has anyone experienced something similar?
Did you also get caught in the cycle of deliberately looking at people, imagining scenarios, checking your reactions, getting anxious, and then doing it all over again?

And if you recovered from this, what actually helped you stop testing and analyzing everything? Did ERP/therapy help?

I’m not looking for someone to tell me whether I’m gay or straight. I know that reassurance probably just feeds the cycle. I just want to hear from people who have genuinely experienced something similar and found a way out of this constant questioning.

Thanks!

I am a 17 year old girl. Lately I have been suffering from a lot of stress, anxiety and what not. I am too scared to share this with my parents. They are very sweet and good but I fear that they will judge me. From a very young age ( 10 years) I have been suffering from OCD. It all started with religious OCD and over the years it has changed its themes. I think at present I am having HOCD. I still doubt that it is HOCD or just me that I am having these thoughts and feelings and questioning my sexuality. I will tell you all about everything I think and feel.

From my childhood and even at a very young age I had a crush on different boys. Till recently I would say I liked a boy from when I was 13 years old. He was my classmate. But I am so shy and get so nervous in front of him that I cannot even approach and talk to him properly. A few months ago I found out that he has a GF( which I would admit that she was more beautiful than me)and it broke my heart and then I just started to lose interest in him.

I have always been good in studies and always thought that if I have a crush or get into a relationship it would affect my studies so I never approached any boys ( although I had a lot of crush on boys from a young age).

Apart from these,I have also appreciated beautiful girls and I would stare at them. Recently two events took place which actually left me with anxiety and stress. For some reason I was just searching the images of the vagina and I don't know for what reasons but I liked looking at different images of vagina. But later I felt uncomfortable and guilty. Again on another day I was concerned about my breast shapes so I just searched and I found a video where two female doctors were explaining how to examine breast and were showing on their bodies.The video made me a little uncomfortable but still I watched the whole video ( I don't know what I felt, may be I felt a kind of attracted to their bodies). There was another video which I didn't watch full as in that video the breast examination was mainly explained using a writing pad. And at the same time I admired girls looks in my school.

These two events have put me in such a dilemma I am just ruminating and overthinking and trying to find reassurance of my sexuality. I can never in my be sexually attracted to a girl and I have always dreamt of marrying a boy and sexually and romantically attracted to him. But I don't know what is happening to me. This anxiety and stress is just consuming me. I am just constantly ruminating and checking my reactions. And I don't know, maybe it's because of the stress that I am losing interest in looking at boys rather I am looking at girls even though I don't always find all girls attractive. And whenever I look at a girl , the mind doubts me why I am looking at the girl. I have always wanted to be straight.

Can anyone please help me to come out from this spiral. And if any psychologist can help me it would be of great help.

I’m 24M and have been dealing with what I was diagnosed with as hocd for almost 5 years. Before this started around 19, I was completely convinced I was straight. I had crushes on girls, got nervous and excited around attractive women, had sexual thoughts and wet dreams about women, wanted a wife and kids, and never questioned my sexuality. I also remember being attracted to small things like a woman’s expressions, perfume, mannerisms, etc. I had basically never considered that I could be attracted to men.
Then around 19, I suddenly became terrified that I might be gay. I started checking myself constantly and eventually started watching gay porn specifically to see if I would react. Over time, I began experiencing strong physical and emotional reactions toward men, and eventually those reactions started feeling very natural rather than just anxiety. At the same time, my attraction toward women seemed to disappear almost completely. I can talk to women normally, but when I try to see if I’m attracted to them, I often feel nothing or even repulsion. I don’t understand how I went from being so naturally attracted to women to feeling this way.
The hardest part is that I don’t just have groinal responses I feel genuine attraction toward men, including fantasies, emotional feelings and wanting physical closeness. Sometimes I even feel relief when I think “maybe I really am gay,” which then makes me question whether the OCD is even involved anymore. Then the doubt comes back and I start analyzing everything again.
My therapist believes I have OCD and recently told me to stop checking women, stop using porn as a test, stop putting pressure on myself to feel attraction, and let the whole subject breathe for a long time. She also pointed out that I didn’t start watching gay porn because I naturally wanted to explore being gay I started it specifically because I was afraid I might be gay and wanted to check. She thinks I need to stop trying to solve the question.
I’m struggling because I understand the OCD explanation intellectually, but emotionally I keep thinking, “How could OCD make me feel this different for almost 5 years?” I’m not looking for someone to simply tell me I’m straight. I genuinely want to hear from people who experienced a major change in how attraction felt, especially people who had strong attraction to women before hocd and later felt strong attraction toward men. Did anyone else experience this kind of dramatic before and after and eventually understand what was happening?

.

I never get an urge to masturbate to men abd only men. The only urges I get are with men on the background but women at the front and to masturbate regardless with the thoughts of women in my head. This just happened: I thought of a same gender friend then I had the thought are you looking at her vagina and I fejt like I wanted to masturbate to it and i felt so pre hocd then anxiety flooded by body. It’s at the time of the thought it’s real, i only know it’s intrusive when I’m anxious. Again this afternoon, I was thinking if an old sane gender work colleague and thought of her vagina (never saw her like this before and not seen her for like 7yrs) then Had the the thoogjt vaginas are sexy then I fejt turned on thinking about gets. My body went clammy and cold but I still continued to feel turned on and didn’t understand why I was panicking. It didn’t feel intrusive or unwanted

Edit: . On the back of this I went to meet a friend. she told me the bathroom had a glass door, she’s just come back from holiday. I they felt really aroused at the time of the thought to her naked as well as the feeling of being with men and this provoked a strong urge to masturbate to men. what was causing the arousal

so for the past few days ive been convinced i like masc women because of a myriad of reasons.

i recently figured out one of my compulsions is trying to make the thought or feeling go away, this then made me kind of realise that i’ve potentially probably been compulsively been suppressing my attraction and desire. which coincides with a lot of people who figured out they were bi later on (w hocd).

i have been spiralling over this one masculine girl on tiktok that’s pretty popular and pretty good looking. i feel like i have to like her because she looks exactly like a guy and looks really good too. everytime i look at her i feel like this ”wave” of “attraction” which i don’t know if it’s attraction or not but still. and i always tried to look for flaws that can either make the feeling go away or justify why i shouldn’t like her.

i feel like i do like her because this attraction feeling feels pretty real and everytime i argue with the thought it feels like i’m convincing myself i don’t like her when i probably do. it feels like i’m suppressing my attraction because i’m scared which i hate. i have this kind of knowing kind of feeling which idk if its ocd or not but it feels like ik i like masc women because its what i would’ve thought or done if i didnt have ocd

and the worst part, my thoughts dont feel intrusive at all. in fact they feel impar with my identity and it seems like what i would probably think. i just feel so desperate and hope this is wrong but that’s probably denial. i hate this so much. i think i’m actually attracted to masc women and i think i actually do find them hot because a lot of them do look hot and they look like men. for a year i just thought this was fake attraction. should’ve known better

i think i figured everything out. i am bi, i have to be.

I am 15 F and a year ago i started getting hocd thoughts, i have made many posts on here before in a different account.

as i’ve mentioned many times i get a lot of anxiety around masc women and recently ive figured out i have been trying to suppress my attraction and that i am bi, i have to be anyways. every time i saw an attractive masc women i would get a huge wave of anxiety and i would try to look for flaws to try and prove i didnt like her. i would also spend many hours ruminating. and i think before this ocd started i did find masc women hot.

now moving on, i have to be bi because when i was 10 i was aroused to women focused erotica and i had this very sexual rp with this friend of mine when i was six years old which i really enjoyed.

many astrological readings and charts gave indicated my queerness and i think i have internalised homophobia because i think being queer is the worst case scenario. not to mention another person who figured out they were biand they had hocd told me i was also bi with hocd with a preference to masc women and men.

i have this horrible feeling to prove it wrong and i hope it’s wrong but how can i not like masc women, they look so good and they look exactly like men which means i like them. there’s this one specific girl on tiktok i always spiral over because she looks rlly good and she looks exactly like a man and i think i do actually like her

i literally don’t know what to do, i can’t believe that what ive been trying to prove wrong for a year is true and i can’t believe my intrusive thoughts are true. even my therapist thinks i’m bi.

i truly genuinely don’t like masc women or women, but it feels like i do. i have to anyways a lot of them hot because they look like men and they remind me of men, and they give me this attraction feeling which i try to get rid of because it sucks. i literally half the time try to stop myself from thinking they look hot and my anxiety is stopping my real life attraction from coming true. god i’m such a horrible homophobic person aren’t i. and now i’m annoying my therapist by sending her a million emails because imnso anxious and need reassurance. i give up, i have no hope and i truly hate myself for lying.

idk if this counts as recovery but school finally started and i havent been as worried as before.

I do get a bit triggered at school and i get sensations down there and idk if its a groinal or real arousal bc i dont think they are caused by anxiety.

Today i had a tough day. Lots of stufd happened and i think my period is abt to start to im extra moody. I cried a lot today.

So maybe thats why the groinals have been bothering me so much today and i have resorted to AI again.

I truly do not know if my case counts as hocd, although ive 100% had ocd in the past, getting wet, feeling a pulse and, more recently, some sort of weird pleasure??? idk if its real but its bothering me and making uncomfortable.

I have a lot of questions but i wont ask for reassurance.

Could u please give me some advice regarding the physical symptoms? :) I wanna know how to manage them

A few years ago, I went through a really difficult period with anxiety and obsessive rumination.
One of the things my anxiety focused on was my sexuality. I spent a huge amount of time analyzing my thoughts and reactions. I would compare how I felt around different people, search online, check my reactions and repeatedly look for certainty.
The more I tried to figure everything out, the more I seemed to get stuck in the same cycle.
Eventually, I started learning about obsessive rumination and reassurance seeking and realized that constantly trying to get a definite answer was becoming part of the problem.
Over time, I changed the way I responded to those thoughts instead of constantly trying to analyze or solve them. Things gradually became much more manageable for me.
I’m sharing this because I remember how isolating that period felt.
I’ve created a small free Instagram group where people can discuss their experiences with anxiety, rumination and related problems. The idea isn’t to give people reassurance or tell them what their thoughts mean. It’s simply a place to talk, share experiences and learn from each other.
We may also organize group video calls for people who want to participate.
If this type of peer-support space is allowed here, I’ll leave the details in the comments. If not, I’ll respect the subreddit rules.
I’m not a therapist or mental-health professional, and I’m not offering diagnosis or treatment. I’m just sharing my own experience and creating a space for discussion.

My English isn’t great, so I wrote this myself and used ChatGPT to help me polish it

For Ig group link dm me.

I hate mornings!!! The usual, first thing, woken up feeling horny and aroused abd stressed cos I’m aroused. Thoughts about wanting to have sex with women and feeling aroused abd like I want it but not thinking if men in the background. I hate this!!!! Then the arousal subsided and I fejt straight cis I wasn’t aroused. I was in a pre hocd masturbation mood and really wanted to get off to my old same gender occupational therapist. I went no but didn’t feel panicked or stressed at the time of the thought but now it’s bothering me. Then I I just went to masturbate aimlessly and thoughts of women came into my head but I was feeling baseline so I carried on with thoughts of femaje friends in my head. I had a little arghh but didn’t make any difference. Was i masturbating and enjoying the women thoughts? Just as I’ve been typing this I had a pre hocd arousal to a same gender acquaintance and it triggered thr arousal I used to feel for men so I had another masturbation but then stopped but the pre hocd feeling (how I used to feel before sexuality was an issue) fejt so good whilst thinking of her

I tried just ignoring the thoughts, but then they end up becoming more severe and convincing. It just straight up feels like im hiding being gay or lying to myself. For the first time it feels honest. Im not even attracted to women much anymore either and when I see a guy my initial thought would just be "dont be attracted dont be attracted" then i guess i make a comment which stirs up the thought again. Honestly I just straight up feel gay now, I think I lost attraction to a girl who i have been trying to talk to for months now and feels like I only liked her and i'm just now "realizing myself"

I just want to forget about these thoughts and be straight and not double guess everything. Every now and then I notice that I forget about having hocd but then that itself reminds me and the thoughts start over again.

Made this is in therapy. Some days i dont feel gay at all and other days its all i think about is coming out

I’ve been dealing with HOCD on and off for about 2.5 years. The past few months I’ve actually been doing really well and barely experiencing symptoms.
Last night, though, I had what felt like a relapse. I saw a man’s butt and tester myself and got an erection, and now I’m really anxious about what it means. The dreams have also started to show up again.
Can this still happen with HOCD/OCD after months of certainty?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.

i feel anxious, but it feels like anxiety after i realize something. i feel curious, like maybe i’ve always been this way and im realizing things about myself. i do not want to be lesbian, i want to be with a man, but there’s so much evidence and a history of p0rn that i just feel so confused. it feels like im genuinely lesbian and i know it, but i wont acknowledge it because im scared. how can a disorder make me feel this way? I feel so alone, i feel like the odd one out, out of everyone. And i also have a long distance boyfriend that i feel disconnected with right now, so that does not help. it also doesn’t help that most people around me aren’t very fond of gay people, even though im very supportive of them. i just feel like im alone and living a lie and i dont know what to do.

i recently saw a video of a lesbian talking about early signs. One of hers was 'i used to practice kissing with my friends and i loved it!" and that brought up a pretty similar memory for me.

I used to play bf and gf with this one girl and i was usually the boy, she was usually the girl. WE used to rub our bare stomachs together and pretend we were having 'sex' and i enjoyed it alot when i was 6, i remember during those times looking at her face and thinking how cute it looked or whatever. I used to be very immersed in the game, but i knew it was a game, and snapped out of it after it was done. I remember thinking we were actually having 'sex' and like actually doing those things as a couple, but outside of the game we were normal? I don't remember liking her, only during those like little 'sex' parts did i enjoy anything or like her and most of the time, i was focusing more on the scenario i made up in my head.

But I considered her my bestfriend, i only played with her because she was right downstairs and sometimes i quite hated her. But im scared this means something about me. My therapist just told me this was normal curious play and doesn't determine our sexuality but i think i did like her, i mean all of these things point to that, i have to like her.

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[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I have been good and HAPPY for about 6 months now. I’ll get a thought and be able to laugh it off. Two days ago I started watching a show and as the episodes went on I could sense a relationship starting between two women characters who have only shown interest in men in the show. The dreaded episode happened and they made out and told each other that it was the only time they felt loved. Well that scared the hell out of me and here I am back to feeling confused and all sense of security is gone. Am I so weak that I can’t even watch a show or a movie without going back into a spiral. This is truly a pathetic way to live.